For Goodness Sex (12 page)

I often tell kids that relationships don’t last forever, at least not when you’re in high school. While I acknowledge to them that their relationships are important, I remind them that they don’t have to go into them with the expectation that they’ll be with these persons for the rest of their lives. When kids stop thinking that their ninth-grade sweeties will someday meet them at the altar, some of the pressure of young love lifts. And while I’m not suggesting all sorts of experimentation at a young age, I do want my students to know that it’s OK to try out different relationships and get to know different kinds of people. It’s not until they’ve lived through a few breakups and makeups that they’ll begin to learn what kind of relationship is best for them.

Question Box

Q: I want to have a relationship with someone, but I don’t know how to talk to them or “put myself out there.” Do you have any tips?

A:
The first thing I’d say is, don’t go into an interaction with the purpose of getting into a relationship. That puts a ton of pressure on everyone involved. Start by just trying to make a casual, honest connection with the person. Strike up a conversation about something you like and feel comfortable talking about. Ask them questions about themselves. The more “chill” you can be, the more natural the interaction will be, and the better the groundwork will be laid for something more to develop. Relationships that evolve are a lot less stressful and more successful than those we try to force into existence.

Sweetheart relationships should be based on honesty, so don’t play games with people. Say what you feel and mean what you say. If you like someone, tell them. That may seem scary, but it’s the best way to get an honest reaction in response.

Q: Is it unhealthy to
not
have a romantic relationship until after high school, or should you just jump into it and then see how it all goes?

A:
It’s perfectly healthy to go through high school without having a romantic relationship—or any kind of sexual relationship, for that matter. What would be unhealthy is forcing yourself to do it because of some idea that you “should.” Some people just don’t want or feel ready for a relationship while in high school. That’s perfectly fine. I would say it’s important to examine your values, stay open to all the possibilities, and see what happens. You may not be ready now, but there’s a lot of high school left. You might feel differently in a year or so, and you might not. Either way is fine.

Q: I haven’t had my first kiss yet. Is this a problem?

A:
No problem at all! There’s no “right” age to have a first kiss. It can happen at any age. If it hasn’t happened for you yet, then it hasn’t happened.

I imagine you might feel pressure to have that first kiss, but don’t do it just for the sake of doing it (or just to get it over with). You deserve to have it with someone you really
want 
to kiss. And when you find that person, be sure to let them know that you’ve selected them to share your first kiss—that’s an honor! If they don’t treat it like the amazing gift it is, then they don’t deserve to be your first kiss.

I know there’s someone out there who would feel really special to be part of your first kiss. That’s who you deserve!

Q: Is it normal to be in love with someone and be very attracted to them but some weeks not feel nearly as attracted and as desperate to talk to them, etc?

A:
What you’re describing is absolutely normal! Relationships with sweethearts don’t exist in a vacuum; they are constantly being influenced and affected by things happening to us and around us. On any given day, our emotional state—whether we’re tired or stressed or upset with a family member—can affect how attracted we feel to our sweethearts. If our sweetheart is feeling stressed or sick or grumpy, that can affect how much we feel attracted to him or her as well. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that we’re always attracted to our sweetheart the same amount all the time. We’re all human; we don’t stay in any emotional state for very long, so we shouldn’t put the expectation on ourselves that we always need to be completely “into” our sweethearts.

By the way, I noticed at the end of your question you say, “not as desperate to talk to them.” I’m not sure if you used the word
desperate
deliberately, but desperation isn’t what relationships should be about. Of course we miss our sweeties when we don’t see or talk to them, but if we have come to depend on our sweetheart or our relationship to make us feel like a complete person, that’s not healthy. Remember, you’re two individual people in a relationship, not a relationship of two combined people.

Q: I think I may be in love with two people. Is that possible or just my brain tricking me?

A:
First let’s talk about the difference between attraction, infatuation, lust, and love.

Attraction is that initial spark that draws us to someone. It’s the thing that makes us take a second look. When we are attracted to someone we want to look at them and be around them. Attraction doesn’t really depend on knowing them or even talking to them. It’s something in us that gets triggered.

Infatuation is having a strong interest in someone. It’s thinking about that person a lot (both in sexual and nonsexual ways). It’s getting to know a lot about her or him, either directly or from friends, Facebook page, or whatever. Infatuation often feels like love, but it’s almost always one-sided. We are infatuated with someone but, sadly, they’re rarely infatuated with us.

Lust is just a physical and sexual attraction. We lust for people whom we want to be with sexually. We don’t often think about them as whole people—that can even ruin the lust.

Dr. Ken George, who was one of my graduate school teachers, created one of the best definitions of love I know. He defines love as “best friend + sexual desire.”

Given that definition of love, I’d say it’s pretty hard to be truly in love with more than one person at a time. We can certainly be attracted to, infatuated with, and even lust for many people at the same time. We can have connections that are intimate and passionate with different people to different degrees, but I think love is pretty special and doesn’t usually happen for more than one person at a time.

Now, I do believe people your age can be in love. I don’t think it’s exactly the same kind of love that you’ll be in when you’re in your twenties or thirties, but I do believe love between young people is real and powerful. If you are in love with someone, you want to commit fully to that person. Being in love with two people means being fully committed to two people, which seems like a contradiction to me. I’d suggest looking at your feelings again and seeing if you can’t figure out what else might be going on here.

Q: Is it possible to be in love with someone and yet have no sexual attraction to them whatsoever? There is someone I think I am in love with. I think about them every second of every day, I live for the time I spend with them, and I would give absolutely anything for them to be happy. Despite such strong feelings, I have no sexual attraction to this person whatsoever. I just don’t understand my feelings and am incredibly frustrated!

A:
I can understand how frustrating this must feel. I’m glad you asked this question.

There are many different kinds of love—not all of them are sexual. Perhaps what you feel is a deep sense of caring for this person. Is this person destined to be your best friend rather than your sweetheart?

Here’s another idea. Perhaps you admire this person so much that you find yourself obsessively thinking about them, but it’s more that you want to be 
like
 them rather than be 
with 
them.

Another possibility is that you think so highly of this person that you can’t imagine him or her being sexual with anybody. Sometimes we put people on such a high pedestal that we can’t imagine them doing something as potentially messy as sex—or we can’t imagine that they could possibly want to have sex with us, so we bury any sexual attraction we may feel for them.

Sexual attraction isn’t something we can make happen. It’s not as if you can make yourself feel something for someone else if you try hard enough. It sounds as though you think you 
should
 feel sexual attraction for this person. Maybe all that pressure is blocking it from happening.

I’m sorry I can’t say for certain what’s happening, but I hope you’ll consider some of the ideas here.

Chapter 5
Gender Myths: Helping Kids Step Outside New and Old Gender Stereotypes

A
fter the last few stragglers have stumbled into class, I say, “Have I got a story for you this morning!” This is greeted by a chorus of chatter, including:

“Oh, I get nervous when you say that, Mr. V.”

“Is it sexy?”

“Do we need to take notes on it, or can we just listen?”

“I was
hoping
there’d be a story today!”

“No notes; this is more of a guided meditation,” I say. “All you need to do is close your eyes, if you’re so inclined, and listen. We’ll talk about the story a bit afterward. As I tell the story, try to put yourself in the place of the main character. What would you be thinking and feeling as the story unfolds? OK, here we go.

“You’re making your way through a typical day at school, moving from class to class and eagerly awaiting lunch. As you finally stroll into the cafeteria and sidle up to your friends at your usual table, you realize that something is amiss. You check and, to your surprise and amazement, you find that your genitals are missing! Yes, your penis and scrotum or your vulva aren’t there! You know they were there this morning when you got to school. But sometime between first period and lunch, they just fell off somewhere.”

At this point the room erupts in laughter and chatter and (mostly) fake screams of horror.

“But,” I continue, trying to quiet the din, “you don’t panic because you are a smart, sexy, savvy student in the Sexuality and Society class. You know what to do. You eat a quick lunch and then make your way to the school’s Office of Lost and Missing Genitals.”

More laughter breaks out in the room. Some kids quip about not waiting to have lunch first; others say it depends on what’s on the menu. Some look to their friends for reassurance that genitals don’t really just fall off, and that our school doesn’t actually have an Office of Lost and Missing Genitals.

“You arrive at the office and are greeted by the nice lady sitting behind her desk knitting. You mumble that you’ve lost something and ask if any genitals have been turned in today.

“She smiles and chuckles a bit. ‘Oh my yes,’ she says. ‘It’s been a big day for lost genitals! Just go in the back, dear, and see if yours are there.’

“You wander into the back room and are greeted by walls lined with steel gray shelving. On the shelves are all manner of genitals that people have lost. All you have to do is pick up your own and you’re good to go.”

I pause a little and let the scenario sink in a bit, and then continue. “So here’s the important question: How likely are you to be able to pick out your own genitals?”

Where you might expect more noise in the class, there’s usually just a bit of stunned silence. It’s typical that a boy breaks it.

“Duh!” says a tall boy who is filled with self-confidence. “That’s easy. I’d just call it by its name and it would leap into my waiting arms.” Yes, lots of teenage (and adult) men name their penises. A few other boys join in and agree; each is 100 percent certain he could find his penis on the shelf. Some other boys are quieter, which is OK and actually instructive to the boys who are laughing.

I then turn my attention to the girls. “What about you all?”

There is little to no laughter when they speak. Most confess that they wouldn’t have any idea which vulva is theirs. Many say that they’ve never seen their own vulva. The few who think they can pick out their own don’t seem very proud of that. I point out how much the energy level in the room has shifted. The boys stare in disbelief. Most can’t imagine not knowing what their genitals look like.

“For people who are sexually active with a sweetheart,” I ask, “how would you do, picking out their genitals from the shelf?” The tables turn a bit as some of the heterosexual girls say they could pretty confidently pick out their boyfriend’s penis; however, few of the heterosexual boys think they would know their sweetheart’s vulva. Only a few times have kids who are gay or lesbian spoken up, but they tend to feel more confident about being able to pick out their own or their sweetheart’s genitals.

As I process this activity with the students, they make a lot of important points. Penises are more public; men look at and touch them when they urinate and masturbate. Society is pretty quiet about vulvas. Women aren’t encouraged to know their vulvas or be proud of them. Many women get negative messages about their vulvas, that they’re unclean or ugly. Rather than appreciate the unique beauty and variety of vulvas, there’s a trend today for women to undergo plastic surgery on their labia to make them “look right.” And so our unit on gender begins.

Many sexuality education classes, including mine, teach lessons on reproductive anatomy and physiology. When done poorly, these lessons amount to little more than labeling diagrams of the male and female reproductive systems, and maybe doing a cursory review of the menstrual cycle and pregnancy. When talking to kids, I try to avoid the language “reproductive systems” or “reproductive anatomy.” Not only does it sound too clinical for a conversation with teens, but it leaves out a big part of what your sexual anatomy is there for. I always call them the “sexual and reproductive systems,” and discuss not only their reproductive capabilities, but also their capacities for pleasure, intimate connection, and self-discovery.

As soon as sperm meets egg, we have a biological blueprint for our gender. We’re also assigned a gender at birth, typically male or female, even though, as we’ll see, those are only two of quite a number of possibilities. Assigned birth gender gets announced and reinforced via the blue and pink receiving blankets parents swaddle their babies in at the hospital, and it continues through childhood and long into adulthood, as girls are encouraged to cry, craft, and play with dolls while boys are encouraged to be tough and are given balls, trucks, and trains. I’m dramatically oversimplifying here, but you get the point: gender is one of the most important lenses we use to make sense of our world. It influences the television shows that our children watch, the music they listen to, the activities and sports in which they participate, the friends they have, and even how they think about their bodies.