Hard to Hold On (6 page)

I hate being
in his room because I can smell him everywhere. My chest tightens again and the tears splurge. It’s back to square one again. It hurts like hell—especially since I’ve experienced it before. It’s what I get for opening myself up to him. I should have known he was going to hurt me one way or another.

Time passes and I don’t know when I fall
asleep but I’m glad I do and I’m glad the sleep is dark and visionless. Most of my dreams are filled with Nolan’s eyes, lips, and even his body . . . but not tonight. Tonight there’s nothing but emptiness behind my swollen eyelids.

****

The funeral was short, sullen, and to the point. Nolan and Mills have more family than I thought but of course I was introduced to none of them as Nolan’s girlfriend. I hated that Nolan left before I had even awake. I had to ride with Mills to the funeral but I didn’t mind it. I was kind of glad I didn’t have to look at him. I was also glad I’d packed my sexiest black dress and heels. I made sure my hair was pinned elegantly with a few tendrils hanging loose. I caught him staring at me from across the grave as I placed my rose on the coffin but I refused to even look in his direction.

Although I can respect him for giving me the truth, I just can’t believe it. For the past four months we were more than happy with one another.
Four months doesn’t seem like long but between Nolan and I it meant a lot. He called every night and when he did we would talk for hours. We knew better than to give up on one another but I guess all things happen for a reason, right? I’ll give him his space but I don’t want it to last for very long. I’m hoping this is just a phase and a test of our love.

As soon as Mills pulls up
to his house and I hop out, I stop him before he can put his car in drive. I’ve been thinking about it since this morning and now I feel like it’s the best thing to do.

“Do you think you can drop me off at the airpor
t now? My flight isn’t until five but I’d rather get there early to beat traffic and stuff, you know?”

Mills sighs, putting
the car in park. For a moment I think he’s going to figure out why I want to leave so early but when he says, “Yeah. Anything that will keep me away from the wake,” a rush of relief takes over me.

I stare into Mills’s tired eyes before noddin
g. “I’ll be quick,” I tell him before shutting the door and dashing for the garage.

I hurry and pack all of my things quickly, just in case Nolan happens to show up. I don’t want to leave without a proper goodbye but how can I say goodbye when it will feel like it’s meant to be that way forever? How can I go through with looking him in the eye a
nd saying farewell? I know it’s going to kill me so I refuse to make it happen. I’ll just give him his space, like he asked.

Sighing, I step out of Nolan’s room with my tote bag and my suitcase
. I rest my tote on the table and look around, debating on how I’ll actually let him know that I’m gone. As soon as it clicks, I unzip my tote and pull out a scrap sheet of yellow paper and a pen.

I write until
my vision blurs and a few teardrops land on the paper and the table. Finally placing the cap on my pen, I lay the paper on the center of the table and take a deep breath. Before I can let the tears get to me, I grip the handles of my tote bag and suitcase and step out of the house, inhaling deeply and leaving nothing behind but the pain within my words.

Chapter Eight

Nolan

“Where’s Mills?” my aunt Macy asks. I turn to my right, looking at her with a shrug.

“Not sure, Aunt Macy.”

She nods, placing a hand on the sleeve of my suit. I stare down at her, watching as she swallows heavily. “Leona was a great sister and mother, you know that right?” she asks. “She loved you boys but I know it was a mistake to let you go. I’m glad you forgave her and came back to take care of her. It makes me so proud. It lets me know she raised you two the right way.”

My throat become
s scratchy but I take a sip of wine to block it. “Thanks.”

She smiles, her stained red lips stretching against her pale skin. Aunt Macy looks just like my mom and it makes it worse. They’re practically twins with the same curly
, dark-brown hair, bright grey eyes, and button nose. They’re the same height and everything and I think the only reason anyone can tell the difference between them is because of the wrinkles forming around Aunt Macy’s eyes. She’s six years older than my mother.

“I have someone here
I would like you to meet,” she says, circling her finger around the rim of her wine glass. “I just met her earlier. She’s an adorable young lady and she was one of Leona’s best students at the university.”

I shrug
. I’ve been introduced and bombarded by all of the other random people who think they knew my mother so well. Why not add another? “Where is she?”

“She’s outside with a few classmates. Let me go
and get her.”

Aunt Macy walk
s off and trails her way outside. Deciding I need more wine, I turn for the kitchen of her house and grab the bottle. I fill it halfway but then Natalie comes to mind. I hate what I’d said to her but I felt like it was needed. She’s supposed to be here right now but I don’t know where she is. I wasn’t expecting Mills to arrive early. I knew he wasn’t going to be up for the crowd and the people paying their respects so however late he could get, he would take it.

This morning I had to get myself ready early. Not only did I have to go
and get the roses from the flower shop, but I also didn’t want to wake up to the awkwardness of seeing Natalie. If she would have rode with me to the funeral the tension in the air would have been awkward and heavy and I don’t think I would have handled it correctly.

Seeing her at the funeral made me do a double take. She looked wonderf
ul in her black dress that stopped just above the knees and revealed a smidget of cleavage. Her hair was pinned up and her lips were glossy but I noticed the sad look in her eyes as she arrived with Mills. She stood by his side the entire time and comforted him and a part of me wanted to blow up because it should have been me she was comforting. I should have had my arm around her shoulders, not my brother.

But I guess I deserve it for now. I just need some time alone. I need time to ac
tually gather my thoughts and cope with the idea that I’m not just fatherless, but motherless, too. I can’t continue to cause harm to her emotions so taking some space is best.

“Nolan?”

I spin around with my glass in hand to the sound of Aunt Macy’s voice but my gaze jerks over quickly to the familiar blonde with plump lips and a tight black blouse and black skirt on. Her green eyes pierce through mine and she smiles, clutching her glass of wine.

“I
’d like you to meet Sharon. Leona told me a lot about how she helped out with afterschool tutoring and even coordinated a Mathematician Group for the university.”

My
gaze lingers on Sharon and as I look her over, I partially cringe. Partially because she’s one of the many exes who broke my heart but looks hotter than hell.

“I’ve met her before,” I mutter
tightly.

Aunt M
acy looks at me, her head tilting. “Really? Where? Did Leona bring her around?”

“No. I knew her before she
’d even met my mother.”

“Yeah,” Sharon butts in. “Nolan and I go way back. We were pretty tight in twelfth grade.” She flashes a wide
, white smile beneath her glossed lips but I look away from her to my aunt.

“Well that’
s fantastic!” Aunt Macy chimes. “I’ll leave you two alone to get acquainted again. I’ll go attend to the guests.”

I fix my lips to speak, wanting to tell
her to take this bitch with her but she’s already around the corner before I can even look away from Sharon. Bringing my glass up to my lips, I look her over a few times before finally deciding I was an idiot for falling for someone like her. She looks like the kind of girl who doesn’t know how to settle down. The kind of girl who hurts for the fun of it. What the hell was I so caught up about?

“So, Nolan,” she sighs, walking
past me to get to the wine bottles. She grabs the bottle of wine beside me and I catch a whiff of her. She doesn’t smell like Natalie who always smells like warm vanilla. She smells like strawberries and some other fruit. I have to go with the vanilla more on this one. I can never get enough of Natalie’s sweet aroma. “Let me just start by saying that, differences aside, I truly am sorry for your loss. Ms. Iris was the best professor I ever had and working with her was always fun.”

“That’s nice.”
I hate how my mother got people to call her Ms. Iris instead of Ms. Young. When she started dating her boyfriend, she changed her last name back to her maiden name to make it seem like she had never been married.

Sharon looks up at me, her green eyes flickering before she takes a sip of her wine. As she drinks, her eyes never leave me. “So how are things?”

“Great.”

“No
girlfriend or anything?”

“I have a girlfriend,” I counter.

“Oh.” She looks around, as if my girlfriend is supposed to magically appear. “Well, where is she?”

“She’s coming.”

My throat thickens and for a moment it feels as if someone has just poured sand into my mouth. I don’t know if she’s coming. I know her flight is at five but it’s only one in the afternoon and neither she nor Mills are here.

“I heard
you moved to Miami a few years ago.” Sharon flips her hair over her shoulder, bringing me out of my worries for a moment. “Look, this is awkward,” she says with a dry chuckle. Her mascaraed eyelashes bat at me as she presses her pink lips around the rim of her wine glass to take another sip. “I’m really sorry for what I did to you. I was young and naïve and I just wanted to have fun. I know that’s, like, the shittiest excuse on the planet but I really am sorry, Nolan. I shouldn’t have done that to you. You were a good guy . . . I just wasn’t good for you.”

I press my
lips together, staring at Sharon while taking note of the sincerity behind her eyes.

To my luck, Mills comes stumbling around the corner with his tie and collar undone
, allowing me a reason to look away without making it awkward. He slides out of his jacket and once he reaches sight of Sharon, he frowns.

“Where’s Natalie?” I ask.

“I took her to the airport.”

He steps
behind Sharon to get to the wine and crackers and my heart clutches as I glare at him. “Why the hell would you take her to the airport without letting me say goodbye?”

“It was her choice, Nolan. She wanted me to take her before we hit traffic. Plus she said she had to get back because she ha
s to finish up some school work or something.” He takes a sip of red wine then turns to look at Sharon again. “Don’t I know you?”

“Nolan and I used to dat
e,” she says before I can respond.

Mills raises an eyebrow, intrigued by Sh
aron’s response. “Is that so?” He takes a bite of his cracker before looking at me. “You should be glad Natalie didn’t come, Nolan. If she would have heard that statement there might have been a catfight.” He caps his palm on my shoulder before stepping past Sharon and I. “Excuse me while I pretend to enjoy the guests.”

I grimace at Mills
’s back until he completely disappears. How could he do that? I wanted to at least say goodbye to Natalie before she left. I guess this proves how hurt she really is. She couldn’t even find the strength to face me and say goodbye. I want the space but I don’t want too much to change. Now that I know she’s at the airport, it’s killing me. She practically ran away at the first opportunity.

Sighing, I turn to look at Sharon who is still watching me with soft eyes. “
We should catch a drink tonight,” she offers.

“No.
” I step past her to get to the balcony door. As soon as I’m out, the fall air wraps around me and the breeze toys with my hair. Placing my wine glass on the table, I walk ahead to lean over the railing and gaze toward the endless trees in front of me. I’ve seriously fucked up. I said so much shit out of anger, frustration, and hurt and she just . . . left. I’m not sure how to deal with it but the weight on my shoulders is much heavier now.

I wanted Natalie to be happier
but I think I’ve made it worse for her. Watching her cry and break down last night destroyed me but she doesn’t need someone like me right now. From the start, I only wanted one thing but it transformed into something else entirely. Something more. How can I make her happy when I’m not happy myself? How can I get her to smile when I don’t want to reveal one?

The balcony door creaks
open behind me and I glance over my shoulder, watching as Mills steps out. He sighs heavily, stepping up to my side and leaning his elbows on the rails with me. “As soon as she came back to the car, I asked her what was wrong and she started bawling her eyes out,” he says. “She told me what you had said to her last night . . . well some of it. I couldn’t make out everything.”

I turn to look at him slowly but he’s looking ahead at the tree
s. His features are harder and more tired than normal. He finally turns to look at me and I sigh, raking a hand through my hair. “I told her I needed some space. I don’t want it to be permanent. I just don’t know how to deal with her when I’m feeling like this. I’d rather pick myself up again before trying to carry her. I don’t want to drop her.”