Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (4 page)

“
We are better off when women are empowered – it leads to a better society.
”
–John Legend

Gentlewomen, we thirst for you. We want you. We need you back. Regardless of any negative behavior suggesting the alternative, we admire you. Forgive us for ignoring your strength and not acknowledging your greatness. Excuse us for acting like realtors and viewing you as property.

You’re beyond brilliant. We take delight in your ability to progress, but we don’t want to be replaced by big degrees and little dogs. I encourage you to turn this war on women into war for women. Fight for equal rights, equal pay and equal respect. We’ll join you in battle. But refrain from fighting each other in the process. Don’t fall for the rhetoric you’re supposed to be at odds with each other. Stand united with your fellow Lady. And you don’t have to hate us to be for the cause. Learn to love your fellow man and you can count on us to love you. It’s not Venus versus Mars – it’s Venus with Mars. You shouldn’t have to live this beautiful life without us, and we can’t exist without you. It’s not the way God intended it. We need each other to survive. Respecting each other is one of the first steps toward having a better world.

Furthermore, when has adversity kept a Lady down? It takes far more strength to maintain a gentle spirit amidst misfortune than it takes to surrender to anger. From the time a woman wakes up until the time she comes home, she deals with far more than most men would ever be able to handle properly. It fails to show on her face, but four persistent guys who think “no” means “yes” tried to talk to her on the way to work, and three more on her lunch break. Not to mention, she could’ve possibly dealt with a sexually inappropriate boss when she got there. A gentlewoman’s toughness isn’t expressed through a distressed forehead and a frown – it’s intricately displayed via high heels, flats or sneakers on bruised toes, carrying the weight of humanity on her hips. Your resilience is brilliance. You’re built to endure pregnancies, cramps and us. That doesn’t just deserve a round of applause. That deserves a holiday!

Don’t believe the great lie. You don’t have to be Ladylike to command respect; you just have to be born. Your worth was determined the moment you were birthed. Your soul is legendary. A man’s opinion alone should never change who you are – your own conviction should. Your personal thirst for knowledge is the reason you’re still turning these pages.

It’s never too late to be a Lady.

Take your crown back.

“There is hope for that race or nation that respects its women.”
-Sutton E. Griggs, Imperium in Imperio

Question the masculinity of a man threatened by a woman’s femininity.

Kingdom Come

Kingdom Come:
Restoration

They’re deceived. They’re calling wrong right and right wrong.

Mostly, they wanted to be loved. They wanted to be heard and understood. They wanted to be included and express their true selves without limitations. They wanted to matter. But you wouldn’t let them. No! You restricted them and called them names. You tried to control them. They asked you to stop. They asked nicely, but you ignored it. They knocked on your doors, but you didn’t answer. They cried out upon deaf ears. They filled up streets and city blocks, and they marched until finally they said forget it! They snatched their rights and it was beautiful. They tasted freedom until their stomachs swelled. They consumed so much that they became drunk. Some were lawless. Others were lawyers. Some became a threat to the system that enslaved them. Others became a threat to themselves. A lot gained, but much lost. Lord, help us. Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done.

You can’t put a Band-Aid on a tumor and expect it to go away. Society is sick. It’s time to stop self-medicating and masking the pain with the wrong solutions. We can’t keep disregarding societal issues hoping they’ll just go away, or leave them up to someone else to fix. Quit saying it’s not your problem. That’s the problem. It is your problem. These issues are collectively our issues. If you don’t take personal responsibility, then you can take personal blame. Regardless of class, race, sex or religion, we’re all a part of the bigger picture. We’re in this thing together.

We live in an era of reduced sensitivity. Some folks think thoughtfulness is something somewhere in their grandma’s jewelry box. They think chivalry is fancy silverware. Every day we face unsettling humans with ill attitudes; lack of manners, sense of entitlement and people who believe etiquette is irrelevant in our lifetime. Too many times, we react to life’s confrontations negatively and end up missing the beauty in moments meant for us. Society is sick.
Gentlewoman
is half of the cure. The other half is up to you.

The truth won’t hurt you–it’ll heal you.

You’re a Girl by birth, a Woman by maturity and a Lady by choice

Politeness is considered offensive. Some women call it degrading to have a door held open for them by a man. Simple smiles are seen as disingenuous. A compliment is desperation. They’re calling chivalry
thirst
now.

CHIVALRY
≠
THIRST

THIRST /THərst/ noun:
A relentless and unhealthy desire of needing something or someone to the degree of embarrassment. Thirst has a detestable scent no perfume can mask, and no shower can rinse. Thirst causes a dinner date to look like a rehearsal dinner. Thirst is unmistakable.

Chivalry is the most basic form of respect. It’s a gesture that’s authentic and has no ulterior motives. It’s a gesture that says, “I acknowledge your presence.” It’s a gesture that says, “I know three guys tried to talk to you on the way to work. I don’t want your phone number. I just want to say good morning to brighten up your day.” It’s not overbearing. It doesn’t expect anything. It should make you feel appreciated and valued. Chivalry comes from a pure and honest place, and it desires nothing in return. You can say thank you.

YOUR MANNERS WILL REVEAL YOUR CHARACTER

Etiquette is a social contract that far too many violate and refuse to sign. While powerful women are busy running for president, men are frantically running from powerful women. The complex and often beautiful intricacies of a Lady are being devalued and degraded. It’s tragic that a woman’s femininity coupled with tenacity sparks confusion. Some men don’t know how to accept nor deal with a woman’s worth and prestige. You’re called derogatory names in order to regulate your gender. It’s an easy out. The use of colorful phrases helps the insecure to look past their shortcomings, inflating a deflated ego with a false sense of dominance and control. If it weren’t for the tenacity of a woman, we would cease to exist. Women are the mothers of creation. How can man maneuver through life without the power of a woman? A world minus the X chromosome is the death of mankind. We have to decrease the gap in gender and simply view each other as human beings.

Etiquette is an often misspelled, difficult-to-pronounce and intimidating word. It sounds like doves should fly and violins play every time you say it. Etiquette doesn’t seem relatable. Popular culture suggests it’s stuck in an era where only knights and queens dwell. Only the Buckingham Palace people still use it, right?

Wrong. Don’t let high society fool you. Etiquette is the relief of your back on a New York subway because a gentleman gave up his seat for you to sit down. On a brisk day, etiquette is the comforting taste of a venti/nonfat milk/4-pump/sugar-free/skinny cinnamon dolce latte pre-purchased by the stranger at the front of the coffee shop line. It’s lifting a burden from society by doing your part to contribute positively to it. Etiquette is simply polite behavior.

BE CAREFUL HOW YOU PORTRAY YOURSELF – OTHERS MIGHT BELIEVE YOU

This doesn’t mean adjust your life for the world’s convenience. You’re not interested in simply being a people pleaser because you too, matter. Overly-caring what everyone thinks is the perfect way to live a meaningless life, but let’s face it, not caring for yourself and others isn’t living at all.

“Instead of putting others in their place, put yourself in their place.”
-Amish Proverb

This philosophy is so vital that the best-selling book of all time commands us to love thy neighbor as thyself in Matthew 22:39. It’s the golden rule:
One should treat others as one would treat oneself.
This same concept appears in the world’s major religions including Hinduism, Buddhism and Islam. It’s how several cultures resolve conflict. It’s what the basis of
Gentlewoman
is about.

My wife made me revisit the golden rule when she found me drinking lemonade from the container. “Now, if you caught me drinking from the bottle, you’d be upset,” she said. She was right. It’s a pet peeve of mine. My excuse was I did it because I knew it wouldn’t bother her. Is this a double standard? Maybe. But it’s not necessarily a bad double standard because she doesn’t care if I do it. It doesn’t bother her. Let’s revisit the golden rule of treating people like we want to be treated. The reality is this rule suggests everyone shares the same likes and dislikes. In reality, things don’t excite or bother everyone in the same manner. The golden rule needs a bit of a tweak: Treat people
better
than you’d like to be treated. This will ensure you treat them right despite your biased personal preferences.

An added bonus is polite behavior has a reciprocal effect. Some people call it karma. I call it the principle of reaping and sowing. We’re all walking seeds and what we say, do, think and how we treat others is all coming back to us–all of it. When we take the golden rule a step further and do unto others
better
than we would have them do unto us, we create a space for reaping to be stored up for stormy days.

Behave as if your parents raised you correctly... even if they didn’t

The way you were raised is no longer an excuse. “Daddy wasn’t there, and mother tried her best” is no longer valid reasoning. Eventually, there will be an external manifestation of an internal problem. You’re going to stumble, but the more you rely on an unnecessary
crutch
, the more you forget that you can actually
walk
. When does your story move beyond your excuse? When does your test become your testimony? The only difference between a successful and unsuccessful woman is one got back up.

A Lady should express her identity through her own point of view and not in relation to what men think about her. Human value isn’t in the hands of people and worth is determined the moment one is born. However, it’s important for a Lady to possess an awareness of how she’s generally perceived. “Why is this important,” you might ask? “How does this benefit me? Why should I care what some guy or anyone thinks about me, for that matter?”

Gentlewoman
is worthy of you giving a damn because it contains insight from unbiased and outside minds, not because a man wrote it. Whether right or wrong, you will be thought of and remembered from the perspective of others. Your behavior is your billboard. You can be a phenomenal being, but if your behavior commonly suggests something different, the world will believe what they see. People care about the opinions of the people they care about. If you maintain an “I don’t give a damn” attitude, you potentially forfeit life connections that matter.

THE BAD NEWS IS THAT THE WORLD’S STANDARD OF RIGHT AND WRONG KEEPS ON CHANGING. THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT GOD’S STANDARD NEVER CHANGES.

What is a gentlewoman? Why would you want to be one? She’s a contemporary Lady–one who adheres to a moral standard of living. She’s well-dressed, well-spoken, well-traveled and well-read. And she’s beautiful. It’s OK to be beautiful. Accept it. Downplay it for no one. But understand what beauty is at its core. Beauty is the expression of your soul. Gentlewoman doesn’t mean weak Lady. Her strength is in her calm demeanor. She’s naturally cool, although it’s no goal of hers to be. A gentlewoman is the Lady at an art show who discusses a mural with an admirer while not immediately giving away that she is the painter of the piece – she’s humble. A gentlewoman is the Lady crossing the street turning heads with each stride – she’s in vogue. A gentlewoman is seen on national news networks discussing complex and stimulating ideas one minute, and sitting courtside at an NBA game the next – she’s balanced like that. A gentlewoman knows how to hold her wine glass properly by the stem, but doesn’t give a damn if it spills – she’s not perfect. You’d want to become her because a gentlewoman understands exactly who she is and makes no apology for it. She waits for the world to catch up.