For Goodness Sex (29 page)

Osmond, Donny, 143–45

pansexuality, 134, 137

parent-child conversations about sex, help for, 61–66

1. Don’t talk about sex—yet, 61

2. Plan the talks, not the “Talk,” 61–62

3. Try and try again, 62

4. Broadcast your feelings, 62–63

5. It’s never too soon to start talking and keep talking, 63–65

6. Be sure you know what question your child is actually asking, 65–66

parenting

accepting your child as a sexual being, 10–12, 60, 62

access to teen’s social media and phone, 81, 223–26

adolescents’ needs, 5–6, 8

answering the question “where do babies come from?,” 65

children’s age-appropriate clothes, behavior, and activities and, 173–74

child’s “coming-out” to, 148

core values, being clear about, 29–30

difficulties talking about sex, 9

electronic communication and, 215–16

empowering daughters to get to know their own genitals, 180–81

family philosophy of sex, 19–42

family rules about privacy, 187

family values, communicating to children, 30

family values, listing, 30

friendships of child, responding to undesirable, 81

gender scripts and, 119

guidance about healthy ways to express love, 12

handling appropriate self-touching, 64–65

helping teens build healthy relationships, 79–89

inspiring kids to express themselves, 87

language for talking about sexual values, 31–40

normalizing talking about sex, 61–66

online privacy and, 81

online privacy conversation, 217–18

parents’ memories of adolescence and, 11

preparing to talk with a child or teen about sexuality, 39

reassuring teens that life gets better, 95

removing gender identity, using “sweetheart” instead of “boyfriend” or “girlfriend,” 140–41

responding to young children’s questions about parental sexuality, 64

responding to young children’s sexuality in a relaxed and comfortable way, 63–65

response to rule-breaking or inappropriate online behavior, 225–26

rules and limits set by, 12, 81, 200, 224–25

sex education and conversation, xi, 5, 8, 13

sexual mistakes, responding to, 11

sharing lessons about their own early sexual experiences, 189

talking about gender scripts, 124–25

talking about healthy relationships, 81

talking about parental “coming-out” experience, 145

talking about sexting and online privacy, 223

talking about sexuality, 9–10, 61-66, 238

talking about sexuality, conversation starters, 40–42

talking about sexual orientation, 140–41, 145

talking about sexual readiness, 190–91

talking to sons about autoerotic asphyxiation, 185–86

talking to teens about love at sixteen or seventeen, 90–91

talking to teens about masturbation, 184, 187

talking to teens about pornography, 228

talking to teens about sexting and cybersexual behavior, 216–18

talking to teens about virginity and values, 188

teachable moments, 225–26

teaching through storytelling, 189

understanding your child’s sexual orientation, 133–41

walking in on your teen in bed with someone, 200

walking in on your teen masturbating, 199–200

passion, 15, 38, 69, 74, 100, 156

friends with benefits and, 75, 77

hookups and, 75

relationship defined by, 156

romantic relationship and, 75–76

Sternberg’s component of love and, 74

peer pressure

first kiss and, 97

for sex, 9, 53, 59, 60

how far is too far and, 194–95

online behavior and, 217–18

relationships and, 96

penis

average size, 178

baseball metaphor for, 52, 158

boy’s complex relationship with, 177–79

explicit and implicit messages about, 177

homophobia and boy culture, 178

as more public than a woman’s vulva, 106

naming of, 105

similarity of male-female genitals and, 109–12

size, flaccid vs. erect, 178

size and body image, 177–78

words for, 32, 177

pizza model for sexuality, 54–57

“cougar” idea and, 128

“How far is too far” and, 194–96

“virginity” in, 66–67

Planned Parenthood Federation of America, ix

Pope, Harrison, 167

pornography, 29, 226–30

amateur videos (PornHub), 229

arousal and, 232–33

girls viewing, 232

Internet and, xi, 226–27

masturbation and, 232

Question Box on, 231–34

unhealthy messages of, 229–30, 231

as unrealistic, 88

YouTube video debunking world of, 228

“Porn Sex vs. Real Sex: The Differences Explained with Food” (YouTube video), 228

Pretty Baby
(film), 173

privacy, 29

puberty, 5–6

Question Box, 13–18, 42–46, 66–70, 96–101, 126–28, 156–60, 201–3, 231–34

“Are you a semi-virgin if you had oral sex but not intercourse?,” 202–3

“Can girls really have orgasms?,” 202

“Could you use a balloon as a condom?,” 16–17

“Do cougars play the field or the game?,” 128

“Do vulvas smell?,” 67–68

“Do you think pornography encourages the baseball model?,” 231

“How can you tell if a guy likes you?,” 17–18

“How do disabled people have sex?,” 201

“How do two girls have sex?,” 158–59

“How do two guys dance together?,” 157

“How many ninth-graders (percent) have pizza (vaginal intercourse)?,” 67

“I haven’t had my first kiss yet. Is this a problem?,” 97–98

“I’m a girl, and I hate it when people, even girls, say the word “bitch” to each other or to girls. I don’t want to sound rude, but I don’t think it’s right. What to do?,” 126

“Is having sex with a person you just met a bad thing if you’ve talked to them about it?,” 44–46

“Is it bad to give oral sex to a girl?,” 42–43

“Is it normal to be in love with someone and be very attracted to them but some weeks not feel nearly as attracted and as desperate to talk to them, etc?,” 98–99

“Is it possible to be in love with someone and yet have no sexual attraction to them whatsoever?,” 100–101

“Is it unhealthy to
not
have a romantic relationship until after high school, or should you just jump into it and then see how it all goes?,” 97

“Is it wrong to assume someone is male or female by their physical appearance?,” 126–27

“I think I may be in love with two people. Is that possible or just my brain tricking me?,” 99–100

“Is it normal to just randomly get turned on throughout the day multiple times a day? p.s., I’m a girl, not a guy,” 70

“I want to have a relationship with someone, but I don’t know how to talk to them or ‘put myself out there.’ Do you have any tips?,” 96–97

“What could it mean if you have only extreme sexual attractions to one gender but extreme emotional and (only slight) sexual attractions to the other?,” 159–60

“What does society say when girls lose their virginity as opposed to boys?,” 127–28

“What percentage of America is openly homosexual?,” 156–57

“What’s the average duration of sex?,” 203

“What would be considered “virginity” in the baseball model? How about the pizza model?,” 66–67

“When is masturbation harmful?,” 43–44

“When is someone emotionally and physically ready for sex?,” 15–16

“Why are guys so obsessed with boobs?,” 233–34

“Why are hickeys pleasurable?,” 69–70

“Why is sex so good?,” 14–15

“You said you don’t like the word ‘asexual.’ What would you call it?,” 156

Raths, Louis, 25

relationships, 2, 71–101

acquaintances, 74–75

appearance, beauty, and, 170–71

authenticity in, 88, 89, 96–97

body-to-body (passion), 74, 75

breaking up, surviving, 89–96

building healthy relationships, 79–89

commitment, reliable patterns of, 87

deal breakers in, 80

electronic communication and, 84–85, 210, 211–13, 214–15

envisioning the future, 77–78

equality and, 82, 95

expression of ideas and feelings in, 86

friends, nonromantic, 75

friends with benefits, 73–74, 76–77, 79

healthy, model for lacking, 82

heart-to-heart connection (love), 74

heterosexual boys, friendships among, 120

hookups, 73, 74, 76, 78–79

importance of different relationships, 96

intimacy with intercourse, 53

mind-to-mind (commitment), 74

nonsexual and nonromantic, 72–73

parental conversations about, 81

power imbalance in, example, 82–83

Question Box queries on, 96–101

“in a relationship,” 76

romantic, as transitory during adolescence, 96

romantic, beginnings of, 87–88

romantic, constant contact and, 84–85

romantic, honesty, ease, and joy in, 86–87, 97

romantic, importance of to teens, 90

romantic, maintaining individuality and personal power in, 83–85, 99

romantic, reciprocity in, 87

romantic, repairing, 92–93

romantic, signs of things going badly, 95–96

romantic and sexual, 72, 73, 159–60

seeing somebody (having “a thing” with, hanging out with), 75–76

Sternberg’s three components of love and, 74, 75

a “thing,” 71–72, 73

trusting instincts in, 88–89

types of, 73

Religious Society of Friends (Quakers), 26

Rothschild, Nancy, 107

school

bullying and gender or sexual orientation, 136, 153, 155

technology policy, 208–9, 213–14

value conflicts and, 26, 30

Scott, Jerry, 84

self-esteem, 108

body image and, 111–12

sexism, 1, 66, 121, 128, 133, 174, 202, 203

about virginity, 202

definition of term, 151

Halloween costumes and, 174

sex-negative views, xi

sexting, 29, 216–22

future consequences of, 221

parental conversations about, 223

sex toys, xii, 20, 21, 158

sexual activity

average age for first intercourse, 190–91

average duration of intercourse, 203

awareness of genitals and, 177

body image and, 174–76

common reasons for being sexually active or not, 58–59

core values, differing, and guidelines for, 28–29

decision-making and baseball model, 53

equality and, 122–24, 191

exercise on reasons for being sexually active, 57–60

feedback from a partner and, 194–96

gender scripts and, 122–24

girls and, 122–23

“having sex,” 19–21

“How far is too far?,” 194–96

keeping the lights on and, 198–99

masturbation and, 181–87

nervousness about, 191–92

parental rules about, 200

peer pressure and, 58, 59, 60

pleasure and, 60, 109, 122, 177, 179, 183, 191, 202

pornography and unhealthy sexuality, 229–30

pregnancy and contraception, 196–97

Question Box queries about, 201–3