For Goodness Sex (27 page)

“No one is normal. No one. I mean it, no one. Yet people will still try to pretend they are all the same in every way. Everyone who does this is lying in some manner, and will be much happier when they find the self-confidence to stop.”

“Whether you hooked up with them, broke up with them, went out with them, or did anything else with them, remember their feelings matter too. Getting hurt sucks when it happens to you; don’t do it to them just to satisfy your pride. They’ll remember just like you do.”

“Just ’cause it’s available doesn’t mean you should do it! Pursue things that you actively want to pursue.”

“Don’t rely on the love of others to make yourself feel loved. Love yourself first.”

“Wear appropriate clothing. Don’t be trashy.”

“Keep an open mind, but know your own opinions. Be strong in who you are.”

“If you have anything holding you back from sex, don’t have sex. It should be something that stems from complete body and soul ‘Yes!’ ”

“Don’t be embarrassed to talk to people, friends, sweethearts, parents. The more you talk about anything and everything, the better you will be.”

“You don’t need to fit a label, whether that label is straight, gay, bisexual, artist, athlete, or anything else.”

“It’s not your body that determines how attracted people are to you. It’s how you feel about your body.”

“Pay attention to double standards.”

“Saying ‘no pressure’ and ‘no expectations’ often means the opposite.”

“It’s OK to have sex. You’re not a bad person if you do.”

“During high school people might try to make you feel as though you have to be in a relationship because that’s what’s ‘supposed to happen’ in high school. Just make sure you know: it’s OK to want to be or be in a committed relationship. It’s OK not to want to be in or not to be in a committed relationship. It’s OK to just be single.”

“Your first time having sex is never going to live up to the hype/buildup. Whether it’s awesome or uncomfortable, think of it as a learning experience rather than the most sexual act of your life.”

“Everything is easier when you communicate. No one can read your mind so you have to put what you want out there. Aside from that, the most important thing is listening. You can learn a lot by listening in all aspects of life, especially sex.”

“Your friends are going through the same things you are, probably have similar questions, so seek them out and seek out educators so you can become knowledgeable and help not only yourself but others as well.”

“You don’t need to be in a relationship to be cool. You don’t need to do anything sexual to be cool. If you can’t talk about what you want to do, don’t do it.”

“Don’t use sex to try to climb the social ladder.”

“It’s OK to be confused, to be complicated, to be scared, to make mistakes; it will all be OK, and it is most definitely OK to be you—whomever and whatever you are.”

Does this sound good to you? Do you wish your own child would say, or believe, or act according to these ideas? The good news is, they can, and they certainly don’t have to take my class.
You
can help facilitate the same changes in the young people who live under your roof. Give them the chance to talk without fear of being judged. Give them permission to ask questions, seek answers, make decisions, and make mistakes. Help them to filter out, or at least recognize, external expectations and hold those expectations up to what they’ve discovered to be their authentic selves. See, none of this is about being a sex expert or knowing everything there is to know about sex. It’s all about the relationship, the interaction, and the openness to say, “Let’s talk.”

Good luck.

Acknowledgments

I
’ll never write a book!” was my constant refrain whenever my friend Trish suggested it. Perhaps I was hesitant because I imagined writing a book to be a solitary process—just me, my thoughts, and a blank page. What could be more terrifying or daunting? What I’ve learned, though, is that writing a book, at least writing
this
book, has been a wonderfully communal experience. It does take a village, and I am grateful and honored to have shared this work with so many extraordinary people:

First and foremost, many thanks to Brooke Lea Foster for her invaluable assistance in preparing this book’s manuscript.

Thanks to Scott Waxman at Waxman Leavell Literary Agency, Gabrielle Sellei at Semanoff, Ormsby, Greenberg, and Torchia, and to Julie Will at HarperWave for believing in me and shepherding me through this process.

Thanks to Albert Angelo, Liza Ewen, Laurie Novo, and Jordan Taffet, who read early drafts of this manuscript and provided loving, helpful, and wise feedback.

Thanks to the Friends’ Central community: administrators, faculty, staff, and students who continually encouraged me, supported me, and celebrated my successes with me.

Thanks to the community of professional sexuality educators, especially the members of ASET (Advanced Sexuality Educators and Trainers) who have been my personal and professional mentors, colleagues, confidants, and friends.

Thanks to my family of choice, especially: Trish, Eric, Todd, Jeanmarie, Margaret, Jay, and Mr. Nelson, for sticking with me through thick and thin.

And finally, thanks to my dear husband, Michael, for . . . well, for everything.

This is my village. I love them one and all.

Index

The pagination of this electronic edition does not match the edition from which it was created. To locate a specific entry, please use your e-book reader’s search tools.

abortion, 29

abstinence

-based sex education, ix, x

-only sex education, ix, x

scientific inaccuracies in abstinence-based sex education, x

adolescents.
See also specific topics

anxiety about sex and, 160, 175–76, 188

average age for first intercourse, 190–91

awkwardness of, 85–86, 163, 176, 213

being in love and, 5, 8, 12, 90–91, 99–100, 138

body hair and, 172–73

body image problems of, 161–66

changing bodies of, 175

common reasons for being sexually active or not, 57–60

education for healthy sexuality, need for, xi

electronic communication and, 84–85, 207–30

gender roles and, 118–19

girls vs. boys, ninth grade and maturity, 6–7

insecurity and, 59, 117, 175

knowledge lacking about sexuality, 2

normal sexuality in, 10

percentage having sexual intercourse, 8, 67

puberty and emerging sexuality, 5–6, 7

public perception of, and sex, 4–5

romances as transitory, 96

same-gender sexual activity, percentage of teens, 191

search for identity and, 88

sex-negative views, impact of, xi

as sexual beings, xi, 10–12

surviving their first breakup, 89–96

value conflicts, common to, 26

Alan Guttmacher Institute, 8, 67, 190–91

anal sex, 21, 43, 45, 57, 58, 188, 189, 193

Angelo, Albert, 91

anxiety, 18

body image and, 162, 175

coming out and, 142

parental, talking about sex and, 5, 40, 61

parental, teenage friendships and, 80

sexual activity and, 60, 160, 175, 188, 193, 202

teenage, need to be electronically connected and, 84

arousal, 10, 38, 70, 183

pornography and, 232–33

asexuality, 137, 156

attraction, 7, 99, 135

awareness of another’s attraction to you, 17–18

“coming out” experiences and, 143–46

love and lack of, 100–101

sexual orientation and, 159–60

variations in intensity of, 98–99

Barbie (doll), 167

baseball model for sexuality, 49–57, 201

the “bases,” 51

being “in the game,” 52

“bench warmer,” 52

for condom, 52

decision for sexual activity determined by external factors, 53, 57

girls vs. boys in, 52

“hitting a home run,” 51–52

as homophobic, 54

importance of penis in, 158

as negative, 54

old enough for sex metaphor, 52

for penis, 52

“pitchers” or “catchers,” 52

“play for the other team,” 52

pornography encouraging the baseball model, 231

problems with metaphor as guide to behavior, 52–54

“scoring a run,” 51

as sexist, 54

“strike out,” 52

as supporting stereotypes, 57

“switch hitter,” 52

“virginity” in, 66–67

for vulva/vagina, 52

biphobia, 153

bisexuality, 134, 137, 189

“questioning,” 138–40

“Blurred Lines” (song), 29

body hair, 171–74

cultural preferences, 171

shaving or trimming pubic hair, 171–72, 228

body image, 29

average American woman vs. fashion models, 165–66

Barbie (doll) and, 167

basic body types (ectomorphs, mesomorphs, and endomorphs), 168–69

being fit and healthy vs. meeting societal standards, 169–70

body hair and, 171–74

Body Rating Exercise, 204–6

body shame and, 169

changing the way we think and, 163

children’s toys and body representation, 166–67

distorted by media, 6

eating disorders and, 163–64, 166

external factors influencing, 163

genitals (“junk”) and, 176–81

healthy, 7

improving, three ideas for, 168–71

levels of dissatisfaction and, 162–63

loving your body, importance of, 187

male action figures and, 167

male/female genitals and, 177–81

masturbation and, 181–87

media, culture, and epidemic of dissatisfaction, 164–66

penis size and, 177–78

percentage of girls in primary school who want to be thinner, 166

poor, as epidemic in the U.S., 163–64

self-perception vs. objective evaluation, 163

sexual activity and, 174–76

Sexuality and Society class, 161–63

sexualizing of children, 173

unhealthy weight control behaviors, 164

Body Rating Exercise, 204–6

Borgman, Jim, 84

“Born This Way” (song), 131

Boys Don’t Cry
(film), 153–54

breaking up, 89–96

dangers of Internet postings and, 95

evaluating what went wrong, 93–94

expression of sadness and grief, 89–90

model for surviving: eight stages of grief and healing, 92–96

parental response to teen’s feelings, 90–91

personal growth and, 94

breasts

body image and body expectations, 7, 204

male obsession with, 233–34

words for, 32

casual sex, 44–46.
See also
hookups/hooking up

Circles of Intimacy lesson, 218–20

commitment

friendships and, 75

healthy relationships, reliable commitment patterns and, 87

as intellectual aspect, 74

language and, 38

lack of, hooking up, 75

long- and short-term, 74, 76

love and, 73, 74

readiness for sex and, 15

relationships and, 156

romantic relationships and, 76

seeing somebody (having “a thing” with, hanging out with), 75–76

communication

answering the question “where do babies come from?,” 65

archaic sexual language, 38

baseball metaphors for sexuality, 49–57

body parts, naming, 36–37

childhood language about sex or body parts, 36–37

confirmation of answers to questions, 66

different languages of sexuality, 32–33

electronic, limitations of, 212–13, 216

“I message,” 17, 126

language choice and signaling acceptance of sexual orientation, 141

language for talking about sexual values, 33

medical or biological language about sexuality, 38–39

nongendered language, choices for, 140–41, 152, 155