Dear Drama (19 page)

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Authors: Braya Spice

BOOK: Dear Drama
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I thought about Andre's ass. Again, I asked myself how I could not have known this man was a damn crackhead. Was him inviting me to dinner like a coming-out party? I needed to forget about it. I knew that what was done was done. I had to pick up the pieces and move on. More importantly, I was glad I had found out about him and Bryce when I did, and not later. That was the good part about both situations.
Chapter 24
When it rains, it pours. My baby girl, my 1994 baby blue Honda Civic, gave out on me today. Since my sister spent the night with my black ass in my distraught state, she offered to take Sierra to the babysitter and pick her up for me. I called my boss and told her I wouldn't be going to work today so I could see about my car. I was going to wait for my mechanic's shop to open and have it towed there. I hoped it wouldn't be too expensive to fix. I put on my cheerful smile and dressed Sierra in a pink jumper and put her thick hair in two puff balls. I ate cereal with her. I didn't much taste mine but acted like it was the best damn bowl of cereal I had ever had, 'cause Sierra had poured it in the bowl for me and I wanted her to enjoy hers. When we finished, I gave her a big kiss, then watched Crystal and her leave.
A few minutes later I jumped in the shower, hoping to shake my somber mood, but couldn't. I had soaped up and was rinsing off when I heard somebody knocking on my door.
With all that had happened, from Bryce and me to Andre being a drug addict, I freaked out. “Goddamn it, what is it now! Is some fucking body going to kill me?” I yelled, flinging my arms. I felt like I was going crazy.
I quickly rinsed the rest of the soap off of me, hopped out, wiped the water off my face, blinked, then pulled on my bathrobe.
But I didn't go to no damn door. I grabbed my cordless and peered out the window, just in case it was a damn lunatic. I had several on my list to choose from. I figured I could call the police.
When I discovered who it was, my heartbeat slowed down, because it wasn't Greg, Bryce, or Andre. It was James.
I didn't feel fear when I saw him, but more of a longing.
I smoothed my hair back. It didn't look too bad, since I had had it freshly done for the dinner/crack party with Andre. I took a deep breath, opened the door slowly, and stared at him.
He struggled with his mouth, like he didn't know whether to smile or frown at me, or at himself maybe.
I didn't do either, just clasped my hands behind my back and looked at him with a quizzical expression that translated as “What the hell do you want?” Instantly, I wondered why he was at my doorstep and what he could possibly say after leaving Sierra and me, like we didn't mean anything to him, when we were going through something as well. James wasn't the only one hurt by Jeremiah's death. But James couldn't see past his own pain. He was selfish.
He finally smiled at me, and he shoved his hands into his slacks.
I bit my bottom lip.
Still no words from either of us.
It felt awkward.
I cleared my throat and scratched my scalp, careful not to mess up my hair.
He coughed.
I broke the silence. “Why are you here?”
He curved an arm around my waist and gently moved me from the doorway and strolled inside like he owned the place. He had always been a cocky motherfucker.
Before, I never stopped him, and I didn't stop him now. Because I still loved him.
We didn't even sit, just faced each other. It reminded me of that time he came over to confront me about Greg, how he was on a mission to get me. My, had things changed since then.
I stared into his smoky brown eyes and repeated my question. “You still haven't answered my question, James. Why are you here?”
He stepped closer to me, grabbed my chin in his right palm, lifted my face, studied it. He saw the scar in the corner of my mouth, where Bryce had slapped me. The scar left by my wound that needed stitches. I knew it would never fade and would serve as a memory of that night. I still remembered the pain of his ring slicing into my flesh.
“How did you get this?”
I shook my head and tried to push his hand away. I didn't wanna talk about that night ever.
The grip on my chin tightened.
“Did that muthafucka do this to you?”
I knew he was asking about Greg.
I shook my head. “No, he didn't, and I don't want to talk about it.”
He frowned like he wanted to press the issue. But he said instead, “Okay. It don't take away from nothing, Allure. You're still beautiful, baby. You always will be.”
I didn't say anything to that.
Then he reached over and kissed the scar gently, making my heart flutter, because it felt like old times.
His lips slid over and found mine, and he kissed me again.
At first, I didn't respond, but he moved in on me, invaded my space by stepping between my legs and holding my waist. He started nipping on my bottom lip, pecking the top, sliding his tongue around my teeth, my tongue. He started rubbing on my body. My terrycloth robe seemed invisible. I could feel the heat of his fingers like I was completely naked. His hand grabbed my butt; then his fingertips glided up and down my thighs. He kissed me on my neck until I moaned. His hands groped my breasts and teased my nipples.
I put my hands on his cheeks, pulled his face down to me for a kiss.
I allowed him to open my robe, let him back me into the living room wall. He crouched down, pulled my thighs apart, spread my pussy lips, and kissed my pussy like he had my mouth. Wetting his lips with his tongue, he kissed it again, creating that same heat his tongue would have. I moaned and clenched my hands over his waves. He flicked his tongue around my pussy lips, smoothed my juices with his finger, allowed my lips to get real wet, shiny, creamy with my cum, and then licked it all off. His finger stroked deep inside me, one, then two, while his mouth sucked on my clit. His fingers did a quick movement, and I felt like I was going to pee on myself, but instead cum seeped out of me and dripped on my thighs.
James rose to his feet, wrapped my legs around his waist, lifted me, and carried me just like that into the bedroom. He laid me on the bed and swiftly stripped out of his clothes. He played with my naked body some more, touching my hard nipples, putting his mouth on them, flicking his fingers across them, and looked at the expression I gave with each move. He kissed on my tummy, lifted each of my thighs and tongue kissed them, slid my feet one by one to his mouth, sucked on my toes. He then pulled my thighs apart farther and slid between them. He unwrapped a condom, slid it on, then, while watching me, positioned himself at my pussy.
“Put it in, Allure.”
I sat up in the bed, put my hands between his legs, gripped his hard dick, and put it at my opening. He had his eyes closed as inch by inch I pushed it into my pussy. Once it was in completely, he gasped loudly and pulled it out. I curved my thighs and held them at his waist. He looked down at me and dived back in, using the strength in his legs to go as deep as he could into me.
“Ooh, James,” I moaned.
“I know, baby.”
He lowered his head and started kissing me with the same intensity as before, sucking my lips, slamming into my teeth, teasing me all over, tracing my scar with his tongue, then licking back and forth over my nipples till they were glossy with his saliva. He pumped again with a steady rhythm, not fast, though, trying to get it in as deep as he could again.
He sucked on my neck, gripped my breasts tightly in his hands.
He went faster. I felt myself shaking underneath him, had a hard time holding my legs up now. He grasped them in his hands, leaned down and kissed my thighs again, came through again with smooth strokes, looked down at my glassy eyes as ecstasy took over me, leaned back down and kissed me, swallowing my scream. He started to growl and pump faster. I felt his hands tighten on my thighs. He growled louder, more fiercely, and his kiss was rougher again, and that was when he came.
 
 
James held me afterward. Which was cool. It felt good. But I couldn't just keep silent about the situation. I hadn't seen him in four months, and he just popped up? I had to know some things, so I said, “James.”
“Yes, baby?” He kissed me on my forehead.
“What are we doing here?” There were other things I wanted to ask him like, “Where you been? Why'd you leave? Do you miss us? Do you know how much we miss you? Will you come back? Will you love us again please?”
He took a deep breath and hugged me tighter. “Look, Allure, I love you and never stopped, despite all this time that has passed. But you and I both know that there is a lot we need to discuss.” He chuckled. “To tell the truth, baby, I hadn't planned on doing this, but you know what you do to me when I get around you. And you looked sexy with that robe on.” He kissed my bared back and slid out of the bed.
I turned over on my side and watched him dress.
“I need to run to the office real quick and finish up the time cards before my boss writes me up,” he explained. “That shouldn't take me no more than twenty minutes to do. Just gotta make the copies and drop them in my sup's mailbox. Then I'll come right back, and we can discuss us, Allure, and just what we're gonna do about us.”
Chapter 25
That gave me hope that all of this shit that had happened over the past four months wasn't just for me to cry and hurt. It was for a reason. To unite James and me. Maybe God's plan was for me, James, and Sierra to be a family. Maybe, eventually, we could also work on having another baby. I knew that if he let me this time around, I could help him get past the death of our son. I knew the sadness would always be there. But I knew that if he would just talk to me about it, the pain would get better. Because our struggle with it was the same.
I smiled and took a deep breath.
James winked at me.
My eyes went to the crib. Still hadn't got rid of it. Couldn't.
I ran a hand over my hair. The curls had fallen, so it hung silkily around my face.
He adjusted his tie quickly and watched me. “You look pretty with your hair like that, babe.”
I blushed. “Thanks, James.”
He slipped into his shoes.
I rose and snatched the sheet up, wrapped it around myself so I could follow him to the door. He curled an arm around my waist and my head rested on his shoulder as we walked. Once we made it to the door, he turned back around and slipped his arm from around my waist. When he pulled away, he had this weird look in his eyes. He kissed me so gently and then got a little rough with me. Our teeth bumped into each other, and he nicked my bottom lip, smashed my nose with his lips, so I laughed and shoved him away. But he went for my lips again. I let him; then he pulled away.
“Allure, remember what I said. I love you.”
I smiled and stroked his cheek. “I love you, too, baby. Always have.”
With that he walked down the steps.
I went into my bathroom and took a quick shower. I was so happy that James was coming back to talk about us. I also knew that Sierra would be so excited if James came back.
I finished showering, rubbed myself down with the lotion James loved. It was the Sun-Ripened Raspberry Body Lotion from Bath & Body Works, mixed with baby oil. I sprayed on some perfume and threw on a summer dress and some flip-flops. I pinned the front of my hair up and even put on a little lip gloss. I hoped he would stay awhile and would have dinner too.
I went into the kitchen and pulled out some steaks. I put the steaks in the sink and turned on the cold water so they would thaw. I then went into Sierra's room and cleaned it up. When the tow truck came and picked up my car, I didn't bother going with the driver to the car repair shop. I didn't want to miss James when he came back. Once the driver had my car loaded on the tow truck, I gave him the shop's address, dashed back inside, and called my mechanic and told him to call me back once he figured out what the problem was.
Hours passed and James still hadn't come back or called.
My sister brought Sierra home, and my mechanic finally called and said that I needed a new engine for my car. I didn't even try to figure out how I was going to pay for it.
All my mind was on was James and when he was coming back.
As planned, I put the steaks on, wrapped some potatoes in foil, placed them in the oven to cook, and pulled up to the table to help Sierra with her homework. Although my mind was not completely on it, I did the best I could. Every two minutes I was staring at the clock or waiting to hear the phone ring.
As soon as Sierra had read her book to me for the ten minutes I'd allotted, I watched her shove her things into her backpack. She ran for the door, screaming, “I'm going to play with my friend outside, Mommy!”
That left me at that table, twiddling my thumbs, wondering where James was, why he hadn't called or come back like he said he would, wondering why, when I called his cell phone, it said the number wasn't in service. This situation had me up and wondering all night, because he never showed, never called, never answered his phone when I dialed his number.
I was down. I felt defeated. I pulled out the bottle of gin I kept way, way back in the cupboard for situations like this, when sleep wouldn't come and the ache wouldn't go away. I just wanted to feel numb. No stress, no worries. I wanted to stop asking myself,
What's wrong with me? Am I unlovable? What did I do wrong? If I look this way ... acted this way ... will things change? Or is this gonna be how it's gonna be?
See, it was not that I just had to be with somebody. It was not that simple. The problem was that
not
being with someone hurt so damn much.
Loneness was some cold shit. I had never anticipated that it would feel the way it did. It was almost like when I came in my house, I felt cold air embracing me, 'cause there was no one to come home to and no one to come home to me. Sometimes I almost didn't want to come home. I dreaded it. It harbored the utter loneness I felt when I was out and about with Sierra and saw couples. With no one on my arm, I felt like a dumb ass at family events. I had no one to wrap their arms around me at night. All those things were bad, but it was not even that. It was just the feeling of the void. The void was killing me. Never, ever had I thought that the hardest thing in my life would be finding somebody to love me. Why was that shit so hard?
I continued to sip on the gin and cry. It was so nasty, but it was doing what it needed to. I thought,
Keep me single for the rest of my life ... cool, but take away that horrible feeling that it gives me. Make the thought of not being with someone mundane, make me voluntarily stoic, and I'll be cool.
I mixed the gin with some lemonade to make it taste a little better. When half the bottle was gone, I pushed it away and lay down in my bed. All it really did in the end was make me sleep better and make my stomach hurt.
But the shit for sure gave me a headache in the morning. One of the reasons I didn't drink was that it made me nauseous and gave me an aching head. This usually overrode my desire to get drunk.
“Mommy? Mommy?”
Sierra was shaking me. I opened my eyes. They were barely slits.
“Mommy, did you forget I gotta go to La La's today? The teacher is coming, and we are going to put on a play. I need to go, Mommy.” She was jumping up and down eagerly.
I rubbed my eyes and groaned, “No. I just overslept.”
“Ooh, Mommy, your breath stanks!” she exclaimed, giggling and holding her nose.
I gave her the tongue, then sat up, took a deep breath, and swung my legs to the carpet.
“Mommy, I'm gonna wear this, okay?”
For the first time I noticed what Sierra was wearing. Sierra had grabbed some silly shit to put on. Different material, different colors, different socks, different shoes. She had mixed summer and winter clothes, classical dress and eclectic. She had on some sweats and a poncho, rain boots, and wore a choker around her neck. To top it all off, she had done her hair too. Globs of grease were in her curly mane, and barrettes were hanging off the tips of her uncombed hair.
Oh Lord.
I shrugged. She was only four, so I didn't think it would hurt. Sierra always looked really nice.
“Yeah, let me call your aunt. She can take you.”
I grabbed my cell phone. James hadn't called. I dialed my sister's number and asked her to drop Sierra off at school and me at work. I would just stay on campus during my break after work and go to my classes.
 
 
“Look, Auntie Crystal. I dressed myself!” Sierra explained as she got in my sister's truck.
“I see.” My sister turned to me and lowered her voice. “What the fuck is she wearing?”
I shook my head and offered no reply.
After we dropped Sierra off, my sister set off for my school. However, I knew I wouldn't be able to function or even concentrate until I talked to James.
So I told my sister to turn around and hit the 91 Freeway.
She did and gave me a curious look. “Where am I taking you?”
“To see James.”
“James? Why?”
“I don't want to talk about it. Just take me please.”
“Okay.”
And we headed out to Baldwin Hills.
A little while later I took a deep breath as I sat in my sister's truck outside the house James shared with his brother. I could not believe he would do me like this.
His ass owed me an explanation for all the shit he had done to me.
How the fuck are you going to pop back in my life, make a promise to me, and bounce and not come back? Hell no,
I thought.
“You need me to go with you?” my sister asked.
“No. I'm good.”
I got out of the truck, closed the door, and marched up the steps. I rang the doorbell and waited. Nothing. I rang it again. Nothing yet again. His fucking truck was parked in the driveway, so he had to be here! And if a bitch was there, oh well! He didn't have to be to work until ten.
I knocked, rang the doorbell, rang the doorbell again, knocked, and called out his name. “James! James!” I shouted. I had broken into a sweat. My knuckles and the sides of my hands were red, and still I heard and saw no one.
He has to be hiding inside like a bitch,
I thought.
I pounded on the door, ignoring the sting. “James!”
Nothing.
“You bastard!” I yelled. I banged some more. I screamed his name till I had a dry mouth.
And still he wouldn't come outside.
I turned my back, defeated, took a deep breath, and was a step away from the door, heading toward my sister's truck, when I heard the lock click and the door slide open.
I spun around quickly.
But it wasn't James. It was his brother, the one who showed up at church when Jeremiah got baptized, the one who came to scoop James up so they could go play some b-ball, and the one who was looking at me like I was the most pathetic thing that ever cursed the earth.
“Where is James?” I placed my hands on my hips, met his gaze.
He was silent.
Fuck it.
I rushed up the steps and tried to brush past him. He blocked my way.
“Excuse me,” I said.
“Allure.”
“What?”
He looked me in my eyes and said firmly, “James is not here.”
“I'm not stupid.” I pointed at James's truck and bulged my eyes at him and cocked my head to the side. “Now, let me in.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Look, girl, you need to go home.”
“I'm not going no damn where.”
He brought his brows together, like I was crazy. “What is wrong with you?”
“Don't worry about it.”
He grabbed my shoulders and tried to press me backward. I wouldn't budge. “You gonna get off my property.”
“No, you gonna get out my way. Look, I need to talk to James. He's gonna give me an explanation for why he did what he did to me. Why he left me after Jeremiah died. Why he came to my house, fucked me, and never came back, but promised to come back. He's gonna tell me why he loves me if he seeks to hurt me. He's gonna tell me like a man should!”
“He not here.”
“Bullshit!”
He raised his voice. “Look, Allure, go home!”
“No! Not until I talk to James.”
“The information you want, you can't get now.”
“Why?”
“'Cause he ain't fucking here!”
“Well, where in the fuck is he?”
“On a plane, on the way to his honeymoon. James got married yesterday.”
Some things needed to be repeated. This was a case in point. “What?” I said to James's brother.
He repeated, “James got married yesterday, Allure. I'm sorry to ...” Blah, blah, blah ... I was too busy holding my shattered face in my hands to listen.
I felt like I was walking on broken glass, barefoot, when I made my way to my sister's truck, because each step hurt. I told myself I wasn't gonna cry in front of his brother, who watched me like I was a movie. I managed to get in the car and close the door, and I just sat there and cried and cried and cried.
I ignored my sister, who kept asking me what was wrong. But then I threw myself in her arms. I felt my shoulders racking, and I had a hard time breathing, because his words didn't hurt me. They killed me.

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