Broken (12 page)

“You don’t have to tell me now
, babe.”  I shake my head and continue.  He needs to hear it all.  He has to know how messed up and broken I am.

“Sam tried to fight them but he was outnumbered.  I watched him take his last breath as t
hose bastards raped me over and over again.  I was supposed to die that night.  Part of me did.  The better part.  One of the neighbors passed them on his way up and saw the blood on their clothes, so he kind of figured out something was not right.  He is the reason why I’m still here.  He thought he was saving my life but the truth is, I didn’t want to be saved.”  David tries to speak again but I stop him.  “I need you to listen.  This is what’s been inside me for the past five years.  I tried to kill myself more than once. The times you think I go out with friends I actually go visit a shrink.  All the scars?  I did that to myself trying to lull the pain.  So you see?  I am not who you think. I’m so sorry, David.  I never wanted to hurt you.”  His eyes fill and he turns away from me.

“God, why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”

“I couldn’t.  I still have a hard time talking about it.”

“You’re right.  You’re right, I’m sorry.  But we can work this out together.  I know we can.”  I keep my eyes closed and force myself not to cry. 

“I don’t know.  I have to fix myself, David.  I need to do this for me, or I’m not going to be any good to you.” Ok.  So what does that mean for us?  I’m still the same.  My feelings are still the same.”

“I think we need some space.  We rushed into this and I don’t know-”

“We rushed into this?
Seriously? Well you know where I stand so when you’re ready, you come find me.”  Was I being dismissed?  Am I even surprised?  I mean, what did I expect him to do? It’s like I just got off a merry-go-round, everything still spinning around me.  I say nothing else.  The handle of the car feels cold and heavy in my palm as I push the door open.  I need the air to fill my lungs again, to remind me that I’m still alive. 

This is what I wanted but somehow it doesn’t feel right.  David doesn’t look at me or say goodbye.  He drives off, not stopping at his house.  I shouldn’t care where he’s going, but I do.  Everything inside me screams to go after him.  To tell him I was wrong.  To let him I’m over my past and we could move towards the future together.  But somehow the words don’t come out.  I stay glued to the concrete and look down the empty street. 

It’s past midnight and he has not called.  He’s back, that much I know.  I saw him park the car and go inside the house.  

Playing and replaying the events of today in my head did no good.  Maybe I could’ve handled it better.  Maybe I could’ve told David everything and prayed that he was going to understand where all my fears were coming from.  All the maybes flying through my mind did nothing to ease the pain I was feeling.  I will fix it tomorrow.  I have to. I just panicked, that’s all. I fell asleep feeling a little more positive and dreamed of ways how I was going to get him back.

While the coffee was brewing, I took my time getting ready for David.  Not just physically, but emotionally also.  The last thing I needed was to break down on his front doorsteps.  Again.  That’s all I’ve been doing, haven’t I? I’m surprised the poor guy didn’t have me committed by now.  I drank the coffee as quickly as I could, burning my tongue in the process and took one last look in the mirror. 

The skies were still dark from yesterday’s rain, the air crisp and clean.  I always loved this weather. I walk slowly toward his house, taking my time, preparing myself. Someone once told me that no matter what life throws at you, it’s what you make of it that matters the most.  I can’t remember who told me that but I’m sure it’s true. 

The small gate is open and I walk past it toward the stairs that lead to his door.  I’m nervous again and pray that I’ll know what to say.  I have a whole speech prepared; I’m just not sure I’ll remember it.  I’m two steps away when I see them.  Right there in front of the kitchen window, in plain sight. Suddenly my mouth goes dry, my hands start shaking, and I feel the earth opening up under my feet.  The burning hell trying to suck me in.

He’s wearing the shirt I gave him not that long ago.  But that’s not me holding him close, kissing him.  Unless I’m having an out of body experience, which I know I’m not.  I’d recognize that hair and those long red nails anywhere.  Her hands are snaked around his neck, his back pushed against the window. 

I feel like such a fool for believing him.  Yes, I screwed up, but he sure didn’t waste any time to find a replacement.  I turn around and almost run back home.  Stay positive, they said.  There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, they said.  Seriously?  There’s no freaking light.  My tunnel is all blocked in with no way out.  There’s not light ever going to come back in. 

I’m done believing in second chances.  I’m done feeling sorry for myself.  Once at home, I grab a suitcase and throw in a few outfits and some essentials and before I can talk myself out of it. I lock up and drive away, knowing I will probably not come back. 
Ever.

David

“What the hell?”  I push Amanda away but she’s not having any of it.  “Have you lost your mind?”

“Come on baby, you know you want this as much as I do.  Besides, it’s not like you didn’t kiss me back.”  God, she scares me.  When she knocked on my door this morning asking for a power drill, I didn’t think anything of it.  The only thing on mind has been Jenny.     

I was feeling guilty of the things I’ve said to Jenny and trying to figure out what happened between us.  And there she was. 
Amanda, the dominatrix.  All ready for battle.  I almost lost my balance when she threw her arms around my neck and planted one my lips.  It was like I’d been hit with a hammer. 

“You need to leave.”

“David, don’t be like that.” She’s like an octopus, trying to suck me in with her long nails and her pouty lips.  I untangle her body from mine and push her slightly.  Her eyes get bigger with surprise. I have a feeling she’s never been rejected before. 

“Please leave and don’t come back.  Last thing I need is for Jenny to find you here.”

“Jenny? Jenny?  What do you see in her? Can’t you see she’s not all there?”

“Look, I don’t know how to make it more clearly to you.  I’m in love with Jennifer. End of story.  So please stop pushing yourself at me, because, honestly, it’s such a turnoff.”  Her laugh surprises me. 

“Oh David, David.  You’re such a little silly boy.  You don’t know who you’re messing with.  I always get what I want.  And I have a feeling eventually you’ll come to your senses and beg me to take you back.” 

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen.” 

Jen

“Mom?” 

“Honey, is that you?  What are you doing here?  Oh Lord, are you crying?”  I run into her arms the way I used to when I was little and got hurt.   She holds me close to her chest and tries to calm me down.  “What happened, baby?”

“Mom,” I say between sobs, “Can you please move your car so I can park the car in the garage?  I don’t want anyone to know I’m here.”

“Sure honey.”  I love that she doesn’t question me.  She takes the keys from her purse and walks outside and I follow.  Once my car is safely hidden inside the garage we go back inside and I lock the doors.  I feel like a fugitive on the run.  “Come into the kitchen.  I’ll make you some tea and we can talk.”  I’m midway through the story when I notice David’s car outside. 

“Mom, please don’t answer the door.”

“Jen, he’s not going to leave.  This is not the first time he’s come after you.”

“Then promise me you won’t tell him I’m here.  Please Mom.  I need time to figure things out.”  She pats my hand and goes to answer the door.  I look around the room and wonder what to do next.  I don’t have enough time to run to my room unnoticed.  I look at the kitchen table and roll my eyes. 
Well it’s better than him seeing me, right?

“Kate, I need to talk to her.”  He is out of breath and sounds angry.  What game is he playing?  I cover my ears
, as I don’t want to hear what he has to say.  Right now, I just want to be alone away from all the drama.

“David.  What a surprise. I would invite you in but I was on my way out.  Bingo night.  I hope you understand.”  Oh
, she’s good.  I hate that she has to lie for me.

“It won’t take long.  Please I know she’s here.  I have to talk to her, to find out what happened.”  I hear the footsteps and know he’s walking inside.  What the hell?  Doesn’t he get that he’s not welcome here? “Amanda said she saw her drive away.”

“Amanda?” I scream from under the table and crawl out of my hiding spot, hitting my head in the process

“Oh look, it’s Jennifer.  When did you get in sweetheart?” 

“Are you ok,” David asks as I try to rub the top of my head as the pain sets in.

“Oh shush, Mom.  Now you listen to me David,” I said finally turning to face him, “I have nothing to say to you.  I don’t want to hear your excuses either.  So please just leave.”

“Baby, please.”

“
Arghh don’t you dare call me that.  I’m not a baby.  Not yours, not anyone’s.  Now leave.”  I push past him and walk up to my room, locking my door behind me.  I was so done with listening to everyone. 

“Open the door Jenn
y,” he yells from the other side of the door.

“Go away David.”

“You need to listen to me.  You owe me this.”  Oh like hell I was.  I unlock the door and he almost loses his balance. 

“I owe you nothing.   The moment I opened up to you, you did ran into that slut’s arms.”

“That’s not how it happened. I-”

“I get it.  I really do.  Like I said, I think we both need some time off from this. 
To clear our minds.  Right now, I’m too pissed off over what I saw so even if what you’re saying is the truth, part of me still doesn’t want to hear it.  Just go home David.  I’ll stay here for a few days and, well we’ll figure it out afterwards.”  He looks at me with questioning eyes.  I can’t tell if he can read through my lies but eventually he lets go of the door.  He walks up to me and I let him pull me into his arms.  It takes a lot not to cry.  I press my face into his neck and inhale the familiar scent.  “You promise?”  He whispers in my ear.

“Yes.”

“I love you Jenny.”

“I love you too.  Now go and give me some space,” I force a laugh and slap his arm jokingly. 

“Ouch.  Still violent I see.”  He kisses me for a long time then reluctantly walks away.  I close the door behind him and press my face against it letting the tears fall.  God I’m going to miss him, but most of all I’m going to miss Lily.  She deserves a good role model and I know I’m not one.   I can hear my mom’s voice through the thin walls and press my ear closer to the door. 

“Listen to me, son.  Things have a way to work themselves out.  You just need to be patient.  She’s my daughter so I know her better than anyone.  She may be stubborn but I know she loves you.  ” 

“I understand.  I’m sorry I’m always at your door.”

“Nonsense.
  You’re like a son to me.  I pray that things work out for you two.”  I hear the front door close and I know he’s gone.  I feel a sudden relief.   

“He’s gone.  You can come out. What in the world happened between the two of you?” I unlock the door and let her in. 

“It doesn’t matter.”

“If it didn’t matter, he wouldn’t have come for you.”  Was she right about that?   

“Mom, I am going to go away for a while.”

“
Wh-”

“Before you panic, hear me out.  I’m not going to disappear like I did last time.  I’m going to write and call you every day. Aunt Rosemary once said that if I wanted to go to school in San Francisco, I could stay with her.  So, I need you to call her for me and tell her I’m on my way.  Can you do that for me, Mom?  Please?”  Her eyes are filled with tears but she nods yes.

“Yes honey, I can do that.  But why?” 

“Because I’ve never done anything just for me.
  Without thinking of Sam, or my past.  I need to distance myself from everything and start fresh.  For the first time, Mom, my mind feels clear.  I’m already packed.  I just need you to take me to the airport.  I know I’m asking for a lot, but I don’t trust anyone else with this.  “Isn’t this a bit sudden?”

“No Mom.  I should’ve done this sooner.  I just never thought about what I wanted to do with my life.  I want to go back to teaching.  I want to be able to move on and this is the only way.”

“Ok, Honey.  Whatever you decide, I’ll support you one hundred percent.  Just tell me what I need to do.”

One year later

David

I drive by her house out of habit.  Neither one of us lives here anymore, yet every chance I get, I find my way back.  Her house was empty for two months before her mom put it up for sale.  I lasted another four before I decided to sell mine. 

It’s been exactly one year since she decided we needed “space”.  One year of hell. It would be so much easier if I could stop thinking about her, if I could just get her out of my head for at least a moment.  I dream about her, about her smell, her laugh, the way her beautiful blue eyes change color when we made love.  I crave her lips the way an addict craves his next hit.  She’s in my head twenty-four seven, spread all over into my veins destroying every bit of my sanity. 

It was her decision. That alone should be enough reason to let her go, to shut her out of my mind, my heart, my soul.  But here I am today, after all this time, still stuck on her like sick puppy.  Even after all this time I know that if I saw her, I would be the one begging for forgiveness. 

My cell beeps again and I dread answering it.  My mom had the bright idea that I needed to move on and start dating again.  The girl she set me up must’ve liked me because the phone’s been ringing off the hook.  “She’s such a wonderful young lady, Son.  You should really consider getting to know her better.”  Those were her words, not mine.  Was she a wonderful lady?  I’m sure she was.  But she was not Jenny.   I take a deep breath and answer the call. 

“Hello?”  Her voice is high pitched and makes me cringe.  Why can’t I just be the bad guy, and tell her I’m not interested.

“Hi Silvia.
  How are you?”  The boredom in my voice is clear to anyone but her. 

“Oh, I’m so happy I got a hold of you.  I’ve left you a few messages.  I hope that’s alright.”

“You did?  I’m sorry my phone’s been acting up.”  More lies.  One on top of the other the keep piling up.

“No problem.  Listen, I was wondering if you would like to have dinner with me tonight.  I spoke with your mom and she mentioned that Lily will be with her this weekend.” Stalking me much?  I can already envision the scene from Fatal Attraction and shudder. 
Definitely not going to her house.

“Tonight?
  Well actually, I was on my way to Lily’s school to pick up some papers, so I’m not sure how long it will take me with traffic.  It’s Friday after all and you know how bad it gets.” 

“I can meet you at the school.  Come on.  You have to eat. 
My treat.  I won’t take no for an answer.”  Ugghhh.  I have no spine and no bad bone in my body.  I suck at this and right now, I wish I could kick my own ass for being the nice guy, yet again.

“Sure.  But you don’t have to meet me at the school.”

“I live close by.  We can take my car from there.”  Her cheerfulness is maddening to anyone but her. We set a time to meet in front of the school, and I hang up shortly after.  I was so not looking forward to this. I spent the entire drive trying to come up with ways to let her down without hurting her feelings.  Is there such a thing? Yeah, probably not but I had to at least try. 

As expected, when I arrived she was already there, waiting for me. She walked, no – actually
, she pretty much ran, towards my car, a smile plastered to her lovely face.  Gahhh… maybe I should’ve driven around the block a few times.  I was not yet ready to face the music, but there was no escape now since she was already opening my car door. 

“You made it.”  Wasn’t I supposed to? 

“Yes, I guess the traffic wasn’t as bad as I expected.”  She hugs me, yes she’s a hugger too, and presses her face to my neck.  It feels all wrong, but I don’t push her away either. 

“It’s good to see you.”  I make no effort to answer back and finally she let’s go of me.  “So what are we doing here again?”

“Oh right.  I have to go to the office really quick.” We walk together, me in silence, her chatting away about her work.  She’s a PA for some famous investor and judging by her voice, she loves her job as much as she loves her boss.  She never mentions any friends, making me wonder if that’s the reason behind her attraction to me.  Who knows?  I stopped trying to figure women out the day Jenny left and Amanda went all psycho on me.  

Together we walk inside the school and into the lobby.

“May I help you?” The plump lady at the front desk asks.

“Yes.  I called earlier.  I’m David Watkinson.”

“Oh that’s right.  Give me one second to find that folder.  Ah, there it is.”  She hands me a think brown folder.  “You will need to send back all the forms by the end of the month. Everything you need to know about the curriculum as well as the teacher’s credentials and any additional information is in there.  But don’t hesitate to contact us if you have any other questions.” 

“I’m sure it’s all in here.  Thank you so much.” 

We walk out and I glance over the front of the envelope.   The teacher’s name is typed in caps and bold letters, and I read it over and over again making sure I’m not seeing things.  There is it.  Her name.  Ms. Jennifer Harmon.  I close my eyes and count to ten, and then read the name again.  There is a God and he loves me once again.  That must be it. 

I can’t seem to stop smiling as we walk back to our cars.  This is just too good to be true.  Yes, I’m a sucker and I shouldn’t get my hopes up, but seriously?  I mean come on.  There’s no freaking way in hell that Lily’s teacher is none other than my Jenny.

Silvia guides me to her car and honestly, I pay no attention to where I’m going or what I’m doing. She drives away, hopefully to a restaurant or some other public place and talks my ear off with stories from, yes you guessed it, work. The restaurant is small and intimate, and perfect for couples in love.  I look around at the small booths lit by little candles and suddenly feel uncomfortable with the whole setting.  Looks like we have reservations, and before long we’re escorted to our table. 

“Isn’t this place nice?  I drove by so many times and always wanted to eat here.  I heard the food is delicious.”  I throw her a smile, not knowing what to say.  We order our drinks and I focus on the menu.

“You seem really happy with yourself.”  Where did that come from?  I raise my eyes from the menu and meet hers.  She’s not mad or anything but her question is a bit odd.  Should I not look happy?  

“I’m…. yes, I guess I am happy.”

“So what’s her name,” she asks and there’s laughter in her voice.  I feel like such a douche for doing this to her.  I really do.

“What?  What are you talking about?”  My voice doesn’t sound convincing at all and she reads right through me.

“Come on David.  As much as I wish I were the reason for this new found happiness, I know better.  So spill.”  Why do women like to talk about everything?  Men have a hard time having conversation as this one and I’m no exception.  Do I want to talk about Jenny with this lovely lady?  It’s the last thing I want to do, but I have a feeling she’s not going to let go.

“Let’s just order. I think I know what I want.”  The menu becomes my lifeline and I’m looking over it like the way a teenager would look over a Playboy magazine for the first time.  She grabs the menu right out of my hand and drops it on the table. 

“I like you David, but I know your heart belongs with another.  Since you’re suddenly happy, I have a feeling you’ve found this person.  I hope that even though things didn’t work out for us, you will still consider me your friend.”

“Of course, I mean we are friends.  I just don’t-”

“Don’t think about it. Her name?”  I rub my hands over my face and sigh. 

“Jennifer.”

“See?  That wasn’t so hard.  So wanna tell me about her?”  We order our food and for the next two hours we talk about Jenny and Johnny, who apparently is the guy that holds Silvia’s heart but has commitment issues.  What started out as an awkward date, turned out to be a wonderful dinner with a newfound friend.

“I had fun tonight,” she says as she drives us back to my car.  “You’re more fun when you’re relaxed.” 

“I had fun too.”  She parks right next to my car and turns around in her seat. 

“Listen David, don’t wait too long to let this girl know how you feel.  Life’s too short.” 

“You’re pretty awesome, I hope you know that.”  I lean in and give her a quick hug and she kisses my cheek. 

“Yeah, I know,” she laughs.  We say goodbye and I watch her drive away.  Today turned out to be one crazy day. 
A crazy day indeed.