For Goodness Sex (18 page)

Heterosexism can be insidious. It may not be in-your-face offensive, but over time, it erodes the status of nonheterosexuals. The next time you’re in a card store, look through the anniversary cards. How many of them could be used by people in same-gender relationships? Here’s another example that usually blows people’s minds: Think about why bathrooms and locker rooms are divided by gender. At least one of the reasons for grouping gender in this way is the assumption that girls can go to the bathroom and change around each other because they aren’t sexually attracted to each other. Can you see how heterosexism makes nonheterosexual people essentially invisible?

So when your child tells you about a new friend, you might ask, “What do his/her parents do?” rather than “What do his/her mom and dad do?” When prom time rolls around and kids are getting ready for the “big ask,” keep your language inclusive: “Did Kathy get asked to prom? I hope she’s going with someone nice.” When you’re filling out one of the hundreds of pieces of paper your child brings home from school, notice whether it asks for “mother’s/father’s” signature or “parent’s/guardian’s” signature. If the language the school is using isn’t inclusive, why not send an e-mail with a helpful suggestion on how to change that for the better?

Homophobia,
biphobia
, and
transphobia
all have similar definitions: the fear or hatred of lesbian or gay people (homophobia), the fear or hatred of bisexual people (biphobia), and the fear or hatred of transgender people (transphobia), as well as the fear or hatred of being
perceived as
having any of these sexual orientations.

Homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia are increasingly displayed in acts of violence against nonheterosexuals. This violence can include verbal, physical, emotional, or social attacks. It may also include deliberately spreading false information, which can lead people to commit acts of violence against nonheterosexuals. Homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia result in thousands of deaths each year. They are also some of the main causes of bullying in schools. If your child is being teased with taunts of being gay, or if a bully chooses the slur “tranny” to disparage the way a child is dressed, we have to do more than simply stop those comments from happening. We have to help our kids see the injustice in them.

Homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia can be expressed in lots of ways besides bullying. When we withhold or curtail affectionate words or gestures from our same-gender friends because we don’t want to give the “wrong” impression, that’s homophobia. When we deny that bisexuality is a real sexual orientation, dismiss it as “just a phase,” or assume that bisexual people are the same as lesbian and gay people, that’s biphobia. As the transgender community has become more visible in recent years, there has been a sharp increase in incidences of transphobia. Many of us remember vividly the movie
Boys Don’t Cry
, which told the story of Brandon Teena, a transgender man who was brutally raped and murdered because he was transgender.

Sexual orientation prejudice can be found in every community, even the most accepting and open ones. It begins with the failure to recognize that there are far more sexual orientations in our community than we imagine. Individuals in our community, family, school, house, or place of worship may not come out because of the sexual orientation prejudice they’ve seen exhibited by members of the community, even their own friends.

Eliminating Sexual Orientation Prejudice

P
rejudice is born of ignorance and assumption. It’s OK for you or your child to ask people about their sexual orientation in an honest attempt to get to know them—just be sure not to interrogate or judge once you hear their answer. Once your kids understand more about sexual orientation, they might have questions about the people you already know. If they ask you about one of your friends who is nonheterosexual, be honest and, if possible, provide an opportunity for that person to speak with your son or daughter directly. If it’s a family member, it may require a little bit more sensitivity, but again, it’s important to be honest with your child and show that there are good, loving people around him or her who are of a different sexual orientation. Studies have shown that the more accurate information people learn about gay and lesbian people, the less homophobic they become. And the thing that seems to have the greatest impact on reducing sexual orientation prejudice is having a personal connection. When we really know someone as a whole person, as a complete individual, it’s hard to discriminate.

When talking to your children (or anyone, for that matter), the language you use makes a big statement about your attitude on sexual orientation. Make it clear that you respect and acknowledge diversity by using inclusive language. If you know someone who is in a heterosexual relationship, it’s fine to talk about the boyfriend or girlfriend, but if you don’t know, you might want to use
partner
or
sweetheart
or another nongendered word.

Another way we convey our true feelings about sexual orientation is through humor. Jokes can often reveal our prejudices as much as our wit, and those offhand comments that fly out of our mouths can do a lot of damage. Remember that your kids are watching and listening to each of those comments, and making assumptions and judgments about what is right and wrong based on your words. Before you make a “harmless joke,” think about how you would feel if you overheard your child making a similar joke. Would you be embarrassed? If so, it’s probably not that funny. And when others make a barbed remark, speak up. Every time we let a comment, joke, or insult slide by, we’re contributing to sexual orientation prejudice.

In the end, curbing discrimination requires us all to speak up and step up when necessary. There is so much emphasis on educating young people about bullying these days, but sexual orientation prejudice is just as pressing a problem on today’s school campuses. By setting a positive example, help empower your kids to be positive influences in their school and in the world around them.

Question Box

Q: You said you don’t like the word “asexual.” What would you call it?

A:
An asexual person would be someone who has very little and possibly no sexual attraction to other people. This is someone who doesn’t feel sexually turned on by other people, who may not desire sexual activity with other people. An asexual person may still have sexual feelings and fantasies and may masturbate as a form of sexual pleasure, but not necessarily. Being asexual as we’re defining it here isn’t a problem, a medical condition, or a result of emotional or physical abuse. It would be a natural condition—the way a person is born.

People who identify as asexual may not engage in sexual behavior, but that doesn’t mean they don’t establish loving or romantic relationships. A relationship isn’t defined by sexual activity; it’s defined by the intimacy, commitment, and passion shared by the people in it. Passion can be expressed in lots of ways that are not sexual.

I said in class that I didn’t like the term “asexual” because it sounds kind of clinical to me (like a diagnosis). However, my opinion is far less important here than that of an asexual person. If that’s the label the asexual community prefers to use, then that’s what we should use. Anything else would be disrespectful.

Q: What percentage of America is openly homosexual?

A:
The traditional answer is that somewhere between 1 percent and 10 percent of the population is gay or lesbian. I know that sounds like a huge range, but we really don’t have any accurate way to count people according to their sexual orientation. These numbers come from a very famous study of human sexuality conducted by Alfred Kinsey in the late 1940s and early 1950s. Although that might seem like an ancient study, the numbers hold up even today.

The other thing to think about with this question is exactly what it means to be openly homosexual. People can be “out” to various degrees. Some gay and lesbian people tell their friends about their sexual orientation but not their family; others tell people close to them but not people at their jobs or people who know them only slightly; still others are totally open about their sexual orientation. All of these things can count as being “openly homosexual,” although some people think only the third example listed fits the definition.

Q: How do two guys dance together?

A:
I like this question. It’s not one I’ve gotten before! If you’re talking about slow dancing, in which one person leads, there are a couple of ways for same-sex couples to figure that out. Sometimes the taller person leads; sometimes the person who’s the better dancer leads; sometimes they take turns leading. Sometimes couples talk about who’s leading before they start to dance, other times they just go out onto the dance floor and do what feels natural. Now when it comes to fast dancing (as they used to call it when I was a kid), you just go out onto the dance floor and shake what the good Lord gave ya—same as any couple.

Q: How do two girls have sex?

A:
This is one of the most common questions I get asked as a sexuality educator. Let’s just look at the question for a second and see what it tells us—and then I promise I’ll answer it.

So many people associate the idea of “having sex” with vaginal intercourse, for which, of course, you need a penis. Yet two women having sex together don’t have a penis, do they? Nope, they don’t. Then some people say, “Oh, they must use some kind of sex toy or artificial penis!” Yet the research shows that only a small minority of women who have sex with women use a sex toy or penis substitute as part of their sexual activity. Then people really get confused! This question reveals to us how much we value the penis and how closely we adhere to the baseball model. If we were more able to think about sex according to the pizza model, we’d remember that the penis is only one part of a whole body that can be used to give and receive sexual pleasure. Give the poor penis a break! There’s a lot more there to work with!

OK, so to answer the question, sex between women includes all the kissing, caressing, and stimulating that sex between a man and a woman or a man and a man does. The vulva is often stimulated with the hand or the mouth, and since that’s where the clitoris is, the potential for orgasm is greatly increased by this kind of stimulation. Some women do stimulate the vagina as well, using fingers or a sex toy, but as noted above, not the majority of women.

The best sexual activity doesn’t come from a manual or a list of instructions. It comes from knowing your body, knowing your partner’s body, and communicating about what brings both people pleasure. That’s what we all should do when we engage in sexual activity.

Q: What could it mean if you have only extreme sexual attractions to one gender but extreme emotional and (only slight) sexual attractions to the other?

A:
This is a great question because it recognizes that we have different kinds of attractions.

• Sexual Attraction: Whom we feel turned on by and want to have sexual activity with. This is a body response; it’s about seeking and giving sexual pleasure.

• Emotional Attraction (also called Intimacy): Whom we feel closely connected to and whom we want to know more fully and deeply. This isn’t about sexual activity necessarily; it’s about sharing trust, communication, and those intangible aspects of ourselves.

• Romantic Attraction: Whom we want to form a loving relationship with. Romantic attraction is more than just wanting to hook up with somebody. Some see it as a combination of sexual attraction and emotional attraction. It’s about wanting to know someone deeply and share sexual pleasure with that person.

In terms of your question, I’m afraid you’re the only person who can determine what your various attractions “mean” for you. It’s not uncommon that we feel strong sexual attraction to one gender and strong emotional attachment to the other. In fact, it’s not uncommon for people to have stronger emotional connections with the gender(s) they’re
not
sexually attracted to, because all that confusing anxiety that can come with sexual activity is set aside and you can just focus on the other aspects of each other. A healthy romantic relationship is successful when two people can develop their emotional attractions for each other while also maintaining and acting on their sexual attractions for each other. This isn’t always easy, but most people in good romantic relationships will say it’s worth it!

Chapter 7
OK, So I Have a Body. How Do I Like It and What Do I Do with It?

O
f all the topics we cover in the Sexuality and Society class, none must be handled with more care than body image. Talking about the anatomy and physiology of genitals during our gender unit is a walk in the park for kids compared with exploring how they feel about their bodies and how that relates to how they use their bodies.

The reason for this isn’t all that hard to understand. Most people, especially adolescents, don’t feel very good about their bodies. How can they when we live in a society that tells them every day that they’re not thin enough, in shape enough, buff enough, pretty enough, or normal enough? And age doesn’t insulate adults from these messages either; how many of us would cringe if we were asked to explore our own feelings about our bodies?

I always give plenty of advance warning when we’re moving into the body-image unit. Some kids need to put on their best defensive armor for those classes. Once in a while, kids simply won’t show up for a class, not because they’re being melodramatic but because it’s just too hard for them to have to think about their bodies in a group of their peers.

The activity we do at the start of this unit can be found at the end of this chapter. It’s a simple list of body parts; the work comes in when I ask my students to rate their level of satisfaction with each part of their own bodies. As with all in-class activities, students may decide how much or how little of the activity they want to do. Their emotional safety and well-being are far more important to me than filling out a handout.