Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (27 page)

When we say we don’t know what we want, we don’t want you. A responsible man who dates a wonderful woman knows within a reasonable amount of time if he wants to advance the relationship. So why are you still there? Go away. Do it for your own good. Indecision is non-negotiable. If a grown man wants you, nothing will separate you from his admiration. When we don’t give a concrete answer to your commitment question, we don’t want it. At least not with you. At least not now. Maybe we’re comfortable with things exactly as they are. Maybe we’re not ready. Perhaps we’ll agree with your relationship goals and be on one accord. Be ready for any of these answers, and respect our decision because it’s our decision. You reserve the right to react accordingly. If bringing up marriage will scare us off, perhaps you should bring up marriage. You have the right to state your expectations, but you don’t have the right to hold us accountable for expectations we haven’t discussed and agreed upon. There are no guarantees in dating.

Go where you are loved. Go where you are appreciated. Go where you are deeply desired. You’d think you’d be sick of feeling like you’re not enough...like you didn’t make the cut, but you keep hanging around. Where’s your dignity? Where’s your common sense? I told you, when you chase a man – he is running from you. Tough pill to swallow, but start chewing. You don’t have to wait in line and fill out an application to determine if a man wants you. Eat the truth. Savor the reality. Now what are you going to do?

THE NBA IS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF RELATIONSHIPS – THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE WITHOUT A RING IN THREE TO FIVE YEARS GET RELEASED OR TRADED

Here’s a dose of reality: Your boyfriend of ten years
probably
won’t be marrying you. To hell with his analogies about waiting to test drive before making a purchase. A Lady isn’t a vehicle–she’s a Lady. How many times will he be allowed to taste the fish before throwing it back into the sea? People don’t get Ph.D.’s prior to preschool. Privileges are escalated when vows are elevated. Expecting a single Lady to act married is like refusing to sign a lease and not paying a dime of rent, but expecting a house key, fridge full of food, plus a few luxury cars in the garage. People have to
pay
to play, and the
price
for your whole heart, body, being and mind is marriage. Your entirety is a luxury! There should be certain benefits reserved and boundaries set for marriage. You determine what those boundaries are. The ball might be in our court, but you’re the referee. Call the fouls and regulate the game, or we might play right through it. If you’re not married, why are you acting like his wife? Oh, you’re auditioning? OK. You’re not a spouse – you’re an unpaid intern.

Don’t play dumb and don’t turn a blind eye because he’s beautiful and his stroke is good. Hold your partner accountable. Stop letting average Joes tell you how
busy
they are. The President is
busy,
and he takes his wife on monthly dates. You really don’t have to settle for the foolishness you settle for in a relationship. Stop allowing it! Dates don’t stop after dating. Anything valuable requires maintenance or it’ll fall apart. Since we like to compare you to cars, we should know best that if you expect something to perform well, you must treat it well. Well, the same goes for relationships. The more you put into it, the more you get out of it. What’s it going to be?

Ultimately, your dating rules and decisions are your own. Some prefer swinging, and some prefer open relationships. Whatever you decide, ensure you’re being treated the way you want to be treated.

Lowering your standards will get you a date – Raising your standards will get you a ring

Maybe you don’t want a ring. And that’s fine. Marriage isn’t everyone’s goal. Maybe you just want consistency. Maybe you want honesty and openness. Perhaps you prefer someone to pick up when you call; who will respect you and the rules you’ve set for yourself. That’s cool. But saggy standards won’t be getting you any of this. Some of you allow your standards to sink just to ensure the spot next to you in bed does.

Use the same intellect in your daily life as your dating life. And stop confusing your standards with your
type
. Your
type
is based on shallow physical attributes. Your standards are based on high morals. By the way, if you’re never your
type’s type
, perhaps it’s time to get a new
type
because your
type
is keeping you single. But you knew that already.

The Decision:
“I’ve got your back.” “I believe in you.” I’m proud of you.” If you don’t hear these words in your relationship, you might be in the wrong one. A Lady’s support makes a man want to take over the world. And our support makes you want to do the same. Not just financial support. He might’ve bought you a sexy car, but without your own drive, you’re not all
that
sexy. We’re attracted to ambition, and relationships work best when couples are supportive of each other’s goals.

DON’T PUT YOUR PURPOSE ON HOLD FOR PENIS

Lust has a capacity. Love is bottomless. You eventually come down from the high of something solely steamy and desire something more fulfilling. You adjust to lust. A spark isn’t enough to ignite the flame to cause the fire that burns throughout a hot relationship. At this point, sex isn’t enough. Being handsome and funny aren’t enough. Being equally yoked is the goal. A woman at 40 might think of having children – A man at 40 might think of dating children. Relationship evaluations are a necessary tool to determine if both of your standards are being met and if you’re where you want to be. Before you try to fix anything, sit back and decide if it’s even worth fixing. If your relationship doesn’t inspire you and you don’t inspire it, you’re wasting each others’ time. It’s unwise to continue dating if standards go unmet. It’s mature to discontinue dating if you’ve come to the realization that you’re ill equipped for the journey.

If your relationship consists of consistently fighting to make it work, you’re probably in the wrong one.

The Breakup:
Severing ties with someone is something that most people will have to do at some point in their lives. The unfortunate fact is people often mistake someone who was placed in their lives for a specific reason, as a soul mate. It happens all the time. They’re so eager for love that they reassign people’s purpose and positions in their lives and latch onto the innocent bystander. Then you find out that the man you married was placed in your life to be the friend that introduced you to your husband. Oops!

The problem isn’t always coming to grips with the fact that you have to say goodbye, but how to actually say it. What’s proper protocol when it comes to a departure? Using technology to sever ties is common, but certainly cowardly. We all need to get back to the forgotten art of saying, “So long.”

When the love story ends, breaking up isn’t hard to do. To toss your insignificant other to the curb, you’ll need a few courtesies to keep in mind:

- Do it yourself.
You can’t send someone else to do your dirty work. It’s the perfect way to burn a bridge. You got yourself into this mess, now get yourself out.

- Face reality.
You can’t go around ignoring calls and cutting off communication without breaking up first. Be a gentlewoman. If you’re unhappy, then say so. Ignoring red flags in relationships is like ignoring red traffic lights. Prepare for a wreck.

- Be upfront.
Dropping hints that you’re no longer interested is unnecessary. Being direct and open will produce the best results, although results may vary.

- Be honest.
Falling out of love is just as uncomfortable as falling in–falling is never comfortable. But attempting to make your significant other hate you is childlike. Immaturity went out of style with insecurity.

-
Get over it.
Keep your, “Ooh girl, let me tell you about him,” comments to yourself. Perhaps he treats her better because she’s better for him. Going off isn’t moving on. To consistently and publicly display hatred for an ex says much more about you than him. You’re over a former fling when you can smile seeing him with someone else. Just because you didn’t work out doesn’t mean they won’t work out. If you’re not careful, your anger toward your ex will transition into anger toward the next. Forgiveness isn’t just for him; it’s for you. Besides, dating is just an elimination process – quit acting like your past owes you something.

When you do decide to breakup, breakup gracefully with class. Saying goodbye doesn’t have to be at his eulogy. Let’s settle this like gentlewomen and gentlemen.

And let’s be honest. Aren’t you glad certain relationships didn’t work out? Sometimes the words, “It’s over,” are exactly what you need to say or hear. Breakups are often blessings that lead you to the person you’re intended to be with. Say thank you! Some relationships are just meant for a season. Quit letting people make it snow in your summertime. Besides, if he’s dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go. The end of a relationship might be the beginning of your life.

Be wise enough to thank God for not giving you some of the things you asked for and gracious enough to enjoy what He gave you instead.

We all want what we can’t have once it’s gone because it’s then we realize how good it was. If you’re going to move on, you need to move on completely. That doesn’t make you mean-spirited – it makes you an ex.

A nice way to move on is to create a zero access zone. Delete your ex from all social networking accounts and even use the block feature if need be. Don’t respond to any attempted communication. If harassment is involved, change your number. If you don’t want to change your cell phone number, simply utilize the block button. If your ex calls from different numbers, file a police report. Direct all emails to spam and cut communication completely. There really is no excuse not to let go. Don’t leave to see if someone will chase after you. If you leave, leave because you aren’t coming back. Otherwise, you deserve everything coming to you. If he’s still in your life, it’s because a small part of you wants him to be. You’re in complete control of what you allow.

WATCH OUT FOR THAT, “HEY STRANGER” TEXT…

He’s afraid to call because he hasn’t kept in touch. He hasn’t kept in touch because he wasn’t ever that interested in the first place. Don’t get overly excited. If he’s dumb enough to walk away, be smart enough to let him go. Why are you still communicating with that last year person this year? Didn’t you say you cut him off? Being horny doesn’t justify a text back. If you sleep with regret, you’ll wake up with regret. Literally.

It’s foolish to pay the price for the experience and neglect the lesson. Learn from the mistake you dated. Otherwise, your ex-boyfriend will be your next boyfriend.

NOTE: Sometimes responding to that, “Hey stranger” message is OK. Perhaps he was a good person, but the timing was bad. Now that things are on track, he’s reaching out. Have discernment and never neglect your intuition.

SECOND CHANCES: You don’t give second chances when they’re beneath your morals, values and ethics. You have to know the difference between settling and being outright unrealistic. Settling is doing something you wouldn’t normally do just to satisfy a selfish temporary desire. Being unrealistic is demanding a perfect man or requiring a checklist that you don’t yet meet yourself. Provide second chances when you feel a real interest in someone. If something silly turned you off and your disgust is unmerited, then really think about what’s important. Bad breath turns some women off to no return. Others realize some mouthwash will temporarily rectify the simple issue and a trip to the dentist will solve it. On the other hand, if someone seriously turns you off, you’re not obligated to keep him around. No hard feelings.

On the contrary, his love might make dinner on the couch feel like a five-star restaurant. The measure of a great relationship is the ability to fall in love with the same person daily. You don’t get sick of being around him, but you’re sick when he’s not around. He’s a specific answer to your prayers. He even mentioned introducing you to his parents. You’re prepared for a lifetime.

Meeting the Parents
: Meeting mom doesn’t mean marriage. Some cats bring strays home. Here’s what to generally expect: His dad is easy. He thinks you’re pretty and probably won’t say much–small talk and smiles. He might keep the conversation going just to see where your head is. His mom is another story. She can potentially be more critical. My advice for you is just to be yourself. You’re not marrying his mom. It’d be great for her to like you, but so what if she doesn’t. If the mother is a kind and neutral woman and dislikes you–maybe, just maybe you might want to evaluate yourself. If you pass your humble self-evaluation check, then her disliking you is her problem.

The same goes for your parents. If your parents unjustifiably dislike your potential spouse, that’s a problem they’ll have to deal with on their own. If you’re an adult capable of making adult decisions, never allow your mom to dictate or control your happy love life. No man in his right mind will want to put up with a crazy mother in the way. If you’re a mother reading this, you’re not your daughter. You don’t choose her dates. You don’t choose her husband. You raised your child…now let her be an adult. Good day to you!