Hard to Hold On (3 page)

****

As soon as I arrive home I see Mills laid out on the sofa with a bottle of vodka in his right hand. I lock the door behind me before going for him and taking it away. “Mills, get up and go to bed.”

He perks up slow
ly, his eyes still bloodshot. Snatching his bottle of vodka back, he staggers to his feet. He almost face-plants but I catch him before he can hit the floor. Chuckling, he slams the bottle of vodka down on the coffee table then stands up as straight as he can.

“Don’t be a fag,” he says, blowing his intoxicated breath into my face. “Mom isn’t here. We can drink as much as we want
to now, right?”

My chest tightens from him calling me a “fag” and from him making fun of Mom’s
house rules. “Alright. Time for bed.” I tuck my shoulders beneath his heavy arm and drag him towards his bedroom. I practically toss him onto his bed and he lets out another hysterical chuckle before falling onto his side and burying his face into one of his pillows.

I wait, hoping
he won’t get up, but after only a minute he begins to snore. I shut his door behind me, turning for my room exhaustedly. I kick my shoes off, peel my khaki’s away, and toss my shirt into the hamper beside my closet before settling into my bed.

It ticks me off how
Mills is acting like the younger brother instead of the older brother but I can’t act like I didn’t see this coming. When our father died, he broke every rule in the book. He got suspended way too many times from school for fighting kids who talked about our family and he had even smoked marijuana for a short period of time before he finally realized there was something better out there for him. He stopped completely when we’d moved to Miami and his girlfriend Lorie came into his life. When our mother found her boyfriend, Mills realized it was time for him to man up.

I still hate how she chose her worthless boyfriend
over us. She should have kept her boys close to her because we would have taken better care of her than he did. He knew she was sick but he hardly did anything about it. What hurts me most is I didn’t get to hug her one last time. I thought she would come out alive and maybe I could hug her a million times. I seriously thought she was going to make it. My hopes were so high and I guess it’s why I feel so terrible. My hopes were crushed and shattered completely.

I turn on my side and stare at the white wall.
Tears threaten to spill and I try to bite them back but it’s merely impossible. It’s only been a day but I miss her like hell. I miss everything about my mom and even though she did us wrong, I forgave her. She was someone to hold onto and someone who made us realize that life goes on. She was devastated when Dad died which is why I think she chose her boyfriend Derrick over us. She didn’t want to let the love for another man go but at the end of it all, he was the one who’d let her go. He was the one who fucked her over.

When our dad died she told me every
day it was in God’s plan . . . but what was his plan for taking both of my parents away from me? What did he want from me? I couldn’t figure out why my life had to be so miserable. I’ve done some minor things in the past—things most people would look over—but I never thought it would amount to this. Pain. Grief. Heartache. I can’t believe I’m experiencing another death of someone so close to my heart—my mother, of all people.

I feel like a pussy
for weeping but I can’t stop. I can’t seem to get over the reality of it. Both of my parents are gone and they’re never coming back.

Chapter Five

Natalie

T
he wheels of the plane touch the ground as I nibble on my bottom lip. I’ve never felt so nervous about anything in my life—well besides the night at lounge Haven for Open Mic a few months ago but that nervousness can’t even compare to now.

I thought
I would be excited to see Nolan again. Turns out I’m not completely. I am excited to be with him and hopefully make him feel better but it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to be the same. I haven’t talked to him all weekend and to see him today may be odd.

A flight attendant speaks through the microphone but it’s all a buzzing around my head. As soon as I see
people standing and reaching into the compartments above to grab their bags, I do the same. I hurry down the aisle and take my time going down the hall that leads to the lobby. I can’t help but wonder if he’ll be excited to see me. Is he as anxious as I am? Will he be smiling and ready to see me?

After pushing through the crowd just to fight for my own suitcase, I turn around and scan the lobby. The wailing and crying of babies fil
ls my ear buds. People chatting and business people rushing with their phones glued to their ears takes my attention away—that is until I see Nolan standing near the exit.

I gasp at first sight of him.
It’s not what I’d expected at all—in fact, it’s much worse. He looks terrible in his faded jeans and white T-shirt. I can’t forget to mention the bags beneath his eyes that prove his lack of peaceful sleep. I study his lean stature, glad I can still make out the curves and creases beneath his T-shirt. At least he hasn’t let himself go all the way.

As I step forward, my heart pounds heavily. He spots me coming before I can get to him and as soon as his s
oft eyes meet mine, he smiles . . . but of course it’s a forced one.

“Hi, Bunny,” he whispers
in my ear, pulling me against him. I smile over his shoulder, embracing his touch that I’ve missed over the course of these four months. His masculine scent that I’ve missed lingering in my lungs. I feel the heat radiating from his body and I sigh because I’ve missed this. I’ve missed holding on to him and I don’t want to let go but I do fractionally to get a better look at him.

He pushes a hand through his mussed hair before reaching for my suitcase and my tote bag. “Nolan, are you feeling alright?”

He shrugs. “I’m living, right?” My lips press as he digs into his pockets to pull out some car keys. “Come on. We don’t want to hit traffic.”

Nodding, I follow after him to
wards the exit. As he pushes out, I take in the warm, fall air of San Francisco. It feels nice but it’s nowhere near as warm as Miami is.

We continue to walk until we reach
a silver Altima. He pops the trunk, places the bags inside, and I slide into the passenger seat with jumbled nerves as he shuts it and hurries for the driver’s side. This isn’t what I was expecting at all. I don’t like the silence from him. I don’t like how quiet he is or how drained he looks. I guess the double shifts and his loss is really catching up with him.

As soon as Nolan climbs in, I grab his hand before he can start the car. He turns his head to look at me, his hard grey eyes lingering on mine before falling.
Locking my fingers around his, I sigh and he looks away, swallowing heavily. “Nolan, look at me.”

“I look like shit, Bunny.
” He gives me a dry smile.

“Yeah . . .
you do,” I agree with a teasing grin, “but I understand. I’m sorry for your loss, but you know you can talk to me about anything. That’s what I’m here for.”

“There’s not much to talk about
, Natalie.” He pulls his hand away to reach up and place his fingers behind my ear. My skin tingles from his touch and his gaze that’s focused on mine. “Thank you for coming. Sorry if I’m acting a little . . . off.” He places a quick kiss on my lips then pulls away to crank the car.

My immediate reaction would be to speak but I
’m stuck. I can’t. I don’t know what to say. Instead of talking, I let the ride carry on silently. He doesn’t seem to mind it, but I do. It’s most likely a girl thing but I want to talk about it. He shouldn’t be bottling his emotions up. I know Nolan and if he feels a certain way he’ll tell me. But this time is completely different. He isn’t saying anything at all.

I should have gotten a dozen kisses and his hold should have never left from
around me at that airport until another few minutes but I have to understand. I have to put myself into his shoes.

I just hope
this behavior doesn’t last for very long.

****

The home we arrive at is a cute brick home with black shutters and a large porch with four wooden rocking chairs on it. The grass is surprisingly green and the few oak trees in the yard hover above the house like towers.

Nolan hops out of the car quick
ly and hurries for the trunk and I get out, but my movements are cautious.

Pulling out his key, Nolan unlocks the
front door and as soon as I step in I absorb the homey feel of it. Black leather couches are against the north and east wall. A flat-screen television is sitting on the TV stand and a dark-brown coffee table is centered between it all. I can’t help but stare at the half-empty bottle of vodka on the table. I look from it to Nolan who has just sighed.

“Wanna see my room?” he asks.

“Sure.”

I follow him down the hall to the last room on the left. He swings his door open and I smile because it’s the kind of room I would expect someone like Nolan to sleep in. His walls aren’t painted but he has a large bed, a small flat-screen television on his dresser
, a corner desk piled up with books, and loads of clothes sitting in the corner. It’s simple, just like him.

“Excuse the mess. I tried to clean but . . . well I just gave up
on it,” he murmurs. “I hate cleaning.”

I smile
at him as he drops my bags in the corner then steps towards me again. My breath hitches as he pulls me against him, staring solely at my mouth. I pull my lips in to bite on them, feeling his fingers spread across the small of my back before drifting down to my hips.

“I’ve missed you
, Bunny,” he murmurs against my lips. I release the bite from my lips and he doesn’t hesitate to kiss me. A moan catches in my throat from the plushness. Oh, how I’ve missed his lips against mine. “I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you . . . it’s just been awful,” he breathes. He kisses my neck and I nod, catching a grip of his shirt.

“I understand.”

Groaning, his lips find their way to mine again and he begins to back me up towards his bed. The back of my legs press against the edge and we fall slowly, but his hands never leave from my body. He kisses a trail from my neck to my collarbone. Rigid breaths tumble out of me as he reaches his hands beneath my tank top to pull my shirt over my head. I allow him to do so freely. I’ve wanted this for so long and I know he has as well.

He unbuttons my jeans
and I undo his. Slowly, he tugs my jeans away from my hips. His lips work their way from my navel to my pelvis until they’re down completely. His gaze lingers on mine and his tongue works its way between his lips. As he stares at my blue panties, he groans delightfully and in only a second, those have disappeared as well. He dives back in, attacking my lips with too much force.

His lips
literally crush mine and I can’t believe how turned on, yet, frightened I am by his touch. I’m frightened because I feel the stress coming from his body. I feel the hurt he’s been holding in. His arousal presses between my legs and I tense, feeling his heat and erection throb against me. Heat runs from my belly and spirals between my legs and my body arcs, begging for him to slide inside of me already.

He stares down at me
, reaching a hand up to remove my bra. As soon as it’s unclasped his tongue swirls around one of my nipples and a heavy moan brushes past my lips. My eyes squeeze shut, allowing the pleasure to burn through me. One of his fingers slide into me while his thumb rubs around my core and I gasp and moan at the same time. He’s building me up but right now, after so long, I can’t stand it. I need him inside of me because the ache between my legs has been here for far too long. I need to get rid of it.

Nolan’s grey eyes turn hard and before I know it, he’s
pulled his hand away to shove himself deep inside of me. I moan and he grunts before hissing through his teeth. Reaching a hand down, he cups my ass and plunges deeply, slowly. The strokes are defined, simple, but I don’t need that right now. I need it all.

He brings his thu
mb down to rub circles around my core and I nod recklessly before clinging onto his shoulders. “I’ve missed you,” he murmurs then picks up his pace.

Like a little girl, I scream and cry his name. He pumps heavily and with each one is a grunt or a moan. Sweat begins to form between us
and the room heats up thickly, intensely, but he doesn’t stop. He hooks my legs around his waist and lifts my hips, allowing only the top of my shoulders to rest on the bed. I stare into his eyes, but that’s when I notice how something isn’t right.

That’s when I notice
the glisten in his eyes, as if he’s about to cry. He tries to blink the tears away and continue but I pull back quickly and he pulls out of me. “Nolan?”

His gaze drifts from mine to the mangled
blue sheets on his bed. I wait for him to respond but he remains silent. Still trying to catch his breath, he climbs off of the bed and reaches for his jeans.

“Nolan
? What’s the matter?” I ask, stepping off the bed and reaching for my bra. I hook it on then put on my panties before stepping towards him. “Nolan,” I snap. He finally looks up with sorrow drowning each of his features and my eyes immediately depress for him. “Tell me what’s wrong.”