Change of Heart (21 page)

“It’s me, isn’t it?” I vocalize my worst fear. “It’s my fault. I should have stayed away when she asked me to.”

“No! Oh, God no, Decker.” Kate rushes off the couch and kneels in front of me, grabbing my hands in hers. “It is
not
your fault. Casey’s heart has been this way for years. Nothing you did caused this.”

“But I wasn’t here, and she was fine. Now I’m here, and she’s not.” My voice is flat, emotionless. “We fought today, Kate. Did she tell you that? I found her pills. I asked her about it, and she freaked out. I made her upset.”

Kate shakes her head. “No, Decker. It’s not your fault,” she says quietly. “Casey hasn’t been ‘fine’ for a long time. This was inevitable.”

“Why did this have to happen to her? She’s so good. She’s always been a good girl. She is a straight A student. She never breaks the rules. Why did this happen to her?” I finally lose my composure and break. A sound like I’ve never heard before comes from my chest as I collapse on myself. I can feel Kate’s arms around me and hear her make soothing sounds that are probably words but I can’t make them out. All I can think about is my best friend. I might lose my best friend.

Forever.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Casey

When I wake from crying myself to sleep, it’s dark outside, and I see the silhouette of my mom in the chair beside the hospital bed. She sits up and takes my hand once she sees my eyes open.

“Hi, Mom.” My voice is scratchy. She immediately goes into mom-mode, pouring me a paper cup of water from the pink pitcher on the bedside table. I thank her when she hands it to me and take a long sip.

“Casey,” she says on a sigh.

I set the cup down on the table and lean back, knowing she’s about to light into me about how important it is to take care of myself. Surprisingly, she doesn’t. She does something even worse. She cries. She leans forward so her forehead is resting on the white hospital sheet, and she cries.

“Mom?” I ask, running my hand over her head, through her hair, because I’m unsure of what else to do. My mom has always been the strong one when I’ve been in the hospital. The rock. I’m not sure I can show her that same strength in return.

I watch as she tries to pull herself together, looking everywhere but at me. A horrible feeling moves through me, taking over my entire body. One that hasn’t made an appearance since the early days of my diagnosis. Fear.

“Tell me,” I say in a small voice.

She takes a deep breath and holds my hand. “I spoke with Dr. Andrews regarding your test results. She wants to discuss everything with Dr. Smythe, but the preliminary blood test results indicate an infection.”

“Endocarditis?” I ask, referring to an infection people with heart problems are susceptible to.

“They’ll need to perform more tests to be sure, but it’s likely.”

I sigh in relief. Well, that’s not the end of my world. A healthy dose of antibiotics can beat that out of me. Mom knows this, so I’m not sure why she’s still looking so somber.

“Is there something else?”

Her eyes well up with tears, and I try to swallow the lump that’s formed in my throat.

“The ECG  indicated an irregular heartbeat.”

“That’s not uncommon,” I remind her.

“They did a chest x-ray while you were asleep.”

I sigh. No use in beating around the bush. “So it’s bad.”

“The infection seems to have affected your valves, caused your heart to become more enlarged. They want to do more scans to see the severity of the damage. Dr. Andrews didn’t say much—she didn’t want to without speaking with Dr. Smythe first—but I could just tell, Casey.” The tears she’d been holding back fell.

“Mom, calm down. Let’s just wait and see what Dr. Smythe has to say. He knows my heart better than Dr. Andrews does. He’s been my cardiologist for over two years. Plus, I feel fine. I don’t feel any different.”

“Damn it, Casey.” I startle at her angry tone. “Don’t you understand? Your condition is terminal. One day, the news
isn’t
going to be good. This might be that day.”

“You don’t think I know that?” I yell at her as she stands up and turns towards the window.

“I just feel like you’ve been living the last couple years in denial, Casey. You’re barely acknowledging the situation. You’re barely living. You’re twenty-one years old, so young, and yet you’re ready to just let this disease take you from me. I just lost your father; I don’t want to lose my daughter, too.”

And I think my mom has finally reached her tipping point.

Before my dad died, my mom had him to lean on when I was sick and would have had him when I died, too. But now he’s gone. Her husband is gone, and her daughter is dying. She has no one. No one but me.

And I won’t be around much longer.

“Casey,” she says in a resigned tone, still looking out the window. “I know you’re firm in your decision on how you want to live out the rest of your life. As much as I have always hated it, I have respected it because you probably feel as though it’s the only thing you actually have control over, but I prayed like crazy you’d change your mind. But right now I’m going to be selfish because this is all becoming way too real.” She turns from the window, and I look up from studying my hands to meet her eyes, eyes that are a perfect match to my own. “Please reconsider.”

I start to shake my head, but she starts speaking again, interrupting what I am about to say.

“I saw you when you were back home with Decker. You were happy. You were
you
again. Kate said you’ve been different since you’ve been back here, too. I just think that maybe you need to reevaluate your decision. Things are different now from how they were before. Decker is–”

“Don’t bring him into this,” I warn.

She shakes her head. “You get your stubbornness from your father, did you know that?”

“Yeah,” I scowl, not wanting to talk about my dad but knowing that it’s coming regardless.

“A few days before his heart attack he was complaining of chest pains. I tried to get him to go see a doctor, but of course he wouldn’t go. Next thing we knew he was in the hospital, and the first thing he said to me was that he should have seen the doctor when he had the chance. Casey, you have that chance. Don’t let it pass you by.”

“It’s not that easy,” I say, swallowing down the ever-present lump in my throat.

My mom sits back down and holds my hand again as I start to cry. “Then talk to me, Casey. Let me help you.”

“I’m scared, Mom.”

She smiles a sad smile. “I know you are, baby. I’m scared, too. But know that if you do this, I will be with you every step of the way. You will not be alone. And I have faith that you are going to be just fine.”

“But what if it doesn’t work? What if my body rejects it? Or I die during surgery?”

“Casey, if you don’t have the surgery, you’ll die anyway.” Apparently we’re going for the blunt approach today. My mom and Kate must have attended the same shock and awe training. “The question is, would you rather die fighting…or giving up?”

If I go down, how do I want it to be? As a coward or a warrior?

“I need time. I need to think.” I don’t really plan to think about it. I know I’m being selfish, but the truth is I’m completely terrified and avoidance is my go-to defense mechanism.

“That’s all I ask. We can see what Dr. Smythe has to say, too.” She smiles and pushes a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, Mom.” She stands up, and I hold on tighter to her hand. “Where are you going?” I’m not ready for her to leave me. I don’t want to be alone. How ironic, considering I’ve spent the better part of three years pushing everyone away.

“I’m going to head down to the cafeteria and grab something to eat. I’ll be right back.”

I let go of her hand, knowing she’s probably starving and exhausted from the impromptu trip across the country. I hadn’t even thought about how she got here. My guess is that Kate had called her right away.

“I’d offer to get you something–”

“But I can’t eat anything but sawdust while I’m in the joint. I got it.”

She laughs at my cynicism. “I’ll see if I can sneak in something since you slept through dinner.”

“You rebel.” I watch her walk from the room, quietly shutting the door behind her, then lay my head back and sigh.

What the hell do I do?

Chapter Thirty-Four

Decker

Room 201.

You’d think that would be the first room when you step off the elevator at the end of the hall. But it’s not. It’s not the last room either. How do I know this? Because I’ve been up and down the hall twice. Room 201 is not here. That number does not exist in this damn hospital’s numbering system.

200.

The next door is 202.

Two down is labeled 208.

Four more is 218. It doesn’t even make sense.

Who the hell numbered this place?

Taking a break from pacing the floor, I lean up against the wall and rub my face with my hands, when a soft voice asks “Sir, can I help you find your way?”

If you only knew how convoluted that question actually is.

“I’m looking for room 201. Casey Evans.”

“201 is in the cardiac wing,” the young nurse tells me.

“That makes sense, but I have no idea where that is,” I tell her, pushing myself off the wall, eager to follow whatever directions she’s going to give me.

“All the odd numbers on this floor are cardiac. It can be confusing if you don’t know,” she says with an understanding smile. “Follow me.”

“Thank you,” I say as I fall in step behind her.

“Visiting family?” she asks.

“No, a friend. My best friend.”

A flash of sadness crosses over her face, then she gives a sympathetic nod. “I’m sorry your friend is in the hospital.” The way she says it makes me believe she actually means it. You’d think working in a hospital dealing with illness all the time would numb you to it, but this nurse seems truly compassionate.

“Thank you.”

She leads me through a set of double doors I had ignored during my laps. They’re locked, but fortunately she has the little magnetic card that deactivates the locking mechanism. She gives a small smile to the burly male orderly working the security desk as we walk by.

Looking at the watch on her wrist, she tells me “Visiting hours are over in about twenty minutes. Looks like you got here just in time. I’m sorry you don’t have more time though.”

My stomach rolls at her statement. I know she didn’t mean it the way I’m thinking, but the mere thought that my time with Casey in general may be limited makes me sick.

I can’t lose her.

As we near the end of the hall, the nurse points to a small alcove elevator bank. “You can take those down when you leave. You can even take them up when you come back. Just remember the C elevators.”

“C for cardiac.”
C for Casey.
“Shouldn’t be that hard.”

She smiles as me and gestures to the last door on the right. “There it is. I wish your friend well.”

I reach my hand out to shake hers. “Thank you…”

“Laura,” she supplies, shaking my hand.

“Thank you, Laura. I’m Decker, and I’d probably be wandering the halls until way past visiting hours had you not shown up.”

“It’s my pleasure. Take care, Decker.” She turns around and walks back the way we came. I watch her go, not yet ready to face what’s behind door 201. But the sound of a door opening behind me finally makes me turn around.

It’s Casey’s mom. She quietly steps out of the room, not yet noticing me, and shuts the door behind her. In this moment, she and Casey could be twins, they look so much alike. She’s looking down, clutching her hand to her chest. Once the door is completely closed, she leans back against the wall and slides down to the floor. I can tell by the way her shoulders are shaking that she’s crying.

I panic.

This can’t be good!

I rush over and fall to my knees in front of her. “Mrs. Evans?”

She lifts her head from where it was resting on her knees, and all I can see is sadness and utter devastation in the tear soaked brown depths that are identical to her daughter’s. When she recognizes me, she smiles through her sobs and grips my arms. Her fingers are digging into my forearms, but I feel no pain, only numbness.

“Decker, you have to talk to her. You have to make her realize she’s making a mistake.”

“Casey’s okay?” I ask, ignoring her request. If she wants me to talk to her, then she’s got to be okay.

More tears spill from her eyes as she shakes her head. I instantly feel pain everywhere. No. Casey’s not okay.

“She’s got an infection. Her cardiologist hasn’t been by yet, just an attending physician, so we don’t know the specifics. But it’s not good, Decker. You’ve got to talk to her. She’s been different since she’s been with you again. It’s like she’s been living again. You make her feel alive. You may be the one to get through to her.”

“Get through to her how?” I ask, shaking my head. “I’m not sure I understand.”

“She needs a transplant. A heart transplant.”

A heart transplant. My Casey needs a new heart.

My immediate thought is that she can have mine! Because I sure as hell don’t want it if she’s not going to be around for me to love.

My stomach rolls again.

A new heart? Her
heart
needs to be
replaced
? It’s
that
broken that it’s not working properly? It may even be hurting her. It
is
hurting her; otherwise, she wouldn’t need a transplant. Her heart. It’s what she loves me with. I know she loves me, even if she won’t say it.