Change of Heart (24 page)

“The best,” I agree, relaxing against my new, Decker backrest.

Chapter Thirty-Eight

Decker

The fact that Casey still willingly falls into my embrace after everything isn’t lost on me. I’m at least fifty percent responsible for all the shit she’s been through the past few years and somehow, despite the rocky moments, she still loves me. What she told me last night makes me hate myself; I’m not sure how she can forgive me when I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself. I was a shitty friend and an even shittier lover. How could I just let her go? How could I let her leave without a trace and do nothing to reach out to her? I’d been so selfish. And she was
pregnant
. With
my
baby. I should have been here.

When Mrs. Evans returned to the room last night, I’d slipped out of Casey’s bed, careful not to wake her, and spent a good two hours crying in her mother’s arms, begging for forgiveness for getting Casey pregnant and for not being there. I’d felt like a failure of a human being—I still do to an extent. But like Casey had said, and her mom told me there’s no sense in dwelling on the shoulda, coulda, wouldas. What matters is what I do now. And now, I’m completely devoted to Casey and making things right. Everything.

I’m going to take care of this girl forever.

“I don’t want to upset you, Case. I know this isn’t easy to talk about, but just know that nothing you say is going to make me hate you or leave you. I’m not going to lie and say I won’t be sad, but know that I’m sad for you, not because of you.”

I feel more than see her nod, and I wrap my hands around her chest. She then wraps her arms around mine, firmly holding them in place.

“So…I didn’t know I was pregnant.” I give her a squeeze to let her know it’s okay. “The pregnancy put a strain on my heart, which is why I went into cardiac arrest. If I had known I was pregnant or if I had known about my heart condition, it possibly could have been avoided, but I didn’t.”

The guilt I feel right in this moment is palpable. This is truly
my
fault.
I
did this to her.
I
got her pregnant.
I
caused her to end up in the hospital. I’d talked with her mom a little more about it this morning, and she’d done her best to knock the negative thoughts out of my head, and while I’m not beating myself up over it as much now, I still feel responsible. And I wasn’t here. That makes it so much worse.

“I’m sorry, Case.”

“Me too.”

I run the tip of my nose up and down her ear. “Can you tell me more about your heart?”

“It’s yours?” she offers with a snicker. 

I lean forward and gently bite her earlobe. “Funny.”

“I have cardiomyopathy.”

“Say that in English?”

“An enlarged heart.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah…oh.”

“And they can’t fix it?” I ask, knowing it’s probably not a possibility as she would have gotten it done years ago.

“No.”

“So what happens?”

“It gets worse,” she tells me after a moment of silence.

“And there’s no cure,” I say more than ask.

She answers anyway. “No cure.”

I decide it’s time to throw out the big guns. “Your mom mentioned a transplant?”

She tenses, ever so slightly, but I still feel it. “A new heart could change things.”

So what the hell is the problem?
I want to ask, but know I can’t. Not like that at least. This is sensitive. So sensitive. But I can’t understand why she hasn’t jumped on the opportunity to get on the donor list. She’s young and otherwise healthy. I don’t know much about transplants—nothing, to tell the truth—but that alone seems like it would make her a prime candidate. What is she hiding from?

She answers my unspoken questions. “I’m scared, Decker. I could die during surgery. My body could reject the heart. And all that hope…all for nothing. I don’t like the idea of the unknown. Right now, I know what the end result is. I don’t know when it’s going to be, but I know what it will be.”

My eyes sting, but I don’t let myself cry. I have to be strong…her rock. But who is going to be my rock? Who is going to be there when she’s not? I had a life these past couple years without her, sure, but was I really living? I thought about her every damn day. Half the time contemplating when I would grow a pair and reach out to her. But at least then I still had her, even in that small, indirect way. I knew she was out there, and I’d imagined her happy. But if she was gone? I can’t even think about her being gone forever. It makes my stomach turn.

Call me selfish, but I just can’t lose her like that. If she won’t fight for herself, then I will.

“Case?”

“Yeah?”

“Since we’ve been apart, you’ve made quite a few decisions based on what you thought would be good for me, right?”

“I’m sorry about that Decker. I realize now that that was a mistake. I shouldn’t have shut you out—shut everyone out. I should have told you and known that you could handle it, that you would have handled it. I didn’t think about how devastating it would be for you to suddenly find out that I’d died. Especially considering the way I left home.”

“Hey,” I say, frustrated she’s still talking about her dying. I lean my head over her shoulder and turn her face so she can look me in the eyes. “It’s in the past. I’m not going to sugarcoat it and tell you it doesn’t suck, because it does suck. I wish I could have been there for you, holding your hand or fighting with you, whatever you needed. There’s nothing we can do to change the past, but there are things we can do about the future.”

She stiffens again, realizing where this is going, but I don’t let her interrupt.

“You made some decisions for me, for my well-being, because you’re my best friend and even though we weren’t speaking, you still loved me.”

“Yeah, and we already established that was a
mistake
.”

I tighten my arms around her, and she wiggles against my hold.

“Yes, you got your turn to be selfish. And now it’s my turn.”

“Deck–”

“You’re going to get a transplant, Casey.”

She huffs out a breath, twisting in my hold. “It’s not that easy.”

“It
is
that easy. When the doctor comes in, we’re asking him to put you on the list.”

“Decker, I don’t want to be on the list.”

“Yeah, and I didn’t want to be on the other side of the country, in the dark about what the hell was going on with my best friend.”

“This is ridiculous,” she says, still struggling against my hold on her.

“It is ridiculous. I know you’re scared, baby. I’m scared, too. I’m terrified for you and, selfishly, I’m terrified for me, too. But I’m even more terrified of you giving up.”

“I’m not giving up,” she cries, defeated.

“You are. Casey, I hate to say it because it hurts. It hurts me to even think this,” my voice breaks, and I need to take a moment to collect myself. “If you don’t get the transplant, this thing is going to kill you. If you do get the transplant, there are risks with the same end result, but there’s also a chance. A chance that you’ll live. A chance you won’t have unless you make the choice to fight.”

“But Decker, I feel like all I’ve been doing is fighting.”

“Yeah, but you haven’t had me in your corner.”

“I can’t, Deck,” she quietly weeps. “I just can’t.”

The fact that my girl is so ready to give up breaks my heart. It completely destroys me. I hold onto her tight, nuzzling against the side of her face. She may be giving up, but I won’t. I can’t.

“Casey, I just got you back. I want to see where this thing between us goes. I want the chance for both of us to make up for our mistakes. I want time, time with you. I love you, and I need you more than my next breath. Please. Please do this for me.”

This time I don’t hold back—I cry.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Casey

The sound of Decker breaking apart behind me is my undoing.

“I can’t lose you again, Casey. I can’t let you go.” His words are barely coherent behind his heartbreaking sobs.

How can I do this to him? Is this what I’ve been doing to my parents? To Kate? Have they been standing strong in front of me and then breaking down behind my back?

Nausea rolls through me at the thought of causing the people I love so much pain. I have been so selfish and ignorant all this time. No one ever said anything…but of course they wouldn’t…they’ve been walking on eggshells around me for more than two years. Probably terrified I’d push them further away or break.

Decker’s holding me so tight, but I manage to wiggle free just enough to turn myself around on my knees, not really caring about the wires that are connected to various parts of my body. I straddle his legs and cup his face in my hands.

Desperately kissing away his tears, I tell him “You’re not going to lose me. I promise. I’ll fight, Decker. I will fight for you. For us.”

“I’ve missed you so much, Case. I don’t want you to die. I don’t know how I could go on knowing you aren’t out there somewhere. Even if you don’t want to be with me, please live for you. Please. I just want my best friend back. I want her to be okay.”

“I’m right here,” I tell him, looking into his glossy green eyes. “Decker, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. I want to be with you, too.”

He looks at me like he’s seeing me for the first time. Like the words I said to him a moment before have finally processed.

“Do you mean it?”

I’m not sure which part he’s referring to, but regardless, the answer is yes. I mean every word of it. I nod. “Yes.”

He gives me a big, beautiful, Decker smile, white teeth and all, and then leans forward to take my lips in a demanding yet tender kiss. His hands tangle in my hair and the pressure he places on the back of my head fuses our mouths together.

Minutes pass. Minutes filled with kisses, touches, and grinding that is surely beyond inappropriate for a hospital. We’ve long since ignored the beeping of the machines. If I’m gonna die, what a way to go.

Decker finally pulls away, placing three lingering kisses on my lips before fully separating. His face, still tearstained, has a new look to it. Hope. Love. Adoration.

“Did you really mean it? Are you really gonna go through with it?”

“For you, I will,” I tell him honestly.

He places his hand over my heart. “No,” he shakes his head. “Do it for you.”

I nod as a loose tear escapes my eye. He watches it trail down my cheek and leans in to kiss it just before it hits the corner of my mouth.

“I can’t wait to spend forever with you, Case.”

I smile and lean my forehead against his. “Me too.”

And for the first time in a long time, I hope I get the chance at a forever.

***

My mom finally returns just as I’m finishing up signing the transplant paperwork with Dr. Smythe and the hospital’s transplant specialist. Her expression is panicked, probably assuming I’m signing a DNR order. She obviously can’t see Decker’s goofy grin as he sits on the chair at the side of my bed.

“What’s going on? Is something wrong?” she calls out shrilly as she barrels over to my bedside.

Dr. Smythe looks over, having just realized my mother was in the room. “Mrs. Evans,” he says with a smile, “it seems your daughter has had a change of heart.”

My mom comically looks from the doctor, to the specialist, to me, and back again, her mouth opening and closing like a guppy.

“A change of heart?” she asks, holding her hands up over her own heart.

Decker squeezes my thigh in silent support. “I’ve just signed the paperwork to be added to the transplant list.”

My mom squeals. She actually squeals like a teenage girl who just spotted Justin Timberlake in Starbucks. She rushes over, practically climbing over the transplant specialist, and wraps her arms around me.

She pulls away and caresses the side of my face with her hand. There are unshed tears in her eyes. “Oh, thank God.” She looks over to Decker and gives him a big smile. She rushes over to him, nearly taking out Dr. Smythe this time. Decker stands up just before she reaches him, and she practically tackles him in a bear hug. “Oh, I knew you could get through to her. I just knew it.”

I’m totally not surprised my mother and Decker had apparently chatted about me and the transplant. Decker basically admitted that much to me earlier. And I should have known my mom would recruit him to bring me back over to the bright side. Not that Decker wasn’t a willing participant. If he had known all along, he would have led the crusade.

My mom still has her arms around Decker and now she’s rocking him from side to side. As much as I know Decker loves her like a second mom, he’s giving me a look that is clearly a plea for help. I should let him suffer for plotting with my mom and roommate, but I love him too much, and I think he’s suffered more than enough.

“Hey, Mom, can you get your hands off my boyfriend?” I wink at Decker as his eyes widen.

My mom stills, and then pulls away from Decker. “Boyfriend?” she asks, smiling wide and practically bouncing in place. Not sure if she’s speaking to him or me at this point.

Decker looks at me for additional confirmation, as if my words hadn’t been enough.

“Boyfriend.” I nod my head, smiling at the look of happy surprise on both of their faces.

Decker grins and makes a motion to step towards me, but before he can, my mom’s got him in her clutches again.

Dr. Smythe and the specialist quietly tell me they’ll return in a few minutes, and slip out the door, leaving us to our freaky little family moment.

“It’s about damn time!” my mom screeches once the door shuts. I shake my head in an effort to get my ears to stop ringing and briefly wonder if she’s talking about the doctor leaving or Decker and I dating.