Broken (6 page)

“Remember when I told you I make a mean breakfast?”

“Hmm.”

“How about I make it for you tomorrow?”

“Sounds good,” I reply without hesitation. I don’t know if it’s the champagne talking or the desire to piss off the Amanda chick, but right this moment breakfast with him sounds wonderful. 

“Have a good night, Jenny.”  He leans forward and kisses me.  It’s not a long kiss, no tongue involved, it’s more like a peck but it’s enough to make me hot all over.

OH MY GOD. Butterflies, birds singing, sun shining, and everything in between.  That’s what the kiss felt like.  I want to rush back after him and have him kiss me again and again, until I no longer know my name.  I walk away with unsteady legs dreaming of all the things he could do with those warm soft lips.   And I would totally let him.

The feeling of bliss is only temporary and as soon as I’m inside my house, the guilt returns.  I feel like I’m betraying Sam with my want for David.  Dr. Collins’s words follow me throughout the house as I get ready for bed. 
You need to move on and let the past rest.  It’s what Sam would want for you.

I take my pills and go to bed, my mind drifting to David once again.  He’s cooking for me while I play with Lily and we look like a normal happy family. But in the morning
, I remember that it’s only a dream.  

The morning comes all too soon, and I’m still deciding if agreeing to have breakfast with him was right decision. There are things he doesn’t know about me.  Things that could make him regret ever meeting me.  And then there’s Lily.  Would I want someone like me around her?  I push all the negative thoughts aside and really take my time getting ready.
It’s not a date; just two people sharing a meal. A meal and hopefully another kiss, or two, or… Snap out of it Jen.

His house is only a few steps away but I feel like I’ve been walking for hours.  My heart is ready to burst out of my chest. I almost laugh at myself for being so nervous. He opens the door before I have a chance to knock and pulls me into his arms.  His face is warm and inviting, his body strong, fitting perfectly against mine.

“I was afraid you wouldn’t show up.”  He’s just as nervous, and I instantly feel better.

“I said
, I would.”

“Yeah well, I never know with you,” he smiles and takes hold of my hand, pulling me into the warm kitchen.  The entire place looks like a cooking show explosion. “I know it looks scary but don’t worry.  I’ll have it clean in no time.” 

“If I like what you’ll feed me, maybe I’ll help you clean up.”  The conversation flows with ease, and I’m really enjoying his company.  He serves me a plate filled to the rim with eggs, bacon and sausages.

“I hope you don’t plan on keeping me captive until I finish it all.  There’s enough to feed the entire block here.”  Just as he’s about to answer, Lily walks into the kitchen looking sleepy.
God, she has to be the most beautiful little girl I’ve ever seen.  Her face is flushed from the warmth of her room and you can see she just woke up.  Her long hair is going wild in every direction making her even more adorable.

“Hi honey.  Did we wake you?”  She gives a big yawn and walks in, taking the seat next to mine. 

“No.  I woke up because it’s morning Daddy.  He’s silly sometimes,” she says to me and I can’t help but laugh.  She’s so serious and so unlike any other child I’ve met. 

“That’s not funny, you two.”  He prepares a small plate for her and she dives right in.  “Eat, Jenny, before it gets cold.”

“Yes, sir.”  Lily is too busy to pay any attention to us.  “How old are you?” I ask curiously. 

“She’s three and a half.” 

“She asked me Daddy.  I’m almost four.”

“Are you always this good?” 

“Yes,” she answers quickly.

“Pfff, yeah right. Don’t let that pretty face fool you.”

“Hmm, I think I’ll take her word for it.” I give Lily a wink, and get more giggles in return.

“I’m deeply hurt.  I spent all morning making this food to impress you and you’re pushing me aside for my daughter.  Figures.” We continue to eat for a while and before long, Lily gets tired of our company and goes to her room to play.  “To answer your question, you’re right.  She’s pretty good.” I watch him with fascination. It’s like there is a new light cast upon him and now I can finally see him clearly.  He’s is such an amazing father, a quality not many men possess.  Losing his wife had to be devastating, and, unlike me, he had to find the strength to live again for his precious girl.  Unlike me, he didn’t have the luxury to hide in a hole and mourn.   “Why are you so quiet?” he finally asks.

“Nothing, I’m just enjoying this,” I say and look around the kitchen.

“What?  The mess?”

“Sure, that too.  So tell me about yourself.”  I’m suddenly curious to know everything.  His likes and dislikes, what makes him nervous or happy.  Because for some unknown reason, I want to see him happy.

“What would you like to know?” he asks, stabbing a piece of bacon with his fork and putting it into his mouth.  I watch it disappear behind those amazing lips, making my mouth water.

“Everything.” I swallow hard and try to concentrate on something else rather than his mouth.  Too dangerous.

“Ok, let’s see.  My father was stationed in Korea and that’s where he met my mom.  He tells everyone that he was instantly in love and knew right away that he was going to marry her.  My mom was not too keen on making the move to the States.  Her English was not that good and she had a very large family that she was really close to.  In the end, love won and she follow my dad here.  Two years later they had me and the rest is, as they say, pretty much history.”  He starts cleaning our plates and I, in spite of his refusal, I start helping out.  It’s as if we’ve done this hundreds of times, him loading the dishwasher, me clearing the table.  The place is getting back to normal, with only the stove needing a scrub.  He’s already working on that, when the stack of papers catches my eye.  There are drawings, cartoonish characters, and even to my novice eye, I can tell they are professionally done.  Whoever the artist is, he’s very good.  I flip through them and right smack down in the middle I find a portrait.  It’s a woman’s face and she looks very much like me. I clear my throat to get his attention.   His eyes move from me to the drawing and back, and I can tell he’s not sure what I’m thinking.

“Oh shit. I can explain.” 

“Is this me?”

“Yes.  I-”

“It’s very good.  Is this like a hobby of yours?”  He laughs nervously and wipes his hands on the kitchen towel. 

“It’s my job actually.  I’m a cartoonist.”  He comes next to me and starts showing me the projects he’s been working on.  They are really amazing, and I can tell he loves what he’s doing.  His love and devotion show in his work. 
Do I love writing?  Does it show in my stories?
“My wife, when we first got married, she used to make fun of me when I told her I was going to draw for a living.  It turned out I had a knack for it, and there were several entertaining companies that were interested in contacting me.  Plus it gives me the freedom to be with Lily.”  He places each drawing back into the folder and we move back to the kitchen table to finish out coffees. 

“How is it that you talk about her with such ease?” I don’t dare to look at him as I ask him this.  I’m not even sure why I asked.  Curiosity gets the best of me sometimes and if I’m being honest, I want to find out if there’s some secret that I don’t know about that helps you move out of the mourning stage. 

“I don’t know, Jenny.  She was my wife and I loved her very much.  I always will.  But I know she wouldn’t want me to be stuck in the past.  Just like if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t want her to be unhappy either.”  I repeat his words in my head over and over and they make sense.  I’m smart enough to know what he means.  But maybe the same rule doesn’t apply to me.  He watches me, I can tell, and since I don’t say anything he decides to press on. 

“Not that long before the accident we were watching television one evening.  There was a documentary about a woman who was in a coma.  There were tubes all over and Becky started crying.  I wanted to change the station but she stopped me.  We ended up watching the entire thing and it was because of that program that we started talking about
what ifs
. Jenny, life is not this perfect path and we can’t expect things to last forever.  As long as we remember what we had, that’s all we can do, and move on.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I take a deep breath and push the cup of coffee aside.  Maybe I was just a crazy person, just like the file said, and crazy people like me were not allowed to move on.  Who knows? “So this drawing of me-”

“Like I said, I can explain.  Ok, maybe I can’t.  I don’t know.  I just love your face?  Is that a good enough explanation?”

“Hmm, I’m not sure.”  We’re both quiet as I study the drawing closely.  It’s uncanny looking at myself, a frozen face, with eyes filled with pain.

“Jenny, what happened to you?”  His voice is low and calm.

“What makes you think something happened to me?”

“You can tell me, you know.”  I take a few short breaths, praying they’ll give me the strength to tell him what he wants to know. 

“I was six months pregnant with a baby girl,” I say at last.  It’s more than I ever said, even to Dr. Collins, and I know David is breaking down my security walls, one brick at a time.  I’m not really sure how I feel about that, but I find myself wanting to tell him at least a few small pieces of what’s been hurting me.  He doesn’t look surprised at all at my confession.  “Why do I have this weird feeling that you already knew that?”

“Don’t be mad, but Kate kind of told me that.”
Thank you Mom, you little snitch
.

“I’m not mad.” A
m I?
“I know she’s worried about me.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” I smile sweetly and pray that he won’t press me any further.  If he only knew that just being here in his house, having a normal conversation is more than I’ve done in the last five years.  It’s a freaking breakthrough, if you ask me.

“Ok.  We can talk about something else then.”  Why does he have to be so amazingly nice? Everything about him is calming and inviting.  He’s just … well, nice.  “Let’s go in the living room that way I can make sure Lily doesn’t set the house on fire.  Although she’s probably busy watching Sesame Street. Want me to bring your coffee?”  I shake my head and he offers me his hand.  I look at it as if it’s some alien object, but in the end
, I let my fingers touch his and let him pull me away into the hallway.  There’s electricity shooting through my fingertips, sending a warm feeling all the way down to my very bones. 

The living room is large and very scarcely furnished.  One wall is covered by a tall entertainment unit with bookshelves on either side of the big screen TV. Two soft brown sofas are placed in an L-shape with a wooden coffee table in the middle.  The big shaggy rug under it completes the room nicely giving it a welcoming look.  The wall behind one of the sofas is covered with family pictures, snapshots of Lily as a newborn, and in many of them
, she’s in the arms of a small, young woman.  The woman looks so happy and alive.  The love she has for her daughter shows in her smile and the way she looks at the little bundle she’s holding tightly to her chest. 

Lily is sitting on the floor, surrounded by dolls and other toys, watching the television.  She is so involved in the large yellow bird that she doesn’t even acknowledge our presence.  David moves to one of the sofas and pats the cushion with his hand, his way of telling me to sit next to him. 

I’m overwhelmed with emotions, the kind that pull you out of your body, spin you like a Mary-go-round, and leave you breathless and confused.  Part of me wants to stay and get comfortable next to this amazing man.  But there’s also that part that tells me to run the hell out of his life before all my skeletons come running and ruin him the way they ruined me.  Lily is talking to the colorful monsters on TV, carefree and happy.  David is still watching me quietly, waiting for my next move. 

“I better go,” I say at last.  “It’s been, hmm, interesting.”

“Stay.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?  We don’t bite, I promise.  Unless you want me to.  Ok, that came out cheesy didn’t it?” he laughs nervously.

“No it’s not that, I just have some stuff to do.  So, yeah.”

“Hmm, ok.  I’m glad you came, and I hope we can do it again sometime.”

“Do it?” Hey, no one said I couldn’t flirt with the guy. It comes naturally whenever I’m in his presence. 

“The breakfast.  Or whatever else you had in mind.  I’m pretty flexible.”  We both laugh at the little innuendos.  “Come on, I’ll walk you out.”  I say goodbye to Lily, surprised at the big hug she gives me.   Kids are so innocent and ready to love you without asking for anything in return.  I envy that.  I’ve always wondered why we can’t all feel that way. David takes my hand and we walk the small distance from the living room to the entry door in silence.  “I really enjoy spending time with you.”  His voice is like music to my ears.  He could probably read me the phone book and it would sound beautiful.  

“I did, too. Do, too. Look, I know you probably think I’m strange.  The truth is, I am strange. This, today, is been the most socializing I’ve done in years.  So thank you.”  Instead of saying anything, his hands frame my face, pulling me slowly, closer and closer to his lips.  I don’t dare to move, or breathe, as his fingers touch the back of my neck. The kiss is gentle, patient; he’s savoring me, nibbling on my lips, tasting.  When we finally move apart, my whole body is shaking with desire. 

“WOW. I better go.”  He smiles and gives me one last kiss before he moves his hands away.  My hands are still trembling as I unlock the front door.  

“Let me take you out for dinner.” His words are rushed and I’m wondering if I heard him right. 

“What?”

“Go out with me, Jenny.  Like on a date.”

“A date?  Yeah, that’s not very likely. David, look, you are really nice but dating is really not for me.  I’m sorry.”  I turn again ready to leave, but once again his voice stops me.

“Just one date.  Please say you’ll think about it.”  He’s pleading voice has the power to cut through all the chains around my heart.  How do I say no?

“Ok,” I whisper.  “I’ll think about it.”