Dear Drama (15 page)

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Authors: Braya Spice

BOOK: Dear Drama
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“Sorry, baby.”
I used my hands to stroke up and down his dick in quick movements. Then I licked between strokes until he was shaking. I placed a hand over his mouth when I squeezed my lips together because I didn't want him to yell and wake the baby.
When his cum busted out from his dick, I took it. I swallowed it like it was a smoothie.
He threw his head back and said, “Man, I love you, Allure.”
I just laughed and got comfortable in his arms.
Later that night we talked.
“Listen, I know I made a lot of mistakes, but I am so happy you gave me another chance to make things right, Allure.”
He traced the shape of my lips with his finger before kissing me.
I smiled.
“I'd be a damn fool, giving up a woman like you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm just glad I realized that in time. You helped me grow up and look at what is important in life. Being a man, being about my word. I always think when I look at Jeremiah, what if I didn't have the chance to be in Jeremiah's life?”
“Whether we are together or not, James, I'd still let you see your son. I'd never take that away from you.”
He kissed my forehead. “That's why I love you so much. It's the kind of woman you are. You work so hard. You take good care of Sierra and now Jeremiah. You have always had a lot on your shoulders, and you keep it moving without much complaining. Most women couldn't handle all that you do, baby. Then it's other things about you I love. How you really make a big effort to please me. I may not always say it, but I see it. Half the time I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but you let me ride my point out without making me look stupid. You show me that you value me. You let me feel like a man. And you're just so sweet. I see a lot of you in Sierra too. I can't believe nobody snatched you up before I got you. I see why your baby father damn near lost his mind over you. I'd bet he'd do anything he could to get you back.”
But would you?
I thought.
If you see all good, just give that good back by just loving me and doing right by us. That's all I ask.
I didn't need anything else but this, what he was giving me now. The way it was now was certainly good enough for me.
“This is all I ever wanted, James. A home and a healthy environment for my daughter and son. And to be loved.”
“You don't ask for much.”
“So if you know that, then you know to do right.”
“Baby, I am. Like I said, I'm fortunate you even bother to fool with me. You, Sierra, and Jeremiah, y'all three are blessings. I can't say that enough.”
I kissed him slowly, using my tongue.
“Don't get me started again,” he murmured.
He ended up making love to me again. This time I cried, because I believed James really loved me in that moment and that he really wanted to be here.
When I woke up the next morning, James kissed me on my lips and grabbed one of my bared titties. Then he whispered, “Last night was good, baby. Real good. You know I want some more of that when I come home today, right?”
I smiled.
“Look at you, still bashful.” He gave me a wink and grabbed his jacket. “Give Jeremiah and Sierra a kiss for me. I'm running late.”
“Okay.”
Jeremiah must still be knocked out, because I didn't hear a peep from him. I got up and searched for my robe. I wanted to put it on just in case Sierra ran into the room. I didn't want her to see me in my birthday suit.
When I didn't see it, I instead grabbed James's T-shirt that was lying on the floor near the bed. I slipped it on. “Sierra!” I called.
“Coming, Mommy!”
I tiptoed over to Jeremiah's crib, not wanting to wake him if he was asleep but wanting to get a peek at my baby. It was always exciting to wake up each day to my new baby. The feeling hadn't gone away yet.
I leaned over his crib and smiled at his cute little face. I rubbed one of my fingers along his feet under the blanket. They were cold. My eyes narrowed.
I pressed my face closer to his face so I could feel his breath on my cheek.
I didn't feel it. Something was wrong with my baby.
I placed my hand on his little chest, over his heart. It wasn't beating.
“Sierra!” I pulled Jeremiah from the crib. My baby still wasn't breathing.
Sierra came running into the room. “What's wrong, Mommy?”
“Call nine-one-one! Now!”
I laid my baby on the bed. With shaking hands, I used my two fingers to pump his heart, and I also gave my baby my breath, sobbing and screaming wildly as I did this, so loudly that Sierra ran from room.
A few seconds later I heard her tell someone, “We need help! Help my mommy!”
I screamed and continued to pump my baby's chest and breathe into his little mouth.
But I wasn't God, so I could not save someone who was already gone, and my baby was gone.
Chapter 20
SIDS. Sudden infant death syndrome. That was what killed my baby. My little Jeremiah died in his sleep. That was what made me hurt inside, made little Sierra cry that she lost her brother, and made James refuse to eat and find it hard to sleep. He had an even harder time at the funeral. Funny ... you could experience joy for a moment, but then it got snatched away real quick, almost quicker than the joy came. That was something, because it could take a while for joy to come into your life. But there were no time periods in life where pain was void in coming.
There was nothing much that could be said to change what had happened. I appreciated my family's and friends' thoughtful wishes, but they wouldn't make little Jeremiah's heart beat again. It wasn't their fault that this was the case, so I smiled graciously and accepted the casseroles, cakes, and pies that piled up on the kitchen table, uneaten. I tried to find a way to be optimistic about life without Jeremiah in it, because I had no choice. Being down was not going to bring him back. It would just keep me down. And I still had Sierra. I had to smile for her. I had to give James that reassuring pat on the back and tell him that everything would be okay, that we'd get through this, even if the day before he snatched his back away. I was gonna always offer that comfort to him because I loved him, even if he didn't offer it to me. Eventually, he would feel like it was okay to feel again, okay to smile and laugh, even though little Jeremiah wasn't here. But neither of us would ever be the same. It just wasn't possible.
I dragged James with Sierra and me to a therapist that dealt with loss and grief. I thought it was a good idea for us to see her together.
“What are you going to miss about Jeremiah the most, Sierra?” the therapist asked her during our counseling appointment.
The whole time James sat there with a frown on his face. In fact, lately all he had was a frown on his face. A frown I couldn't take off, 'cause he wouldn't let me ... in.
“I'm gonna miss the way he smelled always like baby powder and the way he sucked his thumb.” She had a sad look in her eyes. It broke my heart. I tried my hardest not to cry. My hardest. “I'll even miss him when his diaper stinks, 'cause it used to stink, huh, Mommy?”
I laughed softly and looked at James.
He gave me a sharp look. “This is bullshit!” He jerked his body off the chair and rushed out of the room.
Before I could go after him, the therapist said, “Let him go, Allure.”
So I did.
He refused to show up for our next appointment. When I confronted him, he had an attitude.
“That bitch ain't doing shit for us but bringing in an extra bill.”
“She showing us how to deal with this, 'cause what you doing ain't helping, baby. You have to grieve. You holding it all in—”
“Bitch, don't give me that grieving shit.”
My eyes widened. He had never, ever spoken to me that way before. He had never called me out my name or raised his voice at me. It hurt. I was going through pain too. But it was like he didn't see that this was killing me as well. All he was thinking about was himself. Part of me wondered if he blamed me for Jeremiah's death. Countless times I had placed the blame on myself. Wishing that I had checked on him sooner than I did. Maybe if I had, he would still be there. But the pain of losing him, the guilt, and the hatred James seemed to now have for me were just too much.
He refused to meet my shocked, hurt gaze. I turned my back on him, slipped into our bedroom, and closed the door behind me.
 
 
“I'm sorry, baby.” Later that night James lay next to me in bed as I lay on my side. He was rubbing all over my body, but I didn't want sex. It was the last thing on my mind.
Still, I didn't fight him when he pulled my nightgown over my head and started kissing me so roughly, I couldn't breathe. I pulled away, but he was stronger and flipped me onto my stomach.
Before I could stop him, he jammed his dick in my pussy so roughly, I whimpered. I tried to pull away, but he gripped both my thighs and I ended up with my face buried in the mattress.
He slid out and pumped back in, using all his strength. He was hurting me. I couldn't believe he would treat me this way. And I accepted it like I deserved it. Like this was my punishment for Jeremiah dying. For James's pain.
I cried and gripped the comforter in my hands. He entered me sharply again, and I cried out in pain. Then he froze.
“What the hell am I doing?” He released my thighs and tried to hug me, but I snatched away from him and curled in a ball.
“I'm sorry, baby.”
But the damage was done. I had been taken somewhere I had already been with Greg. This was something I had shared with James, and he had done me the same way. So his “sorry” couldn't do much to fix the situation.
He rose from the bed, pulled his pants back on, and left the room and the house. I didn't stop him.
He never came back. He left me and Sierra. A few days later his brother came to collect his things.
 
 
Following the breakup, James pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. No call, no show, no nothing. As if Sierra and I had never existed. Pride forced me not to call him, although I wanted to. I was so hurt. I mean, my son had died, and now the man that had vowed never to leave me or hurt me had. I knew I had to will myself to be done with him. He was no good for me. Truth was, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to remain alone, get back into the church, maybe even find a hobby. I handled all my responsibilities to a T. I was passing all my classes, going to work every day, and Sierra was safe, healthy, and well loved.
It seemed that no matter how busy and overwhelming my life got, there was still a void, this severely depressing feeling about being alone that seemed to be with me often. This void kept me up at night, crying and miserable. And I just couldn't ride it out. I felt I had to be with someone. To be honest, the turnaround time after James was really quick. I knew it was too soon, but I was lonely and desperately and wanted someone in my life. The time I spent with other men was when Sierra was with her father on the weekends. I even called Derek, hoping he would still have an interest in me. But he informed me that he now had a woman.
My mother wanted me to just take a break from men after what I had been through, but I chose not to listen. But what I did do was forbid myself from being so into one man, from sharing so much of myself, from showing my vulnerabilities.
I started seeing two men. One was named Andre. He was thirty and was an aspiring singer who worked as a cop. A cop! I was dating a man in blue. I met him on the job. I was speeding down the 710, and his ass got me, so it was either a ticket or his number. Happily, I took the latter, 'cause he wasn't bad looking. And I didn't exactly have 150 bucks to spare for the ticket. The other one's name was Bryce. He was a welder I met at the mall. He was a church boy who went faithfully every Sunday.
I hoped something came of one of these relationships. All I wanted was to feel like I was important to somebody. Find some way to get rid of this ache I was feeling inside. A good man was what I sought. No games, either. I needed to make sure that I was careful, that I protected my heart. I tried my best not to get attached to either one of these guys.
See, Bryce appealed to my sensibilities from a physical standpoint, and he was so laid back. Bryce would invite me over his house and cook me breakfast and flex, while Andre would sing a song to me that made me swoon and then talk to me about politics. About how it frustrated him that our black family structure had been so destroyed. So I kept them both around. As both relationships progressed, to tell the truth, I realized that I liked Bryce the best, and thus I spent the most time with him. Bryce had an edge. I was also more attracted to Bryce. He always looked neater and more clean-cut. Andre, on the other hand, often looked sloppy and was always sweating. The only time he looked neat was when he was in his police uniform. But he still sweated even with it on.
As I felt myself getting closer to Bryce, I knew I had to tread cautiously. And not fall in love too quickly. Not give all of myself, but make him earn me. Look at what had happened between James and me. The best way to avoid a repeat of that was not to put all my time into one guy. But for the moment, Bryce was doing it for me, which caused me to give him a little more of my time than I gave Andre. But it didn't stop Andre from constantly calling.
 
 
I smiled and stared at Bryce across the table. We were dining at M & M. I was seeing Bryce more and more every week. And it was going good as hell. We had spent the majority of our date talking about my past relationship with James. I knew I said it was better not to discuss my past, but I felt comfortable with Bryce.
“I like you a lot, Allure. And I can't believe somebody would do the shit that that fool James did to you. You are really something special. Just what I need.”
“Wow, that's really sweet. How is it that no woman has been able to luck up on you?”
“These women nowadays are ...” I smiled when he shook his head.
I laughed. “We not that bad,” I said, disagreeing.
“Shiiit. A woman nowadays will get your number, call you, invite you over, fuck the shit out of you, send your black ass home, and never call you again. And then, when you get up the courage to call her, she acts like you bugging her.”
I burst out laughing when he said that. 'Cause I had a friend like that: Creole.
A few minutes later the waiter took our order. I ordered the pork chops, rice, gravy and greens and he ordered the oxtails and rice. It was a good meal and with good company.
After dinner Bryce drove me home and walked me to my door. I knew he was going to try to be slick and get into my pants. So I was ready for him. I had been seeing Bryce for a couple months, and I thought it was too soon to go there.
My cell phone rang. I looked at the number. It was Andre. I didn't answer.
Bryce shoved me up against my door.
“Behave, Bryce.”
“Don't wear that dress anymore.” He started kissing me and said between kisses, “I been wanting to do this all day.”
He managed to get in a couple more kisses before I pulled away and told him to go home. I turned to unlock my door.
He slapped me on my ass and said, “Damn, girl. You gonna make me fall in love with you.”
I pecked his lips one more time.
“I like that you're making me wait, though. It shows you're a classy lady.” He winked and walked down my porch steps.
“Good night.” I watched him walked out of the gate.

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