Hard to Hold On (4 page)

“
It’s too soon, Natalie. I’m not feeling it. I don’t feel anything anymore.”

“Well we don’t have to do it, Nolan.” I reach up to cup his face t
o get him to look at me. “We don’t have to. It’s okay. I still love you.”

His lips press,
his Adam’s-apple moving up and down as he swallows. He then pulls away to slide into his jeans. After his eyes have dried and he’s taken a deep breath, he turns to look at me. “Maybe we should start getting things for the funeral in order. Mills will be here soon and maybe he’ll help, too.” He looks down at my bra and my panties before looking into my eyes again. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything, Nolan.”

“Why do you love me exactly?” After his question he winces, as if he’s suddenly in pain.

I hesitate because the
first thing that comes to mind is my last relationship. After Bryson, I felt like complete shit, but then I met Nolan and I felt better than ever before. It wasn’t lust I’d felt. There was a connection between us and I wanted to hold on to it. But what made me fall in love with him? Was it his persistence? Is it because he’s so hot that I don’t want him to leave? Did I not want to be alone? All of those are poor reasons.

I continue my stare into
Nolan’s sullen eyes, realizing I don’t have a real answer to his question. I know I love him—that’s a fact. He’s the first person I think about when I wake up in the morning and the last person I think about before I go to sleep at night. But what’s in between there? What makes me love Nolan so much?

“Nolan I—” I brea
k off and his eyes depress even more. He doesn’t blink once as his fingers slide into his back pockets.

“You know what’s funny?” he asks.

His gaze drifts as I wait for him to answer his own question.

“For the past twenty-four hours, I could
n’t come up with a real answer either. I don’t know why I love you so much. I just know it’s here between us. It kind of snuck up on me and now I can’t deny it. I can never go a day without thinking about you but if there’s one thing I was taught from my mom, it’s that we should always know why we’ve fallen in love with that one person who’s changed everything. We should always know why we love someone and what makes them so different from the rest. I love her because she took care of me and, even though it was hard, she raised me correctly. I love my dad because he treated me well and never left from my side. He always taught me right from wrong. I love Mills because he’s always taken care of me and has been my wise conscious for years.”

He looks
at me briefly, slowly making his way towards the door. Swallowing the brick in my throat, I stare at him, confused and in somewhat of a shock. Why is he talking like this? What the hell did I do?

“What are you saying, Nolan?” I ask before he can open the door.

He looks over his shoulder, his grip tightening around the door knob. “I’m saying this between us seems like it happened kind of fast, Natalie. It’s starting to feel like we jumped into it way too quickly. You don’t ever sit and think about
why
? Why were we so quick to hop onto one another? We were hurt, both in need of a healing. I thought about it and . . . I just don’t know anymore.”

My pulse pauses as he turns to look at me. “S-so what do you want? A break? You want to just drop what we have?”

“You can’t even tell me what we have, Natalie!” he booms. “I can’t tell you, either! I wanted you from the start for your looks—for your body. I wanted to finally be faithful.” He runs a heavy hand through his hair. “I mean, I have. This is the longest I’ve been faithful and the longest I’ve gone without having sex but as we did it, I just couldn’t figure out what it was about you that made me fall in love this much. It just . . . happened. That thought alone bothers me because I need to know. I need a real reason why. It’s not healthy for us not to know.”

“How is that something to be upset about?” I ask. “What’s wrong with being in love just to be in love, Nolan?
What’s wrong with caring and falling because you feel a connection with that person?”

He sighs, his head lowering
. “It’s nothing, Natalie. Okay? Let’s just drop it. Meet me in the kitchen. I’ll make some calls to see who the cheapest mortician around here is.”

Before I can
respond, he swings the door open and steps out. The slam is a little harder than expected but it only proves his frustration. What in the hell is wrong with him? I’m trying to put myself into his shoes but by now I’m confused. I definitely didn’t see this coming.

Slumping down on t
he edge of the bed, I run my fingers through my hair with a sigh. I knew I should have just given him his space. It’s obvious that coming to California this soon was a terrible mistake.

Chapter Six

Nolan

Natalie’s only staying for four days which is good and bad. I want her around because I don’t want to be alone. I want someone to hold onto to get rid of the hole in my chest however I don’t want her to witness this side of me or even Mills. I’m reliving a nightmare. I thought it was bad with my father being gone but it’s much worse with my mother.

A few slits of moonlight shine in through the blinds and I watch as her chest sinks and rises.
Some of her hair is in her face and her features are soft. I love my Bunny . . . but why? What made me fall? Was this really rushed? I hate thinking about it but Mills and his drunk talking always gets to me. When he’s drunk, he always speaks his mind. The night before Natalie came he told me our relationship was moving too fast. It came out of nowhere—him saying that. I wasn’t sure of how to respond so instead of a response, I thought on it. I wanted to ask him why but I was afraid of his answer. I didn’t want to know because I didn’t want to face any facts.

This
morning Mills was pissed that I had told Natalie to come over here. He hated that I was planning a funeral so soon but we have to bury the body. We can’t just leave it lying around. When he saw Natalie sitting at the table he grimaced at both her and me before marching for his room and slamming the door behind him. She asked me if he was alright but of course I had to lie to her and say he will be.

I feel terrible for what I
had said to her now. I feel like the worst boyfriend on the fucking planet and I should. She didn’t deserve my wrath . . . my heartache but I couldn’t seem to control my anger. My emotions are all over the place right now and it’s not cool for me to take it all out on her. I’ve literally become an emotional wreck and I fucking hate it.

I reach a hand for
ward to brush the tendrils away from her face. I don’t deserve someone like Natalie. Someone so caring and sweet. Someone who puts up with things from me that she doesn’t have to put up with. I could see the terror in her eyes as we argued earlier. I could practically hear her heavy heart. She didn’t come out of the room until an hour after our argument and I was hoping she wasn’t contemplating. Of course I apologized but what I’d said was how I’d really felt. I want to know why she loves me. I want to know what makes me different from the rest because I feel like there’s nothing that makes me different and it’s not the first time I’ve thought about this question. Most times I used to brush it off but not this time.

I’m lost
right now and to know that she doesn’t have a reason makes me worry. It makes me think she only gave in because I kept coming after her. Mills said I rushed it with her. He wanted me to chill out but he said I moved a little too fast. I tried my hardest to wait on the first time with Natalie so I could get to know a bit more about her but when she called me “gay” for holding off, it pissed me off.

Mills never gets enough of calling me a “fag” which is why it aggravates me when Natalie makes a reference to it.
He figures that since I can’t get real with one girl, I must have a thing for guys so in his book, that’s a “fag”. He always says it’s a joke but I used to take it to heart a few times. I’m nowhere near gay so I had to prove them wrong.

Now I feel terrible because it seems like
testing myself and knowing I can be faithful is one of the main reasons why I’ve stuck it out with Natalie. I love her to death and with her, I don’t need any other girls but I don’t want to admit to her that one of my main reasons for starting this relationship was only to prove myself, my brother, and even my best friend Dawson wrong. It’ll kill her.

Natalie deserves so much more—w
ay more than someone like me. I’m still learning how to settle and I’m glad I’ve done so with her . . . but I don’t know if we’ve been real. I don’t know if we’ve been completely honest or open with one another like a real relationship is supposed to be. We have a connection that can be easily teetered and I don’t want that. I want a strong one.

I watch Natalie sleep for a few seconds more before
I finally turn on my back and shut my eyes. I’d rather force myself to sleep than think about my feelings. It’s just another thing to brush off but sooner or later, it’s all going to pile up.

****

I wake up to the sound of rain. It’s heavy as it pounds against the window pane to the right of me. Groaning, I shift beneath the sheets, turning on my side and reaching my arm across the bed. As soon as my hand lands, I feel the cool sheets beneath my fingers and I sit up quickly.
Where the hell is she?

I push out of bed, looking
directly at the spot where her teal suitcase is. Realizing it’s still there, relief washes over me and I finally blink. I thought I had scared her off. I would have hated for her to go back without telling me.

I glance d
own at my worn shorts, figuring a shower is best. Grabbing a towel, I trudge towards my bathroom and turn the knobs for the shower, allowing the water to pour. It takes only a few minutes for me to hear the bedroom door shut. Not long after, I hear light footsteps making their way towards the bathroom. The door creaks open and I watch Natalie’s thin silhouette through the clear shower curtain.

T
hrough the blur, I watch as she strips down to her underwear. I feel a throb between my legs, realizing that her slow, sweet actions are turning me on. She unhooks her bra, revealing the light pink of her nipples just as she pulls her hair to one side. She slides out of her panties and right after, takes slow steps towards the shower. With each one of her steps, I feel my dick twitch and I lick my lips, waiting for her to step in.

Without invitation, she pulls the curtain back and steps in without bothering to look at me. I don’t think she realizes how sexy her actions are. For her to come in, I know she wants it. I know she’s asking for it. After drawing the shower curtain
closed, she turns around to look at me beneath her eyelashes. Her brown eyes look from mine to my chest, down to my abs, and then down to the arousal that can’t be hidden. I refuse to hide it. I want it
inside
of her.

“I was hoping you would get up soon,” she says softly.
“I went to get some coffee.” I watch the way her lips move, the way they pucker after she’s completed her sentence.

I don’t even think on my next action. I want those lips against mine. Hooking my arm around her waist, I pull her against me until I can feel my
arousal digging into her. I swallow the moan that comes from her and lick away the few drops of water that are spilling from my wet hair to our mouths. Her panting picks up as I move my lips down to her neck. I suck on her warm skin softly, and she tenses as she wraps her arms around my neck.

My fin
gers dig into her waist and I pick her up. I can feel myself throbbing pleasurably. I always go for the buildup. I always want the pleasure to last. Apparently she has other plans because she pushes against me so I can place her back down.

I look at her, confused
, as she presses her palms against my chest but once her body begins to lower and she licks her lips I know exactly what she wants—and I’m not stopping her. A hiss sizzles through my teeth as she drags kisses from my pelvis and down between my legs. I’ve missed this. I’ve missed having sex with her, but most of all I’ve missed having her body against mine.

She
finally drops onto her knees and the water from the shower head runs from my body to hers. Her skin glistens with each drop that splatters onto her face and her shoulders. Looking up at me, she grabs the entire length and begins to stroke. My head falls back and I groan as she pumps quicker, harder. She allows little time for her warm lips to wrap around me and when she does, my groans turn into growls. Her head and neck moves forward and backwards while she moans with each stroke and lick. I grab a fistful of her hair and hold on tightly but not too tight to hurt her. It obviously turns her on even more because she goes faster with a light moan.

I tense, growling as she goes faster. B
efore she can finish me off, I pull her up and she bites at her lower lip as she watches mine. My lips devour hers as I pick her up in my arms and turn around to get beneath the warm water. It trickles against us and she moans as I purposely press my arousal against her. I’m so close. I want to push myself inside of her but I decide to return the favor.

Pinning her
against the shower wall, I lower myself, making sure her legs are wrapped around my shoulders to keep her leveled. She begins to pant urgently as her soft brown eyes gaze down at me. Licking my lips, I push her hands onto her thighs and begin licking her where she loves most. I hear a soft purr and a moan come from her as I pull back.