Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (26 page)

Magnolia:
Nobility.

Mistletoe:
Kiss me; affection; to surmount difficulties.

Orchid:
Beauty, refinement and wisdom.

Orchid:
Mature charm.

Petunia:
Your presence soothes me.

Snapdragon:
Gracious; protection from evil.

Stock:
Bonds of affection; promptness.

Sunflower:
Power; warmth; nourishment.

Tulip (general):
Gift from a perfect lover.

Violet:
Faithfulness; modesty.

We Dined:
Relax. You deserve an evening with a gentleman. Shall we? But if you only accepted the date for the free meal, then get up and go to a homeless shelter. Better yet, go down the aisles of
Costco
for the free samples. If you always have your hand out with nothing to contribute, then we’re on a date with a panhandler. It’s not only inconsiderate, but also impolite go out with someone for ulterior motives. But you knew that already.

Now back to the date. If you’re meeting him at a restaurant, this is one of the rare times where arriving a few minutes late is acceptable. After all, you wear the crown. Allow him to revel in the suspense, but ensure your arrival is better than the anticipation. Don’t keep him waiting too long. If you’ll be more than ten minutes late, what was once cute just became disrespectful. Place a courtesy text or call to update the patient gentleman about the details. An apology would be pleasant, as well.

If you’re arriving together, allow the beau to be a gentleman and open your car door. Perhaps he took notice that your clothes are complicated and your heels are unforgiving, so he was considerate and valet parked. In this case, the concierge will open your door as your date settles the attendant’s gratuity. Now let’s go inside.

Reservations have been made, and hopefully the wait is brief. This is where you can engage in small talk, but nothing too heavy. Save the bold dialogue until after the bold wine has been poured. He might compliment you and say your smile reminds him of May’s warmth, and you may smile warmly. A great way to let us know you’re interested is to compliment us first. It heightens our level of confidence in the moment and helps set the tone for the rest of the evening. The hostess calls out Mr. & Mrs. (his last name). Don’t be startled. He was just trying to be adorable. Maybe it’s too soon. Now let’s have a seat.

No need to reach, he’ll pull out your chair. If it’s fine dining, a server will do it for you. Remove the napkin/serviette from in front of you and place it in your lap. But you knew that already because a gentlewoman knows how to dine properly. In case you forgot…

Here’s a quick reference:

Table Etiquette:

Elbows on the table are OK when in conversation or when waiting for the food. However, when the food arrives, it’s mannerly to remove them to avoid knocking over any utensils. Leave your phone in your purse. Instead of texting at the table, try talking at the table – it sounds foreign, but that’s what human beings did years ago! Allow your memory to capture the essence of the moment. If you don’t want your phone out of sight, then suggest putting all devices in the middle of the table – the first one to use it, has to pay for the meal. Maybe when your smart phone battery dies, maybe you can truly start living.

OK, so your knife blade should be placed on the edge of your plate when not in use and should always face inward. The salad fork, knife and soup spoon are furthest from the main plate than the main course knife, fork and spoon. Dessert utensils are either placed above the main plate or served with dessert.

First things first: say a blessing over your meal and wait until everyone has been served to begin eating. Don’t place an entire dinner roll into your mouth; break off bite sizes only. If the food is too hot, have a cold beverage with it. On no account spit it out! If you put the food in your mouth, no matter how much you hate it, swallow it. It’s rude to take anything out of your mouth that’s been put in it except bones, seeds, foods you’re allergic to, etc.

Always thank the preparer of the meal, no matter how good or bad the food is. The praise is part of the process and displays your gratitude. It’s not just about the meal. If the food is that bad, don’t hesitate to discreetly and kindly let the waiter know. Refrain from making a big deal about it. A good rule of thumb is never to insult the one who prepares your food…trust me! Also, make a mental note of what not to order next time, if there is a next time.

Follow the pace of your guest and don’t finish your meal too soon before or too late after them. Don’t
drink
anything with a
spoon
. Unless you are an infant or an ape, don’t intentionally play with or make a mess of food. Act like a human and chew with your mouth closed. If you’re asked a question while eating, don’t answer with food in your mouth; signal that your mouth is full and swallow before speaking. Don’t slurp your drink. During restroom breaks, place your napkin in your chair to signify that you are returning, and your fork upside down (prongs down), crossing the knife. When finished with your meal, place your napkin to the left of your dinner plate, and your knife (blade turned inward) and fork should be placed beside each other on the plate diagonally from upper left to lower right.

This may sound like a bunch of nonsense, but a gentlewoman who knows how to dine formally is a gentlewoman with class. You never know when this skill will be useful. It can prove purposeful for romantic dates, business dates and formal dinners. When in the privacy of your own home, relax, put your feet up and enjoy your food however you desire!

The Contemporary Date: You ask; you pay. Think of it like any other activity. If you invited friends over for dinner, you wouldn’t expect them to cook. The person who initiates the date is expected to take care of the date. That might be you, or it could be him. Women today mostly have more financial freedom than their grandmother’s generation did. Besides, there’s power in paying your own way. It proves to a man that you’re financially secure with or without him. It provides an equal playing field and releases some of the pressure associated with first-time dating. The best way to let us know we aren’t getting any at the end of the date is to shake our hand and pay for the bill.

The Traditional Date: Date 1: We pay | Date 2: We pay | Date 3: You offer, but we pay | Date 4: You pay. For some men, letting a Lady foot the bill is an inferiority complex, just like some women take offense to us holding open your door. Let’s not make a big deal about this. If we insist on paying, don’t hesitate to let it be. Also, don’t hesitate to let us know that paying for a meal doesn’t entitle us to anything. Some men think that buying dinner means you owe them sex for dessert. Well, they should be arrested for prostitution solicitation. The only thing we’ve rightfully earned is a thank you. Don’t get caught up in the moment and make decisions you’ll regret. One good meal shouldn’t seal the deal. Don’t get overly excited that he took you out for sea bass and wine. If you do decide to give it up for fish and grapes, let it be your decision. It must be a decision that you’re comfortable waking up in the morning with.

There exists a difference between a man who spends on you, and a man who invests in you. Figure it out.

Just because he’s paid, and he pays doesn’t mean he thinks you’re worth his time. Once you’ve figured that out, figure this out: Money is easy to get back – time, not so much. It’s by far the most valuable resource. Figure it out.

The $15 Date Challenge:
Challenge your date to only spend a total of $15 for the entire outing. This forces creativity and thoughtfulness. It can get interesting! It also alleviates any concern we may have about your motives. In all seriousness, a creative date is doper than dinner and a movie. Movie theaters require you to sit still in the dark and be quiet for an hour or two. If the day is organized and specifically tailored to you, it’ll be unforgettable. Some of the best dates require lots of thought, not lots of money. Fresh fruit, an early morning hike, the art gallery, change clothes, have a picnic with wine on the beach and then cook what’s already in you fridge over sensational conversation that leads far past your bedtime. Don’t forget to watch the sunset.
Expensive doesn’t mean enjoyable. Trust me, try it and enjoy! Just don’t be so quick to call home and tell everyone about it. Stay level-headed with a clear mind and wait a few more dates before throwing your ‘I just had an amazing date and I think he’s the one’ party.

Have you ever felt like you were in love, then you burped and it went away? Don’t let those little butterflies in your stomach fool you into thinking you’re compatible – it’s probably just gas.

Before telling him what you’re looking for, let him show you who he is.

Sometimes you just have to sit back, watch and observe. People will eventually show you who they are without you saying a word. This doesn’t mean to shut down and close off all conversation. It means to be wise about all the information you divulge and when you divulge it. Some people will use your blueprint against you.

A WOMAN’S INTUITION ISN’T INSECURITY

You know that thought you thought about, but forgot about it because it seemingly came out of
nowhere
? Well, you might want to rethink that. Red flags are conveniently present prior to relationships. Don’t ignore them. If you have to go through his phone to see if your relationship is in trouble, your relationship is in trouble. When someone unravels and reveals their true self, you must believe them. There’s no need to nag or snoop. Plan your exit, grab the popcorn and enjoy the show.

Be you. Don’t show up as your representative. That’s the common act of attempting to impress someone with everything that you’re not. We’ll spend an entire relationship trying to find a person who never existed.

The Long Distance Dater:
Long distance relationships are no different than any other relationships in that they both require serious amounts of maturity, effort, creativity, communication, commitment, trust, patience and a plan! There must always be an effective plan in place to see the other again. It’s essential to the health of the relationship to manage the anticipation by having a consistent arrangement in place to see your love again. There must also be an end goal. The distance between you must eventually be decreased to his side of the bed–not to sleep in, but to chat of course. If you can’t handle long distance love, you can’t handle love, period. Anything worth having is worth working for, and love will always be worth the salary.

Long distance relationships aren’t the problem; it’s the people in them that are the problem. People are afraid of sacrifice. Instead of catching flights, folks would rather
Skype
. Effort is the fuel to take you that extra mile. Distance doesn’t ruin a relationship; doubt does. Humans often put the blame on situations, rather than themselves. Excuses are in vogue this season!

Long distance loving takes some serious sacrifice, and that sacrifice includes you. Don’t put
all
the pressure on a man to always make all the plans to come to you. Love is we, not just me–and “we” definitely includes you.

Love is patient, and if you aren’t, well then it isn’t love. The greatest relationship I’ve ever been in was a long distance relationship. It tests your strength and character, but the thought of seeing her again was more than enough to hold on. The truest act of bravery is a relationship – especially a long distance one. Take a break from reading and go get your man!

The Progression:
Life is beautiful and busy, but you make time for what’s important, period. Your Tuesday’s together turn into weekends–weekends turn into sleep-ins. Swell! He’s such a gentleman. All your girlfriends call him by his nickname. And although you’ve been dating for some time, you turn into a teen when his name appears in your caller I.D. His voice feels like the only blanket in the house in the wintertime. The feeling is like sipped mellowed rare whiskey, neat. You daydreamed about the taste of his intimacy. Slow down. Sometimes it’s best to imagine.

Courtship is dating for the purposes of marriage. It’s the period of the pursuit where a couple develops a romantic relationship. Maybe you’re prepared to progress the bond, but how do you know if a man is? Many times a woman will look for cues to indicate whether we’re ready to take things to the next level. She’ll read tips in magazines or watch tutorials online. There’s no need to go on a scavenger hunt to determine if a man is ready for a relationship. Just ask. Never underestimate the power of asking a question. And don’t ask your friends or his friends, or a relationship coach–go directly to the source and ask him.

Twiddling your thumbs and waiting around for us to bring up commitment is a death sentence. Relationships work best when you establish boundaries upfront and communicate standards early. Inquiring about the progress of a relationship doesn’t have to be a daunting task. If you’re with someone who cares for you, why are you afraid to ask that person about your future together? Quit looking for symbols and secret signs and just have an adult conversation for once. If you desire something serious, you’re going to have to put yourself out there and talk about it. If you wait for him or the right time, you might be waiting forever. If you were hungry and desired food, you wouldn’t wait until someone offered you a plate. You’d cook, buy your own meal or ask for a serving. Treat this scenario no differently. Speak now or hold your peace, but be prepared for any reaction.