Broken (8 page)

David

I busy myself with the coffee trying to calm my excitement.  She’s here in my house and she came on her own.  That’s
gotta count for something.  Baby steps matter, no matter how little. 

I give her the cup and the second I touch her cold fingers, electricity shoots all through my body, arousing me.  My jeans are feeling tighter, and I have a hard time sitting down.  I pray she doesn’t realize just what effect she has on me as I try
to casually fix myself under the table. I need to remember to wear sweats next time she’s around. She lifts the cup to her lips and after she takes a sip of the coffee, she licks her lower lip making sure it’s all clean.  I am salivating just watching her mouth.

“David, are you ignoring me?”  My right hand is still under the table pushing down my overly excited bulge. 
Don’t be weird or she’ll never come back
.

“Sorry, what?”
She gives me a full smile and I’m lost.  I want to taste those lips so badly it hurts.  Literally.  Pain, down south, excruciating, making me unable to think straight. 

“You were ignoring me.  I was asking exactly where we're going tree hunting.”

“Oh that.  No need to look so scared.  It’s not like I can take you out in the woods and have my way with you while Lily is with us.”  Now that’s an idea.  Woods and the two of us alone.  Ok, I have officially lost my mind. 

“Ok
, if that’s out, then where are we going?”

“I don’t know what’s different about you, but I like this new Jenny.”  She’s no longer smiling, and I’m scared that I might’ve said something wrong.  The last thing I want to do is scare her.  She looks down into her cup, her long lashes hiding her beautiful eyes.  I don’t know what she’s thinking and it’s killing me.

“Thank you,” she says at last.  I can finally breathe again. When she looks up, I know we’re ok.  “Soooo… tree hunting.  When did you want to go?”

“When Lily wakes up,
which is probably in the next few minutes.”  As if reading my mind, I can hear Lily’s steps in the hallway.  Jenny’s face lights up the moment she sees my little girl in the doorway.  I know she loves kids, it was plain to see the last time she was here, but somehow she gets all tense around Lily.   I continue to watch her as she moves to the sink and starts washing the cup before I have a chance to stop her.  I kind of like her all domestic in my kitchen.  She looks like she belongs here with me.  Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

“Hi
, Jenny. Are you going with us to get a tree? Daddy said if I took a nap we could get one tonight.”

“Hi
, sweetheart.  I would love to go, if that’s ok with you.”  Their little exchange turns me into mush.  “I’m going to get my bag and make sure I don’t burn the house down.  What time should I come back?”  Her voice is smooth as silk, making my head spin. Like a skilled witch, she’s putting a spell on me every time she’s around. And I am falling deeper and deeper into her web.  Not that I’m complaining; I want to be caught and at her mercy. 

“Baby, I’m going to walk Jenny out and then we can get ready, ok?  Why don’t you have a snack
?  Just one, ok?”

“Ok.  Come back Jenny so we can go fast, ok?” 

“You bet.” Jen starts putting her coat back on and I follow her to the door.  Before she can open it, I stop her.  She turns around and looks at me with her amazing blue eyes.

“What is it?”

“Are you going to run?”

“No, I’m going to walk.  It’s way too slippery to run.”

“Oh you’re funny, aren’t you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Every time you walk out that door, I have to wait weeks to get you back.  So I’ll ask again.  Are you going to run?”  Lily is talking from the kitchen, louder, trying to get my attention, distracting both Jenny and I.

“Go get Lily ready. I really have to go check on the house and get my bag.” She touches the side of my face and I’m a goner.  Like really, a puddle at her feet.  When did I become such a pussy? I’m no longer responsible for my actions.  My body is acting on its own.  I touch her fingers and move her hand slowly until my lips are pressed against them.  Her eyes get bigger, filled with curiosity, but she doesn’t move.  She continues to watch me as I kiss each finger then press my lips against her palm.  She trembles under my lips, and I know she can feel the heat between us as much as I do.  Does she even know what she’s doing to me? 

“Daddy! There’s a big spider.  Come fast.” The scream breaks the trance I’m in and Jenny smiles. 

“Go on.  I’m not running away.”

“You better not.  I know where you live. Come back whenever you’re ready.  The door will be unlocked.”

“Ok, stalker.”  I watch her walk out and can’t stop smiling.  I feel like I’m finally coming back to life.  And it feels so damn good.

Jen

As I’m walking home, I can’t help but smile.  I find that I’m always smiling when I’m around him.  There’s something about David that ignites the fire that burns within me.  I’m still getting used to the idea of him, feeling overwhelmed by his attention and desire towards me.  And desire there is. I felt it against my leg just minutes ago.  I may be out of practice, but I can still tell the difference between a bulge and a leg.  That was no leg pressing against me; I tell you that.

I let myself into the house and it feels like an oven already.  At least the furnace is working.  I adjust the thermostat then rush to the bathroom to freshen up.  Looking in the mirror, I’m surprised by what I see.  Just a few weeks ago, I looked gaunt and sad with empty eyes.  Today there’s a new woman looking back at me.  There’s life in my eyes and a glow on my face; something that I haven’t seen in a long time.  I’m starting to like this new woman, and I pray that I can stay on this path.  I add a layer of mascara then grab my bag and keys.  I walk back towards David’s house as my mind wonders just where we will be going, and I’m also feeling excited about seeing Lily again.

“Sandy, yoo-hoo,
wait up.”  I keep on walking, knowing exactly who’s calling me by that name.  It was enough to meet her once; I had no desire to talk to her again.  Amanda BigBoobs – ok that was mean of me but whatever – sure wants to talk to me. I can hear her heels clicking on the ice as she’s running to catch up.  I stop, but only because I wouldn’t want to be responsible for her neck, and turn around slowly. 

She’s dressed in a red coat with a large fur collar
—which I really hope is fake, and mile high boots.  Her face is full of makeup and red lips match her coat perfectly.  She’s smiling, although it’s plain to see she’s just as fake as her boobs.  I force myself to smile back, after all, there’s no reason to be hostile towards her.  She hasn’t really done anything to me personally except call me Sandy. 

“Hi Sandy.
  How are you?”

“I’m good, Amanda, and I think we both know my name is Jennifer.  Not Sandy.”  Her smile is intact but her eyes tell a different story.

“Oh really?  I’m so sorry.  I’m really not very good with names.  Listen, since I’m new and all to this neighborhood, I thought I would throw a party and invite some of the younger neighbors.  You know, get to know each other better.  So, do you think you can make it?  David and I would love to have you over.”

Sorry, say what?  She didn’t just say David’s name like he was with her.  Again, I’m having one of those freeze moments, and I see myself whack her ass on the ice.  Behind her, I see David and Lily coming down the sidewalk and I tense.  Is he into her and playing both of us? Or is he playing just me?

“Hey babe.  Lily got antsy and wanted to leave, so I was coming to get you.”  Amanda turns around with the big bright smile all over her painted face ready to throw herself in his arms.  I wait patiently, and what happens next really is priceless. David walks past her and wraps his arm around me, pulling me close, then drops a kiss on my cheek.  Amanda’s mouth drops to the floor, literally, still confused that he actually picked me.

“Oh hello, Amanda.
  Sorry, but I have to take Jenny with me, so whatever it was that you guys were discussing will have to wait for another time.”

“David, I didn’t know you two were-”

“Together?  Yeah, she’s kind of playing hard to get but I’m persistent.  Anyway, take care, ok?”

For a second I feel really bad for her. 
But only for a second.  I can tell she’s still stuck in the same spot as the three of us walk away towards David’s car.

“That was mean,” I whisper to him, but I’m doing cartwheels inside. 

“No, it wasn’t.  She scares me.  You know at that party she threw herself at me? She tried to grab my crotch right there in front of the whole damn neighborhood.”

“Oh poor
thing, and you didn’t like it.  Yeah, I really feel bad for you.”  I watch him as he helps Lily in her car seat then comes around to help me with my seatbelt.  “You know, I can put this on myself,” I tell him.  He gets closer and I can feel his breath against my neck. 

“I know you can,” he whispers softly. “But where’s the fun in that?”  I hear the click of the belt closing, but he doesn’t seem to want to move.  His lips stay close to my skin, but he doesn’t kiss me.  He hovers there for a few seconds as if unsure of what to do next.  I want to pull him even closer, but I’m afraid that we’re moving too fast.

“Come on Daddy.  Let’s go, let’s go.”

“I think it’s best if we go.”  I almost don’t recognize my voice.  It’s breathless, giving me away.  He knows he can make me burn, and he’s pleased with himself for that.  I can see it in his smile.  Our eyes meet and then he places a gentle kiss on my lips.  My entire body screams, and I immediately cross my legs, forcing the tingling sensation away. He shuts my door then walks around the front of the car, a big smile on his face.

“Two beautiful ladies next to me,” he says as he puts his seatbelt on. “I am one lucky guy.  Lucky indeed.”  He turns on the ignition and the truck bursts to life.  I twist in my seat to face Lily, and her face is one big smile.  She holds out her little hand to me, and I give her mine in return.  Right now David may think he’s lucky, but I am the one that’s feeling blessed. 

I try to pay attention to where we’re going, but all I can think of is being in the car with them.  I rest my arm on the middle divider and David links our fingers together.  His hand is warm and soft, and as he rubs his thumb against my knuckles, I’m starting to feel very relaxed and at peace.  Part of me loves the feeling he ignites in me each time we touch, but there’s also another side that tells me to pull back.

The last thing I want is to give him the wrong idea.  Nothing can come of it.  Maybe, if I’m lucky, we can be friends. 
But a relationship?  That would be very unlikely.  I know I’m not ready, no matter how much I would like to be.  All I’m feeling right now is lust. Raging hormones for a body that hasn’t been touched in a very long time.  Feelings that I can’t push back until they are no longer there. 

I don’t dare to look at him right now, so I look outside the window as the baby hums softly in the back seat.  So this is what a family outing feels like. 

“So what’s the story with you two?”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, David.  It’s plain to see she has the hots for you.”  He laughs at my comment.

“If I didn’t know any better, I would think you’re jealous.”

“Yeah, but you do know better.  Seriously, is there anything going on between the two of you?”

“Let’s get something straight.  If I wanted to be with her, I wouldn’t be driving with you right now.  I don’t play games, Jenny. I never have.  Besides she’s not my type.”

“Oh.  And what exactly is your type?”  He slows down the car at the stoplight then turns around to face me.  His expression both scares me and fills me with desire. 

“You are.” The light changes again and he continues to drive, unaware that with those two simple words he stole a piece of my heart.  “Do you want to get a tree for your place?”

“What?”

“A tree?
  For your place?” His voice sounds normal, unaffected by the energy that emanates from our touch.  I wish I could control my voice but it comes out shaky.  If he notices, he doesn’t say anything about it.

“Oh, no.
  It’s just me, so no need for that.  I can’t remember the last time I got a tree.”  I’m lying actually.  I know exactly the last time I had a Christmas tree.  Sam surprised me by bringing home a real tree although I told him not to.  It was the ugliest thing I’d ever seen but we spent hours decorating it with homemade ornaments.  That night we sat on the floor drinking hot chocolate and looking at the twinkling lights.  It was another good memory long forgotten. 

“It’s ok.  We don’t mind sharing the tree with you.” I fight the urge to pull my hand from his, but he senses and tightens the hold. “Sharing is good, Jenny.”  I don’t know if he’s still talking about the tree or something more.  Would he still feel the same if I told him all my secrets?  Would he still want to touch me if he saw all the scars?  He is so soft spoken and so gentle, patient and caring.  He deserves someone fresh and new. 
Someone without a past. 

We continue to drive in silence as he expertly moves the car around the traffic towards our destination.  When he finally parks on the side of a busy road, I wonder if we’re lost.

“Ready for a new adventure?  This should be fun.”  He winks and get out of the car. 

“Are you sure we’re in the right place?”

“Trust me.  This is the best place in town to get a tree.”

Seconds later, he’s taking a happy Lily out, securing her thick jacket around her small body.  Her cheeks are already getting red from the cold air, but that doesn’t seem to bother her.  She’s so excited about being outside, and the moment her feet touch the ground, she grabs hold of my hand.  I feel her fingers curl around one of mine and everything melts away. There’s no room for bad memories when she’s around.  All I can think about is how she makes me want to be better, to start new and be part of her life.  I’m more confused than ever, trying to fight the never-ending battle that’s consuming me from the inside. 

Like a robot, I follow David down the narrow sidewalk, both of us holding Lily, helping her walk on the icy path.  Just around the corner, the small alley opens into a huge lot, brightly lit with little lights of all colors, Christmas music coming from an oversized speaker.  The place is packed with last minute shoppers, all trying to find that perfect tree for their family.  Someone pushes me and I instantly freeze in place.  David’s eyes meet mine and before I know it, he pulls Lily in his arms and onto his shoulders, and draws me closer to his side.

“You ok?” 

“Yeah, sure.”  Who am I kidding?  This is too much, too soon.  Yet, I’m starting to feel the holiday cheer make its way back into my heart.  I’ve always loved the holidays.  The smell of pine, the hot cocoa, the twinkly lights.  It’s here, surrounding us, and once again, I realize how much I’ve missed it. 

“Hi there
, folks.  Can I help you?”  The Santa lookalike asks us, and Lily bounced on David’s shoulder with excitement.

“Santa, Santa. Look Daddy,
it’s Santa.”  He sets her down and I can barely contain her as she tries to run towards the big stranger. 

“I know sweetheart.  Let’s see if he can help us find the perfect tree.” 

“I think I have just the right tree you’re looking for.  If you and your beautiful family would follow me.”  I start telling him that we’re not a family, but David is already grabbing my hand and we’re walking towards the back of the lot where some of the larger trees are stored.  Ten or so trees later, David finally picks what he calls the “big one” and we’re ready to go home.  He makes a quick stop at a local hamburger place and orders a bunch of food then we’re on the road again. 

Lily sings along to the Christmas songs coming from the radio, and I feel so happy listening to her little voice. 
So happy that it scares me.  There’s a nagging pull at the back of my head that tells me I don’t belong here.  We arrive at his place and while he takes in the tree, I help Lily out of her coat and boots.  David is struggling with the enormous tree, and we try hard not to laugh.  He looks so freaking adorable right now and doesn’t even know it. 

“Come on
, Jenny.  Help me, help me.”  Lily pulls me down the hallway into her room.  It’s my first time inside her room, and I take a moment to look around.  It’s like a pink bomb exploded in here.  Everything has some kind of shade of pink, yellow, or purple.  There are princesses everywhere, some big, some small, and right in the middle there’s the smallest table and chairs I’ve ever seen.

“Wow.”

“You like it?  Look, this is Cinderella.  And this one is Sleeping Beauty.  She’s my favorite.”  Before I know it, my arms are full of dolls.  I feel exhausted, yet Lily’s energy has no limit.

“Come on girls, let’s eat before the food gets cold
,” David calls from the doorframe.  I’m about to tell him I’m not hungry, but he doesn’t give me a chance.  He circles my waist and pulls me out of the room towards the living room.  “What do you think?” He’s pointing at the large tree that is now standing in one corner.

“Impressive.”

“Yay Daddy.  It’s so big. Can we put the lights on, please Daddy?  Please?”

“Sure baby.  But first let’s eat.” The food is already on the coffee table
, and Lily pulls a little chair next to it.  She starts eating, her eyes focused on the tree.

“She has so much energy, doesn’t she?” I whisper, not wanting her to hear me.

“You have no idea.”

“I like the tree, by the way
,” I say and pop a fry into my mouth.  

“I’m glad you like it because you’re going to help me decorate,” he says and pulls me closer.

“Am I?”  I relax against his chest and close my eyes.  I can’t believe how safe and comfortable I feel with this man, although I haven’t known him for that long.  The more time we spend together, the more I realize that I could start to have feelings for him. 

“You bet.  By the way, I should’ve asked if you like hamburgers.”   The greasy food smells so good, making my mouth water. 

“Doesn’t everyone?”  I take the glass of wine he’s holding out for me and take a drink, hoping it will calm my nerves.  At least Lily is there, so it feels safer to be around him.

We take our time savoring each bite while sipping red wine.  Lily starts yawning and I can tell she’s trying hard to keep her eyes open.

“Sweetheart, I think we should decorate the tree tomorrow.  Jenny is tired too and we want her to help, right?”  Lily’s eyes move from her dad to me then back to David and she nods.

“Yes. 
Tomorrow.  You will come in the morning, Jenny, right?”

“Sounds good.”
 

“Ok
, say goodnight now.”  She walks slowly to me and circles her little arms around my neck.  I pull her to my chest and hold her tightly. 

“Have a good night
, Lily.”  I feel her little lips on my cheek as she gives me a quick kiss.

A few minutes later
, David returns and takes a big pillow off the sofa then lays down on it.  He pats the spot next to him and gives me a big smile.

“Come sit next to me.”

“It’s late.  I think it’s best if I go.”

“Do you ever relax?  I just want to spend some time with you.  Come.”  I move slowly and take the spot he’s saved just for me.  “See, I don’t bite.”

“Oh, so this is not some evil plan to get into my pants, then?”

“Evil plan?
  Oh babe, I’m not that smooth.  Like I said, I just want to spend some time with you…while I dream of getting into your pants.”  I swat his arm but can’t contain my laugh.  He’s too easy to be around. As I lay my head on his chest, I start to wonder what it would be like to spend every night like this, in his arms. The sound of his beating heart lulls me into the dream world.

“Hey babe, I’ll be home soon and I have a surprise for you.”

“What is it?” We’ve been in our new place for just a few months, and it still feels like a dream. 

“If I tell you, it’s not going to be a surprise anymore.”

“Oh just tell me, babe.”  Sam’s laughter is music to my ears. 

“I got us a Christmas tree. 
A real one.”  Sometimes I swear he sounds just an overly excited kid.  He is so happy and carefree all the time, but then again I’m stressed enough for both of us. 

“Sam, you are allergic to the real ones.  Take it back or give it
away, and we’ll get a plastic one like we talked about. Hello?”

“Babe you’re breaking up.  I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

“Jenny, baby, wake up.”  I jump up and look around the room.  It takes me a few seconds to realize I’m at David’s.  He’s watching me with worried eyes as I try to focus.  “Are you ok?  You were talking in your sleep.”

“Yes, sorry.  How long have I been sleeping?”

“I’m not sure. The dream…. It didn’t sounds like it was a good one…you want to talk about it?”  I avoid his eyes and cover my face with my trembling hands.  The dream was so real. But unlike others, this time it was a happy dream.  A good memory that Sam and I once shared.  No matter how happy the memory, I still can’t get myself to share it with anyone else.  Not even David. I pretend not to hear his question and start gathering my things.

“What time is it?” I slide my boots back on.  Now that I think about it, I don’t even remember taking them off. 

“I’m not sure.  Why don’t you stay the night?”

“As enticing as your invitation is, I really must go.  I have an appointment tomorrow and some other stuff to take care of.  I had fun tonight, David.”  As expected, he’s the perfect gentleman.  No pressuring, no questions.  He helps me with my coat, and we walk hand in hand towards the door.  We stop in front of it, and he turns me into his arms. His lips touch the side of my face and I lean into him.  I look up and meet his eyes then bring his lips to mine.  I can still taste the wine on his tongue, and I drink it all in, letting the flavor burst into my mouth.

I lose myself into the kiss and every part of my body is responding to his touch.  My breasts ache and beg to be released and touched. And there’s a familiar, yet long forgotten, feeling in the pit of my stomach. His desire is as strong as mine.  We’re so close, yet I want him closer.  We start moving against each other, and I can feel his hardness against my stomach, pressing hard against me.  My hands are itching to touch him, but somehow I find the strength not to.  Tonight is not about that.  I have to make sure I’m ready for this; because once we cross that line I know there’s no turning back. We rub against each other in an agonizing dance, and I’m about to explode.  The release is more powerful than anything I’ve ever experienced. 

When we finally move apart
, we’re both breathless.  What did just happen?  With one kiss, he had the power to transport me into another dimension.  How did he do that?  How could he make me come apart with just a touch? I’m trembling all over, unsure if I’ll ever be able to walk again. 

“Stay,” he whispers against my lips.  Can I?  Can I put everything aside for just one night and pretend the past doesn’t exist?

“Not tonight.”  He lets out a long sigh but doesn’t press me further.