Authors: Braya Spice

Dear Drama (13 page)

BOOK: Dear Drama

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He nodded.

“If you want to be in Sierra's life, then that's fine, but I don't need any more of this craziness from you. Move on, Greg.” I held my hand out for the bottle of pills in his hand.

He hesitated, then shoved it in my hand. It was a bottle of Vicodin.

Truth be told, I felt bad for Greg. The fact that he had tried to kill himself was horrible. It seemed like it was such a struggle for him to accept the fact that we were done. If he had just treated me right, I would have stayed with him, because that all I had ever wanted. At one point in my life I had truly and deeply respected and loved Greg. I had made him my everything and had gone out of my way to make him happy. And he had made my days hell on earth.

He had broken me down so bad, to the point that I had started to feel not only that I deserved his abuse but also that it was my fault and no other man would love me besides him. He had almost destroyed me. Funny thing was, I didn't think it would take him this long to get over me and move on. I felt just as bad as he did that our family unit had to split up. But at the end of the day it was what was best. It should serve as a lesson to him to keep his hands and his dick to himself, get counseling, and not hurt who he loved. The last thing I wanted was for Sierra to grow up and sit around, letting a man beat her ass. Then the cycle would continue, and I didn't want that.

I turned on my heel and walked toward the door. He was still sobbing behind me.

“Allure.”

I stopped, turned around, and faced him. I tried to keep a calm look on my face so he stayed calm with me.

“I will always love you, Allure. No matter what, I know I'll never meet another woman like you. Somehow they will never measure up to a certain standard, because I'm going to always compare them to you. That's why Angel hated Sierra so much, because she came from you. The worst thing I could have ever done was to lose someone like you.” His sobs caused him to start choking on his words. “And the worst thing about it is that no matter how much I say I'm sorry or try to make it right or strive to be a better man, you won't accept me back.”

What could I say to that? So I said nothing. I had said all that I could say to him. I couldn't change what he felt in his heart any more than he could change what was in mine. I walked through the door and kept walking. I appreciated what he had said. It was nice that he thought of me as a good woman. But he had to move on, because we were done and the way he felt now about me couldn't undo all the bad he had done. It just couldn't. I didn't want to hate Greg at all. I wanted to be able to get along with him so we could raise Sierra without the fighting, arguing, violence, and shit. Those were the things that I had experienced when we were together, and those were the things that had caused me to leave him.

Greg couldn't carry on like this forever. He had to move on, and I hoped this baby was the incentive to do so. I knew no matter his circumstances, if he won the lotto, or if he became a completely different person, I could not go back to him. I couldn't love him again. He had traumatized and scarred me. Even if he never, ever hit me again, the fact that he had done it would always live with me. At the same time I didn't want to hate him forever for it, because that would make me bitter. But I knew I deserved to be with a man who would cherish me and who knew how to control his anger and rage.

Chapter 16

When I went home, I knew I had other business to attend to: James's punk ass. My guess was that he was screening his calls, because he refused to answer when I called, and prior to me telling him that I was preggers, he always answered or called me right back. For the past week he had done none of this.

So I went over to Kendra's house and called his trifling ass.

“Are you avoiding me or something?” I asked him after he answered. I must have caught him off guard, because he had a hard intake of breath.

“No, Allure, I've been busy.” At least he recognized my voice.

“But you usually call me every day. Even on your busiest days you've managed to squeeze a call to me in.”

“Well, I couldn't this week,” he sort of snapped. Then I heard him mumble, “I should have neverâ”

“You should have never what?”

“Nothing.”

“What's wrong with you?”

“Look, I'm under a lot of pressure right now andâ”

My heart started pounding. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for my next question. “Are we done?”

“I've done a lot of thinking about us, and I realized with my life, my career thatâ”

“Spare me the bullshit, and just say it, James!” Tears shot out of my eyes; I brushed them away with the back of my hand.

“I can't be in a relationship with you. I can't give you that.”

“How odd that all these months that's all that you wanted, but all of a sudden, after you find out I'm pregnant, you don't want it anymore?”

“It's not about that. My life is far too busy for a family.”

“What kind of fucking man are you, James?”

“Look, I have to get back to work.” He didn't wait for me to reply. He just hung up the phone.

I started crying tears of anger, hurt, and frustration. I was pregnant, and the man who had said he would never hurt me just did. I was now alone, with one kid and another baby on the way. This scared the shit out of me and made me never want to love another fucking man again. But at the end of the day I knew that in a good seven months I would be bringing a life into the world, and I had to get ready for it. But for the time being I just could not stop crying.

The thing I hated the most about being pregnant was those damn doctors' appointments. Having the doctor shove his big-ass fingers up in me like he knew me like that. And you couldn't let him see the least bit of discomfort on your face. He'd make some type of shitty comment, like, “Don't you have sex?” Yeah, but I guess what I hated even more than that was going to that doctor alone. No man, no husband. Nothing. What was far worse was that it seemed that I would be raising this baby solo. James had stuck to his word and never called me again.

After my doctor's appointment, I took Sierra to the park. I was surprised to see an old face there, Derek. The dude I had met the year before. I was pushing Sierra on the swings when he came toward us with a cute little boy. I usually took her to MacArthur Park, because it was close to where we lived. We had never come to this particular park before, but on the way home from my doctor, Sierra had spied it and had begged me to let her play there. It was a lot nicer than the park by our house. It had ducks to feed, and it was a whole lot cleaner.

As Derek approached us, I waved at him. His son ran past him and rushed to an available swing.

“How you been?” he asked, standing beside me and pushing his son on the swing.

“Good.”

He narrowed his eyes at me like he didn't believe me. I knew I probably looked down, because that was how I felt about my situation. And it was a little awkward seeing him because, after all, I had taken this man's number and had never called him. Now he was up in my face. So I tried to play it off.

“It's been a while, huh?” I asked.

“Yeah. I waited for your call and never got it.”

“Sorry. I was going through a lot of stuff at that time.”

He smiled at his son, who was giggling, as he pushed him on the swing. “Well, the number is still the same.”

“Okay.” But the last thing on my mind was calling another man, so I changed the subject. “How often do you come to this park?” I asked him.

“Once a week.”

Hmmm.
I wondered if he'd noticed the small hump in my tummy, a clear indication that I was pregnant. Then I figured he hadn't, partly 'cause I was wearing sweats and partly 'cause his eyes didn't drop past my eyes.

“So what's your son's name?”

“Xavier.”

I smiled at the adorable little boy. “He's a cutie,” I said.

“Thanks.”

“Mommy,” Sierra yelled.

“Yes, baby?”

“I'm hungry.”

I turned back to Derek. “Well, I guess I'll get going.” I offered him an awkward smile. “Hope to see you again.”

His eyes locked with mine, like he didn't want to see me go. “Take care, Allure.”

Derek became my new park buddy. Like clockwork I just so happened to show up at that park, and like clockwork so did he and his son. I knew it wasn't just on his end. I was lonely and needed companionship, a man to talk to. It got to the point where he knew everything about me except my current relationship situation, but I knew it was just a matter of time before he questioned me on it.

“Can I ask you a question?”

I nodded. “Go ahead.”

“Are you single?”

I took a deep breath. “My situation is kinda complicated, Derek. It's even complicated to explain.”

We were both sitting on a bench, while Sierra and his son played in the sandbox. They looked so cute together.

He reached over and grabbed my hand in his. “Try me, Allure.”

I pulled away, slid my hands down my tummy. “Well, for starters, I'm pregnant. But I'm sure you guessed that by my belly, right?”

He nodded.

“But I'm pregnant withoutâ”

Before I could finish, a pair of Stacy Adams stood in front of me.

“Allure.”

My eyes slid up and spied an angry-looking James.

What the hell?

He turned and looked pointedly at Derek, then looked back at me.

I gave him a blank look.

Chapter 17

James huffed out a breath, like I was trying his patience by continuing to sit next to Derek.

“How you doing, man?” he asked Derek sharply.

“Fine. And you?”

James didn't reply. He clenched his jaw. He turned to me. “Baby, can we talk?”

Baby?

I stood to my feet. “Derek, could you keep an eye on Sierra while I go over there. It won't take but a
minute
.” I looked pointedly at James when I said
minute,
letting him know he better make this shit fast. But he was too busy stabbing Derek with his eyes.

Derek said, “No problem,” and kept his eyes on the kids, biting his bottom lip. His arms were crossed over his chest.

But James said, “Naw.
I'll
keep an eye on Sierra.” He challenged Derek with his eyes. “We just going over there.”

I walked slowly away to the edge of the playground, not too far from Sierra. James followed. Then I leaned back against the gate. James stood in front of me.

“What?”

âWhatchu mean, what?” he demanded angrily.

“What do you want, James?”

“Who is that nigga?”

“None of your damn business.”

“Allure, it is my business.”

“How you figure that? You broke up with me, remember? How the hell did you find me, anyway?” I stormed.

“I followed you a couple times to your appointments. That's how I found out about your little park dates.”

“Oh, so you stalking me like Greg? Do I need to get a restraining order against you too?”

“No, baby. The last thing I would ever do is hurt you like that sick bastard. Now, are you gonna tell me who he is?”

“No. What I do now is not your business, like I said. Let it resonate through your head.”

He shook his head at me, and his cheeks were poked out in frustration. He had no answer. After a moment, he said, “You fucking that nigga?”

“Okay, this conversation is over, goddamn it.” I walked off, yelling as I did, “You bastard, you left me pregnant, and now you wanna question what the hell I do? You got me fucked up, James.”

I went and sat back down next to Derek and pretended James wasn't still standing in the spot where I'd left him. I ignored him even when he jumped in his truck and skidded down the street.

Fuck you, James.

A few days later, like a dumb ass, I allowed my anger to melt when I arrived home after picking up Sierra after work.

James was sitting on my porch with a bouquet of flowers.

“There she is!” Etta was standing near the mailboxes, with a big-ass smile plastered across her face.

When he saw me, he smiled confidently.

Instead of walking over to him, I made a U-turn and headed back toward my car with Sierra in tow.

“Mommy, that's James!” Sierra said.

“I didn't see him,” I lied.

“Allure!” He chased after me.

I was gonna keep on walking, but he grabbed my arm and spun me about to face him.

“Baby, don't do me like this. Listen to me.”

I avoided his eyes so he didn't see the tears that had formed in the corners of them. Because of what he did.

“Listen, baby, I was a fucking asshole to you, plain and simple.”

I continued to grasp Sierra's hand and blinked rapidly to prevent my tears from falling.

“I'm sorry for hurting you, and I wanna be there for you, Sierra, and my baby. If you'll let me.”

“What are you talking about, James?”

“I wanna be with you. And I'll be right. I'll be so good to you. Help you out, cook, play with Sierra when you too tired to play with Sierra, clean up so you can study, take her to school so you can sleep late. Rub cocoa butter on your belly so you don't get stretch marks. Come on, baby, stop crying.”

He started rubbing the tears off of my face.

And I let him. I grew weak and didn't stop him.

“What you did hurt, James. It hurt!” I took a deep breath.

“I'm gonna fix this shit. I'm so sorry. Just give me another chance.”

I was scared as hell to put my heart on the line for James again. He had lied: he had promised me he wouldn't hurt me and he had. Of all the times to leave a woman, he had left me while I was pregnant.

“Come on, baby. What do you say?”

I didn't want to go through my pregnancy alone. I also wanted a man by my side to help me raise this baby. So I told him, “If I do this, you have to be serious. That stuff you did, don't do it again.”

“I won't.” He kissed me long and smooth before scooping Sierra up in his arms.

“You and Sierra can move in with my brother and I, Allure. The place is bigger, and we can do a nursery there.”

I pulled away from James, who was cuddling with me in my bed as we tried to figure out what was best in terms of our living situation. The day before, we had found out the sex of our baby. A boy. James was ecstatic about that. He had started talking about putting him in football and basketball. As for me, it didn't matter, and yet it did. I had no real gender preference, but I feared that if something happened and I had to raise my son alone, he would fall victim to gangs and would end up in prison. I just felt that a father always needed to be there for his children, especially his sons. And with black women that wasn't always the case.

“So what do you think, baby?”

I just wasn't comfortable giving up my Section 8 and moving in with James and his brother. For me, it was a dumb move, because there was always the chance that James could start tripping again or that it wouldn't work out. “Look, I'm cool where I'm at, James, because it is mine. I'm not going to move in with you, and you have a change of heart and kick me and my babies out. Now, if we were married and we bought a house with both our names on it, then that's different.”

He nodded. “Well, I already own a house, baby. With my brother.” He took a deep breath. “I see I'm gonna have to do a lot of proving that I'm here to stay 'cause of all the bullshit I already did, huh?”

I didn't answer. I just kept my hands on my tummy to feel the baby kick. I was now five months pregnant.

For a while James helped out the way a soon-to-be father was supposed to. He would get me the foods I craved, take me to school and work, pick me up, take Sierra to the babysitter, and scoop her up and take her to the park when I was too tired to play with her. He even enrolled her in ballet class. And I knew she loved him for it. At night, when he got off work, he would come home and rub cocoa butter on my tummy, then spoon with me. He was doing everything he had promised he would do. But you know damn well peace don't last for too long.

My seventh month of pregnancy was when I saw the difference. First, there were little things. He became less doting. He stopped with the cocoa butter on my tummy and didn't care too much at all about spooning with me. One afternoon he snapped at me when I asked him if he was going to take Sierra to ballet practice.

“Why you gotta be so lazy?” he asked me. “Take Sierra yourself.”

With me being a sensitive wreck because of my hormones, comments like those just set me off, and I would go into my bedroom and cry. The first couple times this happened, he would come in the room and comfort me, saying, “Baby, I'm sorry. I'm just stressed with work.” Then he offered me no comfort at all. Things digressed from there to where he started saying he had to work late. Then, while he was working late, he made no effort to answer his cell when I called him. When I confronted him, he would say, “I'm working. I can't get shit done with you blowing up my phone, so I turned it off. Why are you questioning me, anyway?”

Next, our sex life changed. James had always told me that virgin pussy and pregnancy pussy were the best. He said I was so moist. And every time I turned around, he was rubbing on me, licking and sticking me. My now plump booty and even bigger breasts drove him insane. Now I could be ass buck naked in the bed, and it wouldn't faze him.

This all continued into my eighth month.
Damn,
I thought sadly as I sat on the couch, reflecting on my situation. We just couldn't make it through. And it made me hella sad. Because I felt like it was just not going to work.

My phone rang. I grabbed it off the edge of the couch and answered, “Hello?”

“How's the bun in the oven?” Creole asked me.

That was when I started crying and blurted out, “I think he's cheating on me.”

“Damn!”

I took a deep breath. I knew all the things he was showing me. His disregard for his household, not coming home like he used to, and not wanting to have sex with me were signs of cheating. And if he wasn't cheating, then maybe he was falling out of love with me, which hurt as much as cheating, because if he plain out didn't want me anymore, that meant I would lose him. I was so confused as to what to do about the situation.

“What is he doing differently to make you think that, L?”

“He's coming home late, talking about how he had to work late four nights in a row this week. It was the same thing last week. He stayed late three days. And the week before it was two days. He has this funky-ass attitude toward me, finding any and every reason to start an argument with me. And he acts like he doesn't want me to touch his black ass.”

“What are you going to do?”

Before I could reply, he walked in the house, swept past Sierra, who was watching cartoons, gave me a dirty look, and went into the bedroom.

His iciness toward me hurt. I loved him, and I was carrying his child.

“I'll call you back.”

I patted Sierra on her head and walked past her to the bedroom, following after his ass. I stood in the doorway and watched him. He went straight to the shower. That was a new move.

Part of me felt he did so to wash away the scent of another woman. And a part of me prayed that he was just tired and sweaty from work and just wanted to freshen up and unwind with a warm shower. I prayed that all these things that I had interpreted as signs of estrangement were just figments of my imagination. But the logical side of me felt they weren't.

I waited as I heard the water running and him scrubbing himself. I didn't say nothing, though. Just listened. Ten minutes later I watched him come out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around him and walk into the bedroom. I followed after him.

When he saw me standing there, he snapped, “What?”

“James, what's going on with you lately? You have had this snappy attitude. You're not keeping your word on the things you promised. You been coming home late, and you won't touch me anymore. It makes me feel like you're cheating on me.”

When he started getting dressed, ignoring my questions, I started crying. “Can't you just answer me?”

“Baby, it's nothing. Since the other CPA quit, they are doubling up on my workload. I'm always tired, which is why I never bother with having sex anymore. I don't have the energy, and as a man, it would kill my ego if I didn't satisfy you the way you like. All you would get is a couple of humps. Then that would start more problems. Because you would feel I'm not trying to satisfy you. And then you forget this is tax season, so I been doing a lot of the employees' taxes for extra money, because when you go on maternity leave, I'm going to have to pay these bills in here. Everything doesn't have to be about another woman. All your pregnancy I have been spoiling you, but you want to focus of the last few months and make me this bad guy.”

He did have a point. He had been good to me all this time. Why would he just change up out of the blue? Maybe it really was his job. I did know that his co-worker had quit. He had told me that before

I started to feel bad, so I told him, “I'm sorry, baby. The last thing I want to do is add more stress to you.” Now I really felt bad. “Are you hungry?”

“Naw. I grabbed something at work. Just let me sleep.”

“Okay.” I left the bedroom and went into the living room.

BOOK: Dear Drama

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