Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (13 page)

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Authors: Enitan O. Bereola

BOOK: Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman

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Bobby Wagner is an American football linebacker for the Seattle Seahawks of the National Football League. He played college football at Utah State. He was considered one of the best linebacker prospects for the 2012 NFL Draft.

Interlude
Love Letters

3 Roses:
Lost Mail

The most Googled word on the Internet is “love.” It seems you’re searching in all the wrong places

If you think an extended text message is a love letter, you’re a product of modern times. Unfortunately, the likelihood of you experiencing a genuine handwritten note is as low as a lace front wig hairline. The handwritten note is still a courteous gesture in the land of texts and emails. Love Letters are the most beautiful, but abandoned and underrated forms of communication hardly written.

After traveling the country speaking to generations of gentlewomen, I understand how important it is for you to hear this. You need love. Not that get-you-pregnant-kind of love, but that tender love that only a brother, father or friend could give. I sent this out to you years ago, but somehow it got lost in the mail…

This is my Love Letter:

Dear Gentlewomen,

I love you. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I didn’t write this for recognition or a pat on the back. I get that at home. I wrote this for you.

I want you to freely explore and express your beauty however you decide. But with 18-year-olds having Botox parties, breast implants and tummy tucks, it’s difficult for me to believe you’re comfortable in your own beauty.

Society has skewed your perception. Each channel you flip and page you turn, you’re either witnessing an airbrushed woman or a made-up one. Don’t compare yourself to an edited image. We don’t need you Photoshopped–give us your flaws, and we’ll touch you up. Not in a filthy way. But in a loving way because those blemishes are beyond compare. Don’t be afraid of your natural self. Beauty is because beauty is. Beauty doesn’t try; it’s externally reflected from the internal. Beauty is uncontrollable and in its most natural state, beauty is you.

The mirror isn’t merely for vanity. Self-reflection can free you from yourself. Take a deep look in the mirror–it’s the most honest companion you might ever have. Sooner or later you’ll have to come to terms with yourself. It’s painful to deal with pain, but your outer view needs an interview with your inner view. Excessively taking care of the exterior in an attempt to cover the pain on the interior is like painting over a filthy car. You’ve got to wash it clean. You’d like you more if you loved you more. Figure out who you are, fall in love with that person and don’t apologize for it. Confidence is simply freedom from doubt.

Matthew 6:25 says, “The important things in life aren’t things…” Expensive bags, excessive makeup, nails done, hair done and everything done won’t make you beautiful. Somewhere along the way, you lost your attractive innocence. It’s tragic if your father gave you your first orgasm; mother may have neglected you, or your boyfriend might’ve beaten you. Abandonment and abuse may have made you believe the lie that you’re not whole; that you’re not amazing just the way you are. You can’t fill your voids with things or second-rate sex. Only love can fill your holes, but you must accept love. Trust your struggle. It’ll be used in a mighty way to touch lives in manners you can’t imagine. That’s beautiful.
You’re so beautiful–no matter what they say and no matter what you’ve been through. You’re glowing. You don’t need permission to be yourself.

Gentlemen, this is for you:
I know some of you snuck off and read this and I don’t blame you, so listen up. Just because you go together doesn’t mean she knows you still think she’s beautiful. It’s not your job to create confidence, but your attention to, and awareness of her is essential. Reassurance is your relationship insurance–pay weekly. A woman has to battle daily thoughts of not being enough, no longer satisfying us, not being attractive enough and other women taking our attention. Secure her, no makeup, the pure her. Your woman is beautiful art – go to her art show and gaze; leave your praise in the comment box to remind her how perfect she is just the way she is.

And ladies, please understand you don’t
need
a man to tell you you’re amazing. All you need is a mirror.

Yours truly,

Enitan Bereola, II

Dear Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty,

I am writing this letter to you as a man you may be unfamiliar with – a father. It seems the only men you have encountered are princes coming to save you, villains who want to kill you or dwarfs who are beneath you. A father’s job is to guide, mold, protect, inform, model, teach and impart. Since you might not have had an active father in your life, I’m going adopt you along with the wonderful daughters I already have.

When your younger sisters read about your lives, they seemed to be summed up in twenty pages or less with more pictures than words. That’s a problem because boys often see more than they listen. It’s very important that you don’t just paint a picture for a man, but give room to hear his words. If he can’t articulate how he sees himself and you in the future, turn the page. If he has all emotion and no intellect, turn the page. If he can’t read, SHUT THE BOOK!

Most of your lives seem to omit courtship and go straight to a big event like a ball or party. A lot of your sisters are following your example and have become messed up as a result. They spend all of their lives dreaming about a wedding, but never preparing for marriage. Don’t expend all your energy on finding the perfect dress when you don’t have an address. The colors of the flowers don’t matter if you haven’t been open about finances. And the reception should be cancelled if you and your future spouse haven’t been real with one another.

All three of you come from broken homes or dysfunctional families, but you never seem to address in your book how that could influence your mindset. Take the good pieces from what’s already broken and build something good. A broken diamond will make many wonderful rings. A broken leg will often heal and become stronger than it initially was. But a broken vow, a broken promise and a broken heart can cause more harm than good if not properly dealt with. Make up in your mind that as you move forward, you won’t repeat dysfunctional patterns, habits and mindsets that you witnessed in childhood. The worst mistake in the world is the one you never learn from.

In each story, there is no evidence that any of you ever worked again after you found love. Love is never unemployed. Love should make you want to work on your dreams, work on your passion and work on yourself. The sum of love is not a shopping spree and trips – but goals, unity, family and focus. The benefit of love is that you no longer work alone, but you now work alongside someone who wants to see you accomplish everything your heart desires.

Now the bad news: there are no fairy godmothers. The good news is that there is a God! Establish an authentic relationship with Him, and you will find how to have one with yourself. A relationship with God will teach you sacrifice, devotion, commitment, faithfulness, discipline, forgiveness, understanding and expectation. When you see how God loves you, it will give you a manual on how you should love and be loved. If the person you have an interest in doesn’t love God, it will be impossible for them to be able to love you.

As I close this letter, I want you to know I ripped out the last pages of your books because they said, “Happily ever after.” While I want all of you to be happy forever, I don’t want you to be taken by surprise when life happens – bills will come, sickness may arrive; disagreements will take place and children will add stress. But if you love each other, remember there will be more mountains than valleys.

Always remember life isn’t a fairy tale; it’s a reality show!

Love,
Dad

Dr. Jamal-Harrison Bryant
Father of Four Daughters, Pastor of 8,000

Dear Sisters,

When did we forget we are queens? I see a lot of women being talked to, talked at and handled any kind of way, and it just pisses me off. Back in the day we were WOMEN! Our mere presence demanded respect and not a single word was even spoken! It was the way we carried ourselves, the way we dressed and the way we spoke to others. Our speech was soft, yet heard – gentle, yet firm. Now women are loud, sassy, dress however and allow men to treat them as objects to be tossed aside at their leisure. There’s no value in today’s woman, and we need to take our value back!

With Love,

Alesha Reneé
BET Host/Actress

Your roses mean something. Each bloom is significant, but together, the three specifically symbolize the words:
I love you.

Decoding Roses:

Always pleasant and always pretty, roses bring any home or office alive. Did you know that the amount of roses you receive bear significance? Allow me to explain:

1 Rose:
Love at first sight on date one. Later in the relationship it says, ‘I still love you.’ We can spend $50 to $70 on a dozen roses for sheer spectacle, but the ultimate gesture of devotion is a single rose.