Confrontation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (3 page)

“The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.” (Proverbs 12:15)

• The Purpose of Positive Confrontation
  

  The Spirit of God confronts sin in the life of a nonbeliever in order to bring that person to confession, repentance, and salvation. Likewise, the Spirit of God confronts sin in the life of a Christian in order to produce confession, repentance, and Christlikeness.
  

  Jesus died not just to save you from the penalty of sin (eternal separation from God), but also to save you from the power of sin in your life. Therefore, sin must be confronted so that you can be set free from its bondage. At times, confrontation is necessary both for salvation and for victorious living.
  

  Based on God’s love ...
  

  • God confronts us in order to keep us walking within His will and in close relationship with Him.
    

    “Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the L
    ORD
    your God disciplines you. Observe the commands of the Lord your God, walking in his ways and revering him.”
    (Deuteronomy 8:5–6)
    

  • God gives us the task of wise confrontation to help others see their need to have a personal relationship with Christ or to become more Christlike.
    

    “We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ.”
    (Colossians 1:28)
    

  • God confronts us because He loves us as a father loves his child. He wants to make us holy, as He is holy, so that we can live at peace with others.
    

    “Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
    (Hebrews 12:10–11)
    

  • God confronts us by using His Word to equip us for life.
    

    “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”
    (2 Timothy 3:16–17)
    

• The Peril of Negative Confrontation
  

  Confrontation that should be helpful and healing can miss the mark by becoming
  harmful
  and
  hostile
  when the motive is self-centered and the method is self-serving.
  

  • Harmful Confrontation
    

    Righteous Job lamented that his friends were wrong to confront him in the midst of his intense suffering. After they confronted him, he cried out to them,
    “Miserable comforters are you all! ... I also could speak like you, if you were in my place; I could make fine speeches against you and shake my head at you. But my mouth would encourage you; comfort from my lips would bring you relief”
    (Job 16:2–5).
    

  • Hostile Confrontation
    

    David, too, wrote about how the Lord delivered him from the hostile confrontation of his enemies and specifically from the hand of King Saul:
    “The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me. ... He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me. They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the L
    ORD
    was my support”
    (2 Samuel 22:6, 18–19).
    

Does the thought of confronting someone make you want to run for cover? Awkward situations that call for confrontation can cause great emotional strain—even ruining a close relationship. Have you tiptoed around a problem, hoping it will go away? Or have you stuffed your anger only to have it build and later erupt like a volcano in the face of your offender? Ultimately, we need to overcome our fear and have the courage to lovingly confront by living in the light of God’s truth.

“The L
ORD
is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The L
ORD
is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1)

David’s life illustrates four distinct styles of dealing with difficult people.

#1 The Passive Style:
The
Avoider
confronts indirectly by using silence or nonspecific language to communicate needs and desires.

• Shuns direct interaction because of fear
  
• Expects others to figure out what is wanted
  

G
OAL
:
Avoiding confrontation to ensure self-protection

D
ISADVANTAGES
:
Produces no long-term solution and leads to bigger problems

E
XAMPLE
:
At one time David chose to be
silent
and to avoid saying anything at all around his offenders; however, his passive approach only increased the anguish and anger within his heart.

“I [David] said, ‘I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence.’ But when I was silent and still, not even saying anything good, my anguish increased. My heart grew hot within me, and as I meditated, the fire burned; then I spoke with my tongue.”
(Psalm 39:1–3)

#2 The Aggressive Style:
The
Attacker
confronts by overtly attacking the character of the other person in order to gain power.

• Uses threats and intimidation to get needs met by others at any cost
  
• Feels free to violate the rights of others
  

G
OAL
:
Gaining power and control through anger or force

D
ISADVANTAGES
:
Produces only short-term solutions and makes enemies by hurting feelings

E
XAMPLE
:
Many of David’s enemies levied all-out
attacks
in order to bring David down.

“My slanderers pursue me all day long; many are attacking me in their pride.”
(Psalm 56:2)

#3 The Passive-Aggressive Style:
The
Ambusher
confronts by covertly ambushing the other person as a power play.

• Uses sarcasm and sniping rather than direct, specific language
  
• Tries to get even at a later time for real or imagined slights
  

G
OAL
:
Avoiding direct responses and accountability while “getting even”

D
ISADVANTAGES
:
Produces no solutions and expresses destructive anger in indirect ways

E
XAMPLE
:
Repeatedly, David was verbally
ambushed
with indirect attacks from his passive-aggressive offenders.

“Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked. ... They sharpen their tongues like swords and aim their words like deadly arrows. They shoot from ambush at the innocent man.”
(Psalm 64:2–4)

#4 The Assertive Style:
The
Activator
confronts by directly affirming the truth that positive change needs to take place.

• Uses direct, specific language to express factual information
  
• Confronts directly in a way that expresses value for the opinions and feelings of others
  

G
OAL
:
Presenting the facts, correcting untruths, and changing behavior

A
DVANTAGES
:
Produces effective solutions and builds long-term trust and respect

E
XAMPLE
:
On two different occasions David had the opportunity to put to death his enemy King Saul, but rather than act aggressively, he chose to spare Saul’s life and confront him assertively.

“Why do you listen when men say, ‘David is bent on harming you’? This day you have seen with your own eyes how the L
ORD
delivered you into my hands in the cave. Some urged me to kill you, but I spared you; I said, ‘I will not lift my hand against my master, because he is the L
ORD’S
anointed.’ ... May the L
ORD
judge between you and me. ... And may the L
ORD
avenge the wrongs you have done to me, but my hand will not touch you.”
(1 Samuel 24:9–10, 12)

Do you confront when you shouldn’t—and do you avoid confronting when you should? A strong religious leader confronts a woman when she is acting drunk in church, but she is actually in anguish, crying out to God because she can’t conceive a child. That leader aggressively confronts her based only on appearances and before he knows the facts. (See 1 Samuel 1:9–18.)

This same leader who confronts when he shouldn’t is later guilty of
not
confronting when he
should
. He fails to confront his two contemptible sons when they abuse their position as priests and take advantage of God’s people. (See 1 Samuel 2:12–36.) God rebukes Eli for his
passivity
because he fails to protect the people.

Fear of conflict can make you passively do nothing or misunderstanding can cause you to confront inappropriately. Knowing when and how to confront requires wisdom.

In his old age, Eli finally confronts his sons—but by then it’s too late. Eli pays a high price for being too passive. God tells Eli that He will ...

“Judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them.” (1 Samuel 3:13)

Since there is a wrong time to confront when it does more damage than good and a right time to confront when it serves God’s purpose, how do you know when the time is right?

• When someone is in danger.
  Some people say or do things that hurt themselves or others to the extent that lives are at risk. God opposes all abusive behavior, whether it is self-inflicted or inflicted onto others. You need to intervene when you see any behavior that puts people in harm’s way.
  

  “Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, ‘But we knew nothing about this,’ does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?”
  (Proverbs 24:11–12)
  

• When a relationship is threatened.
  Relationships are vulnerable to damaging words or actions. You need to confront when necessary to preserve the relationship.
  

  “I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.”
  (Philippians 4:2–3)
  

• When division exists within a group.
  One of the enemy’s tactics is to cause quarrels, strife, and jealousy among a body of believers. God calls us to unity, agreement, and peace. He charges us to guard and protect these precious relationships.
  

  “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”
  (Romans 14:19)
  

• When someone sins against you.
  Difficult though it may be, God gives you a clear directive to confront anyone who does something to you that clearly violates God’s will in regard to how you are to be treated.
  

  “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
  (Matthew 18:15)
  

• When you are offended.
  Sometimes you can be offended by someone’s actions even when the actions are not sinful. For the sake of the relationship, confronting in humility and exposing your concern allows the other person to be sensitive to you in the future and to not intentionally offend you by continuing the offensive actions.
  

  “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”
  (Ephesians 4:2–3)
  

• When someone is caught in a sin.
  At times you will see a sin in others to which they are blind. While guarding against the possibility of the same sin in your own life, God wants to use you to expose the sin and help the one trapped to overcome it.
  

  “When I [God] say to a wicked man, ‘You will surely die,’ and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood.”
  (Ezekiel 3:18)
  

• When others are offended.
  Sometimes confronting on behalf of others is appropriate. In cases of prejudice, injustice, or violence toward those unable to defend themselves, God expects you to take up their cause and speak out against the wrong done to them. The apostle Paul confronted Peter openly,
  

  “I opposed him to his face, because he was clearly in the wrong. Before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they [the Jews] arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray.”
  (Galatians 2:11–13)