Change of Heart (20 page)

He sighed. “You deserve something special, Casey. Roses and candles and all that romantic shit.”

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. “I don’t care about all that stuff, Decker. If it’s with you, it will be special. I don’t need all that superficial stuff. I just need you.”

And that was true. I experienced all my intimate firsts with Decker, and none of them had been accompanied by candlelight or flowers. It was always just me and Decker, and that alone had made those moments amazing.

“Casey–”

He started to argue, but I silenced him by taking off my shirt. I wasn’t wearing a bra. Decker was a boob man and the mere sight of my breasts turned him into putty in my hands. Sure, it was an underhanded move, but I was much more likely to get my way when I was topless.

“Please, Decker,” I begged as I grabbed his hands and placed one on each breast, grinding against him, long and slow. Yeah, I was probably going to hell for trying to seduce the virginity out of him. “I need you so bad,” I added for good measure.

Decker groaned, and in one swift move he flipped us over so he was on top. “You’re an evil little person,” he whispered in my ear as he trailed a line of kisses down the side of my neck, along my collarbone, and down to my breasts.

I moaned as he took a nipple into his mouth, squeezing the other one between his thumb and forefinger. My hips thrust up towards his.

“Uh-uh,” he said. “If we’re doing this, we do it my way.”

I sighed in frustration. “Don’t tease me, Decker.”

He looked up at me and smirked. “I’m going to make you feel so good, Casey.”

Beep.

He moved further down my body. Kissing his way past my ribs and circling my navel.

Beep.

He bit down slightly near my hip bone, causing me to squirm.

Beep beep.

He hooked his fingers over the waistband of my shorts and slowly pulled them down.

“Don’t stop, Decker. Please.”

“Never, baby.”

Beep. Beep beep.

“I think she’s starting to wake up,” a distant voice says.

Beep.

What the hell is that beeping? And who is that speaking?

I fight to open my eyes through the thick haze filling my head. I’d been dreaming of my first time with Decker, and I really don’t like that I’d been interrupted. It’d felt so real.

I open my right eye slightly, squinting to take in the scene around me. White walls. Blue curtain. Drop ceiling. Hell with fluorescent lighting. Yay, I’m in the hospital. I close my eye and will it all to go away.

“Casey?” a familiar voice says. It’s Kate. I feel her put her hand in mine. “If you can hear me, squeeze my hand.” I squeeze. “She’s responsive,” she tells someone.

“I’ll go get the doctor,” the other person—a guy, I think—says.

“You scared the hell out of me, Casey Evans,” Kate scolds once the door clicks behind the mystery person.

“Sorry,” I think I say; I try to at least.

“Sorry isn’t going to cut it,” she says angrily. I hate it when she rags on me about this. I wish I could open my damn eyes, but I feel so sleepy.

“What happened?” I’m not entirely sure I’m speaking clearly, or at all, but she answers me so I guess she understands.

“You had a cardiac episode.”

I wince. That hasn’t happened in a while.

“You nearly arrested in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.”

I winced again. “Decker?”

Kate laughs, not in humor but disgust. Disgust at me for keeping this from him. “You’re just lucky he wasn’t around.”

“I kicked him out,” I say quietly. Almost hoping that she doesn’t hear me. Almost.

“You what?”

I struggle to open my eyes again and manage a slight squint. I look over at Kate. She’s standing at my bedside, wide-eyed and looking completely disheveled.

I did this to her. Again.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her.

“For what, exactly? For almost dying in our apartment? Not for the first time, I might add. For scaring the shit out of me? Again, not for the first time.” She’s ticking each item off on her fingers. “For not telling the guy you are
so
obviously in love with that you have a heart condition that you refuse to seek help for? Which one is it, Casey? What exactly are you sorry for?”

I close my eyes again, not able to take the fear and anger plastered on Kate’s face. I’m a coward. “For everything,” I tell her. “All of that. I’m sorry for all of it.”

She takes my hand again. “I love you, Casey. You know that. You’re my best friend. I’ve stood by you through so much, and you’ve stood by me, too. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t watch you self-destruct. Coming home this afternoon and not being able to wake you up? You were starting to turn
blue
. I thought it was the end. The
end
end. I was so scared.”

I open my eyes again, a little wider this time. Kate has tears streaming down both her cheeks. My heart breaks, more than it’s already broken, at the sight before me. My quiet but otherwise completely strong roommate is breaking, and it’s my fault.

“I’m sorry, Kate.”

“Sorry isn’t good enough, Casey!”

I cringe at her volume, but I know I deserve everything she throws at me. “Then what
do
you want me to say?”

“Nothing! I don’t want you to
say
anything. I want you to
do
!”

“Well, that’s not going to happen,” I say quietly.

Kate shakes her head. “I can’t sit by and watch you kill yourself any longer.”

I roll my eyes. “That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?”

“No, I don’t think it is.”

“I’m not killing myself, Kate. My body is doing a damn good job of that on its own.”

“You’re refusing treatment,” she spits, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I take my medication,” I argue.

“You’re prolonging your life, Casey. You’re not saving it.”

“It’s my decision to make!” The machine beside me is beeping more urgently, and Kate takes a step back, trying to regroup.

“You’re right, Casey. It is your decision. And it’s my decision not to be a part of it anymore.” Big tears spill out of her eyes and rapidly fall down her cheeks.

“What are you saying?” My voice is quiet, childlike. Kate has been my rock throughout all this. Ever since I’d been diagnosed two years ago, it’s been her and me. She’s the only reason my parents had felt it was okay to leave me here in California and hadn’t forced me to go home. Because Kate is here. She’s solid. She’s my person.

“I’m saying I can’t sit back and wait with you for you to die anymore. I understand that I don’t know what’s it’s like to be you, to be diagnosed with a potentially terminal disease. But Casey, you have options. This doesn’t have to be a dead end street for you. There are roads where you can turn off and you won’t explore them…you won’t even slow the car down. You’re twenty-one years old, and you’ve given up on yourself.”

“Kate, we’ve talked about this–”

“No, we haven’t talked about this. The doctor laid it all out for you and you chose. And you chose poorly. I don’t know what made you give up on life, Casey. But I can’t handle it anymore. I may be strong, but I’m not that strong. I can’t watch my best friend fall apart this way when there is a solution. The Casey I met freshman year was a fighter. Where did she go?”

Silent tears stream down my face because she’s right. I had been a fighter. I used to be strong. I’d left my hometown all by myself and forged a life for myself in California. I had dreams and goals, and I let this disease take them away. I should be ashamed of myself, but instead I’m just numb. Weak.

The door opens, and Jay walks in, in all his tattooed glory. He looks between Kate and me, forehead crinkling at the sight of our tears. “The doctor will be here in a minute.”

Kate nods and gives him a small smile. She steps back up to the side of my bed, leans forward and kisses the crown of my head. “I love you, Casey. Please,” her voice cracks, and she takes a moment to regroup, “please take care of yourself.”

I close my eyes, afraid that if I keep them open and watch Kate walk out that door, I’ll break. I feel the hot tears trail down, and I can taste their saltiness on my lips. I feel like I’m drowning in them. Once I hear the click of the door shutting, the first sob breaks free. Then the second.

My best friend just walked out on me, and I can’t even blame her for it. And if my other best friend knew what I’d been keeping from him, he’d probably walk out, too.

The worst part…I totally deserve it.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Decker

I feel a small thump on my shoulder.

“Decker?”

Another thump, this one heavier.

“Decker!”

I slowly open my eyes and see Kate peering down at me. Jay’s beside her, looking as serious as ever.

“Why does this keep happening?” I ask as I rub the sleep from my eyes, referring to the fact that this is the second time I’ve been woken up on the floor outside of Casey’s apartment. Kate doesn’t respond, so I look up to her and note the sadness I missed before.

I quickly rise to my feet, my insides filling with dread. “Is it Casey?”

Kate’s knees buckle beneath her, and Jay quickly grabs hold of her so she doesn’t fall. Sobs burst from her chest, and Jay pulls her close, tucking her head under his chin.

I can’t breathe.

“Why don’t we go inside?” Jay suggests, nodding to the door.

I pull out the spare key I swiped days before and unlock the door, pushing it open and stepping aside so Jay can walk Kate through. He takes her over to the couch, where she collapses in a heap of tears and sniffles.

I stiffly make my way across the room and sit down on the armchair caddy corner to the couch. Casey’s not here. Kate’s hysterical. Jay’s not talking, which is a surprise since he was so chatty at the club last night. I desperately want to know what the hell is going on, but I can’t find the words.

Jay appears with a glass of water and sits down beside Kate, pulling her into his side. After a few minutes she calms down enough to take a drink. Then she starts talking.

“Casey’s at the hospital,” she says, and I immediately jump to my feet. “Wait,” Kate says. “There are things you need to know.”

I look between Kate and the door, badly wanting to follow my instincts and rush off to be by Casey’s side. To be there for her. But the pleading look on Kate’s tearstained face convinces me to hear her out. I nod and sit back down.

Kate lets out a deep breath and continues. “Casey has a heart problem.”

My eyes widen, and my fingers dig into my jean-clad thighs.
No…not my Casey.

“She was diagnosed about two and a half years ago, during freshman year. They don’t know when the problem started exactly…how long she’s had it. But she’s been managing it pretty well with medication and a healthy lifestyle. But,” she pauses to collect herself, “her heart is very weak.” Her voice breaks at the end, and I see Jay squeeze her hand.

All I can think about right at this moment is who was holding Casey’s hand when she received this diagnosis? Was she alone? Was she scared?
Of course she was scared, you idiot.
But is she still scared? Who is with her now? Is she alone? Is someone holding her hand? Why hadn’t she told me? I knew Casey was hiding something all this time, but I never would have guessed it was something so…life altering.

“Is she okay right now?” I finally ask.

Kate looks down and sniffles, before looking up and meeting my eyes. “She’s stable.”

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. “Thank God.”

“Decker,” she says firmly, getting my attention. “Like I said, her heart is very weak. It can’t handle much more trauma, and today she had a cardiac episode. She passed out and stopped breathing. I had to give her CPR when I got home; she was turning blue from lack of oxygen. I don’t know how long she was out, but fortunately she woke up while I was at the hospital.”

I take my head in my hands. CPR? Lack of oxygen? That means she could have died. If Kate hadn’t gotten home when she did, Casey could have died. I fist my hair in my hands. It’s my fault. It’s all my fault. If I hadn’t upset her earlier, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
Shit!
Was I still outside her door while she was inside almost dying?

I get up and start pacing the room. My hands are still in my hair, and I want to pull every last one out.

“Decker, I’m so sorry to be the one to tell you all this. Casey should have told you. I told her to tell you.”

I stop pacing and look at Kate. “What else?”

Kate’s wringing her hands in her lap. I can see the internal debate through her eyes, she’s trying to decide how much to tell me. I’ll make is easy on her.

“Tell me everything. Please?”

She looks to Jay, for support I guess, and he nods. It makes me want to hug him. And at the same time, it makes me want to punch him because he obviously knows more about my Casey than I do and that pisses me off. Though I’m sure it’s Kate who told him and not Casey.

“Like I said, she’s stable now. But she almost arrested in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. It’s likely due to all the stress she’s been under since her dad died, driving cross-country twice, and just running herself ragged. She gets into these spells where she doesn’t take the best care of herself, and usually I’m able to straighten her out before anything happens, but I think all the added stress put a greater strain on her.”

Added stress. A.K.A. me. I’m the added stress. No wonder she kept trying to leave me behind. She was trying to save her own life. With that realization, I slump back onto the chair, causing it to scrape against the hardwood floor as it slides backwards.