Beyond 4/20 (24 page)

“You feeling any better, Punkin’?”

“I thwowed up again.” Leaning toward him, she asked, “Wiww you hoed me now, Daddy?”

Tuck looked at Chelsea, finding she had tears pooled in her eyes. It was a moment that stopped his heart, a moment that made him realize that all that mattered to him in the world was there sitting on that bathroom floor. Looking back at Sara Beth, he said, “I’ll hold you all night if you need me to.”

“I need you to.” Resting her head on Tuck’s shoulder, Sara Beth rubbed his back with her tiny hand and whispered, “You’we my favowite daddy of all.”

“And you’re my favorite little cowgirl.”

Crying quietly, Chelsea had to leave the room for a moment.

They had just gotten Sara Beth cleaned up and in bed and within ten minutes, Lucy began vomiting. Over the next hour, Lucy was sick, just as violently sick as Sara Beth had been. When it was all over with, Tuck ended up sleeping on the floor, stretched out on two princess sleeping bags laid end to end. The last Chelsea saw of him, he was lying there shirtless, sleeping on a fuzzy kitty pillow. Knowing he was so close, wanting more than anything to move down there and spoon with him, she realized she loved him so much she actually hurt inside. Maybe it would never be what she felt with John, but, if she considered it all fairly, she had never loved John in this lifelong, divinely intertwined way that she loved Tuck. Maybe it was okay to feel love in differing degrees. With those tangled and messy thoughts in mind, Chelsea finally fell asleep in the bed with the girls, arms and legs sprawled all over the place.

The morning brought wellness. As if nothing had happened, Sara Beth and Lucy both woke feeling much better. Because they had been so sick, Chelsea insisted they eat a lighter breakfast of oatmeal rather than the pancakes they were begging their daddy for. Being a dad, he had readily agreed to begin with, but Chelsea had to veto that, promising they could have pancakes for lunch if breakfast settled well.

The morning was like old times, which comforted Chelsea but truly unsettled Tuck. She could feel how uneasy he was and finally offered, “If you need to go, go.”

Her tone was rather abrupt.

“No, I’m fine. I want to stay.” Trying to figure out where that came from, he asked, “Why? Do you want me to go?”

“You’re just acting weird, like this is freaking you out.”

The kids were settled in on the sofa. Lucy was reading to Sara Beth, and Tuck was there in the kitchen while she cleaned up the breakfast dishes. Maybe she was the one who was unsettled. His shirt was in the dryer, and there he was with tan muscles bulging all over the place, causing Chelsea to lose track of her thoughts and fumble around the kitchen. He was crazy beautiful and made her feel all jiggly inside. Literally, she felt tremors every time she looked at him. It had been so long since she had been held and loved that the thought of Tuck wrapping his arms around her sent her mind reeling with little mini-movies of making out right there over a sink full of dirty dishes.

Moving to where she was, he leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. “Last night scared me to death.”

His sincere admission interrupted her shameless train of thought. She stopped what she was doing and dried her hands. “Why?”

“I don’t know. We needed you and you were here.” He had meant to say
she
, meaning Sara Beth needed her, but maybe his first statement was more accurate. “She’s so little still, and she needs you.”

The night before, with Hailey standing there in the doorway trying to be supportive, all he could wonder was why he had walked away from Chelsea. Wasn’t a pretend family better than none at all? And wasn’t the mother to his girls being there and involved all the time more important than finding someone who would look at him all googley-eyed? Real love was the day-to-day stuff, not wedding photos and longing looks. He was selfish and had blown it.

Chelsea sighed, sensing this moment was a defining point in how they moved forward. Part of her wanted to be selfless and give him permission to continue whatever search he was on, but her most recent understanding of the depth of her love for him wouldn’t allow it. They belonged together.

“Of course she needs me. They both do. What do you want me to say to that?
I
didn’t go anywhere.”

“I don’t want you to say anything, I guess. I just wanted you to know that everything feels off. Life with the kids now feels like some tangled mess.”

She suspected this had more to do with his relationship with Sara Beth. When he was an active part of their lives, his relationship with her made more sense, but now, he had stepped away. Sure, it must have been awkward having her around his new girlfriend, and the girlfriend probably didn’t like it much, but it hurt her to hear him call it tangled, as if how Sara Beth felt about him were some mistake.

“I hate to hear you call it tangled.”

“What would you call it?”

“Interwoven maybe, but not tangled. Tangled is an accident or a mistake. She loves you, so when she sees Lucy go home with you, of course she wants to go.”

Chelsea sighed heavily, knowing how much this would hurt Sara Beth. “I’ll talk to her.”

That came totally out of the blue. Was she saying Sara Beth couldn’t go with him anymore? Throwing his hands in the air, putting on the air brakes, he said, “Whoa! What are we talking about here?”

“I realize things are different now that you have someone else in your life. It’s gotten complicated.”

“Look, I don’t know what you
think
I meant. When I said tangled, I meant for the girls, going back and forth and never having both of us. That’s what’s off.”

He felt a bit hurt by what she had suggested. Getting a little louder than he intended, he clarified, “If you think Hailey could possibly change how I feel about Sara Beth, then you don’t know me at all. She’s mine now, no matter what.”

As much as her heart had fallen at hearing him call the situation tangled, it leapt at his insistence that Sara Beth was his. She was once prepared to fight for Lucy just as he was now prepared to fight for Sara Beth.

“I’m sorry. I thought you meant…”

She trailed off, feeling ridiculous for even thinking he might not want Sara Beth to be with him. She knew better. He was as head-over-heels in love with Sara Beth as she was with him.

Revisiting his original comment that things were off she agreed. “Things
are
off when we’re not together as a family.
She
has no place in their lives.” Pounding her chest, she whispered, “I’m their mom. This is
our
family.”

She was tearing up again and hurriedly tried to blink away her tears. Feeling immediately guilty and selfish for trying to make him feel guilty, Chelsea apologized. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all that.”

“You’re right, though.”

Even sitting at the table with them before Sara Beth had gotten so sick, he was disgusted by his insistence that they allow Hailey into their lives. It was forced, and Lucy was miserable but too sweet to take any stand. Poor Sara Beth had no way of knowing that the nice lady who played with her was hoping to take her mama’s place with her daddy.

“Tuck.” Chelsea closed her eyes, trying to force herself to say what she was really feeling. It was awkward, and she feared he would hear her out but then walk away from her anyway. When she opened her eyes again, she took a deep breath and admitted, “After John died, I felt like a widow. Now, with us, I feel like I’m divorced. This is heartbreaking. We’re dragging our kids back and forth and hurting them. I know other kids live like this every day and survive it, but I don’t want this for our girls.”

“I don’t either,” he admitted. Separated and sharing custody was exactly what it seemed like the night before when Sara Beth needed her mommy and he had another woman in his home. He felt unfaithful to Chelsea and his daughters.

Both Chelsea’s parents and his had experienced long and successful marriages. Neither of them had ever been exposed to the back and forth life their girls were living, so he found it hard to even relate to how torn they must feel. It was then that Lucy’s words from the night before stung his heart again. What she said, that it wasn’t right, was true. Nothing about being apart from his family was right.

Without question, Chelsea wanted him back, but not if it meant taking away his happiness. Whatever it was he was so determined to find when he walked away from her, if it mattered to him, it mattered to her. No matter her feelings, she was willing to give him up if Hailey was the one he wanted. He had once done the same for her.

“Are you in love with her?”

Tuck looked away. “I care for her.”

That wasn’t
love
. By the time Tuck came to L.A. for her, it was already too late; she was in love with John. Caring for someone was a far cry from love, which meant she wasn’t too late, and because she wasn’t, she was prepared to put up a fight.

“Give our family another chance before it’s too late and you fall in love with her. Because then, I know it’ll be too late.”

She sighed heavily, recalling his words from L.A. Repeating them, certain he would remember, she whispered, “It was supposed to be me.” If anyone understood the consequences of giving up too soon, she did.

He stepped forward but didn’t touch her. She was right; it was supposed to be her. It was Chelsea and always had been. Standing so near her, he knew what he had to do.

“Give me a little time. Will you do that?”

Nodding, she said, “I’ll give you whatever you need.”

The dryer buzzed, but he made no move to go. He was still standing so close to her that all she would have to do was reach out and touch him. She wanted to. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and feel caught up in him. Knowing he was still so torn, though, she forced her hands to remain by her sides.

“I need you to know something,” she said.

He was staring into her eyes, certain he had never seen her look quite so vulnerable. “What?”

“These past months, I’ve been trying to make my way back to Jesus. It wasn’t that I couldn’t give my heart to you. It was that I was trying to give it back to Him first. Somewhere along the way I got off balance, and I haven’t quite made my way back yet. I’m working on that, but I’m afraid I can’t give you what you need until I get that straightened out.”

He smiled softly, certain he had never heard any sweeter words than those. “You keep working on that. I don’t want a heart that doesn’t belong to Him first.” Leaning down, he whispered in her ear, “But I do want it someday.”

Chelsea stood motionless. The feel of him so near felt different than she thought it might. On the few occasions she allowed herself to imagine it, she anticipated feeling guilty, as if she were being unfaithful to John, but she didn’t. She felt strangely warm. His breath, as he spoke so softly, tickled her ear and his nearness caused the hair on the back of her neck to stand on end. Without thinking better of it, she reached out and touched him, her hand coming to rest on his side, just above his waist. His skin was warm beneath her fingertips, which sent this electric current zinging throughout her entire body.

Gasping slightly at the feel of her fingers on his bare skin, Tuck quickly reached for her wrist and moved her hand. “Chelsea.”

“I’m sorry.” Embarrassed, she tried to step away.

He blocked her path, not wanting her to feel rejected. She was anything but rejected. As a matter of fact, there was nothing in the entire world that he wanted any more than her. Nothing had changed. Even after those months of separation, all roads led right back to her, but the time for them still wasn’t right. He sensed it deep down.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s just that…”

He was about say that it wasn’t right because of Hailey, but that wasn’t exactly true. Instead, he admitted, “I’m not sure where we are right now. I think we should take this slowly.”

“I know.”

She hadn’t really meant to touch him, but he was so close and it felt perfectly natural to reach for him. Even in that moment as he hovered over her, the look in his eyes said something completely different from his words. He loved her as much as he always had, and he wanted her, but after all those years of waiting, he seemed hesitant. After all they had been through, how could he feel anything but hesitant?

He was honest with her. “Things can’t be like they were. I’m not at all sure what it needs to be, but I don’t think we were all that healthy.”

To pretend and close his eyes to reality couldn’t possibly be a healthy relationship. The reality was, she was lonely but still in love with her husband. She wanted him there because of the kids, but she wasn’t able to commit herself to him in any permanent sense. That wasn’t right. He wasn’t sure he could just step back in and pick up where they left off. In the moment, though, standing there so close to her, nothing much made sense. All he wanted was her, but he would have to pray about it to find some peace.

If he did know one thing, it was that he belonged back with Chelsea and their daughters, and he would move heaven and earth to make that happen. In his mind, he could hear Sara Beth from the night before as she asked him, “Wiww you hoed me now, Daddy?” He didn’t want to miss one opportunity to hold her when she needed him, and he never again wanted to put Lucy in the position he had with Hailey. Even if nothing more came of Chelsea and him than raising their children together, that was enough. Maybe where they were before was the only place to go back to. It wouldn’t be a relationship between them, but at least they would be back together as a family. The thought of that did give him peace.

Smiling shyly, she said, “We’ll take this slowly.”

Blinking hard and long, trying to get the image of his bare chest out of her mind, she said, “Go get your shirt; it’ll wrinkle.”

Tuck drove immediately to Hailey’s, hoping to catch her before she left for church. She had invited him on several occasions to go with her and even asked if she could go with him. Neither option ever felt right, especially her going with him. Now he understood why. That was a next step they would never take.