Confrontation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (7 page)

Q
UESTION: “Is it gossip or slander to ask someone for counsel about how to confront someone who has offended me?”

A
NSWER:
The principle of first confronting a person alone does not mean that you should not seek godly counsel about how to confront. While you should be careful with whom you talk, you may need to get advice before a difficult confrontation. The first step of actual confronting should be done privately because it is usually easier for the offender to accept what you are saying when you go alone.

“Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.” (Proverbs 19:20)

After you decide that you are going to confront, you must decide the best way to confront so that the person can receive the maximum benefit. Since different methods produce different results, consider the following scenarios and how you can best use them to help the one you are confronting.

The apostle Paul used both face-to-face and written confrontation in his ministry to the early churches. His example of assertive confrontation through these two approaches is seen throughout His epistles and can be of great value to you as you seek to confront others in a godly way.

“Even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: ‘If a man will not work, he shall not eat.’ We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat.” (2 Thessalonians 3:10–12)

• Most personal form of communication
  
• Allows you visually to ...
  
  • express your concern in person.
    
  • see immediate reaction.
    
  • read body language.
    
  • hear tone of voice.
    
  • receive immediate feedback.
    
  • clarify misunderstanding.
    
  • determine the acceptance or rejection of the confrontation.
    
• Allows the offender to visually see your concern and care through your facial expressions, eyes, and body language
  

• Most threatening to the offender and to the confronter
  
• Gives little time for offender to ponder your words and to process before responding
  
• Can be more emotional
  
• Offers less control over what is heard and what is said—may lead to regrettable statements
  
• Not preferable if you have engaged in a sexually immoral relationship with the one you are confronting
  

• Less formal than face-to-face
  
• Usually easier to set up the meeting
  
• Allows you direct confrontation with less intensity
  
• Sometimes provides more privacy than trying to meet in person
  
• Allows you to ...
  
  • hear the immediate reaction.
    
  • hear tone of voice.
    
  • receive immediate feedback.
    
  • clarify misunderstandings.
    
  • determine the acceptance or rejection of the confrontation.
    
• Provides safety by allowing both parties the option of terminating the conversation
  
• Provides a better opportunity for repeated contact and follow-up
  

• Immediacy perhaps more threatening to the offender
  
• Gives the offender little time to process before reacting
  
• Doesn’t allow you to express warmth or concern through your body language
  
• Can be more easily terminated by the offender before the conflict is resolved
  

• Offers the most objective scenario because it is not done in haste
  
• Provides control of wording, timing, expression
  
• Provides a healthy distance from a physical, sexual, or emotional abuser
  
• Allows for repeated reading of the letter for better understanding
  
• Sometimes makes your feelings known without your need to confront
  

• Such an established permanent record cannot be rescinded
  
• Certain negative behaviors need a more personal confrontation in order to address the need for change
  
• Offender can choose not to respond
  
• Follow-up conversation may be necessary to resolve conflict and pursue mutual forgiveness
  
• Copies of any written correspondence can be sent to others who are not involved in the difficult relationship
  

When confronting someone who needs to be corrected, the “Sandwich Technique” has proved to be an effective way to both instruct and encourage at the same time. We all know how it feels to be unsuccessful, to have plans fail for lack of preparation, information, or skills—or to have relationships fail for lack of insight, discernment, or communication. We also know how it feels to fail because of blatant wrongdoing on our part, reacting angrily when disappointed, forcing compliance when pressured, or seeking retaliation when rejected. In such times, we need someone to come alongside us and, in a gentle, nonthreatening way, “set us straight” before we do even more harm.

“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.”
(Galatians 6:1 )

• Bread of praise
  :
  Begin with a positive statement, a sincere compliment, or a genuine statement of loving care. Accentuate the positive aspect of the situation.
  

  E
  XAMPLE:
  “I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I know you have the God-given courage and the ability to rise above this situation and turn it around. I would love to help you if you will let me.”
  

  “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!”
  (Proverbs 15:23)
  

• Meat of correction
  :
  Clarify the desired goal. Objectively recount the chain of events that led up to the present problem, examining what might have gone wrong and why. Problem-solve by brainstorming about possible options presently available for correcting the situation. Then determine a future course of action.
  

  E
  XAMPLE:
  “Let’s look at the situation and ask God to help us figure out what happened and how we can work on establishing a new strategy that will set you on a correction course and improve your chances of being successful.”
  

  “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.”
  (Proverbs 12:1)
  

• Bread of encouragement
  :
  Conclude with a statement expressing confidence and assurance of future success.
  

  E
  XAMPLE:
  “I’ve seen you overcome difficulties in the past, and I know you can do this. I’m extremely proud of you. I believe in you, and I believe in God, who lives within you. If you follow His leading and rely on Him for your sufficiency, you will succeed at everything He calls you to do.”
  

  “Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
  (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
  

• Don’t
  choose any setting where interruptions or distractions could easily occur.
  Suggest a place. “Let’s meet in the conference room where we can have privacy and not be interrupted.”
  

  Do
  control the time and place as much as possible to minimize distractions and to maximize privacy and focus. A neutral setting is best where there are no telephone interruptions, television, music, or Internet distractions.
  

  “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.”
  (Ecclesiastes 3:1)
  

• Don’t
  become angry or defensive
  at the negative reaction of those confronted. Avoid a statement like this: “Don’t get mad at me. You’re the one in the wrong!”
  

  Do
  speak directly and honestly, but also gently and respectfully, knowing that the one you are speaking to needs a changed heart. “I realize this is difficult to hear, but we can work it out and get things resolved between us.”
  

  “A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.”
  (Proverbs 17:27)
  

• Don’t
  speak for others.
  “Some people feel like you ... ”
  

  Do
  keep the conversation personal! “I have noticed ... ”
  

  “The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.”
  (Proverbs 16:21)
  

• Don’t
  attack character.
  “You’re lazy, dishonest, greedy, hateful, irresponsible!”
  

  Do
  address behavior—specific problematic patterns. “I’m concerned that you’re not following through on your commitments. You’re consistently late (
  getting your homework done, getting to work, getting to meetings
  ).”
  

  “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”
  (Proverbs 12:18)
  

• Don’t
  use generalities or inference.
  “You just need to change!”
  

  Do
  speak in concrete, specific terms. “I’m concerned about the direction your life is going. When I (
  heard, saw
  ) (
  action, behavior
  ), I felt (
  sad, disappointed
  ) because (
  state the reason
  ).”
  

  “The teaching of the wise is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death.”
  (Proverbs 13:14)
  

• Don’t
  use shaming tactics.
  “Remember when you (
  failed, forgot, were caught
  )? You should feel horrible.”
  

  Do
  help the offender process any guilt or shame. “I know you must feel bad about your actions, and I do too. But God doesn’t want you to be guilt-ridden, and neither do I. Can we talk about it and turn it over to Him?”
  

  “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
  (Ephesians 4:32)
  

• Don’t
  focus on your own pain.
  “I continue to feel angry, hurt, frustrated.”
  

  Do
  focus on the offender’s need to repent and change.
  

  “He [the Lord] is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”
  (2 Peter 3:9)
  

• Don’t
  shut off conversation or objectivity.
  “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”
  

  Do
  listen to the offender and be prepared to change your perspective of the offense.
  

  “The heart of the righteous weighs its answers, but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.”
  (Proverbs 15:28)
  

• Don’t
  say, “You’re hopeless” or act as though no hope exists.
  

  Do
  offer hope. Realize there are no hopeless people—only those who feel hopeless. God offers hope to everyone.
  

  “‘I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the L
  ORD
  , ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
  (Jeremiah 29:11)
  

• Don’t
  put people “in cement,” assuming they will never change.
  “You’ll never change! You’ll always ... ”
  

  Do
  be patient, praying that as you plant seeds of truth, in time the person will change. Realize that people don’t change overnight.
  

  “Be patient with everyone.”
  (1 Thessalonians 5:14)
  

• Don’t
  assume that a confrontation is wasted just because it ends in anger or rejection.
  “I guess this was just a waste of time and energy.”
  

  Do
  be prepared for hostility and lack of cooperation. Some people need time to process a confrontation before they can take responsibility. Leave open an opportunity for further communication.
  

  “The Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone. ... Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.”
  (2 Timothy 2:24–26)
  

Q
UESTION: “How do I respond to someone who reacts defensively or with anger when confronted?”

A
NSWER:
You cannot control the response of others. If you lovingly and responsibly confront, yet people fail to respond appropriately, you may need to let them go by releasing them to God. Each person is directly accountable before God for their wrong behavior, and ultimately He will judge them justly.