Broken (10 page)

My mom finally returns home, and Shelly and her mom join us for dinner.  It almost feels like old times, yet it’s not the same.  At midnight
, we exchange gifts and take turns telling stories from way back, high school days. 

Shelly’s mom cries when she sees the mixer I got her.  What she doesn’t know is that it was one of my gifts from my bridal shower. 
A gift that was never used. It never came out of the box.  We, Sam and I, didn’t want to use it until we were done remodeling the kitchen.  Instead, we had most of the gifts still packed away in storage.  It didn’t feel right to use them now.  They were meant for both of us, gifts for a soon to be married couple, not a widow. God, I hate that word. 

It was after one in the morning when Shelly and her mom finally went home.  Mom kissed me goodnight, the same way she did when I was little, and I was left alone, just me and my thoughts.  The living room looks like a winter wonderland, every nook and cranny filled with snowmen, angels, and colorful lights.  Mom always loved Christmas, and from the looks of it that love hasn’t changed. If anything, it has got stronger. 

I pour myself a glass of red wine and grab one of mom’s old paperbacks.  Nothing like a good book to take your mind off things.  I’m about to dive in when I get the text from David.  Just seeing his name light up the screen makes me smile. 

“Merry Christmas Jenny”

“same to you. How’s Lily?”

“
she’s good.  She loved your gifts.  You spoil her too much”

Would it be weird if I told him that I loved that little girl as if she were mine?  That there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her?  Maybe it is weird.  It sounds weird even to me, but it’s true. 

“she went to sleep dressed in all the three princesses’ outfits”

“I can just imagine how cute she must look.  I’m glad she liked them.  I wanted one for myself but they didn’t have them in my size”

“lol I wouldn’t mind seeing you dressed in one of those outfits”

Before I could reply, the phone rang and I had to take a few short breaths to calm my nerves.  It was as if this was our first time talking on the phone. 
Pull yourself together woman
.

“Hey
, babe. How come you’re up so late?”

“Maybe because I knew you would call?”

“Do you always have to answer a question with a question?”

“
Haha, very funny.  Why are you up?” 

“Lily didn’t want to go to bed, then I started talking to Dad about things, and before I knew it, it was almost morning.  I’m sorry I texted you so late.” His voice wraps around me like a soft warm sweater. 

“I wasn’t sleeping anyway.”

“So, did you decide?  Are you coming here this weekend?  Ring in the new year with me
, Lily, and my family? They would love to meet you.”  Did he tell them about me already?

“No, but thanks for the invite.
  I’m actually going to spend it with mom and my next door neighbor.”  There’s a momentary silence and I wonder if I lost him.  “Hello?”

“Next door neighbor?”

“Seriously?  Come on, you can’t be jealous.”  I want to add that we’re not even officially a couple, but I decide that it’s best to keep that to myself. 

“Damn right I am.  So who’s this neighbor?”

“Relax.  Her name is Shelly and we went to school together. I’m sure you’ll get to meet her someday.”  I hear him let out a loud sigh.  Was he really jealous?  I don’t think Sam has ever been jealous.  Not that he had reasons to be.  But he was so confident in himself, in us, that jealousy was never an issue.

“Oh Shelly?
  Well ok.” Another long pause follows, yet it’s not uncomfortable. By now I know how he is.  He’s probably over-thinking this whole thing, maybe even coming up with ideas of how to get me to go spend the New Year with him.  He also knows that he will not be successful.  “I wish you were here.  I really miss you.” 

“David, look
—”

“Please babe, don’t ruin it.  Just let me do the talking.  I don’t expect you to say anything until you’re ready, and I know right now you’re not.  But I feel what I feel and that’s not going to change, even if you say things like ‘David, look.’  So I’ll say that I miss you so much it hurts, and I would give anything to have you right next to me right now, and you’re going to be a good girl and listen.” How does he do that?  How does he make me laugh all the time, even when I don’t feel like it?

A few minutes later, we say goodnight. I hang up and I’m sitting there all alone, and I realize that I miss him, too.  The book no longer appeals so I walk up to my room with thoughts of David following me every step.  He’s done it.  He’s found a way to mend my broken heart.  I don’t know when I finally fell asleep, but the smile I had on before I went to bed was still there in the morning.  It was going to be a good day.

“I still don’t know why you won’t stay here until after the holidays.  I don’t have to go visit Gloria.”  I’m having breakfast with Mom and she’s not happy with my decision to go home today.  Gloria is her sister, and I know she would have more fun there than staying home with me. 

“Ma, it’s not a big deal.  Besides, I’m sure there’s some kind of block party I could crash if I feel like celebrating.  Stop worrying about me, please.”

“Who else do I have to worry about, sweetheart? You are my baby, no matter how old you get.”  She holds my face in her soft hands and pulls me closer for a kiss on the forehead.  It makes me think of Shelly’s words.  Until she sees some change in my life, she will never stop worrying.

“Maybe after the New Year I can have a small party at my house.  Invite Shelly and her mom so they can meet David.”  Her face lights up the moment I say David’s name.  Like he’s the answer to everything.  If that’s what makes her happy, then I’m ok with it. 

“Oh honey, that’s a wonderful idea.  Maybe like a housewarming party since you didn’t have one when you moved it.”

“Sure Mom, why not.”  I can almost see her wheels turning.  Already planning everything.  “I’m going to go say bye to Shelly then go home.  I don’t want to get caught in a snowstorm.”

“You do that.  I’m going to pack some food for you to take home.”  That meant I had at least thirty minutes to visit with Shelly.   When it comes to packing food, she always makes sure to give me enough to last at least a week. 

The chill hits me the second I open the door.  I cover my face with my wool scarf and hurry as fast as I can down the few steps towards Shelly’s driveway.  I find her outside on the porch smoking.

“What in the, woman?  Are you crazy?  You’ll freeze your ass off.  I can’t believe your lungs are not frozen already.”  She smiles but puts out the half-finished cigarette.

“Let’s go inside, softie.”

“Can’t stay long.
  I’m driving home today.”

“How come?
Big plans with Mr. Take-It-Slow?”

“Very funny, but no.”
I follow her inside, thankful to be out of the cold.  It smells like cinnamon, warm dough, and coffee. 

“Want some coffee?” she asks and pours herself a cup.

“Sure why not. Where’s your mom?”

“She didn’t feel good so she went back to bed.”  I take the cup from her and wrap my fingers around it. 

“I’m sorry.  I hope it’s nothing serious.”  She slowly drinks the hot liquid and shakes her head. 

“She’ll be fine.  I told you she worries too much.  Why are you going home?  Didn’t you say David is out of town?”

“He is.” 

“Umm, then why are you going home again?”

“Because I want to, now stop being such a mother.  I’ll call you, ok?  Oh, and let me know if you ever need a place to crash.”    There is a plate full of cinnamon buns on the table, glaze and everything.  “She made this for you?” I ask Shelly and point at the plate. “What time did she get up?”

“That’s the thing.  She didn’t go to bed last night.  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I can’t wait for the year to be over so I can start my job search again.  No one is hiring right now and most of the places are closed for the holidays.”  I stay silent.  I don’t know what to tell her.  How can I comfort her when my life is such a mess? 

“Have you tried to talk to her Shel?”

“She won’t listen.  She just changes the subject.  I think she looks at Lucas and how happy he is with his family, and immediately feels that since I don’t have that I can’t possibly be happy.  We are both exhausted.  Me, from trying to make her see I’m ok, and her from trying to fix me with every single bachelor she comes across.  Anyway, it will be fine.  Next year is going to be great, I can feel it.” 

“I am here for you.  Just tell me what you need and if I can, I’ll help you.” I look at the clock on the wall and decide it’s time for me to head out.  “I better get going.  I hate the traffic right now with all the last minute shoppers.”

“These are not shoppers,” she laughs.  “These are the people that realized they spent too much on Christmas and are now returning the shit in hope to get some of that money back.” 

“You’re still nuts, I tell you. Call me anytime, you hear?  I don’t sleep much anyway.” 

“I will.  Don’t start worrying about me too.  I have enough of that here at home.” 

I walk back to the house and just in the short walk, I can tell the temperature has dropped a few degrees.  Mom is busy packing food and cookies for me to take home.  The kitchen table is covered in plastic containers but I pretend not to see them.  If I say anything, she’ll get her feelings hurt so I might as well smile and prepare to eat turkey and sugar cookies for at least six months.

“Honey, you’re all set.  I got you two jars of your favorite jam and there are two boxes of cookies here.  Just one is for you.  The other is for Lily.  Don’t forget.  I really wish you would stay, but I know you’re stubborn just like your dad, may he rest in peace.”

“Mom.” When she doesn’t answer, I turn her around and gather her into my arms. “Mom, I want you to promise me that you’ll have fun at Aunt Gloria’s, and in return I’ll promise to do anything I can to get my life going.  What do you say?  Do we have a deal or what?”  I watch her shake her head and a little smile forms in the corner of her mouth. 

“You got yourself a deal, missy.”

I spend the next few days writing and making a dent in the box of cookies.  I go through cups a coffee like a high-end coffee shop, which could be the reason why I no longer feel the need to sleep.  The novel I’m working on is nothing like any I’ve written before.  It’s light and full of fluff, cheerful.  The way it’s heading, it will most likely have a happy ending.  Do I believe in happy endings?

Shelly keeps calling, making sure I haven’t gone crazy again, and I love her for that.  She knows just what to say and when to say it.  I listen to her talk about the party she’s going to on the thirty-first but as before, I decline the invite. 

She calls again on the day of the party.  The last day of the year.  The day I write on my calendar as the last day of my old life. 

“Why are you stubborn?  Just say you’ll go, and I won’t bug you about it anymore.  Come on.  You can be my date.  What if I end up going home with some psycho?”

“I think you’ll be just fine without me.  Maybe even get lucky and find someone worth your time.  Listen, are you still looking for a job?”

“You know it.  Are you going to hire me to be your muse or something?”  God, she’s crazy.

“I got all the muse I need for now, but I’ll keep you posted. But seriously, as I was driving home the other day, I saw a big help wanted sign at Johny’s.”

“The bar?
  You kidding me?”  Her voice goes up an octave, a clear sign of excitement. 

“I take it you want that job?”

“Hell to the yeah, girl.  You know how good the tips are there.  I’m going to call right now.  Scratch that.  I’m driving there.”  She hangs up without saying goodbye but it doesn’t bother me.  I know how she is and she’ll call back again to apologize. One thing about Shelly?  She hasn’t changed a bit.  Still all over the place, still lovable and loyal.  Still the Shelly I’ve known all my life.  Unlike me, she did not let her past change her.  I wish I could say the same about myself, but I know better.

I make a quick cup of tea and look out the kitchen window while the water boils.  The street is empty and there are no footprints in the snow.  It looks so peaceful, like a postcard. 
Perfect weather for some writing. I grab the cup of tea and move to my office to do some work.  I stare at the computer screen and smile for no reason at all.  After a quick call to my mom, I decide to check in with Valerie.

“Hello dear?” her cheerful voice greets me.

“Hi Valerie. I hope I didn’t interrupt anything.”

“No, I was actually getting ready to go out. What about you?  Any plans for tonight?”  A while back I would’ve lied to her about my plans.

“Nope.  Staying home and getting some work done.  But then again I might change my mind the last minute and join Shelly or something.”

“Good, good.  You shouldn’t be alone, tonight of all nights.” 

“You’re right.  Listen, I won’t keep you any longer.  Have a wonderful time and Happy New Year.”

“Same to you
, dear.  Same to you.” 

“Oh, and Valerie?
  Thank you for everything.  I can’t tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve ever done for me.  Just wanted you to know that.” 

“You’re very welcome,” she says after a short pause. 

We say our goodbyes and before I can forget, I send a quick text to David.  I don’t want to talk to him right now.  He’ll know I’m all alone on New Years and there’s no point in ruining the fun for him.  I stare at the phone for a few seconds, but there’s no reply from him.  The battery is almost dead so I turn it off and plug in the charger.  No distractions mean more work.

I type until my fingers go numb and the room grows dark.  I glance to the clock and see that it’s almost midnight.  Another year is about to go by.  Another year wasted.  I turn the laptop off and stretch my tired bones.  Maybe a sandwich and some TV will help me sleep tonight. 

The loud bang from the front door startles me and I jump from my chair. 
What in the world
? I walk slowly down the dark hallway when the bang comes again. 

“Open up, Jenny.  I know you’re home.”  David!  I unlock the door and there he is, covering the entire frame, and he doesn’t look very happy.

“What are you doing here?”

“Oh, hello to you too.
  Think I could come in?  I forgot my house key and spent all the cash I had bribing a very upset taxi driver to drive me here just so you won’t be alone.  Since you very nicely forgot to mention that you would not be at your mom’s. So how about it?”  I’m too shocked to speak so I just move aside and make room for him.  He towers over me and I can tell he’s cold.  He pushes the door closed and starts taking his coat off. 

I can’t believe he did this for me.  He left his family for me. 
FOR ME.  My eyes moisten, and I can’t help the tears that are threatening to spill. 

“Hey, I’m sorry,” he says when the first tear falls on my cheek.  “Want me to go?  I just wanted to see you and make sure you’re ok.”  I shake my head and try to find my voice.  Is he kidding me?  He thinks I’m mad that he’s here?

“Talk to me Jenny.”  I move closer and bring his lips to mine, surprising us both by my boldness.  Heads bumping, teeth crushing.  Nothing sexy about it.  We burst out laughing at the same time.  “That’s better.  Good thing we didn’t break any teeth.” He gives me one of his genuine smiles and I melt.  I’m puddle at his feet, and all I can think of is how suddenly the room is way too hot.

“Thank you,” I whisper as he rests his chin on top of my head while massaging the small of my back.  It feels so good to have his arms around me. 

“Thank you for taking mercy on me and not throwing me out in the cold.”

I look up and bring his mouth back to mine.  This time the kiss is perfect.
Gentle and sweet.  I feel his tongue push past my lips and I make room for him.  Slowly the pace changes and we kiss as if our lives depend on it, exploring, tasting, savoring.   I am the one that breaks the kiss.  I don’t want to, but I’m out of air.

“Holly crap.  If you make love as good as you kiss, we’re in trouble.”

“Are we?”

“Yes.  I’ll kidnap you and make you my sex slave.”  He laughs and circles his arms around my waist, picking me up until my feel no longer touch the floor. I twist my legs around his waist and rest my lips against his neck.  A low growl escapes his lips and I smile.  We’re walking, well he is, and I don’t bother to ask where he’s taking me because at this point I would go anywhere.  I have a feeling that I’m about to find out if he is as good in bed as he is at kissing.  And that thought alone puts a big smile on my face.  He lays me down on the bed and takes his coat off.  My fingers touch his and I push his hands aside.  I unbutton the coat slowly, taking my time with each button, his eyes locked on my face.  The next to follow is the sweater and the shirt.  God, he’s beautiful. 

I feel his hands on my back, under the sweatshirt and I’m glad I didn’t wear anything else underneath.  I tremble under his touch, yearning for more.  His hand cups my breast and I swear I stop breathing.

“Oh God, you feel so good.”  I feel him everywhere yet it’s not enough.  His right hand lowers to my ribcage and that’s when I freeze in place. 
My scars.  No one has ever seen them aside from Big Mike, the tattoo guy responsible for covering them up with his beautiful art.

He raises my sweatshirt slowly above my head and looks over my tattoos with gentle eyes.  I’m still not breathing as his fingers go over each and every scar, contouring the outline of the drawings. Any minute now, he’ll bail.  He’ll run out the door, away from the freak show that I am and never look back.  I’ll be forever known as the loony bin girl that loved to cut herself.  So I wait.  But he seems unaware of the scars and what they represent.  

“You’re like the gift that keeps on giving.  With each layer I peel off, I find something better and more beautiful than before.” 

From anyone else, these words would’ve sounded like bullshit.  But somehow coming from him, they feel genuine.  I fumble with his belt but he doesn’t help.  He’s too busy touching me, exploring me like an undiscovered island, trailing little kisses along the way.   The need to feel him, to have him inside me grows with every passing moment.

“Babe, wait.”  He lowers his head against mine and tries to catch his breath. 

“Seriously?”
  I look up and try not to sound desperate, earning me a grin from David. “Don’t tell me you want to take things slow now.  You do that and I swear your ass will be out in the snow before you know it.”

“You wouldn’t do that, would you?” he asks looking seriously worried.

“Well let’s not find out.”  I resume my own exploration as his pants drop to the floor. 

“There goes my plan to take my time,” he jokes. 

“Sorry but it’s been years since I’ve done this, so I’m in a little hurry.  We can go over your plan later.”  I press my palm against the front of his boxers and a moan escapes his lips.  His erection is pressing hard against his stomach and knowing I did that to him turns me on even more.  We move together in perfect harmony, like a choreographed ballet, dancing to the sound of the music playing in our hearts.

David

Holly shit.  I just died and went to Heaven.  I would be lying if I said this was not why I came here.  Hell, I’m a guy, and she’s freaking hot.  I’ve wanted her from the first time I saw her, but that’s beside the point. Most of all, I came here tonight because I didn’t want her to be alone.  I didn’t want me to be alone.  I wanted to be with her at midnight and every minute after, before and in between. I want her to know that no matter what happened in the past, I can and will be here for her. 

She’s wearing sweats, no makeup and her hair is up in a messy do thingy ma jig.  And yet, she’s more beautiful than ever.  Her eyes are full of emotions, and I know I was the last person on earth she expected to show up at her door just before midnight.  I went through hell and back trying to get here on time.  My whole family thought I’d lost my mind when I called in the afternoon and ordered my plane ticket.  Only a crazy idiot in love would try to fly on New Year’s Day.  And I was that crazy idiot in love. 

I didn’t care what it took.  I had to be here.  When her mom told me that Jenny was going to be alone I almost lost it.  Stubborn woman.  Within an hour, I had already ordered my plane ticket and was on my way to the airport.  Oh, and had raided my brother’s stash of condoms.  Not that I expected anything, but better safe than sorry.   

Jenny’s hands tremble slightly as she takes off my shirt, and I am enthralled by her touch.  My boxers feel suddenly tighter as my body reacts to her.  I pull her mouth to me and she kisses me back, pushing her tongue inside, biting my lip, teasing me.  It’s not like I haven’t had sex before, but I suddenly feel nervous.  I want this to be perfect for her in every possible way.

My fingers move on their own, exploring the soft skin, and that’s when I feel them.  The little ridges along her ribs.  They feel like scars. I pull her top off to take a closer look. Her body tenses with each move I make.  There are little colored vines with small red rose buds drawn on her left side right over her ribcage. I move closer and touch my lips to the beautiful tattoo that covers her.  She starts relaxing against my touch, and I continue my journey, leaving a trail of kisses along the way.

Her hands are in my hair and she arches her back.  She feels so fucking good. I kiss her stomach, her breast, her neck.  I bite her earlobe and she moans pulling my hair harder, trying to get closer.  My fingers brush against one of her nipples and she pushes me to take the other into my mouth. Her body responds to my touch just as mine does to hers. 

“Please David.” I push her sweats down her hips and she lifts herself up just enough to help me get them off.  I look down at her body and I swear my mouth waters.   She’s not like any other woman I’ve ever met.  No frills, no games, no bullshit.  There’s a long stem rose on the side of her leg in beautiful bright colors and another in black and white on her thigh.  Right now, I envy the lucky bastard that got to do the tattoos. 

I kiss her again, because I love the taste of her lips against mine.  I touch her stomach then move lower and lower.  She opens up for me and I push one finger inside.  She calls my name and I can feel her muscles clench.  I push a second finger in and she rolls her hips against it.  She’s close, I can tell from the way her body starts pushing harder against my hand.      

Forget the plan, forget going slow.  Without moving my hand, I try to use the other to find my pants at the foot of the bed and fumble with the pockets trying to find the condoms.  Smooth, Casanova.  I bet a teenage virgin has more game than me.  After a few tries, I finally get the right pocket and pull out the long strip of condoms.  She looks at me and smiles, raising one brow in question.   

“I guess you really hoped to get lucky tonight, didn’t you?” 

“Hey one can only hope, right?”  We laugh together, and it feels so good to be with her, so…natural.

I roll the condom and pause just for a second before entering her.  I know she’s ready and I know that’s what she wants.  She moves her hips against mine, and I hope I can make it last. I slowly enter her and after only a few thrusts, we both come undone at the same time. Seconds later
, I lay next to her, and I realize just how lucky of a bastard I am.  She moves closer and puts her head on my shoulder.