Emmerson's Heart (19 page)

Chapter 18

****Present****

I stood looking out the window at the yard that was turning green with life. It was quiet with Emmy tucked out by Ben and the others hadn’t come home or complained that she wasn’t at the lunch. Taking her home was the best thing for her. And I had to. Not Marc, who wanted to. It should have been me. No matter what anyone thought, she needed me and I needed her. After her little outburst of guilt at the church, I knew I needed to be the one who picked her up and brought her home. For how horrible I had been to her over the past few months, she needed me to be the one who brought her home and hold her for a change. 

“Paul?” Becky’s sweet voice filled the room as she rubbed her hand down my back. Since the night of the accident, she had been there for me through my temper tantrums, my sulking, drinking, and my angry days. It hadn’t been easy with me either. I know that and so did she. And since Emmy had come home, I hadn’t touched Becky at all. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t even sleep by her
knowing that Emmy was in all that pain and hurt so deep that nothing could ever fix it. I just was surprised that Becky lasted this long with me. Hell, I was surprised she had wanted anything to do with me since Emmy had come to live with us. “She will be fine. She’s a fighter. She will get through this.”

“No
; no she won’t. She didn’t have to get up there and tell everyone that she had killed him. She didn’t cause the accident.” Seeing her up there with all the tears and the pain that was enough to fill the church ten times hurt me so much. More than even losing my dad. With her being the one in that accident with my dad, I knew that would damn near kill her for as much as she loved him.

Overhearing her talking to Marc, I knew what she was talking about. I knew what she was saying when she said she didn’t want to be there. I could tell in a heartbeat with her, but then again, I knew her
. Marc, he had no clue. He couldn’t see what she was really saying.

“No, but she loved you all so much that she did it to let everyone know what happened. She loves you, Paul. She loves you so much and when she looked at you, I saw it.” Reaching up on her toes, she kissed my cheek. “You love her, don’t you?”

“Of course I do. She’s Emmer.” In a sense that was so far more than anyone ever knew. Well, someone had known and made damn sure that nothing ever happened with it.

“I mean
in
love, Paul. You are in love with her.”

Clearing my throat, I looked out at the vast emptiness that my dad loved so much knowing he would never walk that earth again. If the roles had
been reversed and Emmy was the one that had met her fate in the accident, I wouldn’t have any doubt he would have gone crazy. He was like that with her. I don’t know why he really was, but he was exactly what she needed in her life. It angered me that I wasn’t that person. I wasn’t that one that she needed so badly. I loved her so much. I would have done anything for her. I would have walked through fire for only her. But, no. It had to be my dad that was the one person that she had really needed in her life. 

“It’s okay, Paul. I know that you do just by the way you look
ed at her when she was here.” Her voice softened as she pulled away from me to wrap herself in her own arms. “Don’t be afraid and don’t pull away from her. Not anymore. You need to talk to her and let her know.”

“I should have never started looking at her as someone more than a sister.” Biting my lip, I shoved my hands deep into my pockets
to feel that photo of me and her in there. That damn photo that I had been carrying around with me since she had come home. I had to. It was all I really had left of her.

“I know that you love me, but your heart belongs to her. It always has. Don’t hide it any more, Paul. Go to her and tell her. Tell yourself.” Wrapping her arms around me, she hugged me tightly one last time. “I will always love you, Paul. Always.”

“I do love you, Becky.”

“Yeah, I know. But it’s her that has that wonderful heart of yours and she is going to need it now more than ever.” Letting a few tears slip out, she sighed a little. “I think that I am going to go back to the lunch for a bit and see if Connie needs any more help.”

“I was going to propose to you at Christmas and marry you, Becky. That’s why she didn’t want to come home.”

“I know that
, too. I saw the ring in your drawer.” Her teary eyes softened as she smiled a little. “It wasn’t for me, Paul. When you bought it, it was for her. She was on your mind when you did. It fits her perfectly. She is the one that needs to be wearing it. Not me.”

“You are amazing, Becky.” Hugging her one last time, I pressed my lips to her forehead
as I took in the scent of the fresh berries. “Don’t ever be afraid to come out and see us.”

“I won’t. I think that Emmy and I would be friends. I hope
, anyway. She’s a good girl.” The tears trickled down her face a little more. “Paul, when we had made love all those times, you weren’t thinking of me, were you?”

My heart pained hard in my chest
, dropping to my stomach. No, I hadn’t. It was the only way that I could make love to Becky. The only way was to shut my eyes and start imagining Emmy there. When I didn’t answer, she had known the truth.

“Go. Don’t think about it. Don’t ponder about it. And don’t talk yourself out of it. You love her, Paul. Go and get her. Marry her and hold her hand through this.” Pulling away from me, Becky grabbed her small black purse off the kitchen counter and walked out without another word.

I had stayed at the house for a little longer until I had gone down to my place, letting the staleness slap me hard. It had been a long time since I had been there and it was due for a good cleaning. Heading into my bedroom, I sat on the edge of my bed while running my hands through my hair. Seeing Emmy up there in front of everyone, letting all that hurt out, all that guilt out, nothing had ever cut me deeper. Becky was right. I did love her.

Opening up the small drawer of the nightstand, I pulled out the little maroon velvet box and just looked at it. The day that I had picked it out, I had seen who
se hand this would only belong to. It wasn’t Becky’s. Not Becky’s at all. I had just told myself that it would be fine there. And every time that I would look at it on her finger, I would always wish that it had been on Emmy’s.

The very day that I had been in the city and I had stopped at the jewelry store, the constant pit in my stomach had brought me to an all-time low. Picking out a ring should be a good thing, but for me, it was torture. I loved Becky and it was the only way to make sure that I
kept Emmy at a safe enough distance away from me. When I had gotten in there, I had looked and looked; having only one catch my eye, the perfect one. As I had stood there with my eyes closed, I had that feeling, that feeling of completeness rushing through me while envisioning the hand that I would slide it on, that slender finger. Nope, it wasn’t Becky’s hand either. That was how I picked out the ring in the first place. That was exactly why I had bought the damn thing.

Tucking the box deep into my pocket, I felt the lump fill in my throat. Heading down to the barn, I had replayed everything in my mind. Would Emmy even love me? Maybe she didn’t even look at me like that, like I had her all the time. That kiss that I had given to her the weekend before Thanksgiving, nothing ever hit me more than that. Nothing had just been so right and so wonderful as it was that second that my lips were on hers, but that look
afterward… That look of shock, maybe fear.

Just like the faithful dog-horse that he was, Ben was right there greeting me as I had come over to the girl crying in the straw. Taking a seat by the bales, I pulled her to me
and cuddled her in my arms.

“Paul, I am so sorry.” Tucking her head under my chin, I swallowed hard
as I felt the pain coming from her. “I loved him so much. I really did.”

“I know that you did, Emmy.”

“Right before the truck had hit us, we were talking about you. He was trying to bring me home and he was sorry that he sheltered me. I think that he knew I didn’t want to come home because I was so hurt over what you said.”

“I never meant a word of it, Emmy. I never did.”

“He was trying to tell me to talk to you. I was scared to. I was scared to find that you were going to marry someone else. I don’t hate her, Paul, I don’t. I was just losing my best friend.”

“Well, it’s not going to happen, Emmy. Get that out of your head.” Feeling the box pressing in against my thigh, I just wanted to take it out and slide it on her finger, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I didn’t deserve her. Not after the pain that I had put her through at Thanksgiving. I would never be good enough for her. No one would be.

“God, Paul. It hurts so bad.” The wail of cries came out of her as she buried herself deep into my shoulder. Tears had come to my own eyes knowing just how she had felt. “I miss him so much. I miss him. I can’t….I can’t….God. Why? I need him, Paul. I need him so much.”

What could I say? It was an accident. He had given his life to save her. Not one person knew that snowstorm was going to hit like that. No one did. If he had heard anything about it, he would have left sooner. What
happened was no one’s fault but my own. He had told me to distance myself from her and I did. I did so much that I pushed her away from the family.

“I just want to go back. I want to go back. Please.” My heart was shredding even more
as those words rushed from her. Hell, she didn’t want to even be by me. I knew my words had hurt her in the worst way imaginable, but there was no way that I could take them back. No way. If she had only known what I had said the night Rob had called with the news, she would leave and never look back. I didn’t mean a damn word of them either. Rob said he hoped I choked on my words, and I was.

Chapter 19

****Present****

Emmerson

All damn day, people were in and out of the house. I had seen ones that I don’t even remember, ones that said how it was so great to see me again, but I must have known them. Sitting there, I hated the way that they had looked at me. I couldn’t bear to look at myself, so how could they? When that whole football team had come in all together, I just wanted to hide. I didn’t want them to see me looking like this. Not after what Paul had said. I was ugly. I was horrible looking and I hated it. I hated every time that I had looked in the mirror.

I had to just push it away. I had to keep it out of my mind for now. Later, I could hate myself. Later, I could cry out the pain when no one was there. Rob was sitting tucked to my right as the rest of the team that he had played with filled the living room. Greg, though—Greg had sat to my right with his arm around me. A great guy who could get someone that wasn’t embarrassing to take out on a date. I knew what they were doing. I had tutored them and got them through their senior year and they had all still appreciated it.

“Would anyone like something to drink?” Connie called out from the kitchen with that smile on her face. I knew that she had called them. I knew that she wanted them to come and see me.

“We are great, Mrs. Huck.” Greg cleared his throat and smiled. “I have to say that I missed the hell out of you.”

“He’s not lying, either.” Jeff chuckled as he rested his elbows on his knees
while sitting on the fireplace ledge. “This fool has passed up so many girls at school, it’s not even funny.”

Looking over at Greg, my heart thumped hard. He had been the one that had taken me on my first date while the parents were on their cruise. Somehow, Jackson had found out about it and threatened to shoot him if he had touched me. Talk about a fight.
We had argued for what felt like hours over that one.

“Why would you do that?”

“I told you that I would be waiting for you. I still am, Babe.” He kissed my cheek and grinned.

“Don’t even think that he’s not, Emmy.” Jeff yawned and stretched out his arms. “We all want you, so you have your pick of the litter.”

“I’m nothing, you guys. I am just a girl that helped you all out.” The tears had stung my eyes. I didn’t want anyone. I didn’t have any feelings except friendship with these guys. The one guy that I had loved so much had barely looked at me since I had been home. And the more that his girlfriend was around, the more that I had seen that she was perfect for him. I needed to just let go of him. I had to. He deserved her. Not to count, she loved him so much.

“You’re more than that, Emmy!” Becker Freemont belted out as he cupped my knee. “We all love you.”

“I appreciate it. I do.” Biting my lip, I felt the pain strumming through me again. These guys were all great guys and girls would be lucky to have any one of them, Greg especially. Resting my head on his shoulder, I tucked my left hand under the blankets making sure that no one had touched it. Jackson still had my hand. It was his and I didn’t want anyone else to touch it yet. I missed him. I missed him so much. Why did he have to leave me? Why did he leave me?

“Well, we should get going. You need to get some rest.” Greg let out a deep breath as he wrapped his arms around me. “I love you, Emmy. When you are ready, I will be right here.”

“You told me that before.”

“I mean it. I’m still waiting.” Kissing my cheek again, he brushed his fingers against my other one and sighed. “Don’t ever think that you are not beautiful, Emmy, because you are. You are something else.”

As we watched every one leave, Rob stayed by my side as I let my tears go. Everyone had been so good telling me that I had looked just as beautiful, if not more than I had before the accident. It hurt. I was nothing but a monster to these people that had loved me so much, that cared for me. And there I was looking at them, letting them hold me, take care of me, when they had no right to do so. It was all my fault that night. It was and I knew that it was.

“Did you want anything, kiddo?” His voice was low and soft as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders pulling me to him. He certainly was no Paul, but I liked this Rob. I did. Lately, he seemed to be like my old Paul, but that was someone that I would never see again. God, how
I missed him, too. I missed my best friend. Not once had I seen him at the hospital while I was there, but if he had been, I hadn’t remembered. Some of that was still pretty foggy and there had been some people that I hadn’t remembered that were there and they would remind me that they visited. Connie mostly, but she had reminded me in such a way that didn’t make me feel like such a jerk.

“Would you help me out to see Ben for a little bit?” I could see the questions in his eyes, knowing that I just couldn’t be out there too much right now. Connie had said that I needed my rest, but I wanted to see him. Some days, he was out the back patio doors where I could watch him and at night, he was outside of my bedroom window.

“Let me talk to Mom and Paul and I will see what I can do.” Kissing my head, he smiled as he stood and fixed the blanket over me. I better get out and help with the chores.”

Watching him walk out, my heart sank a little more. There was a time I enjoyed being out in the barn until I was forced to come into the house. I loved working there, loved everything, even getting dirty and stinking half the day away, but now, I wasn’t anything
. How could I work out there with Paul constantly around? It was breaking my heart that he didn’t want me around at all. I just….needed him so much right now. I needed him to help me deal with the pain I held deep inside over losing Jackson.

It still hurt so much and I just….I miss
ed Jackson so very much. Every picture I looked at of that man, made me regret not coming home when I should have. All because of what? I was mad Paul was going to propose to Becky? He was my best friend, the one who saved my life. I should have just swallowed it and came home anyway. But what he said to me on Thanksgiving, those words he used, I just couldn’t.

Now, I ha
d to live with the last time anyone would ever get to see Jackson. I was the reasoning behind the accident. It was all my fault. It was something I could never forgive myself for doing. I didn’t want to come back to the only place that had ever been a home to me to face the pain of what Paul would cause. Maybe it was all because I was in love with him. Jackson asked before we had the accident, if I loved Paul with all my heart. I did. I really did. I knew that now and I could see that with everything I had been through. Paul was my world. Paul was my reason for living.

“Emmy?” Marc’s soft voice filtered through the living room
, breaking my thoughts. Hot tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked up at him, into those soft and compassionate brown eyes that I had seen every day since I walked out at Thanksgiving. He was handsome. Complete opposite of Paul with the dress pants and business shirts, but looked just as good as Paul did in his torn jeans and stained tee shirts. “I saw that Rob’s friends were here to see you.”

What could I say? The lump was so thick in my throat I couldn’t even hammer up a simple nod without busting out into a complete storm again.

Loosening the knot in the black tie, he slid onto the couch next to me and put his arm around me. “If I could take some of that pain away for you, I would.”

“I….miss…him….” And that was what brought the hurricane force of tears out and the breathless cries of my heart shattering into millions of pieces again.

“I know you do.” Pulling the tie over his head, he tossed it onto the coffee table and eased my battered body closer to him. “I was thinking today….” His hand cupped my sore shoulder as his other placed my head on his chest so he could run his fingers through my hair. “And talking to Mom. What would you think about coming home with me for a while? Do you think that would help you a little more?”

“I…can’t…leave…him.” Letting myself fall into his chest, I cried even more feeling every bruise and every scar in my body. Nothing ever hurt this much in my life. Maybe it was a good idea for me to go back home with Marc instead of staying at the ranch. Being around Paul seemed to make matters worse and brought more pain into me with his comments
. And Becky…that was another story.

Having her around was like pouring a container of salt into my fresh wounds and grinding it in. She was really working it with helping Connie with cooking, housekeeping, and whatever she could with me, but I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand having the woman that would have my best friend hating me there and helping me. I hated her perfectionism, her peppiness, and her so caring attitude. It made me sick. And the way Paul would come in and put his arm around her. No, that should be me. I needed that to be me. I needed it to be me that he kissed, held, and loved. I needed him and she was always
there to stop it. He was completely different when she was at the house and I hated her for it. I hated her so much.

“Emmy, please. You are really breaking my heart here.” Curling his fingers deep into my hair, he let out a loud breath with a hint of sadness. I knew how he felt when I would start my crying fits. He told me, but he also held me more. A few times, I caught him on the phone breaking plans because of me when I would start in about school. Since that nasty Thanksgiving, Marc was starting to become my Paul, my lifeline, my reason for not just losing everything. “I want you to really think about coming to stay with me for a while. I know you want to be close to Jackson here, but I think it will help. With Paul’s attitude since you have come back….”

“I don’t want to be here…..I don’t want to be here at all anymore.” Jackson was the best man I ever met and now I didn’t have him there with me anymore. He was gone along with his overbearing, loving, caring, sheltering things he did. And I did it to him. He always said I would be the death of him and I was. I really was.

What did I do?

I killed him.

Jackson should be the one sitting here with his family and I should be the one that they put in the ground. These people were his family. These people loved him and needed him also. No, I took him away. He gave his life to protect me in that accident. I caused him to die. I killed him and I would have to live with that every day.

“I will plan on taking you home with me then. I think that it will do you good.” Marc’s soft touch made me just want to cry even more. That touch used to come from Paul. Paul used to be the one I sat with on those nights I had those nightmares. He used to be the one that would sit awake and convince me to fall asleep again, but now Paul was gone. He hated me and all I had was Marc to help me through this.

It wasn’t like the others hadn’t been supportive, loving, or caring. But I was the reason why Jackson wasn’t there anymore. I was that sole reason. And it was all because I loved Paul so much and more than I ever should have.

It hurt so bad when he said what he did on Thanksgiving. To look me in the eye and tell me he was sorry to ever find me that night. I saw the pain in his eyes, deep in his heart. He was truly regretting following those instincts and finding me in the bitter cold full of blood. But, he said it and regretted it. And that, I don’t know if that pain would ever mend.

Just because of that and the whole Becky thing, I decided to stay at the college and begin pulling myself from the family. Nothing ever compared to that pain he put inside of me. But Marc was there. Marc had come over to see how I was doing and he was there to talk me through those nights when the girls in my dorm were being mean. Marc was the one that was there when I opened my eyes in the hospital, sat with me hour after hour
while talking to me and telling me it would be okay.

To hear the news about Jackson, to hear that he didn’t even make it for when the helicopter had come, I would have rather lived with the wrath of my father than to know that, to ever hear again that Jackson was gone because of me. But Marc was there. Marc had stayed with me to help me through the pain, the news, and the devastation of losing both my best friend and the only man who deemed worthy of being labeled as a true dad.

“Emmy, Honey. Please….” His voice cracked a little as he rested his cheek on the top of my head. “You are breaking my heart. Please….”

“I don’t want to be here. Marc……I just want….to go….I don’t want to be here.”
All the memories around, the photos that Becky put around the house, they was a constant reminder of what I did to this family. I didn’t deserve to be there anymore. I didn’t deserve to be alive. Not after stealing Will’s lunches those days when I was starving, having Paul regret the night he saved my life after the torture of my own father, and not after taking Jackson away from the family, his family that loved him so much. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I couldn’t do it anymore.

I just miss
ed him so much.

I
sat on the couch day after day, wanting to just wake up from this nightmare and wishing it was just that. A nightmare. But when that kitchen door opened and Jackson didn’t walk in, it shatters my world more and more to the point where I just didn’t want to breathe anymore.

“Alright,
Honey. I will talk to Mom and tell her that I am going to bring you home with me for a while. I would really like to have you there with me. I can rearrange my schedule and I think that this will be good for you….”