For Goodness Sex (8 page)

Now here’s an interesting assumption that you may have about your teenager’s sexuality: They’re not supposed to feel pleasure. It can be scary to deviate from the baseball model for many parents, because otherwise they have to face the fact that their child may disrobe and seek sexual pleasure with another person. Remember when I mentioned in previous chapters that sex needs to be presented as a necessary and normal part of life? That means acknowledging that our children are sexual beings, that other people will be attracted to them, and that they will have feelings of attraction toward others. I know the thought of your child having sex may make you skittish. But don’t even go that far. Let’s begin by thinking about all of the other things that kids tend to do first: hold hands, make out, slow-dance. They’re OK, right? Let’s start there. Now jump ahead to when your child is in his or her twenties. Many parents tell me that they want their kids to fall in love, get married, and have children of their own someday. But someday doesn’t just happen. There’s a journey to get there, and it starts today. So how do we help young people take those first steps today? We talk to them about it. How do you do
that
? Here are a few ideas:

1. Don’t talk about sex—yet.
This may seem counterintuitive, but there are so many conversations you can have about sex without actually talking about naked bodies or intercourse. Remember, you’re the person building the framework for their ideas about healthy sexuality. Talk about communication styles. Talk about love. Talk about news stories that relate to views on gender or sexual orientation. Remember, our sexuality is more than our genitals and what we do with them. To be able to get to those conversations, start with something broader, especially something that can give you an “in” to more direct conversations about sexual activity. The key is to start talking about
something
in a deliberate way.

2. Plan the talks, not the “Talk.”
Parents often think they have to sit down and have a formal talk about sex with their kids. Not so. As I discussed in the last chapter, those talks often backfire and can produce huge anxiety for everyone involved. Instead, think about having a conversation with your kids not in one long session, but in lots of small snippets. “Isn’t it nice that Gloria on
Modern Family
lets her son, Manny, express his feminine side as well as his masculine side?” “Don’t you think this ad of the woman in a bikini is ridiculous? Who’d want their boobs hanging out like that?” “Isn’t it crazy how people fall in love on TV in ten minutes?” These kinds of ongoing interactions really give kids insight into their parents’ values around sexuality without feeling as though they’re being lectured. Also, your kids feel more connected to you when they realize that their parents think about some of the same things that
they
talk about with their friends. Just as you might have a hard time thinking about your child as a sexual being, believe me, your teenager has
no
interest in thinking about you as a sexual being either! But these kinds of casual remarks help them to see that you are, and you’ll get a spark of recognition.

3. Try and try again.
Many kids shut down their parents when they start to talk about sex, and eventually they just stop trying. Don’t. Your children want to hear what you have to say, even if they act as though they’re being tortured. Think of it like fishing. You’re going to cast a whole lot of lines, patiently, before you get a nibble. Cast into the waters without expecting a response. When it’s time to have bigger conversations, you’ll both be ready and comfortable. And when you incorporate sexuality into your day-to-day conversations, you’re sending an important message—that sex is a normal part of our existence. You’re providing a healthy model for your kids’ thoughts about sex.

4. Broadcast your feelings.
I remember when I was younger and was watching a TV show with my mother. There was a gay character on the show, and I felt an affinity toward him. As we watched, I wanted one of my parents to say something, anything, about this character because it would help me place him in the larger world. “He’s funny.” “He’s disgusting.” “Oh, that poor man.” But they said nothing, and the silence sent a huge message. If you’re watching TV with your kids and there’s a scene where a same-gender couple is expressing affection toward each other, you might say out loud: “Isn’t that sweet?” or “Gee, they really seem happy together.” Or whatever fits your own value set. You’re giving your child context in which to place two gay characters. The same is true if a couple is heterosexual. If a couple is about to have sex on screen, don’t get up and fill your water glass or suddenly stop speaking. Instead, give your children some idea of how you feel about it. “That’s kind of an intense reaction to bringing donuts home, isn’t it?” “I wouldn’t want to hop into bed with somebody I just met.” “Isn’t he married to someone else?”

5. It’s never too soon to start talking and keep talking.
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to begin talking to your children about sexuality at a young age. And no age is too young. When preschool children play with their genitals, how you respond matters. When your third-grade daughter is called “flat,” what you say can frame the way she thinks about her body and her sexuality. When your kids are looking at toy catalogs that divide the world strictly into boys’ and girls’ sections, will you affirm or challenge that notion? These are all conversations about sexuality, and it’s important to take advantage of these moments so that your kids feel comfortable talking to you about sexuality as they grow older.

Infants, toddlers, and young children are naturally curious about their bodies and about the differences between theirs and others’ bodies. Conversations with young children about sexuality and bodies can begin the moment they notice their genitals. In these early years, it’s important to be upfront and open about what their body parts are and what they do. The most important things to remember when talking with young children are to take your cue from them, be sure you know what they’re asking, and answer the question in as matter-of-fact a way as you can. Remember, when little ones don’t know how to react to a situation, they look to you for clues. If you’re upset, they’re upset. If you seem scared, they’ll feel fear. The more relaxed and comfortable you are, the more normal and healthy sexuality will seem to them. So for example, if it’s your practice during bath time to name body parts as you wash them, don’t make the genitals any different. “Now I’m washing your arm and your hand and your fingers. Now I’m washing your chest. Now I’m washing your vulva.”

Let’s look at a more extreme example—when you are the focus of sexuality. Let’s say your seven-year-old walks into the bathroom while you’re changing a tampon. What do you do? Again, take your cue from the child, who may think you’re hurt. Many children would naturally associate blood with injury. You might just need to reassure them that mommy’s fine. If the child asks what the tampon is, say it’s a tampon and it’s something grown-up women use sometimes to help them stay clean and healthy. You can add that it’s not anything little children need to use. You don’t have to go into a detailed description of the menstrual cycle—your child isn’t asking you for that information.

Young children will explore their bodies naturally. It feels good to touch themselves, and it’s normal. It’s your job to help them understand when it’s appropriate to touch themselves (at home, in their bedroom, in the bath), and when it’s not. If you’re at the library and your daughter puts her hand down her pants, take her aside and explain why it’s something reserved for home. “Honey, we only touch our vulva in private places like at home or in the bathroom. The library isn’t a private place.” If a child is too young to understand the difference between private and public, then they’re too young to understand why you’re trying to make them stop doing something they find soothing and pleasurable. In that case you can try substituting something else that’s soothing and pleasurable. Treating bodies as shameful or secretive has negative effects on kids as they get older.

Many kids in elementary school will begin to wonder where babies come from. Obviously, all parents handle this question differently, but I suggest being open from the start. Rather than storks or doctors and nurses, try a G-rated version of the truth: “Mommies and daddies can bring their bodies together in a very special way to make a baby. It’s not something that people your age can do yet, but when you’re grown up you’ll be able to do it.” If you feel comfortable saying that making a baby entails daddy’s penis going into mommy’s vagina, that’s a perfectly appropriate message.

6. Be sure you know what question your child is actually asking.
I know a woman whose second-grader came into the kitchen and asked, “Mom, where did I come from?” Seizing the moment, Mom launched into a flurry of descriptions of birds, bees, seeds, and eggs. The youngster stared at her, puzzled, and said, “Oh, ’cause Amanda said she came from a hospital. Did I come from a hospital too?”

It turns out “Where did I come from” was really the logistical question “Where was I born?” Likewise, the question, “Can you get pregnant in a swimming pool?” might be a question about sex in public places, or about the spermicidal properties of chlorine, or a more general question about how pregnancy happens. Unless you take a moment to understand what question your child is really asking (which is tough to do if you become flustered), you might miss out on an opportunity to model healthy sexuality.

And once you understand the question, it’s important to answer it directly—no beating around the bush or offering vaguenesses. Kids know how much information they want from us and are easily frustrated when they get too little or too much. A casual question deserves a casual answer; a specific question deserves a specific answer. Once you’ve answered the primary question, try to keep the dialogue going by asking open-ended questions. I guarantee, the question “Do you understand?” will elicit only a monosyllabic grunt. But saying, “I’d like to know what you think about that” or “Tell me if I answered your entire question” might have better results.

Question Box

Q: What would be considered “virginity” in the baseball model? How about the pizza model?

A:
As with all questions about the term
virginity
, we should start by asking why the label
virgin
is important. What benefits and drawbacks come with that label? Are the benefits and drawbacks the same for men and women? We might see sexism again here, as virginity is often seen as a desirable quality in women but not in men. Why is that? Is that fair?

In the baseball model, virginity usually has the definition of not having had vaginal sexual intercourse.

In the pizza model there is no standard definition of virginity. It would depend what the couple defines as “having sex.” Remember, my definition for having sex is much broader—being involved with someone else’s body for the purpose of giving and receiving sexual pleasure.

What does your definition of virginity tell you, and why does that answer matter?

Q: How many ninth-graders (percent) have pizza?

A:
If by “pizza” you mean having vaginal intercourse, according to the Kaiser Family Foundation (a group that collects reliable data on sexual activity), about 6 percent of girls and 8 percent of boys have had intercourse by age fourteen. According to the Alan Guttmacher Institute (another organization that collects reliable data on sexual activity), by age fifteen, only 13 percent of teens have had intercourse. However, by the time they reach age nineteen, seven out of ten teens have engaged in sexual intercourse. As you can see, what we said in class is true—the vast majority of students have not had vaginal intercourse by the end of their ninth-grade year.

Q: Do vulvas smell?

A:
This is a very common question, but let’s start by fixing the language. Many times this question is worded as “Do vaginas smell?” That may be what you’re asking.

There is a myth out there that women’s vaginas and vulvas may have an unpleasant smell. It is true that a vagina is home to a whole host of bacteria and other organisms, but these are supposed to be there—they’re what make a vagina healthy! A healthy vagina or vulva will not have an unpleasant smell at all, but it will have a natural scent—just like all living things.

Here are a few other things to consider:

First, all human bodies smell, but not in a bad way! Our bodies are constantly secreting chemicals that give off odors. This is perfectly natural and normal; we’re not sterile creatures! Places on our body that have hair are especially good at capturing our natural scent—that’s one of the reasons we have hair where we do. Although humans do not have a very sensitive sense of smell, we do respond to those chemical signals that other people’s bodies give off.

Second, all our natural scents are different. We will be more attracted to some than to others.

Third, the scent we give off can be a sign of how healthy or unhealthy we are. People who have a poor diet high in fat, people who smoke, people who abuse alcohol or drugs, or people who otherwise don’t take good care of their bodies may have a scent to their skin and body fluids that is harsher, more acidic, and more bitter. People who have a healthy, balanced diet, who get regular exercise, who don’t smoke, drink, or take drugs will have a scent to their skin and body fluids that will range from mild to even somewhat sweet. So what you put into your body will be revealed one way or another.

Q: Why are hickeys pleasurable?

A:
I’m not sure from your question what kind of pleasure you’re talking about here, so I’ll answer as broadly as I can. Starting with what exactly a hickey is.

A hickey is basically a bruise that is made by prolonged sucking or biting of a part of another person’s body. Hickeys usually are found on the neck, but can be on any part of the body. And do you know what a bruise is? It results from breaking blood vessels on or near the surface of the skin. It’s actually a minor injury. Hickeys are usually not harmful, but they can take several days to heal as the blood vessels that were broken mend themselves and the blood that’s leaked out of them drains away. (Doesn’t sound quite so sexy now, does it?)