Beyond 4/20 (21 page)

As the weeks passed, they all settled into such a familiar and comfortable routine, never did either Chelsea or Tuck consider doing life any differently since their family worked the way it was. Their relationship was cause for much speculation around town. Just as when she returned from L.A., people wondered. Especially now that they spent most waking hours together, it was just assumed that they were a couple. They sat together at church and had most meals together. Technically, they really were a couple without being a couple. Chelsea’s parents didn’t ask, and neither did anyone else actually ask, but people just based their opinions on the facts, and the fact was that Chelsea, Tuck, Lucy, and Sara Beth had become an unlikely family.

Summer was well underway, and with it came the one year anniversary of John’s passing. Chelsea handled it remarkably well. It wasn’t the pretend-everything-is-all-right kind of day. She was genuinely okay. That afternoon, her parents went with her and the girls to John’s grave and placed flowers there. For obvious reasons, Tuck skipped that outing. Later that evening, he came over and they all watched a movie. He was clearly surprised that she was doing so well.

Chelsea was settled and happy. She loved her girls, and she loved Tuck. Unsure of how long they could and would actually continue on that way, she was completely content to keep things as they were.

Sara Beth’s birthday came and Lucy’s quickly after. Each had a party at home, and for both, Tuck was there recording the event. He was a tremendous father. As unusual a place as he held in their lives, for Sara Beth’s sake, she was so thankful for him. They had developed a bond that was touching and sweet and beyond anything that made rational sense, just like Lucy and Chelsea. For her birthday, Tuck bought Sara Beth her first pair of cowgirl boots. From that day forward, she wore them everywhere with everything. Even to church each Sunday, she wore them no matter how dressy her dress. Eventually, he bought her two more pairs just so she would have a variety to go with different outfits.

Because Lucy was never one to think much of farm life, much more content to sit at the piano with Chelsea, Tuck was thrilled to have found a young companion who liked all things outdoors. Anytime Tuck was willing, Sara Beth wanted to go with him to the farm. She loved horses and sheep and every animal he would allow her to pet. Often, Tuck bragged on her, assuring Chelsea that Sara Beth had a special way with animals and that she would surely be a farmer someday. There was a gentleness about her that the animals seemed to respond to. Soon enough, Tuck bought her her first pony. From that day on, she went to Tuck’s place every week to see Lollipop, or as she called him, Wowwipop.

Without a doubt, Tuck had stepped in and become Sara Beth’s daddy. On occasion, Chelsea wondered if she had done the right thing by allowing their lives to become so intertwined. With the sweet love they shared, though, how could it be wrong? He was the kindest, most gently daddy. At times, just watching them together brought tears to her eyes as she realized how God was providing a father for a little girl who had lost hers.

As for her relationship with Tuck, it wasn’t the least bit complicated. They enjoyed being with one another just as they always had. Theirs was a friendship that had weathered the worst of life’s storms and survived. She not only admired Tuck for the father he was, she loved him for the friend he was to her. Though she knew he felt more for her than simple friendship, she didn’t spend a whole lot of time pondering such things. When she did, their uncomplicated relationship suddenly became convoluted. She was happy. He was happy. Their girls were happy. Why go meddling?

Chapter 12

T
he holidays went by in a red and green blur. Lucy had a Christmas program at church, a piano recital, and a school program, all of which required practices in the weeks leading up to each performance. There were school parties, church parties, and family get-togethers. It was the most hectic season Chelsea had ever known. If she baked one cookie, she baked five hundred. Every time she turned around she was agreeing to bake and take something somewhere. Finally, just days before Christmas, Chelsea insisted on a mandatory family only policy; no more going anywhere or shopping. For the remainder of the Christmas holiday, Tuck, Chelsea, and the girls spent a quiet few days alone, with the exception of Christmas Eve at her parents, which was anything but quiet.

It was on New Year’s Eve that things took an unusual turn, one that Chelsea never saw coming. The evening was, for the most part, typical. They had pizza and watched a movie, drank sparkling cider from fluted glasses - that part was new - and the girls stayed up as late as they could, just past ten. Sara Beth clopped around in her cowgirl boots and pj’s while Lucy played a video game.

Once both girls were in bed, Chelsea came back downstairs to visit with Tuck. Most nights, he left by ten, but since this was a special occasion, she assumed he would stay a bit longer. She hoped so. She wasn’t sleepy yet and hoped he would keep her company and ring in the New Year together.

When she walked into the living room, she found him holding a photo of her and John, one of their wedding photos. The look on his face puzzled her. When she cleared her throat, he looked up at her and sat the photo down.

Before releasing the photo, Tuck looked again at Chelsea’s face. She was literally glowing as she looked at John. “I’ve never seen you any happier than this.”

Chelsea smiled and walked over to look at the photo. It was one she often studied. He was only half right. She had never been so happy before, but after that photo, things only got better, and she missed that feeling of ever-increasing love and happiness.

Tuck remembered what that night felt like for him. There was the glow of lights shining in the sky while he sat grieving her loss. That night, he thought he had lost her for good, and looking back, he knew he was right. What they currently shared was good. The life they were building together was all he had ever wanted, but when he studied the way she looked at John, he decided he wanted someone to look at him that way someday. For the first time ever, he had to admit, that would never be Chelsea. He really had lost her for good. Pretending was what they were doing, pretending to be a family they weren’t. Somewhere along the way, he had gotten lost in the fantasy that he belonged, that he was Sara Beth’s dad too. He wasn’t, and Chelsea wasn’t his.

His mouth went suddenly dry as he admitted, “I think I’m done waiting now.”

Unsure of his meaning, she asked, “Waiting for what.”

“For you.”

Trying to absorb his words, she finally stammered, “I’ve never asked you to wait.”

Tuck sighed, regretting the direction the night would take them. “I know you didn’t. John did.”

“He what?”

Tuck walked over to the sofa and dropped heavily onto the cushion.

“He came to my place and asked me to wait for you. He knew he was dying, and he wanted to make sure you would be taken care of.”

Remaining standing, shaken up entirely by Tuck’s words, she said, “That wasn’t fair of him to ask such a thing.”

“It didn’t need to be fair. He was just looking out for you.”

Even before he said her name, Tuck realized what his decision might actually cost him. “And Sara Beth, he asked me to love her the way he loved Lucy.”

Chelsea bowed her head and began to cry. Of course John did all of that. Of course he was looking out for her. That was the urgency of the promise. He wanted to know she would allow herself a new life with Tuck. Suddenly, so caught up in the John aspect of the conversation, Chelsea failed to truly absorb what Tuck was saying.

“I want someone to look at me that way someday. That’s never going to be you.”

She looked at him, a bit baffled, certain he wasn’t saying what it seemed. “What are you saying?”

No matter how much he had tried to convince himself, Tuck realized that he could never compete with what they had. He would always be second choice, something she had to endure in the absence of her true love. His words to John that day in L.A. rang in his head.

“Maybe I’m not dessert, but dessert isn’t what lasts; it doesn’t nourish. It’s the real meal that sustains you.”

By the look on her face, he could see she had no idea what he was talking about. He was rambling, but before he knew it, he was continuing on, trying to make it make sense. He felt frustrated, maybe even a bit angry.

“I’m saying I’m not spinach, Chelsea, something you have to choke down because what you really want is gone.”

Jumping to his feet, he began to pace, agitated, but determined.

“I’m more like a steak and baked potato. You know, one of those really big steakhouse potatoes that make you think, man, where do they get potatoes this size?” He stopped. He was making no more sense at the end than he was at the beginning.

He walked over to her and put his hands on her shoulders. “Forget all that.” Looking into her eyes, reading mostly confusion in them, he clarified, “I have to wonder if maybe there’s somebody out there who will look at me and light up the night sky. I’m going to give it a shot. For the first time since I was just a kid, I’m not waiting anymore.”

Tuck released her and moved quickly for the door. As he reached for the knob, he stopped abruptly and turned back. “Please tell me I can still see Sara Beth. I need her in my life. She needs me too.”

Feeling dazed and incredibly confused, Chelsea nodded and then watched as he walked out the door.

The following morning, life went from comfortable and routine to painful and chaotic. Sara Beth wanted pancakes and refused to eat Chelsea’s, saying they weren’t like Tuck’s. Lucy was suspicious when she found out her dad wasn’t coming for breakfast. Honestly, as much as Chelsea thought of what to tell the girls after Tuck left the night before, she still didn’t know what to say. For hours after he left, she expected him to call and say he had made a mistake. Keeping her phone by her bed, Chelsea sat up hour after hour hoping he would.

Hardly sleeping that night, she found herself plagued with thoughts of John and why he would ask something like that of Tuck. Looking back over the course of time since John’s death, she saw her relationship with Tuck in a different light. How could Tuck love her so much that he would settle for being what he considered second best? Obviously, that was what he felt, and in truth, he was right. As much as she loved Tuck, she was still in love with John. That would likely never change, which would make a relationship with Tuck unfair and one-sided.

For him to walk away was the wisest thing. She knew that to be true, but she was left with two confused little girls and mass chaos at breakfast time. Something would have to be explained, but for the life of her, she didn’t know what to say.

Lucy sat eating her pancakes, wondering why her dad wasn’t coming. She could tell by her mom’s expression that something bad was happening. She was really perky and fake happy. Something didn’t feel right.

“So will he come later?” she asked.

Chelsea smiled. “I don’t think so. Unless you want him to swing by and pick you up? I’m sure he will if you want, or I can drive you out.”

Lucy studied her. “I’m not a baby.”

Sara Beth agreed with Lucy. “I’m not a baby, too.”

Chelsea stood looking at the girls, frustrated, at a loss for words. Sara Beth was eating fruit and yogurt, her mother’s child. What kid would pass up pancakes for that? One who would only eat Tuck’s
special
pancakes. The only
special
thing about them was that he swore he added a secret ingredient. She had watched him make them, even when he would turn around and pretend to add the secret ingredient. There was nothing special, but to the two little girls sitting at that table, they were special all right.

Finally, Chelsea sat at the table next to Lucy and admitted, “Your dad’s not coming back. Not like before.” When Lucy’s eyes filled with tears, Chelsea reached for her.

“What did you do?”

Lucy moved away from her, angry, certain it must be Chelsea’s fault. Her dad loved Chelsea and wanted to be a family with them. He never said it really, but she knew.

“I’m not sure what happened exactly, but I don’t think I
did
anything different.”

“So he just got mad at you and left?”

“He wasn’t mad. He just said he thought maybe we should have some space.” Those weren’t his exact words, but Chelsea wouldn’t dare tell Lucy that he said he wanted to find someone else. She would rather Lucy be angry at her than at her dad.

“So we’re not going to be a family anymore?”

“We will always be a family.” When Lucy stood, Chelsea reached for her, adding, “It just may look different from now on.”

Lucy stepped into Chelsea’s arms and began to weep openly and loudly. Never once since knowing Lucy had she seen such deep devastation. Chelsea began to cry, and immediately Sara Beth did as well.

It was the worst beginning to any year of Chelsea’s life. The day was overcast and dreary. Lucy was sullen, and Sara Beth picked up on both Lucy’s and Chelsea’s dismal moods. She was whiney and clingy. At just before noon, Tuck called and asked to speak to Lucy. When he asked her to come home for the night, she reluctantly said yes. Chelsea sat watching Lucy as she spoke to him. She seemed torn.

Mouthing the words, Chelsea said, “It’s okay. Go.”

When she was off the phone, Chelsea said to her, “I’ll miss you, but he needs you as much as I do.”

“Why does it have to be like this? Why wasn’t he happy?”

Chelsea went to where Lucy was sitting and knelt. “Lucy, your dad is the greatest guy I have ever known, and I mean that with all my heart. He’s been my friend since we were little kids. We will always be friends, but I think for now, he needs to see what else life may have for him, what God has for him. Because he is such a good friend, he stepped into our lives when I needed him most. Now that I’m better, he needs to get back to his own life.”

“What about me and Sara Beth?”

“Well.”

Chelsea thought for a moment. She didn’t know what that would look like. With Lucy, she was his daughter; she would be with him back and forth just like before. As for Sara Beth, it was difficult to know how that would play out. No matter how much they loved each other, she wasn’t his.

Lucy knew her mom well enough to know that she didn’t have an answer, or if she did, she didn’t want to say. “Nothing will be the same now. Will it?”

“Not exactly, no.”

“I’ll go get my things.” Lucy slid by where Chelsea was kneeling. “Come on Sara B.; you can help me.”

It wasn’t long before Tuck arrived. When he did, there was an awkward silence between them, and he hardly looked her in the eye.

“The girls missed you this morning.”

Clearing his throat, he admitted, “Yeah, I missed them too.”

He had been up most of the night thinking things over. Though he considered back-peddling what he had said, he knew that would be a mistake. When he left Chelsea’s the night before, he drove out to the house site, the one they would never build on now. For the first time, he sincerely had given up. After all those years and after all the reasons he had to give up but didn’t, he wasn’t exactly sure what caused him to snap as he did. Whatever it was, he was truly done, done waiting, done hoping, and done pretending. They weren’t a family and never would be.

Lucy came down the stairs with Sara Beth on her heels. Sara Beth was wearing her cowgirl boots and had an arm full of clothes and toys. She was crying. “Wet me put this in thewe, Wucy.”

In a very patient tone, Lucy said, “You can’t, Sara Beth. You have to stay home with Mama.”

“Nooo!” Sara Beth collapsed on the bottom step and bawled. After a second or two, she realized Tuck had come. Rushing toward him, arms extended, she cried, “Pwease, take me with you.”

Tuck unwound Sara Beth’s arms from around his leg and scooped her up in his arms. Hugging her tightly, he whispered, “Aw, baby.”

Looking at Chelsea, feeling helpless and heartbroken, he mouthed, “Pwease?”

Chelsea nodded and quickly looked away, blinking hard to keep from crying.

“Lucy, let’s put Sara Beth’s pj’s in your bag too.”

Within another minute, they were gone and there was Chelsea all alone. Alone so seldom, she hardly knew what to do with herself. With nervous energy driving her, she began cleaning house and picking up toys. Before too long, she lost steam and dropped heavily onto the sofa in the living room. Lucy’s words echoed in her heart; nothing would be the same now.

At Tuck’s house the afternoon was filled with laughter and excitement. They cooked hot dogs over a campfire in the back yard. It was way too cold to stay outdoors long, but they all bundled up and roasted their hot dogs and quickly went inside to eat them. They played games for the next hour and eventually decided to bake a cake. Once they were finished with that, they all pitched in and cleaned the incredible mess they had made. Tuck hadn’t known such joy in his own home in a very long time. Rarely had Lucy come home with him in all the time they had been playing family. So every time he was home, it was quiet and lonesome. Not this night. He rode Sara Beth around and played horsey. Once even, Lucy asked for a ride, surprising since she was crossing over into that “I’m not a little kid anymore” phase.

By nine, Sara Beth was yawning, so he started a late bedtime routine. Lucy wanted to take her bath separately, so that left Tuck alone with Sara Beth as she took hers. He had lathered up her hair and stood it on end as she loved to do. She played for a minute more and then said she was done.

After he rinsed her hair and as he reached for a towel, she said, “I wove you, Daddy.”

Tuck froze and closed his eyes. There was no sweeter sound than hearing those words. Grinning, he turned to her and said, “And I wove you, Sara Beth.” He wrapped the towel around her and lifted her from the water. “No matter what, I love you, and you’ll always be my favorite Sara Beth ever.”