For Goodness Sex (3 page)

As we take this journey together through the book, I urge you to keep your eyes on the prize—young people who know their values, who believe themselves worthy of love, who feel good about their bodies, who see pleasure as a means to build intimacy and connection with another, and who live their lives not fearing mistakes but using them as lessons to reorient themselves toward success. Impossible, you think? I’ve seen it happen year after year with my students—and I’m just their teacher. Think about how much more amazing they will be when their parents believe this too.

Question Box

I
n the back corner of my classroom is an old shoebox with a hole cut into the top of it. Next to the box are scraps of paper and some pencils. This is the Question Box, a place where kids can drop any question they have about human sexuality. I answer the questions both during class time and on a blog I maintain at school.

At the end of each chapter, I’ll include some actual questions from students and my answers to them. I haven’t done any fancy editing of the questions or answers. I’m including the actual questions as kids asked them and my unedited response to them. I do this for a couple of reasons. First, I want you to see what kind of questions kids are actually asking. They run the gamut from innocent to downright technical. I also want to model answering these questions, to show you how I approach a topic, and how even a simple question allows for both information and value clarification to be offered in response. So here are a few general questions from the box to get us started:

Q: Why is sex so good?

A:
There are two ways to answer this question. From the biological perspective, sex feels good for an important evolutionary reason. If a species, like ours, is going to reproduce sexually, then there’s an advantage if that action also feels good. As I’ve often said, if sex felt like getting your tooth drilled at the dentist, people wouldn’t have it very often, and that could eventually threaten the survival of our species. Our bodies have evolved so that our genital regions, as well as many, many other parts of the body, are sensitive to sexual stimulation. A part of the body that brings sexual pleasure when stimulated is called an
erogenous zone
. This does not mean just our genitals. All of us have many places on our bodies that result in sexual pleasure when stimulated. Knowing your own and your partner’s erogenous zones can lead to much more fulfilling sexual experiences. The mechanisms of sexual pleasure involve a combination of nerve impulses, blood flow, and muscle tension. To find out more about this, you might Google the phrase “human sexual response cycle” and look at the work of Masters and Johnson, two famous sex researchers who studied the body changes that happen when people get sexually excited.

The second reason sex feels good is that humans have developed the emotional capacity to feel love, intimacy, and passion. These emotional states highlight and deepen sexual pleasure. While pleasure can exist without these emotions, it is much more significant when they are present.

Q: When is someone emotionally and physically ready for sex?

A:
I wish I had an answer that would be right for all people at all times, but the real answer is “it depends.” We are all unique individuals, and our relationships are all unique. Because of that, there can’t be a standard answer to this question. Wouldn’t it be great if we could say, “The Thursday following your sixth date is the most appropriate day to start having sex”? But, of course, that’s not the way it works.

I think it’s appropriate to start being sexually active with a sweetheart (and remember: I define sexually active as being involved with someone else’s body for the purpose of giving and receiving sexual pleasure) when intimacy, commitment, and passion are established and both people have pretty equal amounts of these feelings for each other. I don’t think these things develop quickly, so I don’t think sexual activity is appropriate on a first date or early in a new relationship. I also think people aren’t ready to become sexually active if they can’t talk about it with their partners in a serious way, and also talk about safer sex practices, contraception (if appropriate), and possible positive and negative consequences and how they’d deal with them. Emotionally, a person has to be ready to face other people’s response, positive or negative, to the sexual activity and be willing to share those emotional reactions with his or her partner.

As you can see, I think it takes a lot for a couple to be ready to engage in sexual activity. If any of the above things aren’t in place, I’d say you’re not ready.

Q: Could you use a balloon as a condom?

A:
Short Answer—ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! UNSAFE! UNHEALTHY! DANGER! DANGER!

Longer Answer: OK, I’m calmer now. Condoms are made to be condoms; balloons are made to be balloons. Both can be made of latex, but that doesn’t mean they’re interchangeable. You wouldn’t use a pencil eraser as a car tire even though they’re both made of rubber, would you?

Condoms, when used correctly, are an essential tool in reducing the risk of pregnancy and STIs. They work so well because they’re designed for that purpose. No condom substitute (balloon, plastic baggie, sock—whatever) will provide the same level of protection, and some can do more harm than good. So insist on the original! Sometimes people ask about condom substitutes because they don’t know where to get condoms or are embarrassed to get them. Condoms can be purchased at any local drugstore; there are no age requirements for buying condoms and no prescriptions are necessary. Free condoms are available from many health clinics, sexual health agencies, and even some schools (although ours does not provide free condoms at this time).

Here’s an important thing to consider. If a person doesn’t feel confident enough to acquire condoms, then maybe they shouldn’t be having intercourse. Being ready for sexual intercourse means being able to handle all aspects of the situation, including protecting oneself and one’s sweetheart from unwanted consequences. Remember my rule about sexual activity—“If you can’t look your partner in the eye and talk about it, then you can’t do it with them.” My rule for condoms is, “If you can’t take responsibility for securing condoms, then you’re not allowed to have the kind of sexual activity that calls for using condoms.”

Q: How can you tell if a guy likes you?

A:
I know you’re really hoping for a clear-cut answer here, but that’s just not the way it works, I’m afraid. People can react in all kinds of ways when they like you. Some people get really quiet around you. Others will make sure you notice them. Some will tease you or act annoying. Some will just silently stare at you (yes, that can feel a little creepy).

The best way to figure out if a guy likes you is to
ask him
! Might it feel awkward to do that? Sure, but it’s also a way to get a clear answer. You might want to resort to the middle school tactic of asking your friends to ask his friends if he really likes you or not, but that makes the whole thing so much more public than it needs to be. You could try using Facebook or texts to figure it out, but they’re not great ways to get clear information.

Why not try the kind of “I message” we use in class? In an I message, you describe the situation, say what you feel, and say what you want or need. Below are two different I messages you might try (or make up your own!).

#1: “I’m trying to figure something out and I could use your help. I’m feeling a bit confused about what you think of me. I’m wondering, can you be honest with me and tell me whether you like me or not?”

#2: “It’s hard for me to figure out if someone likes me or not. I’d be a lot less anxious if I knew for sure. So, I was just wondering, do you like me?”

Asking such a question might seem scary, but remember, the worst a person can say is no, and you’re absolutely strong enough to hear that and be OK. Believe it! Then go ask him.

Chapter 2
Creating a Family Philosophy of Sex: What We Believe, What We Say, and How We Say It

A
s my students file into class on a late-winter day, happy to escape the chill outside, they look up at the board and smile. Two boys high-five. A voice I’m not meant to hear whispers,
Finally!
On the board I’ve written, “What is having sex?”

We weren’t ready to talk about this until now. In a sexuality education classroom, as in any healthy relationship, intimacy and trust don’t just happen. They need to be developed. Only after talking about the basic definition of sexuality, about values and language, about our bodies, and about gender as both a biological and social construct are we ready to move on to the topic of sexual activity. We know each other; we’ve practiced listening to one another; we’ve had our first few awkward and heated discussions. We can handle this now.

What they don’t realize is that we’re also about to have another conversation about values.

As I begin the class, I ask students for their definitions of the phrase
having sex
. In the beginning of the year, I would have asked them to jot down their definitions on index cards, but at this point in the semester, they’re ready to shout out answers uninhibitedly. There’s a variety of responses, as usual, everything from slang (“two people doing it”) to comedic (“shakin’, bakin’, and makin’ ”) to technical (“penis inserted into the vagina”). Someone shouts, “Home run!” No matter the group, someone always shouts, “Home run!”

“Let’s think about this in a bit more detail,” I say, passing around a handout. It contains a long list of possible sexual behaviors. I tell the students, “Go down the list and put a check mark next to anything that you think would be having sex. Then look at what you’ve selected and summarize that into a definition of having sex.” The noise level in the room increases. “Do this on your own, please,” I say. “You need to know what
your
definition is, and your friends can’t tell you that.”

After they’ve completed the activity, I ask for a volunteer to share the definition.

A young woman in a long floral skirt pipes up. “Vaginal intercourse that leads to orgasm in one or both partners.” As I write the definition on the board, I smile, because they think we’re finished, but we’ve just gotten started.

“OK, does anyone want to add to that definition or alter it?”

“Just a penis?” someone asks, “or can it be vaginal penetration with a sex toy or a finger?”

“No! Just a penis—duh!” one of the boys shouts.

“So, is it the penis or the penetration that makes it having sex?” I ask.

Voices erupt all over the classroom.

“It’s the penis!”

“Maybe a sex toy but not a finger!”

“That’s sex but not
real
sex!”

“Gotta be a penis!”

“What about anal?”

“Ewwwwwwww!”

“But, wait, then lesbians can’t have sex?”

As our discussion, and sometimes our debate, continues, I revise the definition on the board. Often we wind up with multiple definitions. Some are more inclusive, some less. Some include an emotional component, others only mechanical acts. As I draw this part of the lesson to a close, I ask a series of questions that prompt the class to think about not just
how
they define having sex, but also
why
.

“Think about these things,” I say. “How do your values about orgasm influence your definition of having sex? How do your values about the primacy of genitals versus other body parts influence it? How do your values about gender and sexual orientation influence your definition? What effect do your values about relationships or love have on your technical definition of sex?”

“I don’t wanna talk about values!” says a well-dressed young man. “I wanna talk about having sex!”

“You can’t talk about one without the other,” I say, smiling.

Over my many years as a sexuality educator, I’ve found that people are more afraid of talking about their values than about their sexual activity. Many people aren’t even sure what a value is, and they’ve certainly never taken a deliberate inventory of their values around sexuality. My students are like this when they appear in my class. They’re eager to start talking about the ins and outs of sex, pardon the pun, and when they hear we’re starting with the topic of values, they look completely flummoxed.

There are many different theoretical frameworks for talking about values. I have been most influenced by the work of Sidney B. Simon, Leland Howe, and Howard Kirschenbaum and their classic text
Values Clarification
. I use their ideas as the basis for my teaching about values. A simple definition of the term
values
is: the deepest-set rules that guide one’s decisions. Values don’t just tell us
what
we do; they tell us
why
we do it, which is much more important. Our values reflect our core beliefs; they tell us what really matters to us. Most people strive to do what they think is right or correct in any given moment or circumstance. Your values help to guide each of those seemingly separate decisions, helping you determine what’s right in an ethical, moral, or spiritual sense.

There are two immediate traps that must be avoided when talking about values. The first is the idea that a choice or action can be “value free” or “value neutral.” My students love to try to argue these positions when I present them with a “what if” situation or a dilemma to solve. But it’s an argument they can’t win, because
every
choice is based on one or more values; it’s just a matter of figuring out what value is at work. One who consistently makes choices by flipping a coin values chance. One who decides things haphazardly, without a lot of thought, values chaos or impulsivity. Every academic subject in school is based upon a set of values. Math and science are based upon the values of logic, linear thinking, and order, and history rests on the value of a record of the past for insightful lessons and as context for making decisions in the present. Every school has its own code of values (which might be called school philosophy or mission statement). Every family has a set of values by which it operates. It’s essential to clarify what values are at work for an individual or group before talking about sexuality.