Broken (11 page)

“Wow.”  The words fly out of my mouth.  Nice move.  She probably thinks I’m an idiot but damn if this wasn’t just…. WOW.    I know she’s smiling but she doesn’t say anything.  We lay there together in silence.  No words are needed. Slowly her body relaxes against mine, and her breathing evens.  She’s asleep.  I press my lips to her hair and close my eyes.  

Jen

For the first time in years, I actually slept. I can’t tell what time it is, but it feels like I’ve been in bed forever.  Not that I’m complaining.  David is snoring softly behind me, his body pressed against mine.  Oh sweet God.  We’re spooning.  What am I supposed to say when he wakes up?  Do I smile?  Say thank you?

“Stop over thinking this.” His voice startles me, making me jump.

“Jesus. You scared the crap out of me.”  I turn slightly and slap his arm.  “I thought you were asleep.”

“Ouch.”  He rubs the spot on his arm and acts as if I just broke his arm or something. “I was asleep until you started freaking out and thinking.  I could hear the wheels turning in that sexy head of yours.” 

“I was not.”

“Come here.  And you were too.  Would you relax?”  He pulls me back under the covers and hugs me tightly to his chest.  “Since you woke me up, I think maybe we should go over last night’s plan.”  And boy is he awake.  What’s with men and morning sex?  Not that I’m complaining.  His lips are on mine before I can think about morning breath or how many body looks in the daylight, and my body responds immediately.  And just like that, all my worries are poof… gone.

We spent more of the day in bed. Talking. Ok maybe not the entire time, but there was talking. Some.  He left hours later to go back to his parents’ house and once again, I declined the invitation to accompany him.  I wasn’t ready, ever after spending the night together.  It was much too soon.

As the weeks went by, he made sure that I knew we were no longer just friends.  Everyone in the neighborhood was also aware as he would be seen coming out of my house at crazy hours, just as I could be seen coming out of his.  Eventually we developed a routine that we could both agree on, without me freaking out at the changes that were taking place.  It was still something I was trying to get used to.  The whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing was just not something I ever thought would be part of my life ever again.

Shelly was also part of that routine now.  “Damn girl, you got yourself a Daniel Henney lookalike.  He is freaking gorgeous,” she said making me laugh harder than ever.  “I’m serious.  He is hot as hell.”  The two of them, Shelly and David, got along amazingly well from the start, and sometimes they would team up against me whenever I didn’t feel like going out to dinner or doing whatever else they had planned.

It was the end of summer when things started to change even more.  I’m standing in David’s kitchen, wearing one of his t-shirt, drinking coffee and reading the paper, while Lily is eating a chocolate pop-tart.  He’s on the phone and from the bit and pieces I’ve heard, he’s pretty happy with whatever news he just got. 

“Oh shit, babe.”  He runs up to me and picks me up.  He’s definitely happy. 

“Oh no
Daddy.  You said a bad word,” she tells him and walks out of the room dragging a big stuffed dragon behind her.

“Sorry honey,” he yells after her. 

“I take it there’s good news?” 

“Better than good.
  Amazing news.  But I need a huge favor from you.  They need me to fly to New York today for an interview.  My parents are out of town so you’re the only one I trust with Lily.”  As much as I love Lily, I’ve never been alone with her.  What if something goes wrong? What if I don’t know what do to?  “Babe, you’re freaking out on me.  It’s just Lily.  She loves you.  And it’s just for a few hours.”

“I love her too, but I don’t know David.  I mean, what if
-”

“Babe, I have to do this.  Unless you want Amanda to babysit…”
Bastard.  He knew he would get me with that one.  I smack his arm playfully.

“Ouch.  Damn you’re so violent.”

“That was low.  Like, really low.  Don’t mention that name again.  Lily and I will be just fine without you.”

“God, I love you.”  He kisses me hard and rushes out of the kitchen, leaving me alone, too shocked to speak at the fact that he just said he loves me.  I’m sure it just came out due to all the excitement, but he said the words, didn’t he? Within minutes, he’s back, dressed in a suit, looking like a million bucks. “Here’s some cash in case you guys want to go eat out or order a pizza or something.  The phone for the doctor is on the fridge, and you have my cell.”

“Who’s freaking out now?” I laugh.

“Not me.  Wish me luck, Jenny.”

“You don’t need it but ok.  They’ll love you.”    With Lily’s hand in mine, we walk him to the door.  We wave from the front door until he pulls away from the driveway.  “Well sweet cheeks, what should we do today?” 

“Can we go to the park?” 

“You bet we can.”

Lily’s bedroom is every little girl’s dream room.  Heck, it’s my dream room too.  It’s bright, splashes of color everywhere.  I watch as she picks her own clothes: a pair of aqua color shorts and a lavender t-shirt with glitter hearts and stars on the front. It’s like dressing up a doll, that’s how cute she is.  As we make our way to the front door, I try to think of things I need to take with me.  This is all new to me, but I remember from movies what moms usually carry when they leave the house.  
A sweater (just in case), snacks, juice, box of tissues. 

“Is all that for me?” she asks with a serious voice.

“Yes.  Doesn’t your dad bring this stuff with him when you guys go to the park?”

“
Nooo.” She shakes her head.  “It’s not far.” 

“Oh sorry.
  So I should leave everything then?”  She walks up to me and looks inside the bag.

“No
, it’s ok.  I like snacks and juice.” We’re not even out yet and I’m already tired.   I find a travel mug and fill it with more coffee, as I’m sure I’ll need it. 

The park is not too far from the house and we walk hand in hand.  She already thinks herself too old for the stroller, and I’m not about to argue with her.  There are a few moms already at the park, watching their kids play on the playground, while they are sitting on the benches talking to one another.

“Sweetie, where did you want to play first?” I ask Lily and try not to make eye contact with the other moms.  Thank God for sunglasses.  I can’t hear what they are saying, but it’s so easy to see they are talking about me.  Not that I care.

“I want the swing.”  She pulls me toward the row of swings and waits for me to help her out on one. Her laugh, as she goes up and down on the swing, makes me forget that I’m being watched.  We jump from one swing to another, then the monkey bars, back to the swing, and eventually end up at the sand box.   There are several kids playing there but one stands out more from the rest.  He has orangey curly hair and his face is covered in freckles.  His eyes are a bright blue, framed by long thick lashes.  He’s beautiful.

“Hi,” he says, sounding older than he looks.

“Hello,” I smile.  He guards both Lily and me with an unsmiling face. 

“What’s your name?” 

“Jennifer.  What’s yours?”

“Tim.  Does she speak?” he asks and points at Lily. I know it sounds mean, but I’m starting to dislike this kid.  He sounds like a bully, and I’m moving closer to Lily, ready to protect her. 

“Of course she does.  Don’t you sweets?”  Lily nods but pays him no attention. 

“Then why doesn’t she?”  Ok, somebody stop me because I’m about to smack this kid.

“Because she doesn’t like you.”
  My answer gets a few giggles from the other kids and also from Lily.  Yeah, take that little boy.  You’re messing with the wrong one this time. 

“Whatever.  No one likes her either.  She doesn’t even have a mom.”  I feel the blood draining from my face.   Lily pushes away from me, her little hand on her hip.

“You’re dumb.  I do have a mom.  She’s my mom, and she’s beautiful and smart.  So there.”  OH MY GOD.  The skies open, the angels are singing, and all I see is my amazingly beautiful Lily.   I hold out my arms and she runs up to me. 

“You are such a liar.” 
Seriously?  That kid won’t shut up and if his mom doesn’t come to get him, I’m not going to be responsible for my actions. 

“You are the only liar, little boy.  And no one likes you because you’re a bully.  Let’s go Lily.”  I pick up our things and walk past a shocked looking woman who I assume is the bully’s mom.  I know I should keep going but for some reason I want to give this woman a piece of my mind.

“Sorry to bother you, is Tim your son?”

“Why yes, he is.” 

“You need to teach him some manners.  Obviously some of the things he said he hears from you. He sounds just like a bully.”  Her mouth drops to the floor and before she can say anything, I walk away with a laughing Lily next to me.

As we walk back to the house, I can’t stop smiling.  My little, pretty girl sure told him off. 

I warm up some soup and make grilled cheese sandwiches, the only two full-proof things I can manage in the kitchen.  Thankfully, Lily loves the food and can’t stop talking about how much fun she had at the park. 

“Lily baby, I need to tell you something.”

“Ok,” she takes another bite of the sandwich, while I try to find the right words for what I’m about to say.

“You know I’m not your mommy, right?”

“I do.  But I want you to be.  You are funny and pretty and I love you.”  My eyes fill with tears as her words sink in.  I press my lips to her temple and her arms go around my neck, holding me tightly.  Such a little life and yet so big. 

After lunch
, she helps me clean up, or at least she thinks she does.  We put the dishes away then play in her room with the ton of Lego’s she has in different buckets.  All kinds of themes, colors, and sizes.  It’s overwhelming, but so much fun. 

We order pizza for dinner and after a long bath, we settle in front of the television, enjoying the fatty big slices of pepperoni pizza and watching
Up
.  It doesn’t get any better. 

Once she’s full, she lays next to me, her little head on my arm.  I can smell the strawberry shampoo and her soft hair tickles my face.  Before long, she’s asleep and I turn down the sound on the TV and close my eyes. 

That’s how David finds us.  Both asleep, the credits playing on the television.

“Hey baby,” he kisses me softly and I smile. 

“How did it go?” I whisper, making sure I don’t wake Lily.  He puts a finger to his lips and points to Lily.  Slowly, he picks her up and takes her to her room.  She doesn’t stir even once, not even after she’s back on her back and David is covering her up with the pink princess blanket. 

We go back to the living room and before I can say anything, he pulls me into his arms. 

“God I missed you.”  His lips find mine; his hungry tongue pushing past them, tasting and exploring. 

“I missed you too,” I say against his lips.  He lowers me onto the sofa, holding me close and goes back to kissing me senseless.  There’s no room for talking right now, and I’m not one to complain.

Stop fidgeting.  It’s just a movie.  Not the guillotine
. The doorbell rings. 

“Wow, you look amazing.” 

“Thank you.  So do you.” His kiss is light on my cheek yet very powerful.  It sends tiny little shock waves throughout my entire body. 

“Shall we?”  His hand finds mine and we walk together towards his car.  This is our first “real” date and I’m nervous.  He’s asked me for weeks now to go to the movies, and every time I’ve been able to change the subject. 
Until last night.  I don’t know how I agreed to this, but as he puts the car in drive, I know there’s no turning back. 

We walk hand in hand in the warm evening and I can’t contain my smile.  The past few days had been amazing and I’m starting to see a future with him and Lily.  The front of the theater is packed and I find myself tensing a little.  David gives my hand a gentle squeeze and pulls me closer to his side.

“It’s ok.”  There’s a comfort in his voice and his eyes and I try to relax. We push past the long line and walk inside.

“What are we watching again?”  I didn’t know what was playing, not that it mattered. 

“
Wanted
or something like that.  You didn’t want to pick so I went with the newest film. No worries, it’s not scary.”

We decide not to get popcorn, still full after the early dinner; instead, we go in early to find seats.  We take the ones right smack in the middle on the last row.  His arm is resting on the back of my seat, and I relax against his shoulder. The theater is getting fuller by the minute, and I’m slowly pushing myself close and closer to David.  At this rate, I will be on his lap pretty soon. 

“Hey, relax.  I’m here babe, ok?  Look at me.  You’re ok.”  I nod and try to relax once again.  The theater is pretty large, yet I feel like the walls are closing in.  There are too many people, too many voices, too much of everything.  The lights are dimming and as the previews are playing, I find myself closing my eyes tightly more than once. 
I can do this
, I tell myself over and over again.  I somehow survive the trailers and as the movie starts, I begin to think that maybe I’m over my fears and my anxiety. 

The film is about a divorced father whose daughter decides to go on a trip to Europe against his wishes.  The daughter and her friend are all alone in this beautiful house and that’s when things take a turn for the worse.  The moment those strangers break into the house, I’m no longer in the movie theater.  I watch as everything around me starts to disappear and the room gets smaller and darker by the minute. 
This isn’t happening
.
Oh God, please don’t let this happened again.
  It’s all in my head.  I look at David but he is also being pulled away from me, fading into the darkness.  Oh my God, what is happening?  I scream yet no one seems to hear me.

“Babe, you look so good tonight.”  The voice startles me. I’m no longer in the movie theater. I am lying in my old bed, the one I once shared with Sam.  I’m wearing a white thin silk slip and my stomach is round and big.  My entire body shakes and I can’t seem to stop. The fear is strong and real and I am gasping for air.   “I’m so sorry we couldn’t go out
, but you’ll get sick out in this rain.”  Sam! No, no, no.  This is all wrong.  It can’t be happening.  David why can’t you hear me?

“Yes babe, it’s me.  What’s wrong?”

“You’re not here and I’m not here.  This is not happening.”  He’s not paying attention to me.  Instead he’s doing his little striptease dance he sometimes does before we make love.  The same dance he did for me that night.  His shirt is the first one to go then slowly he removes his belt and slacks.  God, he’s so sexy, it makes my mouth water just watching him.  I’m crying now, no longer able to contain the heavy tears.  Everything looks so real and yet I know better.  I don’t want to be in this room anymore because I know what’s going to happen.  I can’t see it all unfold before my eyes again.  I try to move but it feels like I’m anchored to the bed. 

“I know you want me, you think I’m sexy,” Sam is si
nging the stupid song he once saw in a movie.  It always made me laugh but right now, it’s scaring the living shit out of me.  He takes hold of my left ankle and leaves a trail of kisses up my leg, inside my thigh, right along my bikini line.  I tremble under his touch.  I don’t want to, but it feels so familiar, so good.  His eyes are filled with desire and he has a mischievous smile on his face.  He kisses his way up until his lips find mine and I involuntarily sob.  I open up for him unable to help myself; his tongue taste like mint and wine, refreshing and deliciously addictive. 

The wonderful feeling lasts only moments before he’s being thrown across the room and I’m faced by a large masked stranger.  I try to get up again as I see Sam trying to fight another masked man, but I’m too weak.  There are three of them, all masked.  One is fighting Sam as he’s trying to get to me.

“Dude, no.  You said we’ll just take the stuff and leave.”  The guy that’s by the door says.  He voice sounds young and nervous.

“Shut up
, Mike.  Look in that dresser.  I’m sure this bitch has nice stuff.  Now you be a good girl and I won’t hurt you.” He turns to me, and I can feel the bile rising in my throat.  The bitter taste fills my mouth and I’m gagging convulsively.

“Get off of her you fucking
bastard.  I’ll kill you, you piece of shit.”  Sam’s voice is full of anger as he’s fighting to get to me. That’s when I see the knife.  I don’t know what scares me more.  The man that’s on top of me ready to rape me or the knife that’s pointed at Sam’s chest.  I can’t move my eyes from him. They are fighting, but Sam is losing the battle. One moment he’s fighting back, the next he’s on the floor in a pool of blood, his eyes locked with mine.  I’m screaming as loud as I can but no one can hear me. 

I don’t remember how many times I passed out that night.  The bed is moving with each thrust and after a while
, I no longer feel my body.  I can’t tell if they all raped me or not; it doesn’t matter anymore.  I only look at Sam, his eyes no longer focused.  My face is swollen from all the hits I took and I can barely see through my right eye.  Yet nothing matters.  I pray that once they are done with me, they will put me out of my misery and I’ll be with Sam again.

And just as fast as it started, it was now over.  I hear the sound of a zipper and hushed voices.

“Mike you finish her.  Come on, don’t be shy.  The bitch is almost dead, she won’t feel a thing.”   There is another man on top of me and I prepare myself for the worst. 

“Stay still and don’t say a word,” he whispers in my ear. “If you do
, they’ll kill you.”  I watch as he takes out a knife and stabs the mattress next to me.  I’m too weak to do or say anything. 

“Yeah, that’s my boy.”  They cheer him on as they start exiting the room.  The last thing I hear is the front door being shut. 

Someone is calling my name over and over again, louder and louder.  I cover my ears and run as fast as I can.  Things are coming into focus again; lights, chairs, people.  And David.  His voice follows me outside as I try to make my way out of the theater.  My lungs are hurting, and I’m wheezing from the lack of air.  I push the door and continue to run until I’m far away from the theater. I can’t focus on anything, not the traffic zooming around me, not my trembling body.  It’s as if I’m floating in the air, being pulled in the abyss of hell.  

“Jenny, stop!”  I listen to him, and lean again a tree and try to catch my breath.  “Babe what happened?  Talk to me.”  I can’t talk.  I just rest my palms against my knees and savor each breath. 
In and out, in and out.  “Baby, tell me what’s wrong?  You scared the shit out of me in there.  Jenny?  Jenny, look at me.” I look into his eyes and see the worry in them.  He’s terrified and it’s my fault.

“I have to go.  I’m sorry, but I have to go.”  I turn around once again and walk towards the street lined by a row of taxis. 

“Whatever happened in there, we can deal with it together.  Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.  I would walk through fire for you, for us.  Just tell me what you need.  Jenny, please.”

“There’s nothing you can do.  What you just saw?  That’s part of me, it’s who I am.  I can’t undo what’s been done, and no
matter how much time will go by it will always come back and haunt me.  These are my demons, David, and I need you to stay away from me.  I need you to run as fast as you can, as far away as you can.”  I push myself up and look around.  I feel disoriented and cold. “I’m sorry for… well for pretty much everything.”  All I can think of is getting away from him.  I need to be home where I feel safe, where no one can get hurt.  I spot the row of taxies and start moving slowly, forcing my legs one in front of the other. 

“When will you stop running?”  He’s angry with me
; his voice tells me that much. Angry and hurt and although it breaks my heart to do this to him, it’s the only way.  “When?  When will you stop all this running away and just let me in, Jenny?  You might find this hard to believe, but guess what; I’m in love with you.  I fell in love with you that very moment you told me to go fuck myself and never bother you again. I wasn’t looking for anyone and then you came along and turned my life upside-down.  I’ve been patient, God knows I have been, but you have to give me something, anything.  I need to know that no matter how bad things get, you won’t run. Please baby… just stand still… stand still with me and let me show you just how much I love you.”

I knew this day would eventually come.  I somehow knew it and had my speech ready to go.  The one where I would tell him that it all meant
nothing, that he was wasting his time; somehow, those words are now escaping me.  He deserved so much better than me, and I loved him too much to stay and ruin him.  I turn around and face him now and pray that the tears won’t surface and show him that whatever is about to come out of my mouth is a big fat lie.

“You think you love me? Why? 
Because we rolled in the sheets a couple times? Is that’s it?  What did you think, David?  That you will be able to fix me?  That somehow you’ll make me all better with your patience and your kind words?  It doesn’t work that way.”  My legs are shaking so hard that I think I’ll lose my balance any minute now.  I push my nails as hard as I can into my clammy palms to keep me focused on something else than his eyes.  He runs his hands over his face, nervously, and it’s getting hard to swallow the lump that’s been stuck in my throat.

“Why are you doing this?”  He sounds defeated and broken, and it kills me that I’m doing this to him. 
It’s the only way
, I keep telling myself.

“Look it’s been fun while it lasted, ok?  But this is not for me.  I’m sorry, I really am. You’ll thank me one day. Not only that, but you’ll forget all about this, whatever this is.” 

“Thank you?  For what? Breaking my fucking heart in a million pieces?  Wow, are you serious?”  He closes his eyes and stays quiet for a few seconds.  I feel the first drop of rain and within minutes the skies grow darker, covered in heavy clouds.  It’s as if the heavens above can feel the pain we’re both going through.  When he speaks again, his voice is shaky.  I’ve managed to break him.  I did exactly what I was afraid I would do if I stayed.  I turned a wonderful soul into a dark and broken one.  “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

“I think it’s better if I take a taxi.”

“I said I’ll take you home.  If you want to take a taxi then we’ll take one together, but I’m not leaving you alone.”  I can’t do anything but follow him towards his car.  We’re not touching but we’re close enough, and the energy is so strong, pulling me towards him.  I want to take his hand and never let go.  I want to feel his arms around me, his breath against my skin, I want to be filled with his desire and let him make me forget who I am.  I want to believe in his promises, to believe that he can make it all ok.  Visions of my nightmares are imprinted too deeply into my brain, not letting me forget; cutting the dreams of happily ever after into tiny little pieces.  Mocking me.

The quietness that fills the car is maddening.  I know I should say something to him but nothing comes to mind. His hands are turning white from gripping the steering wheel, his eyes focused on the road ahead.  All I can think of is just how much pain I’ve inflicted on this good man. Too late for “should’ve, could’ve.”  Our street comes into view and I want to jump out of the car and lock myself into my house, but I decide not to.  I gave this poor man enough crazy to last him a life time; adding jumping out of moving cars to that doesn’t seem wise. 

He finally parks the car in front of my house and turns off the engine.  Part of me is ready to bolt, and yet here I sit, unwilling to move.

“Jenny, I don’t know what you want me to do. I want us to work.  That’s all I’ve ever wanted.  But you’re not ready.  I get that now.”

“That’s what I wanted too.”

“Just tell me what happened in there.  Was it something I said? Or did?”  I look at him once again; really look at him.  This man has been nothing but good to me and in this moment I know that I have to come clean.  Maybe this will make it easier to walk away.

“We were supposed to go out that evening,” I say finally.

“What?”

“Sam and I.  We made plans but the weather was terrible.  He didn’t want me to get sick so we stayed in instead.   He was always worried about me.  We didn’t hear them when they broke in.  Didn’t hear anything until they were already there.  The three men.”  David’s hand is on mine but I feel nothing.