Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (8 page)

The issue with pointing out racism is that it’s not always black and white. Sometimes it’s overt, other times it’s covert. It’s not always easy to prove, but it’s there. A gentlewoman stands for justice and always stands her ground. But be aware of any threats and pay attention to your surroundings. If you ever experience something beyond your jurisdiction, notify the proper authorities. Just don’t go taking the law into your own hands.

Rule n
°
73
Cooking:
Cooking can be viewed as a belittling domestic duty in the minds of some women. The thought of dishes, poultry and mitts might make some people jump over the moon and others mince out of the room!

Cooking isn’t a duty. Cooking is an action of affection. When my father cooks, he always says, “This was made with love.” And we all can taste it, too! Eating is a necessity, and someone has to cook the food. Sometimes it’ll be a man. Sometimes it’ll be a woman. Don’t look too deeply into it. The decision to prepare and throw food in an oven doesn’t make you any more or less of a woman. It doesn’t have to be
your thing
. Let’s hope you know how to make yourself a sandwich.

NOTE
: Many men love to eat well and therefore love a Lady who can cook well. Many women also love to eat good food and love a man who knows how to put meat in the oven–unless you’re a vegetarian. Then maybe he won’t mind going downtown to eat out…

Rule n
°
75
Know the difference between loyalty and stupidity
.
Too many women die a spiritual, emotional and even physical death in the name of
loyalty
. A lot of “ride or die chicks” are dead
.
Why are you expected to be strong, faithful and reliable to a broken man who’s the exact opposite to you? Being supportive is admirable, but be supportive with discernment and boundaries–especially if you’re just dating. Being
loyal
to a man generally doesn’t involve putting your life, family or destiny in danger. While
holding
your man down, don’t hold your future down in the process. Be loyal to your purpose. Be loyal to your God. Be loyal to yourself. There’s a thin line between being down for a man and being dumb for a man…watch your step!

To be “ride or die” is to have blind obedience. To truly be loyal is to be one of our biggest supporters when the world is against us, but set us straight when we’re wrong.

Rule n
°
77
Handshakes:
Brief, but firm is best for a professional arena. It shouldn’t hurt you, but it should wake you up. Give good eye contact and exchange momentary pleasantries. In more personal settings, this may be omitted altogether.

Rule n
°
79
Make us miss you sometimes.
Don’t go overboard, but when executed with precision, there’s power in this. Trust me.

Rule n
°
81
Be careful - a**holes wear suits, too.
Don’t be fooled into thinking well-tailored clothes make him a gentleman. Classic gangsters wore classic suits well, as well.

Rule n
°
83
Date people, not potential
.
If his potential doesn’t lead to his progress, then you’re just dating an idea. Don’t let potential blind you into thinking who he could be is who he is. Too many women are dating men with expired potential. If you’re succeeding in life and supporting him, and he’s forever and always
about to
do something, but never once has he done anything, it’s time to dispose of that unequal yoke. What good is a seed that has the potential to grow, but remains a seed? Undeveloped, undiscovered and misused gifts dishonor the Creator. Our gifts are His investments in us, and He deserves His return. But so do you!

Rule n
°
85
Be hospitable:
Always say, “Thank you.” It’s a simple sign of gratitude and praise. Don’t forget, “You’re welcome,” “Excuse me,” “Please,” “Hello” and “Goodbye.” Don’t ask, “How are you?” if you don’t want to know – only exchange genuine pleasantries.

Rule n
°
87
Don’t whisper in the company of others:
Secrets seem sinister and make the person who can’t hear feel isolated. Just text it!

Rule n
°
89
Art of the Apology
:
In polite society, an apology is a useful tool and welcome gift. As an act of remorse for a mistake or misstatement, an apology is a sign of concern, respect and cultured behavior. There are, however, people who misuse apologies or employ apologies as a substitute for other behaviors. Simply put, these misuses are signs of immature or rude behavior. It’s important to beware and be wary of the apology. Here are the guidelines for apologies:

Only When Appropriate

Apologies are useful when a mistake or accident has occurred: stepping on someone’s toes, inadvertently cutting in line, dropping a cup, etc. The apology should be heartfelt, clear and direct. You may offer two thoughts of the following suggestion (but never three):

• I’m so sorry
  
• Will you please excuse/forgive me
  
• I apologize for the error
  

Turn to face the sufferer(s) of the accident and speak directly to them. An apology offered with your back to the person, or tossed off while you are walking away, is not an actual apology and can be interpreted as an insult.

Be Specific

Though it may lead to a fight,
“Forgive me for taking your man”
is preferable to
“Hey, sorry.”

And while she’s delighting in taking your man, go ahead and give her your shoes, too–she’ll be walking in them. It’s been said that if a woman
steals
your man, there’s no better revenge than letting her keep him.

Do Not Apologize When an Apology is Not Called For

Some people use an apology when they actually want to say something else. For example, if you cannot hear someone, you should say,
“Excuse me?”
not
“I’m sorry?”
An apology is a statement, not a question.

The Apology Should Fit the Gaffe

If you’ve called someone who is hard to look at, ugly—apologize once—quickly—and get on with life. If a man is physically unattractive, don’t refer to him as ugly–say, “He has a great personality.” If you’ve wrecked a friend’s car, the apology should be more substantial. In addition to offering to fix the vehicle, you might consider a note of regret and perhaps a free car wash. It’s important to align the apology with the magnitude of the gaffe.

The Apology Should Not Be More Substantial than the Gaffe

While it’s important to make amends, overly effusive, demonstrative and extravagant apologies will make the sufferer feel even worse. The victim of the gaffe will resent your effusiveness, suspecting that the apology was intended to relieve your guilt rather than to make them feel better. Remember, an apology is for the other person, not for you.
Empathy diminishes the distance between the accused and the victim.

For Small or Medium Blunders,
Apologize Once

A mistake is a mistake. One mistake gets one apology. If you repeatedly apologize for a single mistake, the sufferer will construe that you are insincere or worse. No need to apologize endlessly over a minor infraction. You’ll be, in the vernacular, a pain in the ass. You’re not really apologizing as much as you’re going through some insecure psychological episode. Go away!

An Apology Is a Bridge, Not a Destination

In polite behavior, an apology allows you to rise above an error, mistake or blunder. Once you’ve crossed that bridge, put it behind you and the sufferer. Don’t wallow in the moment any longer than comfort and decorum permits. It’s over.

Rule n
°
91
Forgiveness
:
Death probably feels better than betrayal. The sharp sensation of having your heart seized, torn and discarded is one of the most severe of human emotions. At least when you die, there’s no residual feeling of death. It’s just poof, and you’re gone! But when you’re emotionally beaten to a bloody pulp while conscious, forgiveness sounds like a foreign language.

Let’s not confuse things – forgiveness doesn’t restore trust, but it’s an opportunity to rebuild it. It’s not about wiping away consequences; it’s about creating possibilities. We were created to love. What’s the purpose of a heart if it doesn’t love? What’s the purpose of life without a heart? Sometimes you have to accept apologies you never received. Forgive without residual anger.

Many of you are more forgiving than we are. But sometimes the most difficult person to forgive is you. God has already forgiven you – it’s about time you do the same for yourself.

Rule n
°
93
Business and Pleasure:
Climbing the ranks in business doesn’t require climbing into a man’s pants. You don’t have to make your neck hurt to network. You get to the top with your mind, not your mouth!

Rule n
°
95
Learn something new every three months:
Challenge yourself to get beyond yourself. When you make a commitment to growth, your life will feel enriched in areas unimagined.

Rule n
°
97
Pray:
It changes the things that people can’t change.

Rule n
°
99
Eat alone
:
Life isn’t about waiting for moments to happen. You don’t have to wait for a date to eat well or wait for marriage to start living. Catch a decent movie, a good meal and some nice wine–alone. Sometimes you have to pick your own flowers. Never wait for anyone else to love you before you do.

Instead, be too preoccupied with loving yourself to be simply swayed by some simpleton’s swagger. A woman who knows how to enjoy her own company is a damn attractive woman.

It’s no wonder “me” comes before “men” in the dictionary. In order to secure the latter, you must first secure the aforementioned.

Rule n
°
101
Forget the rules
. Sometimes some rules must be broken. If you’ve found someone who loves you like crazy and you love that person like crazy, be crazy in love. Make it work!

Tact: “It is tact that is golden, not silence
.”
-Samuel Butler

Tact is the art of knowing when to shut up. It’s an art. It’s a calculated awareness and sensitivity to others and your environment. People without tact have bad taste. They justify tactlessness with
keeping it real
. Keeping it real is respected, but having tact is admirable. Tell the truth in a way that doesn’t set out to offend. Tact is placing “Pleasantries” at the end of a harsh statement to soften the blow. Keep it classy or keep it to yourself.

Tipping Tips:
If you can afford to enjoy life’s little luxuries, you can afford to tip. Knowing whom to tip and how much can be an issue. Think of it like this: People who do services for you that you’re capable of doing yourself likely fit the description of who you should give gratuity to. Here a just a few examples:

• Hairstylist:
  20 percent is average. In the past, salon owners refused customer tips. But today, owners who provide services should be tipped. However, the owner may refuse tips out of consideration for employees who make a lower salary. If several people are working on your hair, they might all expect gratuity. Let the owner know your preference before arrival so you’re not penny-pinched.
  
• Spa/Massage Therapist:
  15-20 percent.
  
• Pet Groomer:
  15-20 percent for appreciation, 30 percent if they went the extra mile, or simply whatever you can afford.
  
• Restaurant Servers:
  15-20 percent depending on the style of restaurant (tip may already be included at high-end venues – you’re not obligated to add extra, but if the service is outstanding, feel free).
  
• Bartender:
  10-15 percent of the total tab.
  
• Bottle/Table Service at Nightclub:
  20 percent is standard (usually already included).
  
• Doorman/Concierge:
  $5-$20 is customary. Anything more is extra.
  
• Car Service/Taxi:
  15-20 percent and then round up
  
• Valet:
  20 percent of parking fee for good service; a bit more for excellent service. If valet is free, feel free to tip more.