Confrontation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (4 page)

Q
UESTION: “Why can’t I just forgive and forget? Why do I have to confront someone when they offend me?”

A
NSWER:
Undisclosed forgiveness benefits you by keeping you from becoming bitter, but it does not necessarily benefit your offender who is in need of correction. Yes, you need to forgive and not dwell on the offense, but you also need to confront in order to make your offender aware of a problem area that needs to be addressed. Forgiving without confronting can later result in your offender’s resenting you for not caring enough to make the offense known so that the bad behavior could be changed. Your offender could then develop a bitter root that later bears bitter fruit.
8

“See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” (Hebrews 12:15)

While confrontation can create unity, it can also divide. To avoid needless damage, you should not confront ...

• When you are not the right person to confront.
  If you are not the one offended or not responsible for the one offended, you may not be the one who should confront. However, God might use you to help the person who is responsible to confront.
  

  “Like one who seizes a dog by the ears is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own.”
  (Proverbs 26:17)
  

• When it’s not the right time to confront.
  You may be the right person to do the confronting, but it may not be the right time or your heart may not be right.
  

  “There is a time for everything ... a time to be silent and a time to speak.”
  (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7)
  

• When you are uncertain of the facts.
  Be sure you are fully informed of what is happening. Sometimes asking the right questions and listening objectively will reveal that you are simply misperceiving the situation.
  

  “He who answers before listening—that is his folly and his shame.”
  (Proverbs 18:13)
  

• When it’s best to overlook a minor offense.
  You may find that overlooking minor offenses allows God to convict others of their errors. When in doubt, erring on the side of restraint and mercy is generally best.
  

  “Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs.”
  (Proverbs 10:12)
  

• When you are committing the same sin.
  Paradoxically, you can be most offended by people who are engaging in the very behaviors with which you yourself struggle. We are hypocritical if we try to correct others when we ourselves are guilty of the same thing. First correct your own behavior. Then you can help correct the behavior of someone else.
  

  “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
  (Matthew 7:3–5)
  

• When your motive is purely your own rights, not the benefit of the other person.
  A “my rights” attitude will only damage the spirit of a positive confrontation. Therefore, consider another’s interests over your own.
  

  “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
  (Philippians 2:3–4)
  

• When you have a vindictive motive.
  Before you confront, genuine forgiveness of the offender is imperative. In your heart, release the offender into the hands of God. Your confrontation must not be to satisfy your secret desire to take revenge or to get even.
  

  “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.”
  (Romans 12:17)
  

• When the consequences of the confrontation outweigh those of the offense.
  Look at the degree of the offense before you confront. Some battles pay little dividends and are just not worth the fight!
  

  “Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.”
  (Proverbs 17:1)
  

• When the person you want to confront has a habit of foolishness and quarreling.
  Avoid confronting people who are unwilling to recognize their offense. If you cannot avoid the confrontation, you may need to take others with you to help in confronting these persons.
  

  “Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful.”
  (2 Timothy 2:23–24)
  

• When setting aside your rights will benefit an unbeliever.
  Jesus modeled suffering for righteousness’ sake and exhorts you to endure unjust hardship for the sake of exposing God’s character to the unbeliever. Allow room for God to work in another’s heart by showing restraint.
  

  “It is commendable if a man bears up under the pain of unjust suffering because he is conscious of God. ... To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.”
  (1 Peter 2:19, 21)
  

• When the person who offended you is your enemy.
  Sometimes it is best not to confront but to win them over by praying for them and blessing them. You and your offender are ultimately responsible to God for your actions. The path to peace might mean forgiving and blessing your offender without ever confronting the offensive behavior.
  

  “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.”
  (Matthew 5:44–45)
  

• When confrontation will be ineffective and reprisal severe.
  You may not be able to effectively confront a person who has a violent temper and who is likely to exact severe retribution on you or on someone you love. (However, with such a person you still need to have and enforce proper boundaries.)
  

  “Whoever corrects a mocker invites insult; whoever rebukes a wicked man incurs abuse.”
  (Proverbs 9:7)
  

Q
UESTION: “If I have a Christian friend who is continuing to live in sin, am I obligated to confront my friend?”

A
NSWER:
Realize that you may be God’s agent to help your friend change and then grow to be more Christlike. If you care enough to confront, God can use you to encourage and support different loved ones to overcome habits that enslave them or alienate them from others. At times He will call you to directly but lovingly intervene in the lives of fellow believers who have wandered from the truth and have become ensnared by sin.

“My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.”
(James 5:19–20)

If you are involved in a conflict requiring confrontation and you realize you need to confront, be aware that you may make the mistake of using one of three negative strategies:
avoiding, attacking
, or
ambushing
.

• If you are
  Passive/Avoider ...
  
  • Your strategy is to completely avoid the problem without ever addressing the person directly.
    
  • You have a fear-based mentality, perhaps learned in childhood, that could make you feel unworthy or inadequate to confront.
    
  • You are overly compliant wanting to avoid disagreement, and you cower out of fear.
    
  • By avoiding confrontation, however, you allow the sinful behavior of the other person to continue creating relational conflicts.
    

  The Bible records King Saul’s confession:
  “I have sinned. ... I was afraid of the people and so I gave in to them”
  (1 Samuel 15:24).
  

• If you are
  Aggressive/Attacker ...
  
  • Your strategy is to attack the other person, not the problem.
    
  • You build up your own self-esteem by attacking and suppressing others.
    
  • You feel entitled to cross the personal boundaries of another person’s space, work, time, or personal life. You seek to control others by intimidation.
    
  • By attacking, you may win the momentary battle, but you lose the ultimate war. Your inappropriate attacks harm the relationship and provide no lasting resolution for correcting offensive behavior.
    

  The Bible says,
  “The L
  ORD
  detests all the proud of heart. Be sure of this: They will not go unpunished”
  (Proverbs 16:5).
  

• If you are
  Passive–Aggressive/Ambusher ...
  
  • Your strategy is to ambush the other person without confronting the problem.
    
  • You are afraid and prefer hiding, manipulating, and ambushing in order to gain power rather than directly confronting.
    
  • You keep a record of real or imagined offenses to justify getting even. You find it difficult to accept responsibility for hurting others, and you act as a “sniper,” shooting slander, sarcasm, and mocking remarks from a distance.
    
  • By ambushing, you avoid a direct confrontation while at the same time you look for subtle ways to make a power play. Your relational conflicts are never resolved because you never deal with them.
    

  The Bible says,
  “A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise”
  (Proverbs 15:12).
  

• If you are
  Assertive/Activater
  (a positive strategy!) ...
  
  • Your strategy is to actively assert yourself by confronting in order to resolve the problem.
    
  • You deal fairly and respectfully with everyone involved by listening carefully, stating the truth, correcting untruth directly, and exposing areas where people differ or misunderstand one another.
    
  • You make requests, taking the needs of others into account by courageously giving words of admonishment, rebuke, or encouragement when appropriate.
    
  • By asserting yourself, you provide the greatest opportunity to have positive relationships because you speak with discernment and confidently confront with sound judgment.
    

  “My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight. ... For the L
  ORD
  will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being snared.”
  (Proverbs 3:21, 26)
  

Certain other strategies may seem right for the moment, but they will not bring about godly results and will ultimately fail. Only an assertive strategy based on truth will succeed and stand the test of time.

The Bible says about those who have subversive strategies,
“Devise your strategy, but it will be thwarted; propose your plan, but it will not stand, for God is with us”
(Isaiah 8:10).

Deciding that you need to confront is one thing. Deciding what you need to say is another! Preparing your wording in advance will help you speak clearly and lovingly when the occasion for confrontation arises.

“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is a wise man’s rebuke to a listening ear.” (Proverbs 25:11–12)

• Confronting unjust treatment on behalf of a coworker
  
  • “Maybe you felt he was not doing his job adequately, but do you think it is fair to fire him without allowing him an opportunity to change?”
    
  • “You might encourage him by pointing out the improvements that need to take place within his area of responsibility.”
    
• Confronting a friend who is excessively late
  
  • “I thought we were to meet for lunch at 1:00. I have been waiting here for an hour. Did I misunderstand the time we agreed on?”
    
• Confronting a friend who violates your personal boundaries
  
  • “Please know that I enjoy talking with you, but we need to talk at earlier times in the evening. I really need to get more sleep at night; therefore, let’s not call each other past 9:00 p.m.”
    
• Confronting a spouse for repeated failure to call when late for dinner
  
  • “I’ve had dinner ready at 6:30 for the last five days, yet you’ve not called to say that you would be late. I need you to call me by 6:15 if you are not going to be on time. If you have not called by 6:30, the children and I will go ahead and eat.”
    
• Confronting a coworker for gossip and slander
  
  • “Would you tell me what you said to others about the project I’ve just finished?”
    
  • “I heard that you actually said that you don’t respect my work.”
    
  • “It would be helpful if you would come directly to me with your concerns. I sincerely want to do my best, and I will value your comments.”
    
• Confronting others to help them see their blind spots
  
  • “I know you have experienced a deep sense of betrayal by your friend. Do you think it is wise to continue to trust him?”
    
  • “Do you think it is wise to put all your emotional eggs in one basket and not develop some other meaningful relationships?”
    
• Confronting to set or enforce boundaries
  
  • “I did not stop coming over without a reason. You heard your mother request that I no longer help you with homework because she didn’t want you to be dependent on outside help. Please understand that I enjoy working with you, but I must honor her request.”
    
  • “I thought you said you were not going to eat any more sweets after 7:00 p.m. Do you still want me to hold you accountable for that?”