Hard to Hold On (9 page)

I look down at the picture of her i
n my arms, smiling up at me, and then another with her still in my arms but we’re kissing. At the sight of it I cringe and right after, the painful memories return.

“Check this out,” Mills said, tossing a football in my direction. Luckily I caught it before it could knock over the mannequins. Mills had a strong arm.

“Mills, chill out.”

“Fuck outta here,” he said, tossing another football. I grimaced as I caught it and then he chuckled. “Fine. Wussy.”

“Whatever,” I muttered
as I placed the footballs in the bin beside me. “Let’s head to the food court. I need something to eat . . . plus I want to buy Sharon this Build-A-Bear thing she’s been talking about. Her birthday is tomorrow.”

Mills nodded in agreement and after we ate, we split up. I headed for the Build-A-Bear
workshop while he headed to one of the shoe stores of the mall. I felt so fucking stupid for making my way to that shop but I loved Sharon and I wanted to get her something she wanted. She said she wanted it to say something but I didn’t know what I was going to have it say. I wasn’t that damn creative.

As I rounded one of the corners, that’s
when I saw her. She had on a pair of light blue skinny jeans, a white shirt that was knotted in the back, revealing her flat belly, and her blonde hair was in silky waves against her back. I was about to run up to her and twirl her in my arms but then a tall guy ran up to her side to catch up with her.

I wanted to pound his face in for draping
his arm around her shoulder but when she started giggling and acting as if she’d known him for months—maybe even years—I backed off. She kept walking forward and I kept watching. She was . . . happy. Happier with him than she was with me.

I s
hould have confronted her at that very moment. I should have kicked his ass and caused a scene just so she could be embarrassed, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I had to control myself and my temper.

A few weeks after I saw her with the other guy, we started to drift apart and I didn’t give one fuck about it. I knew what she was doing when she would tell me she had to leave early to study or that she was going to meet one of her friends somewhere. I knew she was lying to me and it was making shit worse. I don’t know why I was still with her—why I was still sticking around. I guess I just enjoyed the fact that she was an easy fix.

I
thought she cared but she couldn’t have cared enough because she fucked with someone else while dating me. I figured I wasn’t enough for her so I decided to start going out with Mills and a few friends. We would get so wasted that I would forget about everything. I don’t blame myself for bringing random girls home and having sex with them. I don’t regret shit because Sharon fucked me over and she deserved every ounce of pain when she’d found out I had cheated on her as well. Once we’d figured out we were no match, we split and I never wanted to see her face again. I was lucky Mills found a job in Miami and wanted to get away from Mom and her boyfriend so I went with him. Miami was bad for me—someone who was only looking for quickies and one-night-stands—but I loved the feeling of being free.

I just knew
, then, that I wouldn’t get serious with another girl until I was ready—until I wanted to trust again. I dated girls in Miami just to date them. I dated them because I was never in my right state of mind but when I met Natalie, looking at her caused something to flip inside of me. She was so innocent. So unique.

The first night I m
et her at the club, I admit she was hotter than hell and I wanted to fuck her brains out. I wanted to slam my dick into her so many times and then drop her off at wherever she lived without so much as a phone call the next day, but I couldn’t. When we went to the beach on the first night I’d met her, she told me that being with me was the most fun she’d had in weeks. She told me I was sweet . . . caring . . . different. She said she knew I was hiding something—that I was feeling some kind of pain and I asked her how she knew but she never explained because she was drunk and kept switching subjects. I wanted an answer so badly that night but I never got one.

That
very night, I realized what I was doing was wrong. I had cheated so many times before—even before Sharon—but I was so immature. I only did it because I’d always dated girls who were hot and in the end would fuck me over. I could never figure out why I enjoyed the one night stands. I guess it was because with a one night stand, there are no feelings involved. You don’t have to care.

But
with Natalie, I started to feel bad for my inner thoughts. I started to hate myself for hurting girls just because I was hurt. I had no reason besides the fact that I was immature. I admit there were a ton of girls who would call me the next day or even the next week looking for more from me but I couldn’t afford
more
. When I saw them, I would act like I didn’t even know them.

Sharon was the
main girl I actually wanted something with before I had moved to Miami. The girls before her, I liked a lot, but they ended up destroying me as well. I seriously tried—especially after Mills told me not to fuck up anymore—but after Sharon I didn’t care anymore. She made me not want to give a damn about love. I hated love at one point because being in love is what had hurt me.

I don’
t know what it is exactly that made me fall for Natalie but I want her back and I don’t care how I get her into my arms again, I just know I will. I’m not giving up on the girl who proved to me that there’s always a person who can bring out the best in someone else.

Chapter Eleven

Natalie

Harper pulls up to an Italian restaurant that’s on the border of Miami Beach.
The seats we’re given by the hostess are amazing. We’re on the patio outside where a cool breeze continues to pass by and tons of white candles are sitting on the tables. It could pass for a romantic scene but we’re here as girls to gobble down some real food and then destroy some rich chocolate cake.

“This is so pretty,” Harper says as she places a hand on her chin, her elbow on top of the table.

“It really is.” We gaze out towards the beach where the water is rushing to the shore and then hurrying back. We watch it repeatedly before Harper finally sighs dramatically and looks my way.

“I have to tell you something,” she says.

I grab my cup of water and take a sip. “What?”

“I think Dawson went to Tampa to see an ex.”

My eyes narrow as I turn to face her, providing all of my attention. “What? Why would you say that?”

“Because he pocket dialed me last
night and I heard a girl’s voice—and it wasn’t like a family member’s voice. She was giggling and saying his name as if he was messing around with her and she was trying to get him to stop. I didn’t want to think negatively but he hasn’t called me all day. I’m starting to worry.”

Harper’s gaze shifts to the bod
y of water ahead again. It’s now that I notice she’s been acting a little off today. Even this morning, I could see the depression in her eyes but Harp has a good way of hiding things. I could tell something was wrong but had no time to ask because I had to get to class.

“Maybe you should confront him about it.”

“No, Nat.” She groans, planting her elbows on the table and rubbing her temples with her forefingers. “I just—I should have known he was too perfect. He treats me too good. I’m so blinded by him that I never think maybe he’s treating another girl the exact same way as he’s treating me.” She looks up at me and her hands fall, causing the table to rattle. “I didn’t tell you, but he mentioned another girl’s name in his sleep. It was like
Ivy
or something. I don’t know. I asked him the next morning who Ivy was and he brushed me off—acted like I was the one who was delusional.”

My mouth clamps shut, unsure of what to say.
What can I say to that when I’m the one who told her to give him a chance? “Dawson just doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would hurt anyone. Nolan told me he doesn’t condone cheating, Harp.”

“There’s always a first time for everything,” she breathes.

As I open my mouth to speak, a waitress comes to our table in a collared burgundy shirt and black pants. She flashes a smile at us as she folds her fingers in front of her. “Hi. I’m Michelle. I’ll be your waitress for tonight. Can I start you off with anything to drink?”

I order a Mountain Dew and Harper orders a glass of wine.

“Great. I’ll get them right away. By the way, we have a great special tonight. There’s baked fish coated with lemon and steak with your choice of sides each only eight-ninety-nine.”

“That’s great,” Harp says. “I think I’ll take both
once you’re back.”

I laugh and the waitress nods with a large smile. “I’ll b
e right back with your drinks.”

“I feel nauseous,” Harper says after the waitress has walked off. I look
at her, puzzled, and she sighs, leaning her back against her chair. “Be honest with me. Do you think he’s cheating on me?”

“No, Harper.
” I grab her hands and she looks at me beneath her eyelashes. Her eyes water but she forces herself to blink quickly to get rid of the tears. “Harp, I don’t think Dawson is that way. It could have been anyone. When he comes back, you can talk to him about it. Just don’t think negatively. He loves you. He watches your every move. I always catch him staring at you when you aren’t looking.”

“I know,” she nods. “I just . . . I don’t want this to end.
No offense, but I see how unhappy you are that you and Nolan are taking a break but I don’t want a break. I don’t want him away from me or with anyone else but me.”

My chest tightens as she brings Nolan up. I rel
ease my grip from her hands, taking a glance at my phone sitting on top of the table. Not even a text message. I wonder what he’s doing in California right now. Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Has he thought about calling me just as bad as I’ve been dying to call him? To distract my mind of annoying relationship problems, I turn to look at Harper who is picking at her cuticles.

“Is it bad
I met someone today?”

In an instant, she looks up at me and her eyes are as wide as golf balls. “Nat!
What about Nolan?”

“Nolan hasn’t called me in three days.”

“Yeah because you weren’t answering. I would have stopped calling, too. That shit is really frustrating.”

“He doesn’t call sober, Harp.
I have my reasons.”

She flings her hand,
her head shaking negatively. Harper’s blonde hair is longer and reaches her shoulder blades again, just like it used to be back in high school. “Whatever. So, who’s the guy?”

“He said his name was Tyler Stokes—”

“What?” she screeches, interrupting me. “
The
Tyler Stokes.”

“I’m not sure what that’s supposed to m
ean,” I say through a dry laugh, “but it’s the name he gave me.”

“Tyler Stokes throws some of the wildest parties here in
Miami. His mom has a lake house on the far end and he throws a party there every time she’s out of town. I heard there’s supposed to be one this weekend—oh shit, Nat, we should definitely go.”

“Um . . . I don’t think that’s such a great idea.”

Her eyebrows draw in. “Why not?”

“Because I kind of . . .
blew him off.”

This time she frowns. “What the hell? Why would you blow someone like him off? He’s too hot for words and if he’s interested in you that makes you one lucky bitch. Tyler’s only had one girlfriend and that was back in tenth grade. He doesn’t date at all or even bother to ask girls
out. They usually go running after him.”

“Well, not this time. He chased after me when class was over.” I narrow my eyes a
t her. “I could have sworn you were just defending Nolan. Now you’re upset because I blew some guy I know nothing about off?”

“Well
. . . he’s just someone every girl goes nuts over. You should be proud of that. It means you’re one sexy chick. If he were to ask me out, I doubt that I would say no. I would say yeah just to get a feel of what it may be like with a guy who isn’t usually up for dating.”

“That’
s you,” I sigh. “I told him Nolan and I are on a pause but I’ve decided if things don’t get better within the next few days, I
might
give Tyler a call.”

“Oh, good,” she says, smirking. “You’re playing the “hard-to-get” game. What guy wouldn’t want a challenge?”

I giggle. “I really didn’t think of it that way.”

The waitress steps back up to the table with our drinks. After we’ve ordered
our food, she dashes away again, leaving us ample time to continue our chat until our food is ready. As Harper continues to talk about Tyler, I actually start to become intrigued. He sounds unique—like someone who will do anything to get what he wants. Someone like Nolan.

“So if
it doesn’t work out with Nolan you’re really going to give Tyler a chance?” Harper asks, placing her fork down.

“I don’t know,” I mumble
. “I really want to work this out with Nolan but he just isn’t the same. I wish you could have seen him. He was someone else. Mellow, depressed, silent. He hardly talked to me and when he did, we would end up arguing. It wasn’t like us. I can’t blame him for being hurt over his loss but I thought we were stronger than this.”