Faithless
Authors: Amanda Bennett
FAITHLESS
By
Amanda Bennett
Copyright
©2013 By Amanda Bennett
All rights reserved. Printed in the United States
No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any form or by
any means electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any
information storage and retrieval systems, without prior written permission of
the author except where permitted by law.
The characters and events portrayed in this book are
fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and
not intended by the author.
Cover art by Robin Harper/Wicked By Design
Other books by Amanda Bennett
This Love of Mine (Raine Series
#1)
This Trust of Mine (Raine Series
#2)
This Heart of Mine (Raine Series
#3)
Misguided Heart
Beautifully Broken (Broken Series
#1)
Breaking Beautiful (Broken Series
#2)
Unbreakable Hearts (Broken Series
#3)
Time To Let Go
Coming Soon
My One Regret NOVEMBER 2013
When I Fall CHRISTMAS 2013
(All dates are subject to change)
You can find Author Amanda Bennett at the following:
www.authoramandabennett.com
www.facebook.com/authoramandabennett
www.twitter.com/AmandaBennett81
www.goodreads.com/author/show/6550967.Amanda_Bennett
This book is for anyone who has been abused, bullied or
felt as though they had nothing to live for. There is always someone out there
who will be there for you; sometimes it just takes finding the right person.
Just remember there is help out there:
Child Abuse:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
800 799 SAFE
Suicide
National Suicide
Prevention Lifeline
800 273 TALK
A huge thanks to everyone who constantly supports me and
reads my books. You all are amazing beyond belief.
A special thanks to:
Jennifer Foor (Author)
Rebecca
Donovan (Author)
Thank you for all the support.
Robin Harper (Cover Artist)
Cami Krystyniak (Editor)
You are the one that keeps me moving along, even when I
want to give up. You are an awesome editor and even more amazing best friend.
Thank you to all of my new friends on Facebook, Twitter
and Goodreads. Y'all are amazingly wonderful people.
Thank you to all the book bloggers that have helped spread
the word for all of my books, and that have taken the time to read and review
my work. I seriously couldn't have asked for better people in my life.
Everyone with The Rock Stars of Romance, Denise & Nic
with Flirty and Dirty Book Blog, Sugar and Spice Book Reviews, Into The Night
Reviews, I Heart Books, Hardcover Therapy, The Secret Book Brat, Morning After
A Good Book, Bridger Bitches book Blog, Winding Stairs Book Blog, Falling Into
Fall Book Blog, Sandwich Making Bitch Book Blog, Totally Booked, Book
Crush..just to name a few. Everyone else who has supported me, you know who you
are.
A HUGE thank you to my amazing beta readers and amazing
friends. Y'all are AH-mazing:
Mechelle Lovell-Jackson, Emma Clifton, Kayla Kennedy and
Kristy Davidson.
Table of Contents
The crisp night air rustled my soft brown tendrils,
making them tickle my cheeks, as I glanced down one last time at my bare toes
dangling over the sandy edge. The sounds of cars passing below barely
registered in my mind, as I'm thinking of the things that I no longer have
control over. Another gust of wind whips across my hyper sensitive skin,
sending chills down my spine. A slight shiver has me crossing my arms over my
chest to keep in the minimal amount of warmth still flowing through my body.
The vast Pacific Ocean looks serene and unbelievably calm at this hour and I
can't help but realize the draw people have to its embrace.
I was never one to try surfing, let alone swimming
in the ocean. I've lived in California my entire life, but I have always been
so deathly afraid of the unknown, that my body would never allow for it. It's
insignificant now. Visions of my past haunt me as I stare at least a thousand
feet below me. This is what it all has come to, a choice. A choice between
living and dying. My heart has given up, my mind has gone blank, and my body is
exhausted from living in survival mode for the last eighteen years.
For the first time since I was born, this is
my
choice, and
mine
alone. I have no connections and I won't be leaving behind
people who care. In all honesty, I have no one who will truly miss me.
I let my weightless arms fly out to my sides,
letting the wind take them with it. I feel free, and for the first time...
alive.
My lifeless eyes take one last
look at the beautiful shades of green and blue below me, and just before my
eyes flutter shut, I spot a dolphin breaking through the surface of the water.
A small smile forms across my lips, but it doesn't reach my eyes. I take it as
a sign, as I take in one last deep breath of the oceanic air. I don't squeeze
my eyes shut, as most people would in my position. I just let them close with
ease and lean forward, slow, but deliberately my feet lift from the cool hard
ground and I let my body take flight. Some may call this a copout, but I call
it freedom. For the first time
ever,
I
am free.
Seven Days Later
Riley
I cracked open my eyes just enough to catch the
sunrise break through the horizon. I know it's early, but sleep has been
evading me since I was placed on my supposed 5150 hold. It's been seven days
since I tried to end my life. Seven
long
days.
And everyday since, I have cursed the guy who took it upon himself to yank away
my choice to end my miserable existence. I lay in bed for a while staring
aimlessly at the yellowed ceiling, when suddenly I hear the inevitable knock,
signaling that it's time for morning group, and I roll my eyes in mock
anticipation.
I take my time dressing in my typical outfit of
tattered jeans and an overly big sweater. I take one last glance in the mirror,
realizing that I should probably just pull the mess of brown on top of my head,
into a high messy bun. I smirk at my appearance knowing that my
"counselor" will most likely comment on my lack of effort. I don't
care though. I stopped caring a long time ago. I've come to terms with the fact
that all I need to do is appease my counselor enough to make him believe that
I'm better, so I can be rid of this place and myself.
"Morning session, Riley. Let's go before
you're late."
Ugh, why can't they just leave me alone? I slip on
my mandated black slippers and make my way out to the main corridor. If they
really wanted people to feel better in this place, a paint job would do
wonders. The muted grey and beige make me want to vomit everyday I have to look
at them. I push my hands in my front pockets, as I head towards the group
meeting room. As I walk into the large open space, I scan the room of the all
too familiar faces. No one looks in one another's direction, I haven't figured
out why yet, but I'm not too concerned with it. Hopefully, I'll only be here
for a few more days and then I'll never have to see these people, ever again.
I take my usual seat near the back window, arms
crossed firmly over my chest and my feet tucked under me. My eyes don't glance
around the room again, until the booming of our counselor's voice echoes
through vast open space.
"Morning everybody. Looks like we are all
doing well this morning, no?"
I shake my head in disbelief. Really? Do we all
look like we are doing,
well
? An
hour, that's all I have to do, is get through the next hour. Hopefully he will
bypass me like he does every other session. My eyes are fixated on the small
black ink stain on the tile floor below me, when I hear a chair scoot back
against the floor, making a loud screeching noise. It immediately catches my
attention, and I glance up into a pair of scrutinizing eyes as blue as the
ocean. I quickly divert my attention back to the ink stain on the floor. Before
I have another second to think about the familiarity of those eyes, Mr. Rollins
clears his voice.
"Today we're going to do something a little
bit different."
This catches my attention, and I'm slowly burning
holes into Mr. Rollins’ eyes, but he continues regardless.
"Everybody is going to say something today,
but not to the entire group. Today we are going to turn to the person next to
us, and share one fact about ourselves with them. But, this one fact has to be
something you have never told anybody else before."
He's staring directly at me as he says this and the
only thing I can do is roll my eyes.
"Okay, so let's begin. Turn your chairs to the
person to whichever side you want and decide between the two of you who will go
first. There are enough of you that everyone should have a partner."
I hesitantly stand to turn my chair, knowing I will
be faced with the guy that has those amazing blue eyes and it has my stomach
turning. I reposition myself in the same position I was in, before I had to
move. I wait for him to speak, but nothing comes out. I try to resist the urge
to look up at him, but find myself doing it anyway. His eyes are questioning
and waiting, for what I'm not sure, but I'm sure as hell not going to be the
one to say something first.
I give a slight raise of my eyebrows as I find
myself, for the first time in a long time, engrossed by the face staring back
at me.
"Do you want me to go first?"
His voice is husky, but soft. It feels like a warm
blanket wrapping around my hardened soul. My reaction to this guy has me
perplexed. I've never felt emotion, except for hatred and anger, and now I'm
feeling...well, I'm not quite sure what I'm feeling. I give a nod of my head,
not wanting to speak, knowing my voice will be shaky. I cannot let this guy know
the affect he is having on me.
As I wait for him to speak again, I find myself
tracing every line and facet of his face with my eyes. He has a strong squared
jaw that leads to perfectly proportionate ears. His hair is short and
disheveled. If I had to guess, I would say he just rolled out of bed like I
did. He apparently hasn't shaved in quite some time because he has the outline
of a beard, and for some odd reason, I want to reach out and touch it. As I
make my way back up to those mesmerizing bright blue eyes with possibly the
longest black lashes I have ever seen, I catch sight of his dimples as a small
smile forms on his lips and I know from that moment on, things with this guy
will never be simple.
"Are you done?"
His voice comes out ragged, but he doesn't seem
perturbed by my actions and I'm thankful for that.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
My voice comes out barely above a whisper. Not at all how I had intended it to.
He smiles as he straightens in his chair. "I
tried to kill myself seven days ago."
His response doesn't shock me, "Haven't we
all?" I know I'm coming off mean and resentful, but that's pretty much
what we are all here for.
"Aren't we supposed to tell one another
something we have
never
told
anybody?"
His smile fades just a smidgen and I can't help but
feel victorious. "Fine, then you go."
"My mother tried to drown me when I was
three." I instantly cover my mouth. I can't believe I just told him that.
I have never spoken of my mother to anyone, especially no one in this god-forsaken
place. My honesty, as I talk to this guy scares me and I instantly regret my
words.
His hand reaches out for mine, but I instantly pull
away. I don't need his pity. I don't need anything from anybody. "Your
turn." I whisper.
"I've tried to kill myself five times since I
was twenty."
"And how old are you now?"
"Twenty-four."
I nod my head, for once acknowledging what someone
in this hellhole is telling me. My body relaxes as he looks at me, but I can't
help but feel like I know this guy. I brush it off to my constant paranoia and
focus on my intertwined fingers that are now sitting in my lap.
"You don't talk much do you?"
I shake my head, not wanting to make eye contact
with him again. Every time I look at him, words just spew from my mouth.
"Are you not going to look at me
anymore?'" His voice is now deeper and I can feel his hot minty breath
sweeping across my face. All I can do is shake my head. "Can I at least
know your name?"
Without looking up, I answer him.
"Riley."
"Riley huh? I like it. Seems to suit
you."
I quickly glance up and his face is mere inches
from mine. "How would you know what suits me? You don't even know
me."
His lips are now centimeters away from my ear and
my body is humming with his close proximity. "Because
Riley,
I plan to get to know you."
I shake my head in what I think is annoyance, but
I'm not positive. "You're sadly mistaken...whatever your name is." I
scoff and turn my body away from his.
"It's Tristan, just in case you were
wondering." I could see his smirk out of the corner of my eye.
"Well, I wasn't wondering."
I could see that he wanted to speak again, but just
as he opened his mouth Mr. Rollins cut him off.
"Okay, now everybody turn back to the middle
of the circle. Did everyone answer the other?"
Every one nodded their heads in unison, like we
were all some sort of robot programmed to do so.
"Now, I would like each person to stand up and
introduce themselves and tell us exactly what brought you here." There was
a resounding grunt that echoed through the room. "I know, you are all here
for the same reason, but I would like you to explain, not in detail if you
don't want to, but tell us exactly what you
did
that brought you here. Let's start with you."
Mr. Rollins’ finger was pointed directly at me and
I couldn't help the tremble that ran through me. Every session Mr. Rollins had
tried to get me to speak up, and every session, I had refused.
"I know it's hard, but we are all here to
support you. There is no judgment here." His voice was oddly comforting
and I opened my mouth to speak, but my words were failing me.
"I...well." I straightened my posture,
but didn't glance around the room. I didn't need to see the looks on everyone's
face as I told them my story. "My name is Riley and I tried to kill myself
by...um...jumping off of a cliff. Obviously, it didn't work though." I saw
Tristan's body stiffen next to me and I couldn't help but wonder what his
reaction meant. Had he tried the same thing? Did he actually understand how I
felt? And did I honestly care?
"Good Riley, thank you for opening up.
Tristan, you seemed to have a reaction to this, do you want to go next?"
"Sure." Ah, and there was that velvety
voice again. "I'm Tristan and I tried to kill myself by driving my car
into the ocean. Luckily, someone saw it all happen and pulled me out."
I listened intently to every word that is coming
out of his beautiful mouth, but I didn't respond. He was actually happy and
thankful that someone saved him, and I on the other hand, wished with every
fiber of my being that whomever saved me, would've just let me plummet to my
death.