For Goodness Sex (22 page)

While few adolescents want to know anything about their parents’ sex lives today, it can be very helpful for parents to share lessons they learned from their early sexual experiences. Of course, not every parent is comfortable doing this, but for those who are, opening up to your kids about your first time can be incredibly helpful to them. Parents are often afraid that if they share details of their own adolescent sexual experience, that somehow it will translate into a permission slip to go have sex. Quite honestly, kids aren’t seeking your permission. You’re not opening the door; you’re guiding them through their innate sexual curiosity. Try one of these conversation starters: “One thing I wish I’d known my first time is . . .” or “My first time was great because . . .” or “My first time was awful because . . .” When you tell the story with the gift of perspective, you’re able to pass along some very powerful lessons to your kids. Kids learn well through storytelling. Here are some examples:

I felt rushed to do it the first time because all of my friends had done it, but I didn’t really like the person I did it with. I think it would have been better if I really liked him/her.

One thing I wish I’d known my first time was how awkward it was going to feel. The movies make it seem like it’s effortless, but it’s actually kinda clumsy. It’s easier if you’re willing to laugh at yourself.

My first time was great because we were so in love with each other. We’d been dating for a while and we’d talked about the fact that we were both ready.

My first time was awful because my parents walked in on us—and it was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

Look for the lesson in your early sexual experiences, and pass that along to your kids. Play up the part of your story that you want them to learn from most, and don’t be afraid to share vulnerable moments. Be prepared for follow-up questions and let them know that it’s OK to ask them.

“How Will I Know If I’m Ready?”

Kids love to ask this tricky question, and the answer, “If you aren’t sure, then don’t do it” is limited in its usefulness, because it doesn’t help kids figure out what it means to be sure. It’s also important to acknowledge how personal the answer to that question is; there’s no one right answer for everyone. If you want to use data in your answer, surveys by the Alan Guttmacher Institute indicate that about 16 percent of teens have had vaginal intercourse by age fifteen, but by graduation, about 60 percent have had vaginal intercourse.
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The average age at which most kids first have vaginal intercourse is seventeen; the summer between junior and senior year seems to be a popular time. In terms of same-gender sexual activity, the Guttmacher Institute states that 4 percent of males and 12 percent of females ages eighteen to nineteen report having had same-gender sexual activity. It’s also important to note that data is neither destiny nor instruction; they’re just numbers, which may apply in a particular person’s case or not. For me, the most important aspect of being ready is the ability to think beyond oneself. I always ask kids if they’re able to talk to their potential partners about having sex—that’s one big indicator of being ready, in my book. My rule for sexual activity—for kids, adults, senior citizens, whomever—is, “If you can’t look your partner in the eye and talk about it, you shouldn’t be doing it with them.” I know that’s not the way most of society operates, but remember, our society isn’t very healthy when it comes to sex. Another important question is, “Are you as concerned with the pleasure of your potential partner as you are with your own?” And another: “Are you as aware of and concerned about the potential consequences for your partner as you are of your own?” A lot of sexual activity is very selfish, and even in high school some kids just use one another for sexual pleasure. I tell my students that a healthy attitude toward sexual activity is: if I’m going to feel good, you should feel good, and if I’m getting positive consequences out of it, you should too.

“What If I’m Nervous?”

I’d suggest telling adolescents it’s natural to be nervous, that it would be strange if they
weren’t
nervous, because they’re thinking about doing something they’ve never done before. You might also help them distinguish between being nervous and being afraid. If they’re truly feeling afraid, then it’s time to go back and reconsider the plan. Fear can be a sign that something’s missing in the equation: Maybe the couple hasn’t adequately discussed contraception or safer sex? Maybe the time or place or person isn’t right? Being nervous is a natural reaction to approaching something we haven’t done before. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to do it. Think about riding a roller coaster. If you’re feeling nervous that it might be scary, you’ll probably stay in line. If you actually fear for your safety, you’re likely to bail. Being nervous is not necessarily a bad thing. It can make us more attentive and more deliberate—things that can be really helpful the first time a couple is sexual together.

I warn my students against using alcohol or drugs to curb nervousness before becoming sexually active. “If you can’t do it completely sober,” I impress upon my students, “then I don’t think you should do it at all!” They don’t like hearing this, but
I’ve
heard too many snippets of what happened at the latest high school party, and it’s clear that kids are not always making sexual decisions with a clear head. Another of my absolute “must haves” for healthy sexual activity is positive, active consent. This doesn’t just mean the absence of a no; it means the presence of a clear, active yes. When alcohol or other substances are involved, positive active consent becomes unlikely and perhaps impossible for both partners. I try hard to press the point that going to a party entails making a deliberate either/or choice: either the substances or the sexual activity but never both. My students
really
don’t like hearing that, but I keep saying it.

“Does It Hurt the First Time?” “Will I Bleed?”

I never mislead kids to think that their first time will be like the movies—it never is—and I also don’t make them think it will be awful. The truth, as always, is somewhere in the middle. Yes, there can be pain the first time a couple has penetrative sex. It’s a lot less likely if the couple goes slowly and pays attention to each other’s words and actions. This also means it’s essential to speak up if something hurts. If the partner being penetrated is feeling relaxed and ready emotionally, he or she will be less tense. If one is anxious or afraid, one’s body is going to be tense, muscles are going to be more clenched, and that can make it hurt more. Time, communication, and honesty are the keys to reducing pain during first sexual activity. Sometimes there is a little bleeding during first vaginal intercourse, especially if the hymen has been ruptured, or during anal intercourse, but the couple may not even notice. Penetrating too quickly or forcefully or not using enough lubrication can make intercourse painful and make bleeding more possible.

“What About My Hymen?”

This is a common question from girls. The hymen is a thin, natural skin membrane that may cover part or all of the vaginal opening. The first thing to establish is that not all women have hymens. Some are born without them, which is completely normal. A hymen can’t be used as proof of virginity because some women never had one to begin with. In eras when women were not expected to be physically active and before tampons were used during menstruation, women’s hymens often did break during their first experience of penetrative vaginal sex. When a hymen breaks in this way there can be a moment of sharp pain and some bleeding. Today, most girls born with hymens have broken them long before their first experience of intercourse. Anything from riding a bicycle to doing a cartwheel to exercising to inserting a tampon can cause a hymen to break. Most girls probably aren’t even aware of it when it happens this way. It is important for a woman to know whether or not she has a hymen when she is considering having penetrative vaginal sex for the first time. All you have to do is look at the vaginal opening to determine if one is there. If a hymen is present and a woman doesn’t want it to break during first intercourse, she can go to her gynecologist, who can easily and painlessly remove it or perforate it so it’s not a factor during sexual activity.

“How Far Is Too Far?”

This is where I go back to my pizza model I discussed at the beginning of the book. If a teenager’s goal is satisfaction, then not everyone has to have intercourse, or even an orgasm, for an encounter to be satisfying. Some people are completely happy with cuddling and kissing. Sometimes you just want to feel close to someone for a little while. The only way to know if something is far enough or too far is for there to be clear communication. I prefer verbal communication to nonverbal cues, which can be misinterpreted. Again, honesty is essential. Each partner is responsible for assessing his or her own level of comfort and desire and requesting that same information from the other person. My students often say they don’t want to hurt their partners’ feelings when something doesn’t feel good. But what they don’t know is that their partners would love feedback. Feedback during intimate moments is a good thing. Here’s another moment when I drum into my students’ brains the idea that “only positive, active consent counts as consent.” Saying nothing is not consent. Doing nothing is not consent. The best way to keep a sexual experience from going too far is to continually check in with each other and assess. Simple questions like, “Is this OK?” “Do you want to . . . ?” and “Can I . . . ?” can make a world of difference. Nonverbal communication can work, but it’s more open to misinterpretation, and clarity is key in consent. If an intimate moment does go further than intended, it’s essential to think about why and to learn from it. Did you find it difficult to speak your mind? Did you push your partner or yourself to do something because you felt pressure to do so from friends? “There’s no rule book about this stuff,” I’ll tell my kids. “The two of you are writing the rule book as the experience unfolds, especially the first time you’re sexually active with each other. It’s all a part of figuring out what feels right and what doesn’t, and that is empowering for both of you.”

In the classroom, I often go back to a silly analogy to help my students see what I mean. I tell them to picture themselves snuggling with their sweetheart when suddenly he or she begins to lick their eye. Profusely. It doesn’t feel remotely good. It’s actually pretty gross. You’re thinking,
OMG! Licking my eye? Ewwww!
“How long would you let that continue?” I ask, “and how would you make it stop?”

Someone will always offer, “I’d just say, ‘Stop licking my eye! I don’t like that.’ ”

“Exactly!” I say, and we all laugh at the thought of the scenario. “That’s a great example of a clear statement that says ‘too far.’ ” The command “Stop licking my eye!” sometimes becomes a refrain in class after that. Both the kids and I use it to put a stop to something that’s become annoying or unpleasant. “Mr. V, stop licking our eyes!” someone will shout when I drift off into a story I’ve told a hundred times before. “Enough with the eye licking!” I’ll call out when the students seem more interested in their cell phones than in our lesson.

Pregnancy and More: What Can Happen When You Have Sex?

M
ost of my students are pretty savvy about how someone gets pregnant. Many of my female students are on some form of birth control, either because they’ve asked their parents for it or because their parents have suggested it to them. According to the Guttmacher Institute’s research, 78 percent of females and 85 percent of males used contraceptives the first time they had sex. There are many reliable forms of contraception besides the birth control pill, and they don’t require daily attention. If you’re not someone who will remember or think it’s important to take a pill every morning, then another form of birth control is needed. The birth control patch needs to be changed only once a week; the vaginal ring, once every three weeks. One Depo-Provera injection is needed every three months; an IUD or Implanon (a small matchstick-size tube of birth control implanted under the skin of the upper arm) can work for years. It’s essential to talk with your teenage daughter and her doctor about birth control, even if she’s not yet sexually active. Birth control pills may also be used for other health purposes—such as regulating periods or lessening the severity of menstrual cramps.

Each method of birth control has its benefits and drawbacks, so it’s important to consider the full range of options and not just opt for the same method you or your daughter’s cousin or friend is using. Pregnancy is one of those spots where there
is
a rule book. If you consistently use reliable contraception, you can feel confident that you won’t get pregnant. Decisions about birth control can be made independently of the decision to have intercourse, which is why it’s helpful for parents to talk to their children about birth control options
before
they’re also trying to make a decision about engaging in intercourse. That way, the birth control decision is based on what’s best for the young woman, her body, and her life—and not the fastest and easiest option so that the sex can start. Of course, in a long-term relationship, partners should discuss birth control options together.

Beyond pregnancy, there are other discussions to have about protective behaviors during sexual activity. Sexually healthy people know how to protect their bodies from STDs. Make sure your kids are clear that no form of hormonal birth control will protect against sexually transmitted diseases like chlamydia, HPV, herpes, or any others on the standard STD list. I don’t think it’s useful to get out a chart of STDs with lots of gory pictures and scare your child silly about what they could catch. From years of experience, I can tell you it goes in one ear and out the other. What’s most helpful for teenagers is to tell them what they should look out for on their own bodies. If you know your body and you’ve looked at it enough, you’ll know when something out of the ordinary appears on it, like a sore, a lesion, or an unfamiliar discharge. It’s also important to know which STDs are bacterial (and therefore curable), which are viral (and therefore incurable), which are transmittable through oral sex or skin-to-skin contact, and which STDs condoms may not be effective in preventing. Being knowledgeable about Gardasil, the vaccine that prevents the strains of HPV (human papillomavirus) associated with an increased risk of cervical cancer, genital warts, anal cancer, and vaginal cancer, is also essential, although decisions about receiving this vaccine should always be discussed with a health care provider.