Change of Heart (23 page)

I decide to try to help her along. “Kate mentioned that you had a heart problem. What exactly does that mean? There are a lot of different heart problems on the web. She said the doctors don’t really know when it started?”

She sighs and pulls her head back a bit so she can speak. “It means I could have been born with it, or it could have developed later on. I never showed any symptoms prior to that first hospitalization, so the doctors’ couldn’t say anything definite.”

“Why now though? Why did it suddenly start hurting you? Did something bring it on?” I don’t understand. Why couldn’t she have lived her whole life without this affecting her?

I feel her body tense up, a small sign that there is more bad news to come. Though I’m not sure how that can even be possible. Nothing could be worse than what she’s already told me.

“Deck, I’m really scared to tell you this part,” she confesses.

“Casey, baby, you can tell me anything.” And she can. Always.

“I just…I don’t want you to think any less of me for it.”

I remove my hands from around her and place them on her cheeks, moving her face so she’s looking at me. Brushing the tip of my nose against hers, I tell her “Nothing, absolutely nothing, will make me think less of you. I promise.” I punctuate that statement with a soft kiss on her lips.

Her eyes are glossy, and she breaks eye contact before she speaks.

“I was pregnant.”

I’m stunned silent.
Casey—my Casey—was pregnant?
And she thought I’d think less of her for it? I feel hot tension throughout my body as I think about beating the shit out of the guy who got her pregnant and obviously bailed—since she’d been alone that day in the hospital and is still unattached. What a douche. But think less of her? Never.

“Casey, I’d never think less of you for that. I’m sorry.” I place gentle kisses on her forehead, attempting to loosen her up since her body is still rigid. “I’m sorry for everything that you’ve gone through. And I’m sorry that the jerk who got you pregnant wasn’t there for you.” I look into her eyes and see the tears flowing. I wipe them with my thumbs, while gently cupping her face.

“I didn’t know,” she quickly adds. “Honestly, I was so busy with school that I barely paid attention to my period, and when I noticed it was late, I chalked it up to stress. I never would have guessed I was pregnant.”

“I’m sorry, baby. But I still don’t have to like the guy.”

“I never told him,” she whispers, almost as though she’s talking to herself. “He didn’t know.” Her body shudders, and I hold her tight. Jeez, my girl holds the weight of the world on her shoulders. And I have no idea how to make it better.

“It’s okay,” I tell her, continuing to softly rub her back.

“It’s not okay!” she cries out, pushing me away. I stumble back, almost falling off the small bed. Thank God for the short rail on the upper portion of the bed. Shocked, I stand up and take a step back since she clearly needs a little space.

“Look, Case, I don’t want you getting upset.” I gesture to the heart monitor that is beeping a bit faster now. “We can talk more tomorrow. Visiting hours are over anyway.” I give her a smile, attempting to convey that I am not brushing her off after her big confession, but rather I’m concerned for her health, which is the whole truth.

She’s lying on her back now, blankly looking up at the ceiling, tears streaming down her cheeks. So sad. So broken. I want to climb back into that too-small bed with her and hold her all night long. But she’s exhausted and needs her rest. I step back to her bedside and lean in to kiss her head.

“I’ve only ever been with you, Decker,” she says when my lips touch her skin. Her voice so quiet, I wouldn’t have heard her if I hadn’t been learning in.

I still, my mind trying to comprehend the importance of that statement while, at the same time, fiercely combatting it away.

I’ve only ever been with you.

I was pregnant.

Was.

Only.

Ever.

You.

I pull back and look at her. “Me?”

She closes her eyes and nods. “Yes.”

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Casey

I watch as Decker raises his tight fist up to his open mouth and bites down. His eyes are a picture of tortured devastation, and his knuckles are white. I did that. My secrets did that. My selfishness broke this beautiful man standing before me. He turns away from me, raking his free hand through his hair.

I sob, knowing that this is it. This is when Decker finally decides he’s had enough of me and my shit. I roll to my side, away from him, and curl up into myself, not able to stomach watching him walk away. The sobs wrack through me, causing me to lose my breath and the machines to make noise.

Saying goodbye to everything I’d ever known and moving across the country hadn’t broken me. Losing a baby I hadn’t known I’d had inside me and being diagnosed with a death sentence on the same day hadn’t broken me either. But this right here—knowing that Decker is going to leave me and never come back—is making my life flash before my eyes.

I see us meeting as six-year-olds…smiling the cheesiest smiles as elementary school graduates…awkwardly slow dancing at our eighth grade dance…me cheering him on at his baseball games…our first kiss…our first time…hugging at high school graduation…being back together again…

“Shh…” I feel him settle behind me, the dip of the thin mattress, his body curved tightly against mine, arms wrapped tightly around me while still mindful of the wires attached to me. “Shh, it’s okay, baby. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

I sob harder. Is this guy for real?

“Calm down, baby. You’ve got those monitors going ape shit.”

I nervously giggle as I try to calm my breathing. Only Decker could make me laugh right now.

In-two-three, out-two-three.

In-two-three, out-two-three.

I practice the breathing techniques Dr. Smythe had once told me would settle me down if I got too upset. I never really needed to use them. I’d turned my feelings off until my dad died, and I saw Decker again.

“I’m so sorry, Decker,” I tell him several minutes later, when the beeps on the machine are at a regular pace again.

“And I’m sorry I didn’t come after you when you left home. I should have. I’m sorry for a lot of things between us, Case.”

I shake my head. “No, I was a teenager basically having a childish hissy fit. You didn’t need to uproot everything to come after me when I was just being stupid.”

“But I can’t help but think–”

“No,” I cut him off. “No shoulda coulda wouldas. It’s the past, Deck. We can’t change it. It all would have happened whether we were still friends or not.”

He kisses the back of my head, and I sink further into his embrace. “But I loved you then. I should have gone after you.”

My heart melts at his words. “I loved you, too. But Decker, I don’t think either of us really knew it back then. In retrospect, it’s pretty clear. But at the time, I’m not sure I knew exactly what I was feeling. I don’t think you really did either.”

“Maybe,” he admits after brief consideration. “But you were still my best friend, and I shouldn’t have let you go that easy.”

“Maybe,” I agree just to stop him from beating himself up. “I was gonna come home for winter break. Thanksgiving was too short to go cross country, but I was going to come home at the end of the semester. I wanted to see you. To tell you I was sorry for leaving.”

“But you couldn’t…” he says.

“I went in the hospital right after Thanksgiving.”

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, Case.”

I squeeze his arm. “So how is your love/anger ratio doing?”

He holds out his loose hand where I can see it and tilts it from side to side in a so-so gesture.

I laugh lightly. “I
am
really sorry.”

“I know you are. I am, too.”

“So what happens now?” I ask him. I know he’s here laying with me again, but what does it all mean?

“Now, we fight for what we should have three years ago.” He kisses the edge of my ear. “But first, you sleep. You need your rest.”

I look over my shoulder, ready to interrupt him—not understanding what exactly we’re fighting for, or about, since we’re here together now. But he presses a kiss to my lips, silencing any words before they have a chance to get out.

“Sleep,” he tells me, his tone leaving no room for argument.

I sigh, knowing I owe it to him to just chill out for the night. He hasn’t even been here an hour, and we’ve already been through the emotional ringer. I rest my head on the uncomfortable pillow and settle back into his hold.

“I love you, Deck.”

“I love you, Case.”

***

Despite the daylight streaming into the window, I feel cold. My body immediately grieving the loss of Decker’s warm heat behind me. Where did he go? I can hear voices beyond the curtain, but they’re too far away to be in the room. I roll to my back and press the button to move the bed into an upright position.

As I run my fingers through my knotted hair, I wish I had a comb. Hell, I wish I had a shower. Hopefully they won’t keep me here much longer. I mean, I feel okay. I’m not in tiptop condition by any means, but I feel well enough to sleep in my own bed and lounge on my own couch.

I wonder if my mom ever came back to the room last night. I fell into a deep sleep after the emotional talk with Decker, so I wouldn’t know. Maybe he’s out there talking to her?

I reach for the remote on the bedside table and turn on the TV, hoping to find something decent on the tiny wall-mounted hospital television. Flipping through the channels I see that it’s all daytime talk shows and soap operas. How late did I sleep? I look at the wall clock, 12:30! Wow. No wonder Decker isn’t here, he most likely went to get lunch. He had to be hungry. I am a little bit, too.

A few minutes later, I hear the door open and click shut. “Rise and shine, sleeping beauty,” Decker says just before he appears around the curtain, carefully balancing something behind his back. “Hey,” he grins when he sees that I’m awake.

“Where were you?” I ask, curious about what he’s hiding.

“Aw, did you miss me?” he winks.

“Nah, I got a little more sleep since I didn’t have your snoring keeping me up.”

He laughs. “Yeah, right. First off, I don’t snore. Second, you were out like a light the second your head hit the pillow, and you actually let yourself relax last night. Don’t you bring me into your little web of lies.”

I giggle. “Whatcha hiding back there?”

He smirks. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

I’m hungry, and I’m starting to smell food, so yes, I would like to know. “Decker,” I use my most stern voice.

He shakes his head. “You’re no fun.” He brings his arm around, and he’s holding a brown paper bag. He sets it down on the bed and starts pulling containers out. “I wasn’t sure what you’d be in the mood for, and I got the okay from your doctor for all of it, since it’s not that shit hospital food some orderly tried to drop off in here this morning. Don’t worry, I shooed him away. I’m not letting my girl eat that. I swear they’re only trying to keep themselves in business by doling that shit out.”

I can’t help but smile as I listen to him ramble on and on. He’s adorable. I love that he went out and got me approved foods because he didn’t think the food they were serving was good enough for me. For
his girl
.

He pulls the wheeled tray table over my bed and sets a few containers on it. “We’ve got a salad with grilled chicken, no dressing.” He looks a little sheepish. “Sorry, but none the dressings they had were on the doc’s list. And there is some chicken noodle soup, which he said was probably too high in sodium but he let it go. I can be very persuasive.” He winks and sets down some silverware.

“Yes, you can.” I’m shocked he spoke with Dr. Smythe about my diet. Shocked and even more in love with him, if that’s possible. I pop the top on the salad and start picking at the chicken. “Hey, have you seen my mom?”

“Yeah, she came by last night after you were asleep and again this morning. She stayed at your apartment last night. I called Kate and gave her the heads up.”

Kate. The thought of my roommate brings tears to my eyes. I’ve really put her through hell. I’ve put everyone through hell. I hope Kate was just being overly emotional last night and didn’t really write me off. Decker must see the look on my face because he takes my hand and squeezes.

“Just give her time, Case. She was pretty shook up yesterday.”

I nod, knowing he’s right. I’m not exactly in the position to be demanding after what I’ve put my friends and family through. My behavior, my reasons…they all seem so silly now.

“So where is my mom now?”

“She was here for a few hours this morning, then she headed out after talking to Dr. Smythe. She’ll be back though. She just went to grab lunch.”

I nod, picking apart another piece of chicken.

“You know, it might help if you actually eat it,” Decker offers.

I smile shyly. “Right.”

I manage to eat the entire salad, even though eating a salad with no dressing is like eating leaves and grass. I know I should be more conscious of the nutritional value of things and their ingredients, but at home when I want a salad, I usually just stick with the light and low-fat options. Case closed. A salad without dressing? Unthinkable!

“You know we still have more to talk about, right?” he says after he clears away the empty containers.

“I know.” Decker is standing at the end of the bed, and he gives me a little grin, then grabs onto my ankles and pulls me forward a good foot. “What the hell, Deck?” I’m still sitting upright, so I’m not quite sure what he’s trying to accomplish, except taking away my backrest.

His smirk widens as he walks around to the side of the bed, kicks off his shoes and climbs in behind me, pulling my back against his chest. “This is much better, don’t you think?”