Faithless (8 page)

I can tell my words shocked her and threw her off
balance a bit. If she still couldn't remember, then I was going to have to
force her to remember.

"Honestly, no."

She's hanging her head in shame and I feel bad. My
intentions were never to make her feel bad, just to help her get answers.
Truthful answers.

"Why do you want to know, Tristan?"

I pushed my hands back through my hair, letting out
a deep breath. "Well...

The back door came flying open at that moment and I
see a furious Blake, heading in our direction. I'm not quite sure what's wrong
with her, but it can't be good. She looks pissed.

"Riley, we need to talk. Now!" Riley and
I both jump a little at the edge in her tone.

"Can you just give us a minute?"

"No! No I can't. Come with me now,
please?"

Riley turns and gives me an apologetic smile. This
wasn't how this was supposed to happen. Damn it. I reach out for Riley's hand,
but Blake has already pulled her close enough to the door that I can't reach
her anymore. I turn and kick over the trashcan closest to me. This was
bullshit. I just needed ten minutes; I don't think that's asking too much. The
metal can clatters off of the ground and rolls away from me.

I make the decision to go find Riley and see if she
is okay, but that turns out to be one of the worst ideas I've ever had. Riley
and Blake are sitting in the common room, and I can hear Blake's voice from
where I'm standing across the room.

"He's a cop, or a private investigator,
whatever you want to call it. He doesn't even sleep here, Riley. Hell, I
wouldn't put it past him to be pretending he's a patient here."

Shit, shit, double shit. How the fuck did she find
out?

"How do you know, Blake? You don't even know
him." My heart melts at Riley's attempt to defend my lies.

"Honey, not only is he the cop that showed up
at my house, but he's a surfer. He has been surfing the same point as my group
and me since I can remember. He was also one of the cops on the scene when I
was pulled from the ocean. I know him. I know where he lives, and I know what
kind of guy he is."

"Well I know what kind of guy he is too."
Riley pushed her chair back from the table and stood toe to toe with Blake.
"I don't believe what you're saying."

"Just ask him then. I'm even willing to bet
that he's the one who saved you, Riley."

Riley's face goes stark white as every piece of the
puzzle starts clicking in place. This wasn't how she was supposed to find out.
I was supposed to be the one telling her. The minute I read her mother's
letter, I knew I had to tell her the truth before someone else did. Riley
glances over at me and I'm stuck in place. She's livid, I can see it and she's
out for blood. My blood, unfortunately.

It takes Riley a whole twenty steps to get to where
I am, and she looks even more pissed off than just seconds ago.

"Outside, now!"

I follow her, not knowing exactly what is about to
happen, but my emotions suddenly click into preservation mode. I need this girl
more than she will ever know, and if I lose her, well I would be losing a part
of me.

"Riley, let me explain."

"Oh you will explain, and you'll do it in the
next five minutes or I am walking out of your life for good."

I took in a deep breath, "Okay, Blake was
somewhat right about me. I am a cop and private investigator. I've been with
the force for four years. My first PI case was yours." I can't bring
myself to see her reaction. I know that was a big blow, but she needs to hear
the rest. "Your mother hired me to find you. I'm the PI that has been
following you. I followed you that night on the bluff. I watched you, wondering
what you were going to do. I had remembered a story your mother had told me
about your father taking you there for a picnic or something. She told me that
if I couldn't find you anywhere else, to look there. I watched you close your
eyes as the wind whipped around you. I remember how absolutely stunning you
looked. When you put your arms out to your sides, I knew you were going to
jump. After watching you for as long as I had, I just couldn't let you do it. I
knew you didn't have much to live for, but a part of me wanted to be a reason.
I thought you would remember, but you didn't." I looked up to see if she
was still standing in front of me, when I felt her hand connect with the side
of my face.

"How dare you. You made me trust you, but the
entire time, you have just been playing me. You made me feel for you so you
could learn my secrets and now you want what?"

I wanted to tell her she was wrong, but I would be
lying and that's what got us here in the first place. I wanted to pull her into
me and never let her go. I had fallen for this girl in the last three months
that I had followed her and gotten to know her here. I needed her to understand
that.

"Riley, it wasn't like that. It wasn't all a
lie."

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" She storms off in
the opposite direction from me, and at this point I have no choice but to let
her go.

I can't help but to feel like she was taking a
piece of me with her. This was going to be more than I could bear, I could feel
it deep in my soul. Without a second thought, I go in search of Blake. Who the
hell did she think she was anyway? I scan the common room, but there is no sign
of her anywhere. It's possible that she is in her and Riley's room, but there
is no way in hell I'm going in there. Just as I'm headed back towards the
dining hall, I see London walking in my direction. Before I can dodge him, he
yells at me from across the room.

"Tristan, hey you gotta second?"

"Not really, London. What could you possibly
want from me?"

"Have you seen Riley anywhere? I just wanted
to speak to her for a second."

All rational thinking leaves my mind and I find
myself slamming London's back against the wall, my forearm pushed hard into his
neck. "Stay the fuck away from Riley. You understand me?"

"I don't know what your deal is man, but
unless she tells me that herself, she's fair game."

This only pisses my off further, so I push my arm
just a tad bit harder into his neck causing him to gasp for air. "I don't
want to have to tell you again. She doesn't need someone like you trying to get
in her pants while she's trying to figure out the rest of her life. So, back
the fuck off." I push my arm hard against his neck before backing away
from him. He bent over grasping his neck and coughing, but I could give two
shits. I start making my way out to the front desk and catch a glimpse of Riley
up at the front desk talking to Jan, one of the night nurses. I slowly make my
way over to her, but Jan spotted me first and held her hand up for me to stop
right where I'm at. I usually wouldn't be scared of some little nurse, but Jan
knows more about me than anybody else in this place, so I know to listen to
her.

I stop in the middle of the room and wait for the
go ahead signal, but it never comes. Riley eventually walks towards her room
and I walk over to Jan. "What was that all about?"

"Tristan, you really need to back off. That
poor girl is already having a hell of a time and you are only making things
worse. Now I know I'm partially to blame in this particular situation because I
got you in here, but that girl is far too fragile to deal with any of your
bullshit. You hear me, love?"

"Yeah Jan, I hear ya. It wasn't supposed to
happen this way."

Jan grabs my hand and gives it a tight squeeze.
"I know it's hard to see past the present, but I believe she'll give you
the opportunity to explain someday. Just give her some space and time."

"Thanks Jan." I give her a flirty smile
and turn to leave.

I start making my way down to the parking garage
when I hear a man calling my name from behind me. When I turn to see who it is,
Mr. Rollins is walking towards me faster than normal.

"Oh hey, Mr. Rollins. What's up?"

"How did she find out?"

"Blake told her. Well that and the letter she
got from her mom hinted towards me. I couldn't let her start digging into her
mother's private investigator and find out it was me. I needed to be the one to
tell her."

"But you weren't, Tristan. Look, if she ever
finds out that I helped you get close to her, I honestly don't know what she would
do."

"Don't worry, Mr. Rollins I won't tell her. No
reason to expose two assholes in her life that she was finally starting to
trust."

"I'm not the asshole here, Tristan. You are. You
asked me to break almost every ethical code when it comes to therapy. I helped
you because I didn't want to see that poor girl hurting the way that she was,
but you can't put your guilty conscience on me. Just don't say anything to her
and we won't have any issues."

"Are you threatening me, Mr. Rollins?" I
was now becoming extremely pissed off.

"Not at all Tristan. Just remember, everyone
has secrets that they don't want out." He turned to start walking back
inside and I continued on to my car.

"Fuck you, Cary." I shouted as I ducked
into the driver seat. There was no way I would let that slimy fuck get away
with threatening me.

"Riley, are you okay? You've been in there for
a long time. I'm worried."

I sat with my head against the door and my arms
wrapped around my knees, as the tears flooded my face. I couldn't bear to see
anyone, especially Blake. I felt so stupid for believing that Tristan could've
actually cared for me. I should've known better. If the past was any indication
of how the rest of my life would go, I was fucked.

"Riley, please just answer me."

Blake's voice vibrated through the wood, causing my
brain to start hurting. "Leave me alone, Blake."

I wasn't sure she would actually do it, but a few
seconds later I heard our room door click into place. All I could think of now,
was getting myself out of this god-forsaken place. It wasn't going to be an
easy task, but I can't take another minute knowing that he could show up at any
moment.

I stayed in the bathroom for the greater portion of
the night, and didn't emerge until I heard Blake's soft snoring. I took a quick
shower and quietly crawled into bed, pulling the covers over my head. Once the
darkness wrapped around me, my heavy lids closed and I drifted off into a
nightmarish slumber.

It had to have been extremely late at night because
there were barely any cars on PCH, and barely a soul in sight. It was windier
than it had been the first time I was here, but I was okay with it. I needed
it. I was in my short pink nightie and nothing else. I could hear people
talking in the distance, but I was too focused to pay them any attention. I
shuffled my bare feet to the edge and took a look over. It was a long way down
and I knew there was absolutely no way I would make it out alive, but that was
the point.

Just as I was about to jump, Tristan grabbed my
arm. I slipped a little and started to slide down the edge. Sand flew all
around me and I started coughing to clear my lungs of the debris. I glanced up
into Tristan's stormy blue eyes and found myself wanting to live. I tugged at
his arm with my other hand, begging him to pull me up.

"You said you wanted to die, Riley. How am I
supposed to save you, when you don't want to save yourself?"

"I changed my mind, Tristan. Please pull me
back up. Please Tristan, I'm slipping."

"I'm sorry, Riley. This is what you wanted and
I want you to get what you want."

I looked into his eyes one last time before he let
go of my arm and I started falling to my death. A million different things ran
through my mind as my body plummeted to the ground, but the most prominent thought
was of Tristan. How I would never get another chance to feel his lips against
mine, or feel the warmth of his touch on my cool skin. These were the things I
wanted to feel, not sorrow or fear. I wanted to live, if only to get to know
him I wasn't sure, but I needed to explore the emotions that were running
through me.

I woke with a jolt, sitting straight up in bed
gasping for air. I was drenched in sweat and my lungs felt heavy along with my
every limb. I glanced over at Blake's sleeping form and breathed a sigh of
relief. I really didn't need her asking a million questions. I quickly ran to
the bathroom, grabbing a dry clean shirt on my way and very slowly closed the
door. I wiped my body off with my bath towel and quickly changed my shirt. I
threw the wet one in the small hamper in the corner, splashed some water on my
face and made my way back to bed. Once I was tucked in bed again, I couldn't
help but be afraid to fall asleep. I didn't want to go back into the nightmare
again. I wanted to be able to think happy thoughts, not morbid and depressing
ones. As I lay in bed staring at the ceiling aimlessly, I suddenly recalled my
conversation with Jan earlier. I knew I might get into trouble for leaving my
room this late, but it was my last hope to do what needed to be done.

I pulled a pair of sweats on and slippers before
tiptoeing my way over to the door. I glanced back at Blake one last time to
make sure she was still asleep, before I quietly cracked open the door and made
my way into the dimly lit hallway. I looked down both sides of the hall to make
sure nobody was around before I took off for the front desk. When I saw Jan
sitting alone behind the small glass partition reading a book, I figured the
coast was clear.

"Jan." I whisper yelled, as I got closer.
I must've scared her because she jumped a bit at the sound of my voice.

"Riley, what are you doing out of bed?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Well you better make it quick, Mr. Rollins is
still here and he would have my ass if he knew I wasn't forcing you back to
your room right now."

"Jan, I don't want to get you into trouble,
but I need a favor."

"What is it, hun?"

"I need you to tell me what room Tristan is
in. I have to talk to him."

Jan gave me a perplexed look, but I could tell she
was considering it. I paced back and forth in front of the desk, just waiting
for an answer. When I glanced back at Jan, she held the phone in her hand.

"He doesn't stay here, but I'll dial his
number for you. You better make it quick though."

"I promise." I would say I was shocked to
find out he didn't actually stay here, but after today I don't think anything
could surprise me. My adrenaline was racing through my veins as I listened to
the phone ringing. I held my breath, anticipating how it would feel to hear his
voice. When the phone rang a third time, all hope flew out with my breath. It
was becoming clear, he didn't want anything to do with me. After the fifth
ring, his voicemail picked up and my heart plummeted to the floor. I could feel
the tears welling up and I quickly hung up the phone and ran to my room. I knew
I probably should've left a message telling him how sorry I was or something,
but I just couldn't bear to feel rejection for the umpteenth time in my life.

There was absolutely no way I was going to be able
to sleep, so I pulled out my journal and decided to start writing. A little
after three in the morning, my eyes began to get extremely heavy and I knew
there was no possible way I could evade sleep any longer.

"Riley."

Blake's voice was soft and comforting, but I wasn't
in the mood to deal with all of her questions this morning, so I ignored her as
long as I could.

"Riley, I know you're awake. Group is starting
in ten minutes."

"Fine. I'll be there in a minute." I
growled as I rolled over, tucking the blanket over my head.

"Okay, but don't get mad at me when you get in
trouble for being late."

"Whatever, Blake. Just go." I stuck my
arm out from beneath the blanket and gave her the middle finger. All I heard
after that was Blake's laugh echoing down the hall. When I knew she was gone
for good, I threw my blanket back and pulled my hands over my head in a long
stretch. Even though I had only gotten about three hours of sleep, I felt more
refreshed today than any other day.

I quickly pulled on a pair of jeans and a baggy
sweater, and headed out to grab some coffee before group. Lord knows I was
going to need it. The cafeteria was unusually empty and very quiet. It was eerie
and put me on edge as I filled my coffee cup and rushed down the hall. When I
entered the room, everybody decided to take the opportunity to stare at me like
I was some animal in a zoo. I gave a small annoying wave and went to my seat.

It's not like I expected him to show up or
anything, but deep down I had hoped he would. When I saw the empty seat next to
mine, I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I tucked my feet under me as I
sipped on my coffee, waiting for Mr. Rollins to start us off. Luckily, I had beaten
him in this morning. That was always good thing; I hated the unwanted attention
he gave when he was here before me.

I glanced around the room noticing that a few of
the usual people were no longer here, and I became envious. They had all healed
and found the strength to go on without this place. I desperately wished that
for me, and I knew I could achieve it, if I just tried a little harder. I was
busy staring at that goddamn ink stain on the floor when a pair of black and
white Converse came into view beneath me. My heart skipped a beat and
practically got lodged in my throat as I prepared myself to look up into those
mesmerizing blue eyes. Unfortunately when I did look up, I was met with a set
of chocolate brown eyes with an apologetic nature. He had to have seen the
disappointment in my face because he was quickly apologizing.

"I'm sorry, Riley. It's just me."
London's voice was deep and commanding even when he was trying to be
sympathetic. I wasn't sure if I found it attractive or condescending.

"No need to apologize, London. How are
you?"

He sat down next to me making himself comfortable
in Tristan's chair, and I became extremely irritated. "I can't complain, I
guess. How are you doing today?"

I crossed my arms tightly over my chest, never
looking directly at him. "I'm okay."

"That's it?"

"What do you want me to say, London?"

"Say you'll have lunch with me."

My eyes shot up to his. I couldn't believe he had
the audacity to sit here, not even twenty-four hours after Tristan and I had
our blowout, asking me to have lunch with him. "Are you serious right
now?"

"Of course I am."

I stood, pointing my finger into his chest.
"Who do you think you are?"

"Whoa Riley, calm down. I was just asking if
you wanted to have lunch, it's not like I asked you to marry me." He was
now standing face to face with me, and my anger slowly started to dissipate. He
made a good point.

"Sorry. Yeah, I guess we can have lunch
together."

"Okay, I'll see ya after group then?"

"Yeah." I whispered before I sat back in
my chair and he walked towards the other side of the room.

 
I spent
the entire group session staring at the doors, just waiting for them to come
flying open as Tristan walked in. It never happened though. I was slowly
starting to come to the realization that I may never get the opportunity to
make things right with him. I just needed him to hear me out, and I needed him
to explain so much more than he had. Honestly, I just needed to see him more
than anything.

Mr. Rollins was starting to wrap up group when I
quickly stood, gathering all the attention from my fellow patients. "Mr.
Rollins, I'd like to talk about some things if that's okay?"

"Absolutely, Riley. Please start whenever
you're ready."

I nodded in appreciation and stood in front of the
group, straightening my sweater as I tried to calm my nerves. "I haven't
had an easy life. I know many of us haven't, but for me, I've always felt like
I was living in hell on Earth. I grew up thinking that my parents never loved
me, and as I bounced from foster home to foster home, it only reaffirmed my
thoughts. How could anyone let their child go through what I went through, if
they really loved them?" I tugged at the frayed hem on my sweater as I
continued. I still wasn't brave enough to look at the people around me when I
talked, so I kept my head down. "I've never blamed anyone for my dumb
luck, I guess you could call it, but I also never gave anybody a real chance to
get to know me or even help me. That was until I met you all. I’ve listened to
each and every one of your stories over the last few weeks and I've come to
realize, that I'm not the only one who has been burned and tarnished by the
things I have been through. I've learned to take responsibility for my actions
and not to blame other people, but I honestly think the most valuable thing
I've learned, is that you sometimes have to let people in. Not everyone is
going to treat me the way the bad people in my life have and I can accept that,
but I've also learned that secrets
will
tear you apart. Anyways, I've taken up enough of all your time. Thanks for
listening." I quickly sat back down in my chair. It was silent for a long
second before the entire room erupted in applause. I slowly looked up at each
and every one of the faces looking back at me. They were all smiling at me and
cheering me on. It was the first time in as long as I could remember that I felt,
appreciated. I gave a small smile in return and the applause slowly started to
die down.

"Riley, I have to say, I'm proud of you.
That's the most you have opened up since you've been here. It's nice to see how
far you've really come."

"Thank you, Mr. Rollins."

"Alright group, that'll do it for today. I'll
see you all bright and early tomorrow morning. Great job today, everyone."

I gathered my empty coffee cup and started making
my way towards the doors.

"You're not trying to ditch me are you?"
London's voice caught me off guard and I jumped a little, which in turn caused
him to let out a chuckle.

"Do I amuse you?" I laughed.

"A little. Shall we?" He extended his
elbow for me to loop my arm through his. I hesitated for half a second before I
shrugged my shoulders and placed my arm through his. "So I made a
reservation at this amazing new place in town."

I quickly pulled him to a stop, "London, you
know I can't leave." I was beginning to panic.