Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (31 page)

I don’t believe our actions alone determine our place in the afterlife, I believe our faith does. Belief is a powerful behavior. What you believe is what controls your actions. It’s the core of who you are. But our bodies bind us. Most people’s scope is limited to their senses. If they can’t see it, touch it, hear it, taste it or smell it; then they just don’t believe it. What satisfies the human senses is what’s real to them. Anything else is imagination. It’s just a dream.

Dreams are often buried by reality and reality often deters some from even dreaming. There’s a generation of people who had to give up their dreams to work nine-to-five jobs and provide for their families. Many of those employed aren’t working jobs that fulfill their passion. There are teachers who wish they were cooks, and cooks who truly have a passion for painting. The world is so mixed up with people in the wrong careers who had to compromise their passion for paychecks. Well, how much can a job pay you to give up on your dreams?

Then, you have those people who insist that they’re living their dreams, but the problem is just that–they’re their dreams. If personal goals aren’t in line with your life’s purpose, then you’re simply wasting your time and your life. There are millions who waste their talents on the wrong dreams. They might make mad money, but they’re miserable and unfulfilled. What’s the purpose in that?

Finally, there are those that don’t allow their environment or current state to dictate their future. There are people that dream of moonwalking on the moon and don’t let the fact that they are stationed on Earth stop them. These are the kinds of people whose motivation isn’t affected by successes or failures, but by the type of faith that surpasses human emotions.

If you can see every detail of your vision clearly, you’re not dreaming big enough. Clarity can be overrated – don’t be afraid to move on a maybe. Embrace the haze and enjoy the fog. It’s not always about knowing how to do it. It’s about the sheer will and determination to get it done. Be more afraid of not trying than the results. It’s OK to not know how it’ll get done as long as you know it’ll get done. If all the pieces of life’s puzzles could be seen, you’d abandon your faith.

Sleep-derived dreams are similar to real life dreams in that the minute you open your eyes, is the second your dream is ruined. Dream with your eyes closed because faith requires you can’t see what’s in front of you, but you have to know that it’s there. No need to fear the future, just look back and see how you were taken care of in the past. Today is the tomorrow you were anxious about yesterday. Don’t measure Wednesday’s worries with Tuesday’s doubt. Relax. Most of your concerns won’t matter in thirty days. Keep living. Have some faith.

Manners won’t save you–your faith will.

Grace Under Fire

Grace Under Fire:
Socially Awkward

Keeping Cool

No one is immune to uncomfortable or stressful scenarios. Often, what makes the experience uncomfortable is the lack of knowledge in regards to addressing it or our fear of being judged. What makes a situation stressful is your reaction to it, so in essence you create your stress. Throw all of that crap out of the window and let’s address some uncomfortable scenarios head-on. You’ll never get over what you’re unwilling to face.

When is it appropriate to let someone you are dating know that you are celibate?

Your celibacy deserves a round of applause. In no way should you be embarrassed by or ashamed of it.

Nowadays, it seems your best bet is to tattoo
celibate
on your forehead or throw it on your online bio. Well, not quite. Your social network is public, but your sexual network doesn’t have to be. Touching bodies can be a touchy subject, and if you’re not the touchy-feely type, then discussion of formal fornication can get awkward. I know from experience. I somehow held onto my virginity by choice throughout all of high school and some of my time at college. That’s like fifty decades in man-years!!!

You should have a defined plan for your sex life. If you don’t, that’s OK. I’ve come up with
8 Perfect Moments To Let Him Know Your Status
:

• Whenever you feel comfortable:
  You have the right to be conservative with your sexuality. Tell him if and when you decide. You don’t owe anyone an answer and your privacy must be respected. If there’s no real reason he should know, then you have the right to remain silent. But anything you say or do can be used against you. Don’t lead on.
  
• Right away:
  The “what are you looking for in a relationship” question is bound to arise. If it doesn’t, then bring it up. Both of you can be upfront about general expectations, needs and desires. If you’re not having sex, say so. If you’re just looking to have fun, say so. Now, get on with the date.
  
• Date three:
  Right away may be too soon for some. Date one is just a pop quiz and date two is a test. By date three, you at least know you’re interested in seeing this person more than twice. At that point, you can open up. Figuratively, not literally.
  
• When we attempt intimacy or discuss anything intimate:
  And by intimate, I mean cupping of the buttock, extended hugs accompanied with slow smiles, tongue tussling, etc. When we lead into hints about getting physical, it’s an opportunity for you to speak up. This method lets us know where you stand on the subject without you having to plaster your choice on a billboard.
  
• When
  after-the-date
  plans come up:
  “So what are you about to do?” is the translation for, “Can I go to your place or will you come back to mine?” That’s the perfect opportunity for you to state your standards. A standard answer – “Me and my vagina are going home, alone.” Smile ☺.
  
• When it could hurt the relationship:
  It’s all about politeness, courtesy and concern for others as well as you. The moment you feel that withholding your sexual status can affect the relationship, it should be discussed. It’s fair for both sides to lay out all the cards when deep feelings are involved.
  
• When discussing your faith
  : If you’re abstaining for religious reasons, you can casually incorporate it in the dialogue without feeling pressured. Mention it, sip your tea and move on. An appropriate way to bring up religion on a dinner date is to ask us to pray over a meal.
  
• In authentic dialogue
  : As long as you’re being yourself, a man will pick up on your vibe. It’s when you pretend to be someone you’re not that causes issues. Avoid sexual flirting or inviting a guy over after the date if you have no intimate intentions. To some, sex is as much of a deal breaker as religion. What’s important to someone else should be as respected as what’s important to you.
  

If you wait until his pants are off, you’ve waited too long. Communication is key. Communicate clearly and concisely. “I’m abstinent” could mean “I’m open to it, but scared,” “I want to wait until marriage,” “I want to do it with the right person,” “I don’t want kids or an STD” or “I’m just not having sex with you.” Be honest. Ideally you don’t want anyone surprised in the heat of the moment, so try to stay away from sexual scenarios altogether.

Ideally, you want to be with someone who wants to be with you. And wanting to be with you includes respecting you and your values. If telling him you’re a virgin will scare him off, perhaps you should tell him you’re a virgin. If he never calls you again, you know exactly what he wanted from you. Do not sweat it – he did you both a favor.

Should I tell a friend her/his breath is a disgrace?

Absolutely. If you have a friend who consistently has harsh breath, and you don’t inform that friend, you are without a doubt their enemy. The way to get the message across without coming off as rude is to offer gum or a mint…every single time they come around. If a mint won’t give a hint, pull your friend to the side and address the issue without making a scene. Get it over with and laugh about it later. A pretty smile is ruined by abusive breath. Hold your hand to your mouth and smell your own breath prior to an ill assumption that anyone else wants to.

What’s the best way to answer prying questions like, “How much do you make?” or “How much did that cost you?” if you don’t really want to answer the question with specifics?

As long as rude people exist, rude questions will continue to exist. Now for the easy part: What you make is no one’s business but yours. A great way to respond to someone who asks you how much money you make is by simply saying, “Enough,” or “I’m comfortable.” This politely allows you to answer their question without a numerical value, but also lets the
Curious George
know that your salary is private. If the inquiry serves a real purpose (a friend interested in your career and curious about the salary), feel free to provide them a range. If someone asks how much something costs you, tell them you don’t recall, but feel free to refer them to the store’s website.

How to handle annoying co-workers who play their music too loudly, constantly eat foul food in the office or just talks too much.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. If someone plays music too loudly and you don’t feel like dealing with that person, take it to a higher up (manager/boss) and let that person dissolve the scenario while you maintain anonymity. If you’d like to handle it yourself, offer them some headphones. If a coworker eats smelly food, bring an air freshener. If someone talks too much, don’t give him or her a chance to talk to you. Make your office space as non-intrusive as possible. Stack a pile of blank papers on your desk to show you’re busy. Pick up the phone every time they walk by. Do anything to symbolize busyness.

You text someone a really personal message and realized it went to the wrong person.

If they don’t respond, act like it never happened, and they’ll likely do the same. If you do get a response, reply with a simple, “Wrong person,” text. We all make mistakes, but always double check before you text. Some phones offer delayed texting that allows up to five seconds for you to cancel a message before it goes through.

Running into an ex with his new girlfriend.

Always play it casually. Don’t draw unnecessary attention to the scene. Be cordial and leave it at that. No sense in making a potentially awkward situation worse. Besides, an ex is an example of what to never do again. You should be in a space where seeing them be happy doesn’t affect you.

Your significant other has gained a few pounds, and it’s turning you off. You’ve gently mentioned it before, but he didn’t get the hint. What’s the best way to have that conversation?

Don’t insult or discourage him. Suggest working out together because you want to live more healthily and would like him to be there for companionship and encouragement. This approach diminishes embarrassment, finger-pointing and resentment. Teamwork makes that dream work.

You find out your friend’s ex is interested in you. You’ve always found him attractive, but didn’t care to give any thought to it. What do you do?

No matter how much logic I apply to this scenario, some of you still won’t like my answer. I’ll have to break this down. There are several variables to consider with a topic like dating a friend’s ex. How long were they dating? How serious was it? Are feelings still involved? The question remains, is it ever OK to do it? Yes, it’s OK. When you move out of a home, you no longer hold the key to the house. Regardless of what memories you have invested in that home, anyone, including your friend, is allowed to purchase and move in. The same holds true for relationships. Exes are fair game. Once it’s been decided to move on, you are officially releasing that person out into the world. Having a sense of entitlement to an ex is like getting fired from a job and still expecting pay! Dumb.

The eligibility pool of gentlemen has been dwindling, so dating a friend’s ex may be closer to reality than you think. Sometimes life is simply about ration versus emotion, and you can’t solely live life according to feelings – you have to live life according to truth. If you’ve moved on, but have harbored feelings for an ex, take that up with God, not your friend interested in dating him. When you deal with the real issue of personal insecurities and truly letting go, you’ll be able to see your friend with an ex, smile and move on with no further thought. If it’s a recent breakup, or was a serious relationship, the wounds might take longer to heal, but the fact is they must heal. When you let go of something, someone is going to pick it up–and that someone might be a friend.