Broken (3 page)

David

I watch her from the corner of my eye. I can tell she’s questioning her sanity for coming here.  She looks scared and small, and I feel the need to beat the shit out of whoever did this to her.  I know someone hurt her badly and pray that she will one day trust me enough to talk to me about it.

I don’t know what it is about this woman that peaks my interest. It’s been almost two years since Becky passed away and over those two years not once did I feel the need, or attraction, toward another woman.  Lily has taken over every single moment of my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Yet here I am, feeling like a horny teenager every time Jen is around.  I could probably tell you the clothes she wore the day she moved into our neighborhood.  Not that I’m a stalker or anything, but shit, the girl is beautiful without trying.  Her big blue eyes are framed by thick dark lashes and those red lips of hers have the power to drive a man insane.  My hand itches to touch her long hair, wrap it around my wrist, then pull her close and ravish every inch of her body. I want to know every curve, like a sculptor knows his carving. I shake my head trying to erase the images before I embarrass myself and do something stupid.

I pour us both some coffee and wonder if she’ll eventually relax around me.  I know what it’s like to feel hurt, hell I was like that when Becky died.  If it wasn’t for Lily, I probably would’ve killed myself; especially the first couple of months. 

But then I had to face the music, or better yet, the reality.  I was either going to have to get my shit together or someone else was going to raise my little girl.  That was enough to sober me up. 

“How do you take your coffee?”  Jen is watching Lily, the pain visible all over her face and that’s when it hits me.  She probably lost a child.  That must be it.  “Jen?”

“I’m sorry, what?” 

“The coffee.  How do you take it?”

“A little cream if you have any.” I open the fridge and take the small container out and put it on the table in front of her.  She eventually takes a seat, her body rigid, and pours the cream into her cup. 

“How’s your morning so far?” I know it’s a stupid question but I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing.

“Fine, thank you.”  She’s very calm and mellow, so different than the last time I saw her. I try my hardest not to stare but I can’t help it.  She’s seems unaware of my presence as her eyes are focused on Lily.  I can tell she feels out of place.  Her right hand plays with something attached to the chain around her neck but I can’t really tell what it is.  It must be her security blanket; what keeps her together when she feels uncomfortable, the way she feels this very moment. 

“Do you like it?” I sound like an idiot, but I can’t think of anything else to say that’s going to get her out of whatever trance she’s in. 

“Like what?”  Her words are chopped and void of any emotion, her eyes empty and unfocused.

“The coffee.  Do you like it?  My wife used to hate my coffee.  I do make a mean breakfast though. Maybe I can make it for you sometime?” Her eyes grow bigger and she looks like she’s concentrating really hard on what to say next.

“Look, I stopped by to say I’m sorry for what I said last time you were at my house.”  She takes another look at Lily before jumping out of her chair and moving toward the door.  “I have to go.  Thank you for the coffee.”

“Wait, Jen-”

“I have to go.” 

I look at the empty hallway wondering what I did or said that made her leave.

Jen

Shit, what were you thinking
?
Did you think that one dose of medication is going to make it all better?  How could you be such an idiot?
I’m talking to myself as I hurry toward my house, trying to come up with some answers.  I shouldn’t have gone to him.  And that little girl… oh God, that sweet girl could easily open my heart with just one touch.  The innocent smile, the twinkle in her eyes, the way she watches everyone, full of curiosity.

Once home, I lock myself inside my office and pound away on the keyboard, where I’m transported in foreign worlds full of control and power.  I’m in charge once again. 

I spend day after day locked in my room, writing, sleeping, and forcing myself to eat whenever my body is ready to shut down.  I haven’t heard from David, and I tell myself it’s for the best.  I don’t belong in his world just as he doesn’t belong in mine.

Today is my visit with Dr. Collins and I take extra time getting ready. I may be able to fool others, but Dr. Collins knows her shit.  She’s like a hawk, and in this case I’m the prey.  I straighten my hair and even add a little mascara and lip gloss.  I dress in a long wool skirt, the color matching the fallen autumn leaves, and pair it with a thick cashmere sweater.  I slide the zipper up on my leather boots and I’m ready.  Although I usually walk to her office, the weather is getting colder so today I choose to drive.

I drive past David’s home and hope to get a glimpse of him and Lily, but no such luck.  Bach keeps me company on my short drive.  I park the car in the underground garage, and as I walk towards her office, I start preparing myself mentally and emotionally for what I know is about to come. 

The waiting area is empty; even the receptionist is probably out to lunch.  My instincts tell me that I’m one of her longest patients and probably the safest, that’s why she schedules my visits around lunch time.  I knock on her door and she buzzes me in.  She’s smiling and extents her hand for me to take.  The whole thing is so déjà vu but I remind myself that mockery will not get me on Dr. Collins’ good side.

“Hello Jennifer.  And how are you today?” 

“I’m wonderful, Dr. Collins.”

“Please take a seat.  You look very lovely dear.”  She eyes me carefully, from head to toe, while making notes on her pad.  “So what is new with you?” 

And so it starts; the same boring shit that I’ve had to deal with for almost a year.  We both know that she’s read my file at least a dozen times.  She knows every detail of my life, inside and out.  Yet, every week – make that twice a week – there she stands with her stupid notepad on her lap, watching me with that stupid smile plastered on her
botoxed face and I’m forced to go along with it.

“Well lots actually,” I answer sweetly.  “I finished two novels and so far I’ve gotten some amazing reviews.  I started my Christmas shopping, and I got invited to another block party.  It’s a week before Christmas.”

“That is great.” She continues to make notes, glancing at me from time to time as if to assure herself I’m still there.  “And you still take your meds?”

“Every day, twice a day.”
 
Very good Jen, you get an extra point for that.

“When was your last dream?” I can no longer smile, not even fake it, as the good Dr. Collins is waiting for my answer. 

“You mean the nightmare.”

“Labeling it will not make it go away, Jennifer.  In order for you to be able to have a normal life again, you will have to face your fears.
And in this case, facing your fears means talking about it.”

My mouth feels dry and sandy, and I can feel the anxiety wrapping my body in a tight hold.  I nervously play with the rings around my chain and pray she doesn’t notice.  Who am I kidding?

“Jennifer?  Look at me.  Tell me about the dream.”  The question just turned into a command.

I take a deep breath and force the answer out. 
“Two nights ago.”  I don’t tell her that I stayed up last night just to avoid dreaming. 

“Was it the same as the one before?” 

“Yes.  Only longer.”

“What do you mean by longer?”  I move the rings from side to side, praying for strength.  The last thing I want or need is to lose control in Dr. Collins’s office.  There’s no way I’m going back to the hospital.  That thought alone helps me keep going.

“I saw myself in the hospital.  I saw my face in the mirror, saw what I looked like after.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?”  Her voice is soothing, and I relax against the pillow on the big red sofa.

“I’m bruised and hurt everywhere.  There are blood stains on my ripped shirt and I can’t find my skirt. I don’t know if the blood is mine or Sam’s.”  I choke on his name and feel the pain shooting through my veins.  Why is she making me do this?  How can anyone be so cruel? 

“Are you alone?”

“Yes.  They left me there.  They don’t know I’m still alive.  My eyes are hurting and I can tell they are swollen shut.”  I cover my face with my hands pushing down the vile taste in my mouth.  The memory is so vivid, playing faster and faster in the back of my head, no longer locked in the dark box.  I can hear the door being shut, and I know the four men are now gone.  It’s just me and Sam.  He’s lying on his side facing me and there’s blood everywhere.  His leg looks funny, like it’s broken, his eyes are vacant.  I try to push myself up from the bed but can’t feel my legs.  I pray that it’s all a bad dream but I know better. 

I call his name, my voice only a whisper and I choke on my own blood.  He’s not answering, he’s not blinking,
he’s not moving. 

There is a loud knock on our door and I hear lots of voices. 
“Mrs. Harmon, can you hear me?  I’m Jonah, from next door.  Can you hear me?”
Someone is crying and there are others talking in shushed voices. 
“Mrs. Harmon, we called 911; they should be here soon.  I need you to stay awake.  Can you hear me?”
And then there’s silence.

“Jennifer?” I open my eyes and look around.  I’m back in Dr. Collins’ office.  How did I get here?

“I’m sorry, what?” I feel so disoriented, like I just had an out of body experience.  Did I pass out?  Dr. Collins closes her notebook and clicks off her pen.  This tells me we’re just about done here. 

“Where did you go just now?”

“What do you mean?”

“Look, we’ve known each other for a long time and you are more than just a case to me. I want to help you, but I can’t do that unless you let me.  What just happened?  You remembered something, something very painful.  Can you share with me?” 

“I think you know the answer to that.  Me opening up about it is not going to make a difference.  It’s all there, in my files.” 

“Very well then.
  As I’ve mentioned last time, I believe you are making progress.  Please continue to venture out on your own, make some new friends, go to a movie.  Just surrounded yourself with people.  As long as you keep taking steps forward, you will get better and better each day.” 

“Thank you.”

“I believe our time is up.  Please continue to take your meds.  I’ve already sent another refill to your pharmacy.”  We shake hands and I’m counting the seconds until I can free myself from her office.  The moment the elevator door opens in the lobby, I make a mad run for the parking lot. I finally release the breath I’ve been holding.  The sound of my heels is deafening in my ears, like a drum playing louder and louder.  Just as my car comes into focus, I lose my footing and before I can find my balance, I’m flat on my face.  I scrape my knees and palms as I try to control my fall.  Great, just what I needed.  I look around to make sure there’s no one else looking, and then force myself up.  There’s an ugly tear in my stocking and I can see little driblets of blood already running down my leg. 
Seriously? Bring it on.  I’ve already been to hell and back.

As I drive myself home, the cut in my leg is starting to sting but I’m too emotionally exhausted to cry about it.  My house comes into view and a loud curse escapes my lips.  Right there, smack in the middle of my driveway, my mom is chatting up with David.  The little girl is somehow taking part in their exchange, obviously comfortable with my mom.  They both turn around and look my way, and I know it’s too late to turn the car around.
Busted!!!

I open the garage door and slide the car inside, hoping that will give David some sort of hint that he’s not welcome to stay. Yeah right, like that would happen.  My unwelcomed visitors follow the car inside the garage, waiting for me to turn the engine off and join them.  My battered leg is the first one to escape the comforts of the car and in an instant David is at my side.

“What happened to you?” he asks worried.

“She has a booboo
Daddy.”

“Oh nothing, I thought my outfit was lacking some shades of red and decided the easiest way to get it would be to slice open my knee.”

He raises one brow and looks me straight in the eye, his arms still tight around me.  So far my mom is happy to play the spectator.

“Did you master the art of sarcasm all by yourself or did you take lessons?  Come on; let’s get this cleaned up before you end up with an infection.  Unless you think the outfit would look better without one leg.” The urge to smack him above his head is too strong to resist, but just as I raise my hand, my mom decides to intervene.

“Hi honey.  I thought I’d surprise you with a visit but forgot about your appointment.  David was nice enough to keep me company.  Wasn’t that nice of him?”

“Yeah, super.”  My answer makes him chuckle and the smacking urge returns.  I’m not a violent person, but somehow his very presence drives me to the edge.  Lily keeps talking, non-stop about my so-called booboo, all the while trying to get me to hold her hand.

“Oh look, she likes you honey.”
Yes mom, she does and I’m this evil person who tries to stay away from all humanity, yet failing miserably because of you and your newfound friends.
I can feel David watching me, probably wondering if I’m going to freak out or not.  The seconds of silence feel like hours.

“Lily, why don’t you show Kate your new toy while I get Jenny all cleaned up.”  I turn my gaze to him and I’m rewarded with a wink and a smile. 
Gah, this man is impossible.

“Ok
Daddy.”  Does she have to be so darn cute? 

David takes the lead and helps me inside.  It’s so strange to have a man in the house, it makes me feel guilty.  We walk into the kitchen and he pulls out a chair for me to sit on. 

“Do you have a first aid kit?”

“Yes, I actually have a full ER room just down the hall.  Do I look like I would have a first aid kit?”

“You’re funny, you know that?”  He kneels in front of me to assess the damage. Before I realize what his plans are, I feel his hand move up my thigh as he starts gently pulling down my stocking.  The chill from the kitchen along with his feather-like touch make me shiver and little goose bumps become visible all over the naked skin. I watch him go to the sink and wet a towel then return to his kneeling position. I think I like him on his knees.
What the hell?  Where did that come from?  Bad Jennifer, bad.
  He cleans my leg gently, removing the dry blood, all the while blowing air into the affected area.  My mom hands him a band-aid which he places over the cut and follows it with a kiss.  I’m too stunned to speak. Lily giggles at the scene unfolding before her eyes. 

“There.  Good as new.”  If I wasn’t sitting, his smile would have the power to get me to my knees.  I wonder if he knows the effect his touch has on me.  I look at his hand still pressed against my thigh then back into his dark eyes.  “Ok.  I guess I better go.  Thank you Kate, as always it was a pleasure talking to you.  Jenny.”  Before he walks away, he leans close to my ear, only a breath away and whispers, “You’re still alive in there Jenny.  I think we both felt it.” I’m still in shock, unable to say anything, so I just watch him hold his daughter’s hand and walk away.  My mom follows him to the door, and I can hear them talking but not clear enough to understand what they are saying.  I’m sure he’s probably thinking what I freak I am.  After all, each time we meet, I managed to make a fool of myself. 

I look down at the band-aid and still feel the heat from his fingers.  It’s been over five years since I had anyone touch me, especially a man. 

“What a pleasant young man. 
And handsome, too.”

“Mom, please don’t bring him here ever again.”

“Now, honey-”

“No, Mom.  I don’t want him in my house, in my driveway, anywhere near me.”

“Why Jennifer?  Give me one good reason.  He’s good for you.  He’s exactly what you need.”

“
Arhh, I’m not having this conversation with you.  It’s my house.  The house Sam got for me.”

“Are you hearing yourself?  Sam is gone, baby.  He didn’t buy this house. God help me, when will this get better for you?”  She’s crying, big fat tears, the kind that make me feel guilty and like the piece of shit that I am. 

“I don’t have a reason, Mom.” I wrap my arms around her small shoulders and hold her close to me.

“I can’t do this anymore.  You’re my little girl, and I refuse to watch you waste your life locked away from the world.  You need to start living, baby.”

“I don’t know how, Mom.  I’m so sorry, OK?  I promise I’ll try harder.  I promise, Mom, just don’t cry anymore.”  She pulls away from me, her pain visible all over her lovely face, and it’s all my doing. 

No matter what I say to her right now it won’t make any difference.  The damage has been done.  As I lay against the door on the cool floor, I finally break down.  The tears do nothing to my shattered heart. 
God, Sam, why didn’t you take me with you? How could you be so selfish and leave me when I needed you the most?

That night, as I lay alone in my big cold bed, I think of everything that’s been happening to me.  All I know is that I have to find a way to snap out of it before I end up losing my mom too.  She can’t take it anymore and I can’t blame her.  The new pills prescribed by Dr. Collins are waiting for me on top of the dresser, begging me to take them.  They are the answer to everything. 

“I’m sorry Sam, but I think it’s time to let you go,” I whisper to the empty room and swallow the little orange pills.  I know in no time I’ll be feeling too relaxed to worry about anything, so I go back to bed and pull the comforter over my head, ready to finally sleep. The tears are falling, still, but slowly I’m beginning to feel at peace.

David

I shouldn’t have done that. 
I’m surprised she didn’t kick me out the minute my hand went up her skirt. And the worst thing is I just wanted to keep going until I got to the most intimate part of her, touch her and make her come all over my hand.  I wanted to hear her moan with pleasure and fall apart right there on that kitchen chair.  No matter how many times I’ve tried to get her out of my head, she somehow always finds her way back in.  Her face, her perfect smile, those sky blue eyes, everything about her is imprinted in my mind.

The need to protect her is killing me. I just don’t know how I can do that without scaring the shit out of her.  While Lily is taking her nap, I walk into the kitchen to grab some coffee.  The drawings I’ve been working on for the last two days are a present reminder that I’m way over my head in deadlines.  I have to focus on this or my ass will never get the contract renewed.  The knock on the front door brings me back to present. Part of me hopes to find Jenny on the other side of the door, but I know better. I open the door and I’m surprised to find a crying Kate there.

“Oh my God, are you ok, Kate?”

“May I come in for a moment?” she sobs. 

“Yes of course. Did something happen with Jenny?”

“You are such a sweet young man, calling her Jenny.” For whatever reason, me calling her daughter Jenny only makes her cry even harder.  I feel kind of nervous and unsure of what to make of this woman.  Based on my experience with her daughter, I just hope she’s not as
sensitive
as Jenny’s been so far.

“Would you like some water?”

“No honey, I’m ok.  I just needed to talk to someone.  I’ve been keeping everything inside for such a long time. I can tell you’re fond of my daughter and I believe you can help her.” I watch the little lady wipe her face and get more comfortable at my kitchen table. 

“What’s wrong with Jenny?”  She takes a deep breath and I can tell she’s having a hard time deciding how much she should share with me. 

“I wish I could tell you everything but it’s not my place.  Some monsters did terrible things to my Jen, and she lost Sam and their little girl.” Kate is crying again and my heart breaks for her daughter’s loss.  I can’t even imagine my life without Lily, and I know what it was like to lose my wife.  It all makes sense now; her uneasiness around my little girl, the way she keeps herself locked away from the rest of the world.  Kate looks up at me, her eyes red and swollen from crying. 

“She’s still hurt inside and so afraid to let herself love again.  But I’m her mother, and I know she likes you.  I’ve seen that today.  I know I’m asking a lot of you, but I need you to help her.  Don’t give up on her.  If you do care as much as I think you do, then help her.”

“Look Kate, I don’t know how.  I mean, you saw how she reacts around me.  I don’t think I’m what she needs.”

“You don’t understand.  She’s been in treatment for five years, David. 
Five long and hard years.  Nothing is working.  I don’t want to see my baby girl die.  She’s already half way there.”  Her words pain me.  I’ve known her daughter for just a few months and she’s already got me all wrapped up in her. God, what am I thinking trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved? I’m no freaking hero and this is so much bigger than anything I’ve ever encountered.

“Tell you what, Kate.  I promise I’ll do all I can to get her to open up but don’t expect some miracle.  I’m no doctor; I don’t know what she needs.  Most of all, you can’t force her into anything.”

“I understand.  Thank you so much.  I can’t even begin to tell you what this means to me.” 

Her mother’s words are still haunting me hours later as I try to finish my work. Nothing comes to mind that I could use to break down the walls Jenny has built around herself.  She wants me to believe she’s this iceberg, void of any kind of human feelings, but her body told me a different story.  I felt her tremble under my touch and I wanted so much more.  She is my unhealthy addiction, the only thing I want to taste each morning when I first open my eyes, the one thing I want to touch right before I go to sleep. 

I haven’t seen Jenny since that day.  I’ve watched her house from time to time—not in a creepy way, mind you, hoping to get at least a glimpse of her face.  No such luck, so far. 

I know all about hurt, hell, I’ve lived it after Becky died.  It’s not like I forgot that morning call that changed our lives forever.  The day I was informed by some stranger that my wife had been killed in a car accident.  I knew pain and its effects, and Jenny had endured more than enough.  I had to find a way to get her to see me.