Dark Grace (18 page)

“Slow down, darlin’, let it stretch so you don’t get hurt,” he whispered.

He held onto my sides to keep me from moving too fast. It was agony waiting, when all I wanted to do was take it faster.

“You ok?” he asked quietly as he began moving rhythmically into me, very slowly.

I answered by leaning backward and placing my hands on his upper thighs, and joining his rhythm. As our pace picked up, he began grunting loudly. My sorrows and fears were drowned out by the pleasure of our bodies intertwining. It was the first time that I became so lost in pleasure that I cried out uncontrollably as my body found its release.

We collapsed together, our bodies entangled on the bed.
We lay quietly as our breathing slowed, and I felt a sense of peace. Gus stroked my hair gently as I fell asleep.

“It’s ok, you know.”

Emilie was sitting on the ground, looking up at me. The grass beneath us was a surreal shade of green.
I couldn’t see her face clearly because the sun was behind it, just as it had been when I saw her in a field of flowers. “He’ll always be there for you and you both deserve to be happy.”

“I know,” I replied.
“But he was yours first.”

She shrugged.
“True, but I’m gone now. Just be happy, ok?”

I nodded.

“I mean it, Zoe. No tears, no regrets. No second thoughts.”

“Jane’s gone,” I said.

“She’s here with me. She’s ok.”

“No, they killed her.
She’s gone,” I repeated.

“I know.
She’s ok now.”

I looked down at my best friend, still not able to make out her face.
Sitting beside her was a small girl with red hair. Her face, too, was impossible to see.

“It’s ok Zoe,
it’s fun here!” she said. “I have my own fishin’ poe and everything!”

I heard a baby cry and looked from Jane to Emilie, who now held a tiny baby in her arms.

“Where’d you get the baby, Emilie?” I asked.

“She’s mine,” said Em.

The baby cooed. Swaddled in flowing white blankets, I was unable to see the infant within the bundle.

“She looks like you,” said Jane.

“I can’t see her,” I said.

“You can’t see her yet,” said Emilie.
“But she’ll be ready for you soon.”

“I don’t understand,” I said.

The bundle in her arms moved as the baby within began to cry. A tiny arm lifted out of the swaddling blankets, its skin black and red and cracked. The small cry became shrill and otherworldly.

***

I woke in a cold sweat. Sitting upright in the bed the best I could, I tried to catch my breath.

“Zoe?
What’s wrong?” Gus was instantly alarmed.

“Just a terrible dream,” I mumbled.
“Sorry I woke you.”

“Want to talk about it?” he offered as he also sat upright.

“No.” It felt as if a great sadness had been planted in my heart by the dream.

I heard the familiar sound of Gus’ lighter and within a brief moment the room was again bathed in the soft glow of candlelight.

“Hey, shhhh,” said Gus as he shifted to face me. “Zoe, you’re crying.”

I hadn’t been aware that tears were falling down my cheeks.
Gus used his thumb to wipe one away.

“
It’s ok, darlin’, I’m here. We’re ok,” he tried to soothe me.

I looked into his eyes and wished I could get lost in them.
I shook my head back and forth.

“I don’t think we’ll ever be ok,” I said solemnly.

He pulled me to him and held me close, his hands stroking my still-bare back.

“I don’t think I can sleep anymore.
I’m too hungry,” I mumbled, hoping to change the subject.

“Ok.
Let’s get dressed. It’s freezing in here.”

He let go of me and stood.
I averted my eyes, still not fully comfortable seeing him nude. Looking down at my belly, I was startled when my baby began moving. She had been so quiet lately. So still. Gus was busy pulling his pants on.

“She’s moving again,” I said, looking up at him.

“Told you she was just asleep. Ah man, see, now you have me calling it she too.” He winked at me.

He tossed my t-shirt at me and I pulled it over my head.

“Are there any chips left?” I asked.

“A few.
Go ahead and eat what’s left and then we should head outta here. We need to find some decent food soon, and I want to put some distance between us and that last town.”

“You don’t think we should try going back?”

“No way.”

“What if the others went back for us?”

“They’re smart, Zoe. They’ll get our notes.”

“
Yeah, I guess.”

I tossed a chip into my mouth and crunched on it loudly.
Gus was busy buckling his belt. There was only a handful of Doritos left, so I ate half and passed the sack over to Gus.

“Nah, I’ll be ok.
You go ahead.”

I shook my head ‘no.’
“I’m not feeling too great, and you need to eat too. Go ahead.”

He finally took the near-empty bag from me and sat on the bed beside me.
As his weight caused the mattress to move, the slight feeling of nausea that was building took on a life of its own. I quickly stood and ran to the small bathroom, where I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet. The stagnant water in the bowl had begun to grow red algae and my over-sensitive sense of smell caused me to retch harder than I might have otherwise. My stomach cramped and my baby complained by stretching her legs, making the pain worse. My eyes had filled with tears from vomiting, making my vision blurry. Just as the wave of nausea and the cramps were easing up, I was filled with the urge to retch again. Doritos had mixed with bile, leaving me with a very offensive and bitter taste in my mouth.

“Hey, you ok?” whispered Gus.

I hadn’t been aware that he had joined me in the small, cold room. I felt his hands gently hold my hair back, and I answered by vomiting again.

“Just let it out.
You’ll feel better soon.”

I heaved one more time as my stomach cramped again, but nothing came up.
I was exhausted and felt dizzy.

“I’m so sorry,” I moaned quietly.

“Nah, don’t be. Let’s get you back to the bed, ok?”

He handed me a dry wash cloth, which I took gratefully and then used it to wipe my mouth.
I accepted an outstretched hand and stood. My legs were shaky.

“Do we have anything left to drink?” I asked as we walked back to the bed.

“One can of soda, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Might make you feel worse.”

“I’m really thirsty.”

“Let’s get you under the covers and then I’ll go fetch a gallon of water from the manager’s office. Fair enough?”

I nodded and climbed into the bed, which had grown cold.
As Gus began covering me, my abdomen grew tight again. I winced.

“Gus?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I might be having contractions.”

He sat beside me, suddenly looking worried. He placed his hands on my belly, gently feeling.

“You might be dehydrated.
When my wife was expecting our first, she had issues with that. Let’s get some fluids into you and see what happens. Let me know if it happens again, ok?”

“Ok.”

He kept his hands on me, apparently waiting for me to let him know if it happened again.

“Just rest, close your eyes, and take some deep breaths.”

I did as instructed, but found it difficult to relax. After a few long moments I felt my belly begin to tighten again. This round didn’t seem quite as strong or painful.

“Do you feel it?” I asked in a whisper.

“I do. Hopefully it’s just Braxton Hicks.”

“What’s that?”

“Think of them as practice contractions,” he said in a soothing voice.

I opened my eyes and looked at him.
He was looking at me with softness in his eyes, and I felt instantly pacified. I knew that he would take care of me, and that in some way he loved me.

“I’ll only be gone a few minutes,” he said.
“I’ll go out the back window so you don’t have to get up to lock the door behind me. Try to stay in bed till I get back. If you need to throw up use the trash can; I’ll set it next to the bed for you.”

“Thanks, Gus.
Try to hurry back?”

“You know it.”
He fetched a small trash can from below the little table in the corner of the room, placed it on the floor beside the bed, and then leaned down and kissed me lightly on the lips. “See you in a few.”

I gave him a small forced smile.
I didn’t want him to leave, but knew we needed the water. As he walked to the bathroom to make his exit, I turned onto my left side and attempted to get comfortable. I began shivering despite being warm under the covers, and groaned quietly as another wave of nausea came over me. Just as the nausea was passing, my belly tightened again, this time harder than before. As the pain eased, I felt my baby twist inside of me. The sensation alone brought more nausea, and I leaned over the edge of the bed hoping that I was in the right spot to at least aim for the waste basket. My stomach still empty, I dry heaved again. My head was starting to ache from the pressure of retching. As I heaved one more time, I felt a warm sensation spread around my legs. Mortified over wetting the bed, I threw the covers back and swung my legs over the edge. I forced myself to stand and waddled to the bathroom in hopes of cleaning up with some towels. The last thing I wanted was for Gus to know that I had peed myself. I pulled my boxers off, and then dried my legs and feet with a hand towel. I took two larger bath towels back to the bed, and set them down as a barrier. I had a brief memory of my mother doing this when I was a little girl and would have a middle-of-the-night accident.

As I was covering the puddle in the bed with the towels, I heard the commotion of Gus climbing back in through the bathroom window.
I climbed back into the bed and was getting myself situated when Gus came in with the water.

“Zoe, what are you doing up?”
He sounded concerned.

“I had to pee,” I said.
I figured it wasn’t far from the truth.

“I’ll pour you a glass of water.”

“Thanks.”

My belly tightened again, this time painfully so.
I winced and closed my eyes trying to cope with it. I felt Gus’ hands on my belly again, this time pressing harder.

“Gus, no,” I moaned.
“That hurts.”

“Sorry.”

The pain slowly eased, and I was too aware that I had wet the bed again.

“Oh God, no,” I whimpered.

“What is it?”

“I didn’t want to tell you.
I wet the bed while you were gone and I just did it again.”

“Zoe, you can tell me anything.
Always.”

“Oh my God this is embarrassing.”

“I need to look, ok?”

“No you don’t.
I put towels down.”

“No, seriously, I need to check you out.
Don’t be embarrassed. It’s just me. I’m gonna pull the covers back, ok?”

I nodded.
He leaned down and kissed me on the forehead, and then gently drew the covers back.

“Ok, hun, I need you to let your knees fall open.
I just want to make sure your water didn’t break.”

“Oh God, no,” I moaned.
“It’s too soon for that.”

“I know, but this pregnancy is following its own rules and timelines.
We both know that.”

I felt his hands on my inner thighs, encouraging me to open my legs.
I took a shuddering breath and tried to relax.

“Good girl.
I’m just going to wipe you with the end of this towel, ok?”

“
Ok.”

As he was wiping me with the terry cloth towel, my belly began to tighten again.
Like the one prior, I had to close my eyes and focus on breathing. I felt a gush between my legs, immediately wiped at by Gus.

“Zoe?”

I opened my eyes as the pain eased and looked at Gus.

“It looks like amniotic fluid.
I think we’ll be staying put for the next day or two.”

His words didn’t make much sense.

“We need to get to Neah Bay.”

“Not today, darlin’.
Looks like you’re having your baby.”

It took me a few minutes to accept what Gus had told me.
My natural reaction was to panic, but he did an excellent job of calming me. When Gus needed to, he could be firm and direct. He had a professional side that crept through when necessary and I had grown to appreciate that.

My contractions had become almost unbearable, and I savored the short breaks between them.
Gus would press on my lower back during contractions, which helped ease the severe back pain that had started in. He said it looked like I was having back labor.

“Gus, how long is this going to last?” I moaned.
I had heard that labor hurts, had seen it depicted on TV, but never understood just what the big deal was until now.

“It’s hard to say, darlin’.
It’s your first baby and it can take a while.”

I was about to say something snarky when pain gripped me again.

“He should be here, Gus. He should be here,” I whimpered once the pain ebbed.

“Yes he should.
And I’m sorry for you that he’s not.”

“How could he leave and not come back for us?”
Tears began falling down my face. “I understand him hating me, but our baby? He left her too.”

“Shhh, try to focus on saving your energy.
It’s his big loss, darlin’.”

I closed my eyes and focused on breathing through the next contraction, and Gus had the good sense to be quiet until it was over.

“Thanks,” I said under my breath, once the pain had subsided again.

“For what?” he asked, knitting his eyebrows together in confusion.

“For staying with me. For being here.”

“Zoe.
I’d never let you go through this alone. You know that right? I’ll never leave you.”

I wiped my tears and nodded.

***

The contractions went on for hours.
I slept between them, if you could call it sleep. Gus only left my side for short periods, to either stretch or relieve himself or to scavenge for supplies. He had said we would need more towels, so would break into a couple other rooms. He was never gone for longer than five or ten minutes.

I began to lose track of the time of day.
Gus helped me up to the bathroom every hour, insisting that I try to empty my bladder. Something about the chance of labor lasting longer if it got full. Standing and walking was uncomfortable, so I complained every time. I had lost count after the tenth bathroom excursion. There had been at least twice that many trips. Gus stayed awake that entire time.

The contractions had only gotten more painful and it was all I could do to stay quiet.

“Gus?” I squeaked out between contractions.

“I’m here, baby.”

The room was dark, lit only by a couple of candles. I figured it must be the middle of the night.

“Something’s wrong.”

“Talk to me,” he said, his voice calm. It was a voice I recognized, full of authority. A voice he often used during crises.

“Oh God,” I cried out.

“Tell me what’s going on.”

“I need to push, Gus.”

My body was forcing me to bear down despite the pain in my lower belly and pelvis. The heaviness was unbearable.

“Slow your breathing,” Gus instructed.

I tried to listen and follow directions.

“Zoe I would never usually ask this, but you have to stay quiet.”

I felt out of breath and out of energy as a contraction ended. I melted into the bed and wished I could just make it all go away. “Why?” I managed to ask quietly.

“We have company outside.
Some Roamers passing on the highway.”

“Shit,” I mumbled.

“They haven’t taken notice of us yet,” he said calmly. “I think as long as we stay quiet we’ll be ok.” I noticed just how tired he was looking as the next wave of pain hit.

“I’m gonna throw up,” I said through clenched teeth.

A plastic garbage sack was instantly in my hands, and as soon as the pain in my low abdomen subsided enough, I retched until my stomach was again free of bile. As soon as I was done, another contraction was peaking.

“Zoe, relax your legs, let your knees fall to the sides.
I need to see what’s going on.”

I tried to open my legs, but the back pain was too intense.
I scooted myself up in the bed higher, sitting up against the headboard, and tried again.

“Good girl.
Just like that. You’re going to feel my fingers, ok? I need to pull your labia back so I can see its head.”

I nodded, struggling with the pain of another contraction.
As his fingers entered me, I felt intense burning and bit my lip to keep from yelling out.

“Ok, ok, it’s ok,” soothed Gus.
“She’ll be here soon, darlin.’”

I arched my back in a feeble attempt to escape the pain.

“No, Zoe, don’t be afraid of the pain. I need you to focus; push as hard as you can. The hardest part’s almost over, baby.”

I took a deep breath as the next contraction began, sat up straighter, and pushed down as hard as I possibly could.
My energy was divided between pushing and trying to not scream from the pain.

“Keep going honey, she’s almost here.”

I took another deep breath, and pushed into the pain that I had grown to hate with a passion. At last, I felt relief as her head was freed from my body. I fought to fill my lungs with air again, breathing quickly and deeply.

“Look down, Zoe.”

I opened my eyes and looked down to where my baby’s tiny body slid from me, and reached down as Gus placed her slippery body on my belly. I touched her softly as she lay on my chest.

“It’s a girl,” whispered Gus.

The pain of birth faded as I looked at her tiny face. Her eyes were open, bright, and beautiful. She stared at me and puckered her little pink lips as Gus began drying her with a bath towel.

“Hi, Molly,” I whispered softly.
“My sweet Molly.” I was shaking almost violently.

Gus handed me a new towel.
“Keep her covered with this; she needs to stay warm.”

“Why isn’t she crying?” I asked, not taking my eyes off of her.

“Hard to say, but she’s pink and breathing.”

Her umbilical cord was dangling against my bare leg, and was growing eerily cold.
It was a stark contrast to the warmth of the bundle on my chest.

“I’m going to tie off her cord, Zoe, and cut it.
We’ll need to deliver the placenta soon.”

“Ok,” I mumbled, not really paying attention to anything except my new daughter.
I was already in love with her, and in utter awe. She was sticking her tiny tongue out and nuzzling against my chest. Gus had talked to me throughout the pregnancy about what to expect, and I recalled this was a sign of hunger.

“I think she’s hungry.”

“See if you can get her to nurse.”

“I don’t know how.”

“I’ll help after we get the placenta out. For now just put her next to your breast; let her just hang out there.”

I had already taken my shirt off in an attempt to cope with labor, so adjusted Molly on my chest until her cheek was against my breast.
She nuzzled my nipple with her tiny mouth, and made desperate attempts to latch on. I used one hand to lift my nipple and helped her draw it into her mouth. She began sucking vigorously, making tiny grunting sounds as she did so.

“She looks like a natural,” said Gus with a wink.
“Congrats, Zoe. She’s beautiful.”

“You think so?” I asked in a whisper with a smile.

“Ayup. Just like her mama.”

I looked back at my baby, who seemed content.

“Ok, go ahead and just give another small push.”

I bore down gently, and felt the placenta leave my body.
Oddly, it was soothing.

“Lift your bottom and I’ll put some clean towels down under you.”

I used my legs to lift my bottom off the bed and let Gus tuck the towels underneath me.

“You’ll keep bleeding for a while, like a heavy menstrual period.
Nursing the baby will help.”

“Does she look like she’s feeding ok?”

“She sure does. Does it hurt at all?”

“No.”

“We all need to sleep for a couple hours. We’ll need to hit the road though as soon as we can.”

“No rest for the weary, huh?”
It was something my father used to say.

“No rest for the weary,” he repeated gently.

“Does she look alright?” I asked.

“As far as I can tell.
She looks pink, healthy, and like she’s full term. A little small, but healthy.”

Gus covered me up with a clean blanket; making sure that baby Molly was also covered.
Her little body was slightly cool against my warm skin.

“She feels cool.
Is there another blanket?”

“You bet.”

Within a minute, I felt the weight of a second spare blanket cover us. Molly continued to suckle and Gus spread himself out on the bed alongside us.

“Zoe, I wouldn’t sleep unless I was dead tired and have to drive soon.
Wake me for anything at all, ok?”

Molly unlatched from my breast and yawned, followed by two tiny sneezes.

“Bless you,” I whispered to her. I looked at Gus. “I will. I promise.”

Molly was already asleep, appearing as tired as I felt.
I imagined she had also worked very hard. Her breaths came in little shudders; not quite an even pattern.

“She’s breathing funny,” I said.

“Babies do that. I promise. Lay her between us so she doesn’t roll out of bed?”

“
Good idea.”

Gus helped me move her and we both lay on our sides facing each other, and the baby.

“I know I’m not the one you want to be sharing this with,” said Gus. “I promise I’ll help you find him.”

My hand was resting on Molly’s belly, and I took comfort in feeling the irregular pattern of her breathing.
Gus set his warm hand on top of my own. I was exhausted both physically and emotionally, so closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift off to sleep.