Dark Grace (19 page)

When I woke, the room was quiet. I knew almost instantly that something was wrong. Gus was facing away from us, breathing softly. My hand was where I had left it, resting on Molly. She was still and the bundle beneath me was cold. She was so still. My core was instantly frozen and my head went numb, if that is possible.

“Molly?” I squeaked out, my voice trembling.
“Molly!”

Gus sat bolt upright and I began shaking.

“What’s wrong Zoe?”

“Molly…she’s not moving.”

I sat up in bed and watched as Gus unswaddled my baby. Her skin was so very pale gray. Her chest was unmoving and her tiny arms limp at her sides. I knew she was dead.

“Oh God no,” I moaned.
“Oh God, Gus, no…”

I began choking on my own words as he hung his head.

“Do something! Gus, please! Do something!” I pleaded.

“She’s gone, Zoe.
I’m so sorry.”

“No, no, no...Gus!
Do CPR. Bring my baby back! Oh God bring her back, Gus!” I continued to beg. “Please Gus, you have to help her!” I was clawing at his arms in desperation.

“I’m sorry darlin’.
She’s been gone for too long.”

He tried to pull me to him to comfort me.
I beat on his chest with my fists and wailed. He held me to him tightly, trying desperately to calm me. Eventually I lost the struggle and allowed him to cradle me in his lap. In time, I looked at him through the blur of my tears. I could tell that he, too, had been crying.

“Why?” I finally asked, barely able to find my voice.
“Why?”

“I don’t know, baby.
She looked perfect. I just don’t know.”

“I already loved her so much,” I sobbed.

“I know you did.” He kissed the top of my head and stroked my back. “I’m so sorry.”

“Molly,” I cried out.
My heart literally felt as if it was being ripped from my chest. “Oh God, my baby,” I sobbed.

We sat together for a long time, not speaking, just holding each other.
My tears fell until there were no more.

***

“I need to hold her,” I whispered against Gus’ chest.

“I’ll wrap her and bring her to you, ok?”

I nodded, not feeling like talking anymore. Gus picked Molly’s lifeless body up very carefully and with great respect. He held her like she was still alive, supporting her head in the crook of his arm. His eyes were red-rimmed and glistening with deep sadness. I adjusted myself so that I was sitting up, my back on the false headboard that was attached to the wall. I used the sheet that was crumpled nearby to wipe tears from my face and eyes. I watched as Gus set Molly on the foot of the bed and carefully wrapped her in a clean towel. Her tiny head was full of dark wavy hair, just like Boggs. It was a stark contrast to her deathly pale skin. I had never gotten to hear her cry. That thought almost sent me over the edge.

At last, Gus brought my baby to me.
She was a tiny bundle in the white hotel towel. She almost looked like she was just sleeping. Her eyes were closed. She looked so peaceful.

“She looks like she’s just sleeping,” I said as he set her in my arms.
“Oh, Molly. Oh God, please wake up,” I moaned mournfully. “Please, baby, just wake up.” I cried for several minutes, holding her close to my chest. I kissed her forehead, which felt ice cold. She was so limp, and so still.

“Zoe, hun, we’ll need to leave soon.”
Gus sounded worried. “There’s more Roamers passing by, too many for comfort,” he said as he was peeking through the curtains that covered the front window.

“I can’t leave her,” I said.

I heard Gus sigh. “We don’t have a choice. I wish we did, but we have to go.”

“I won’t leave her here, all alone.
She should be with Jane, or Louisa and baby Julio.”

I knew what I was saying didn’t make any sense, but I wasn’t ready to let her go.

“Ok. We’ll bring her with us, and find a place to bury her. Give her a proper burial.”

Burying my newborn baby was the last thing I wanted to do, but at least he was going to allow me more time with her.
I nodded.

“Thanks,” I whispered.

While I clung to Molly, Gus began packing basics for our trek. I put my nose close to the baby’s face and inhaled her scent, wanting to savor the memory forever. I don’t recall much of what happened after that. I found myself sitting in the car we had taken from the last town. Gus was strapping my seatbelt around me as I clung to the baby. We drove on in silence. Rain was falling again. The zombies traveling the highway had become more numerous, according to Gus, and he had to steer around several in our first few miles. The scenery never seemed to change as I stared out the window. I cried on and off. Gus gave me enough space to mourn, and for that I was glad.

Eventually the rain gave way to sun breaks.
As Gus wound the car around a two lane highway that hugged the contour of a beautiful lake with amazingly blue water, Molly began to move in my arms. I had ignored the buzzing in my mind as her life as the undead began. I looked down at her, my heart filled with a new sadness. I spoke for the first time since leaving the motel.

“She’s awake now.
She’s hungry.”

Gus slowly pulled the car off the road, stopping beside a picnic area.
He put it into park and opened his door, quickly stepping out. I watched Molly as she smacked her mouth. Her eyes blinked open. The deep blue color she had been born with was now clouded over. Her tiny arms were waving wildly, as if she were frustrated.

“It’s ok, angel.
Mommy’s here,” I whispered as hot tears fell down my cheeks.

She answered in short grunts and attempted growls.
I knew this wasn’t my baby anymore, but I wasn’t able to be cross with her. Gus opened my door and crouched down to talk to me.

“I need to take her, Zoe.”

I looked at him with pleading eyes. “Please, Gus, don’t hurt her.”

“I’ll make it quick, I promise.”

I knew he was going to end this part of her ‘life.’ I held her close to me, avoiding the tiny mouth that was searching for flesh. I kissed the side of her head. “I love you,” I whispered to her as Gus gently took her from my arms.

He walked with her, still holding her as if she were my sweet human baby, and disappeared from my sight.
I wanted to sob, to scream, to hit something, but was too numb. I knew she was gone, truly gone, when her rudimentary hunger disappeared from my mind.

Gus arrived back at my side not long after.

“Zoe, it’s over.”

“I know.”

“There’s a beautiful Madrona tree that overlooks the lake. I’d like to bury her there.”

“Ok.”
I didn’t want to ever let go of her, but ‘ok’ was all I was able to mutter.

***

Gus dug the grave while I stood at the lakeshore, staring out across the water. Daylight was beginning to fade by the time he came to get me.

“It’s ready, Zoe.
Do you want to come over now?”

“No.
I just can’t.”

“I think you need to, darlin’.
This will be your only chance to say goodbye.”

“I can’t watch you cover her with dirt.”

“I’ll bury her, and then you can come say goodbye.”

“Ok.”

As he walked back to the open grave, I sat on the cold ground and pulled my knees to my chest. I wrapped my arms around my legs and lowered my head. I stayed like that until he returned. His hand on my shoulder signaled me to stand. We walked to Molly’s grave in silence, hand in hand. I felt so empty inside I might as well have been dead myself.

The grave was so tiny.
It sat under a Madrona tree, just as Gus had said. He had picked some fern fronds to set on top, since there were no flowers in bloom for the season yet. The thought of her under the dirt caused me to start weeping. Gus wrapped an arm around me. We said goodbye not in words, but just in thought and tears. I remember starting to shake and my knees feeling weak. After that everything went dark.

When I woke, it was nearly full dark outside. Gus had pulled the car over and nudged me awake.

“Where are we?” I asked.

“Highway 112, almost to Clallam Bay. Looks like we’ll need to backtrack, though.”

I looked out the front windshield and saw a massive crash site blocking our path.
There were at least nine cars that I could count, in a tangled mess of crushed metal and shattered glass.

“There were people trapped in the accident,” I said flatly.
“There’s Roamers in that pile.”

“Can you tell how many?”

“At least five. They’ve been stuck in there for a long time. One of them remembers being killed by another; it remembers being eaten alive.”

My brain was on fire with their hunger.
Their signatures in my mind were stronger than I had experienced in weeks.

“We might as well get out and stretch, and then head back to highway 101.
I’m pretty sure highway 113 will get us past the crash but it’ll add a few hours onto the trip.”

“Ok.”

“Do you sense any dead that can get to us, or are they all trapped in the accident?”

“They’re all trapped.”

Gus opened his door and stood. I watched as he stretched. He leaned back down to the open door to talk to me.

“Don’t get out until I’m over there to help you.
You passed out at our last stop.”

Memories of Molly’s tiny grave filled my mind.
In a moment’s time Gus was beside me and had opened my door.

“Ok, darlin’, let’s get you out.”

I looked up at him and took hold of his hand. He held a white hand towel that he must have brought with from the hotel in his free hand. We walked to the side of the road. My legs felt shakier than I had anticipated. The air smelled of the sea and rotting flesh.

“We need to empty your bladder, get you cleaned up, and find you some food soon.”

“I’m not hungry,” I said.

“You have to eat, Zoe.
You’ve lost a bit of blood and already passed out once.”

I looked down as Gus started to pull my pants down.
I was too devastated to care, so allowed him to do so. I had one of the hand towels stuffed into my panties and was alarmed to see how bloody it was.

“Hold my hands while you squat, darlin’.
Empty your bladder and I’ll help you with a fresh towel.”

“My pants are bloody,” I muttered.

“Yeah. I know. We’ll get you new ones as soon as we can.”

“The Roamers can smell the blood.
I need to get out of here soon before they give me a headache.” My hip and belly were also aching.

It took longer to relieve myself that I had expected, but soon Gus had my towel changed and we were back in the car.
We shared the last of our distilled water before turning the car around and heading back to Port Angeles.

***

“I’m not liking being on the road after dark, Zoe. I think we should find somewhere to hole up for the night.”

“There isn’t much out here,” I said lazily.

“I saw an old motor home on the side of the highway not far from here. It might be a good bet.”

“
Ok.”

I didn’t care much where we ended up.
All I wanted was my baby back in my arms. The next best thing would be dreamless sleep. We drove for about two miles before he spoke.

“There it is.”

I looked up half-heartedly and saw the motor home he spoke of. It was small and old with faded green stripes down the sides. The front end was flat with a large windshield. It was parked in a narrow turn off with just enough room for our car to park behind it. The manner in which it had been left there made me assume it had been abandoned mid route.

Gus pulled the car to a stop and fiddled with the wires under the steering column until the engine shut off.

“I want you to stay here with the doors locked while I check the RV out.”

“I can come with,” I argued weakly.

“No offense, but you’re so weak you’d get in the way if there’s trouble. I promise I won’t be long.”

“I don’t sense anything, Gus.
I don’t want to wait out here.”

“Don’t argue.
I’ll be right back. Lock the doors.”

I sighed as he closed my door and walked away.
I pressed the automatic lock button and watched Gus open the door and step up into the RV. I looked down at my belly, hating how my bump was no longer there. I wondered briefly if I might ever find joy or happiness in life again. Gus was back within a few minutes, and helped me out of the car. My legs still felt weak and the surrounding landscape spun around me slightly. I looked down and saw that my pants were covered in fresh blood.

“C’mon, darlin’, let’s get you inside.”

Gus picked me up and cradled me in his arms. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around him. I was so tired.

“Ok, let’s get you up the steps,” I heard Gus say as he set me on my feet.
“Doorway’s not big enough for us both,” he explained. “Think you can climb in?”

I nodded and stepped up into the RV.
The interior was as outdated looking as the exterior with avocado green counter tops and orange floral upholstery on the seats. The air inside smelled dank.

“Zoe, head to the back bed.
I set some towels out for you to sit on. Take your pants off and lay down so I can check out all this bleeding?”

All I wanted to do was sleep, but I did as instructed.
By the time I had undressed from the waist down and lay back, I was nearly asleep. I felt Gus sit beside me and gently spread my legs.

“It looks like it’s easing up.
I’m just gonna put the end of the towel between your legs and let you sleep for a bit.”

“Ok,” I whispered.

***

When I woke, I was in complete darkness.

“Boggs?” I called out.

“No Zoe, it’s just you and me, remember?” replied Gus.

I was quiet while I oriented myself.

“Where are we?”

“We stopped for the night. You were bleeding and I didn’t want to drive after dark.”

“That’s right: the motor home.”

I heard him walking toward me. His hand searched out for me in the darkness, making sure he didn’t sit on me.

“You’ve been asleep for a few hours.
How are you feeling?”

“A little better,” I admitted.
“Thirsty.”

“Whoever left this rig here left it stocked.
It’s been pillaged, but I found a few things stored in an under-seat compartment that we can use.”

“It’s dark in here.”

“I know,” he sighed. “I haven’t wanted to attract attention with the lights. I just have a creepy feeling that I can’t shake.”

“I don’t hear any of them in my head.”

“Good. So, I found a box of Capri Suns and a Tupperware container of trail mix. Want some?”

“Please.”

He stood and I listened to his footfalls as he walked slowly in the dark to wherever the supplies were. He sounded tired in how he was moving, if that’s possible. I used my elbows to push myself into a sitting position and swung my legs over the edge of the bed I was lying upon. This time my head didn’t spin and I was able to sit upright without feeling as if I would pass out.

“The place was pretty trashed, so I moved most of the junk the scavengers left to the front.
We’re lucky they didn’t find this stuff.”

I felt Gus take my hand in his.
He placed the juice pouch in my palm and warned me to not squeeze it since the straw was already inserted. His kids used to spill them that way, he explained.

I sipped through the small straw and enjoyed the cool fruit-flavored drink.

“Thanks,” I whispered.

“Try eating something.
You need to get your strength back.”

He set the container of trail mix down beside me.
I could actually smell the raisins and peanuts and my stomach growled. I felt for it with my hand and quickly began eating. Gus joined me in the feast and we sat quietly eating for what felt like a long time.

“When will we get back on the road?” I asked.
I was desperate to get back to the others.

“I imagine as soon as you feel up to it.”

“I’m actually feeling better since I slept.”

“First light then, sound good?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s both get some sleep then.
I don’t think I can stay awake.”

“You sound exhausted, Gus.”

“Ayup.”

I lay back down, and Gus collapsed onto the small bed beside me.
Within moments, his breathing pattern signaled that he was sleeping. I fell asleep picturing Molly’s beautiful and perfect face in my mind.

***

Daylight was streaming in through the RV windows. I looked over at Gus, who was still asleep beside me. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and his covers were coming off. I went to pull the thin blanket up and noticed that his stab wounds were now fully healed; the thin scars a pale green. I carefully climbed out of the bed, hoping to not wake him. I knew he needed sleep desperately. Once standing, I walked to the other end of the motor home and looked over the pile of trash and debris that Gus had moved out of the way. I saw an empty jar of peanut butter and picked it up, knowing that we could scrape the sides of the jar. I was still nude from the waist down, and the dried blood on my legs made me sick to my stomach. At least there was no fresh blood. My belly wasn’t as sore as it had been the day before. My breasts, on the other hand, felt swollen and tender. I knew it was my milk coming in. I changed my train of thought, knowing that dwelling on my baby would send me into a downward spiral, and Gus and I could not manage if I turned into a blubbering mess. I knew that one day the losses of Emilie, Jane, and my sweet tiny Molly would catch up to me. They had all died in such a short period of time. It was so utterly unfair. I began looking through all of the cabinets and drawers, hoping to find something that someone else had missed. Coming up empty, I tried to open a door that I assumed led to either a storage closet or a restroom. The knob was locked, which actually gave me some hope that there may be supplies left undiscovered inside. I sat at the small table and opened the Tupperware container of trail mix. I had pulled my t-shirt down as far as I could to cover my bare bottom. I ate the trail mix one small bit at a time, just enough to stop my stomach’s complaining.

“Morning,” said Gus quietly.

I jumped, slightly startled.

“Morning,” I said back to him.
“There’s a locked door. I’m hoping maybe there’s something useful left.”

“
Yeah, I noticed that last night but didn’t want to break the door open while it was dark.”

I nodded my understanding.

“Has your bleeding gotten any lighter?”

“It’s stopped.
Maybe the same reason your wounds healed so fast?”

“Maybe.
You look stronger today.”

I nodded again.
“I’m just trying to not think about everything; about everyone we’ve lost.”

He sighed deeply.
“Me too, darlin’. Me too.”

He grabbed a small handful of the trail mix and tossed it into his mouth.

“Yeah, I was thinking about that last night. It’s a good idea.”

“Uh, Gus?”

“Huh?”

“What’s a good idea?”

“Scraping the peanut butter jar. I shouldn’t have tossed it aside so quick.”

I looked at him, not sure what to say.

“I hadn’t mentioned it, Gus. I was about to.”

“
Yeah you did.”

“No.”

“I heard you, Zoe.”

“No, Gus, seriously.
I was just thinking about it.”

“Think of something else.”

“What?”

“Just think about something else for a minute.”

I kept looking at him like he was crazy, but decided to think about a family picnic I had enjoyed when I was thirteen, on the Fourth of July. It had been a happy day. My sister had told me about her first kiss.

“Fireworks, and a kiss,” said Gus.

“How?” I asked.

“I’m not sure.
Maybe the same reason you can sense the dead.” He looked at his green-tinged scars. “I obviously have it in me now, too.”

“You can read my mind?”

He shrugged. “I guess.”

The idea freaked me out a little.
“Try again.”

“You’re worried that you might think about something you don’t want me to know.”

“Yeah.” Indeed, that was what I had been running through my mind just before trying to change my thoughts to something else to test him. “Crap,” I mumbled.