California Sunshine (10 page)

              I got home late afternoon on Monday. While I was at the store I texted Josh. It was a picture of two bottles. One was whiskey, the other was rum.

              "Lesser of two evils?" I sent after the picture.

              He sent me a picture of a bottle of wine. "This is the lesser of two evils."

              I sent him a simple emoji. " :P "

              My phone began to ring. "You don't like wine?!" he asked, shock lacing his voice as soon as I answered.

              "Not particularly. It don't silence my demons, just gives me a headache."

              He laughed. "Well. Rum then," he replied. I grabbed the bottle and put it in the cart. "So your flight was good?"

              "Yes. Glad to be home, but missin' you already."

              "Is that so?" he asked.

              I bit my bottom lip. "Yeah." I mumbled.

              "Don't get flustered. It's cute, I'm glad to have someone who misses me. Really glad I have someone to miss as well. My house has felt a lot more empty since you left this morning, though."

              I smiled. "Has it?"

              "Yeah. Thought about building a fort, but realized it wouldn't be as much fun without you."

              I grabbed a box of cereal and threw it in the cart. "I say we have a fort buildin' contest and Skype. See who does better."

              "You're on. You'll probably win."

              I laughed. "We'll see. Remind me to never go to the store when I'm hungry. Please." I said, looking in the basket that had become filled with food.

              "Don't ever go to the store when you're hungry."

              "Haha. Very funny. I gotta get outta here before I spend all my money." I said as I began to walk towards the checkout lines.

              "Did you really get that much?" Josh asked.

              I looked in the basket again. "Hold on." I said and took a quick picture and sent it to him.

              "It's just you, though. You think you really need all that?"

              I laughed, "Yes. That way I won't have to go again. I stock up on stuff. Advantages of bein' poor when I was growin' up. Buy a lot of chicken and beef, freeze it and you've got somethin' to cook every night. Deer too, but I ain't eatin' game. I'm southern, but not that southern."

              He laughed. "Smart in the long run. You don't cook every night, though."

              "No. Most of the time I'm eatin' out, but on the rare occasions I am home, I like to cook."

              "I love to cook. We'll have to cook together at some point."

              "You sure about that? I get antsy when I ain't got my own space." I replied, standing in line behind a couple with a small child who kept staring at me.

              "I won't hover. You'll see how well it works out."

              "Only if you kiss me every once in a while," I replied, trying to whisper.

              "Why are you whispering? And I'll kiss you more than just once in a while."

              My face turned beet red, as I began looking at the candy. "I'm whisperin' 'cause I'm in line. And that just made me blush like never before."

              "Good. I love you in red. Wanna text me instead of talking out loud?" he asked.

              I smiled. "Please. I'll explain more in text why I'm whisperin'."

              "Okay. I'll talk to you in a minute. Bye."

              "Bye," I replied. Hitting end call and bringing up my texts. "This kid in front of me is just staring into my soul and the parents ain't even paying attention!"

              "How old is the kid?" I got as a reply.

              I looked up, looked at the parents who were oblivious and guessed the kids age. "Like 2?"

              "Give it some chocolate."

              I laughed out loud. "You're definitely the man of my dreams."

              "I hope so, or all this is for nothing."

              "Oh, it's not all for nothin'. Oh, hold on I'm next!"

              Once I was home and had everything put away I decided to call Ashley. She answered after the second ring.

              "It's about time you called me. I've been a little worried." She said.

              "Nothin' to worry about. Josh knew I made it home safe."

              "Of course he did. Is that all y'all do? Call and talk forever?"

              "No, we text and Skype too," I replied smiling.

              "You know what I meant!"

              "I know. So I was meanin' to ask, are y'all comin' in for Thanksgivin' this year?"

              "No. My parent's are actually flying out here. Along with Jacob, Jason, and Amanda."

              "Oh, fun! How are they all doin' by the way?" I asked, taking a sip of my tea.

              "Good. Jacob and Lisa just had their third baby. Jason got divorced and is dating some girl. And Amanda is still married with a toddler."

              "I had no idea Lisa was even pregnant!" I exclaimed.

              "Yeah, me either. So back to you and Josh. You should come out here and spend it with us for Thanksgiving. You ain't got nobody else."

              "I think I'm gonna fly solo this year."

              "Joanna, you can't keep flyin' solo. You just can't." She replied, and I could hear the worry in her voice.

              "I can Ash. I've been flyin' solo since I was eighteen, one Thanksgivin' ain't gonna hurt me to spend it alone."

              "I'm tellin' Josh."

              "Please don't. I don't need him worryin' either." I knew this was going to be a long conversation. So I grabbed the rum and mixed a little into my tea.

              "Well, one of two things will happen. He'll fly out there to spend it with you, or insist you fly here."

              "Well, I can almost guarantee what it'll be. He'll want me to come out there."

              "I gotta know. Are y'all together? Truthfully and I'll leave it alone. I swear."

              I sighed. "Ash I don't know. We might as well be, but at the same time, I think we're just tryin' to get to know each other. We're takin' it slow, we don't wanna rush into somethin'. He told me though that the next relationship he's in will be his last. I don't know how I feel about that. If we get into a relationship, I'm not sure about marriage."

              "Oh, Jo. I love you, I love him, but you two need to figure it out. You sound so confused. I think, though, that if a relationship happens with him, you'll reconsider marriage."

              I laughed. "Oh yeah, what makes you think that?"

              "I see how you two already look at each other. There's more than just like there in your eyes. There's love, respect, and a mutual understanding that you've both been hurt and that you're both really vulnerable."

              "How did you get so smart?" I asked, smiling.

              "I got to experience it for myself, but then being on the other side, seeing it in other people. It's one of those things I'll never forget. Now here's another question, have y'all had sex?"

              "Ashley!" I exclaimed.

              "You haven't. Have y'all kissed?" she asked.

              "Yes. Three times."

              "Have y'all shared a bed?"

              "Nope."

              "Y'all are weird."

              "No, we're vulnerable remember. Not gonna lie, though, I'm kinda ready for the whole sharin' a bed. I wanna know how much either of us could take."

              Ashley laughed. "Dirty girl!"

              I laughed. "Nope, just curious," I replied.

              After Ashley and I hung up, I remembered Josh had wanted each of us to build a fort. I quickly gathered blankets and put together a fort in my living room. I put pillows down on the floor and quickly called him on Skype.

              "Well, well, well, took you long enough." he said smiling.

              I laughed. "I called Ashley."

              "How'd that go? Did she ask about us again?"

              I smiled. "You should know that would be a resounding yes! She asked if we had sex, I said no. She asked if we've kissed I said yes and then she asked if we'd even shared a bed yet. I said no and she said we're weird."

              "Why the hell does she think that's weird?" I smiled, biting the corner of my bottom lip. "What? Do you think it's weird too?"

              I giggled. "No! I didn't say that. I did tell her I was kinda ready to share a bed." I replied, and winked.

              He smiled. "Oh yeah? Are you absolutely sure you're ready for that?"

              "Why not? It's not like anything would happen."

              "You sure about that?" he asked.

              "No, but sometimes I don't wanna be sure about nothin'."

              "You're making this distance thing kinda hard right now."

              I smiled. "Is that right?"

              He nodded, "Yeah."

              "Okay. Yeah, distance is gonna be a challenge." I finally said.

              He smiled. "Yeah. We'll make it work, though," he replied with a wink.

              I laughed. "Yeah after that conversation we'll have to won't we."

              He nodded. "Isn't it late there?"

              I looked at the time on my phone, "Yeah. It's midnight. I kinda need some sleep. I've got work tomorrow. So do you."

              "Don't remind me. I'll let you go. I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

              "Of course." I replied and then yawned, covering my mouth with the back of my hand.

              "Goodnight. Sweet dreams."

              I smiled. "Goodnight. I'm sure both our dreams will be sweet tonight."

              "Very true. Bye, beautiful."

              "By handsome." I replied and ended the call.

              I crawled out of my fort and decided to put it away later. I just wanted to go to bed.

              When I walked into my room, I realized how much I was beginning to miss Josh. And how weird it felt kind of being in a relationship. We were caught in the middle of being friends, but being more. In my heart, I knew I was ready for the more part, but my head kept telling me to wait. To be smart about it. Of course, my heart was arguing with my mind, saying no, it couldn't wait any longer. I sided with my mind this once. I did want to wait. I wanted to make sure that this was something that both Josh and I wanted. Not just something that would turn out to be another shot in the dark where we both got our hearts broken. You know you love him already, though. How is that going to break his heart? I asked myself as I climbed into bed, now fully awake. It'll break his heart if I push him away. The one thing I'm really good at. I want to be everything he wants and needs. I'm not sure I can be, though. Not with my dark days and my nightmares.

              I pulled the covers up around me and curled a pillow into my arms. He's already said that you deserve someone who will help you through those times. Let him. I yawned. I'm not sure I know how to let someone help me. I've always relied on myself. Besides, Lance never helped me. I closed my eyes, trying to silence my thoughts, but it wasn't working. Lance was a prick, though. He made you believe he loved you when he really didn't. I sighed. And who's to say Josh won't do the same thing. I rolled to my other side. You do. You know deep inside that he won't hurt you. So what do you say? If he asks you to be his girlfriend, what are you going to say? I smiled. I'm going to say yes. I thought as I felt my eyelids grow heavy. The voices finally silencing themselves. It was amazing what you could work out with yourself when you really had an in-depth discussion with those demons that always tried to make you hate life.

              Just before I began to doze off Josh's words rang in my head. "You're gonna make this distance thing hard." But I knew what he really meant, and I couldn't help but smile. I did love him, but I kind of hated him for having that conversation with me. Because now, the distance was becoming harder to handle for myself, and I didn't want to feel as though I was going insane.