Beyond 4/20 (20 page)

“I found out he took himself off the transplant list. He refused the heart when one was offered to him.”

Tuck was stunned. It never crossed his mind that some new piece of information had actually triggered this episode of depression. He figured that it all finally caught up with her. At the funeral home, she seemed almost too strong, nearly robotic, so even then, he suspected that true grief would finally come. Obviously she had found this out recently, but he didn’t ask any more questions. The last thing he wanted was to become some confidant that she talked to about John. He couldn’t handle that. Easily enough, he could cook and clean and play with the girls, the highlight of his every day, but he didn’t want to hear Chelsea pining over her dead husband. As much as he was trying to die to himself, to be there for her purely as a friend and put his truest feelings aside, it was simply too much for him to talk through her feelings for John.

Tuck thought back to the day John visited him at the farm. That must have been around the time when John got off the transplant list. That was how he
knew
he was going to die, but Tuck surely wasn’t going to tell Chelsea about their conversation.

Finally, feeling forced to say something in response, he said, “I’m sure there’s some rational explanation.”

Chelsea shook her head. “Doesn’t matter.”

She stood, moved past Tuck, and not surprisingly, headed upstairs to her room. Before he could think much more about it, Sara Beth came running toward him with a book in hand.

“Wead me this book,” she said as she climbed up into his lap and snuggled in.

“I’d wove to wead you this book.” He hugged her tightly and added, “First, tell me who’s your favorite Tuck of all.”

Giggling, she said, “You’we my favowite Tuck of all.”

As he read the book, often he would lose track of what he was reading he was so enamored with Sara Beth. It felt good to have a little one in his lap again. Because he loved Chelsea so much, he had always loved Sara Beth. From the moment she was born, he had. In his heart, he was already her daddy, and without question, she felt it too. Since she was confused over the fact that Lucy called him daddy, at times she would call him daddy too. When she did, Lucy would laugh and tell her his name was Tuck. It was sad for Sara Beth that she couldn’t call him daddy like Lucy did. When Lucy would correct her, Sara Beth would get this baffled look on her face, as if trying to figure out why they each called him a different name. She didn’t understand one was a name and the other a title.

Soon enough, Sara Beth was bored with her story and wriggled out of Tuck’s lap. He sat watching her as she went to sit at the pint-sized plastic table over in the corner. She was playing “dinner,” a game where she placed dishes around the table and made dinner for Tuck. Anytime she invited him over, he would kneel at the table and eat her cooking.

Without a doubt he was falling helplessly in love with her. At times, he feared Chelsea might snap out of it and exclude him from their family. Sadly, he imagined it was the same as Chelsea felt that first year when Lucy was becoming a part of her life and John’s. It was a constant sinking feeling, fearing you would lose the child you loved. The only other time he had known such fear was when Lindsey first filed for custody of Lucy.

After “dinner” with Sara Beth, Tuck began the evening routine of baths and jammies. The girls bathed together, and before it was over, the bathroom was drenched. While he cleaned up and the girls got their pj’s on, he heard Chelsea go into the girls’ room. They shared one because Sara Beth insisted she sleep where Lucy slept. Her own room was never slept in since even when Lucy went home to stay with Tuck, Sara Beth insisted on sleeping in Lucy’s bed. How close they were was comforting to Tuck. Sara Beth filled a void in Lucy’s life, and as he was discovering, she was filling a void in his own life he never knew he had.

“I want the pink ones.” She folded her arms around herself so that her mama couldn’t reach them.

Tuck walked in to find Chelsea sitting on the side of the bed trying to get Sara Beth to put on her yellow pajamas.

“I think the pink ones are in the dryer. Want me to go get them?”

Grinning up at him, she folded her little hands and rested them in her lap, saying, “Yes, pweeze.”

Tuck bowed gallantly, saying, “Your wish is my command, my little lady.”

When Tuck left the room, Chelsea pulled Sara Beth into her lap and brushed her wet hair. The girls would stay up long enough for their hair to dry, and afterwards Tuck would help get them into bed before heading home. It was a comfortable routine they had developed. Once, her mother asked what she thought of Tuck being there so much, causing Chelsea to consider it more thoughtfully than she ever had. She didn’t mind at all; as a matter of fact, she enjoyed him being around. He was patient and loving toward Sara Beth, and Lucy was glad to have him there since she didn’t have to choose where to spend the night. It worked well.

Over the past few days, Chelsea had been feeling a little better. Early on after Caroline’s visit, she could hardly function, but recently the fog seemed to be lifting. Some days, she felt as if she might be making major progress, but then the next day she would find herself unable to get out of bed again. A few times, she actually considered going to see a doctor. The day before, she deliberated on the idea more than she ever had. Once Tuck left to go back home after taking Lucy to school, Chelsea tried to force herself to sit with Sara Beth and play with her, but she was so overwhelmed and sad that she couldn’t focus on what she was doing. Several times, she found Sara Beth was talking to her yet she hadn’t heard a word she said. Her daughters deserved better than the mother she was being to them.

Tuck stood in the doorway watching Chelsea as she cuddled a sleepy Sara Beth in her arms. It was a sweet moment, one he wished he would see more of. Ever the optimist, he sensed a change was coming. The real Chelsea made an appearance every now and again. This was her best visit yet, and it was clear that her daughter enjoyed it just as much as he did.

Tuck knelt by the bed and dangled Sara Beth’s pink jammies before her, saying, “Fresh from the dryer, all warm and comfy.”

In a sleepy voice, Sara Beth whispered, “You’we my favowite Tuck of all,” which prompted him to climb into bed with them and tell her she was his favorite Sara Beth of all.

Lucy scooted closer to them, and for a moment, they all sat there as a family. With her dad there so much, everything felt right, and she wanted it to stay that way. Because her mom was getting a little bit better, she was afraid this would all end.

“I’m glad you’re here, Daddy.” She wrapped her arms around him and rested her cheek on his chest.

Sara Beth climbed over into his lap and repeated, “Daddy.”

Tuck looked up at Chelsea, who didn’t say a word. He gave her a look that admitted he didn’t know what to do about it. For the first time, Lucy didn’t correct her.

Chelsea reached out and moved hair from Sara Beth’s eyes. “Tuck is Lucy’s daddy, but to you and me, he’s Tuck.”

As soon as she said it and Sara Beth snuggled in deeper into Tuck’s arms, Chelsea could see a hurt expression cross her daughter’s face.

Tuck joined Chelsea downstairs after the girls went to bed. His first words were, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do about that. I feel mean if I correct her.”

For some reason, sensing how upset Chelsea was at hearing Sara Beth call him daddy, Tuck feared she would suggest that he not come around quite as much. There was a little moment of panic that set in, causing his stomach to ache.

“I don’t know what to do either,” she admitted.

Chelsea tried hard to hold back tears, but finally, one trickled down her cheek. Sara Beth didn’t remember John at all. That devastated her, though it wasn’t surprising considering she wasn’t even two when he died. John adored her, so to see her forget him so soon was heartbreaking. Even more painful was how desperately Sara Beth wanted a daddy too, just like Lucy.

“Am I in the way here?”

Tuck wondered if Chelsea ever felt that way but, up until that point, he had feared asking. Even then, he was terrified of how she might answer the question. He couldn’t even imagine going back to life without them, but if Chelsea wanted him to back off, he would. When Sara Beth had called him daddy, he was well aware of the hurt expression on Chelsea’s face. Maybe this was too much for her. Gail had offered to come at night if necessary, so he wasn’t really needed. Simply, he wanted to be there for them, and in his heart, they were his family.

Breaking down, Chelsea whispered, “No, of course not. How could you even ask that?” When Tuck wrapped his arms around her, she melted into him. “I don’t know what we would do without you.”

They were traveling uncharted territory. She no more knew how to navigate this than he did. It was complex, as much as when she and John were trying to be a part of Lucy’s life without stepping on Tuck’s toes. Just as they had done with Lucy, she assured him, “We’ll figure this thing out.”

He rested his chin on Chelsea’s head and agreed. “We will.”

Taking in a long breath, his lungs filling with deep and satisfying hope, Tuck held her a little tighter. Somehow, someday, this was what he wanted, this woman, this family. He would do anything God required of him, absolutely anything. At times, he considered the fact that maybe that was why he was born, to love her and help her learn to live again.

Life maintained this new rhythm, and Tuck found that he liked it immensely. He would be a liar if he said he didn’t want more. He did. More than anything, he hoped to find a way to build a real family out of this odd little blended family, but for the time being, what they had worked well. Chelsea was coming to life more and more and participated with the family more. They ate breakfast together before Lucy went to school. Chelsea’s mom had reduced her visits to once or twice a week, more to see the grandkids than to help out. Chelsea had begun to make dinner, and every Saturday, Tuck came early to make pancakes. They were truly a weird, but well-functioning family.

Leading up to this day, April 19th, Tuck had often wondered how it would play out. For three days in a row, Chelsea had managed to live out normal days, no napping, no sullen moods. He wondered about today, though. Gail had taken the day off and was currently with Sara Beth at Chelsea’s house. She had called him an hour before to see if he had heard from Chelsea. He hadn’t. When he tried to call her cell, it went to voicemail each time, and after a while more, he had begun to worry. Deciding to head out and look for her, he got no farther than her parents’ place when he saw her car in the driveway. Since Gail was at Chelsea’s and Bob was gone with Bobby to an auction, Tuck suspected Chelsea intentionally asked Gail to come to her house so she could be alone there at her parents’. No need to wonder why.

Pulling alongside her car, when he got out he noticed her phone lying on the passenger seat. That answered that question. First he went to the front door, but when he got no answer, he moved around toward the side of the house. When he reached the back yard, he saw Chelsea lying out in the middle of the grass, so he ran quickly to her and knelt beside her. Relieved, he found she was only sleeping. Her face was red and puffy; obviously, she had cried herself to sleep.

Gently, he slid his arms beneath her and lifted her, carrying her around front. She woke but didn’t say anything at first, not until they reached his truck.

As he juggled the weight of her while trying to open the truck door at the same time, she said, “He didn’t want to stay.”

Tuck sat her on the seat and stood for a moment looking at her. Finally, he said, “I don’t know why he did what he did, but I know this, he wanted to stay.”

If he saw anything in John’s eyes that day, it was that; he wanted to stay.

He drove in silence, hurt, wondering how much more he could take. Some days, he had all the fight and energy of a thousand men as he waited for her. Other days, like this, he felt weak and wounded. On more than one occasion, Tuck was reminded of his own words. When he had gone to L.A., he assured John that he was willing to wait out the grieving process. It sure seemed like an easier prospect in theory than it was in practice. In reality it was torturous, watching her grieve the man she loved while he grieved and longed for her. Many, if not most days he did well, but when these days came, usually dictated by her moods, waiting was the hardest thing in the world to do. Deep down, though, he still believed she was worth it.

Hours later, Tuck sat in the living room of Chelsea’s house alone. Everyone was in bed, including Chelsea. She had been in bed since he brought her home that afternoon. He had made dinner for the girls and gone through the usual nighttime routine, all the while wondering how Chelsea was doing. Though he considered checking in on her, he couldn’t bring himself to. At dinnertime, he sent Lucy to see if she was hungry. He couldn’t stand the thought of looking at her sad face and seeing how much she missed John. A truck ride home was quite enough for the day.

“I thought you had gone home.”

Chelsea had been standing in the doorway watching Tuck for some time. He was bent, sitting with his elbows on his knees, maybe praying.

“I’m about to head out.”

She moved to sit beside him. “I’m glad you’re still here. I wanted to thank you and say how sorry I am.”

“For what and for what?” He moved her hair from her face.

“For all you do and for how you’ve had to pick up the pieces.”

He smiled weakly, hardly feeling like smiling but wanting to reassure her. “No thanks necessary. I’m glad I can be here for you.”

“Whatever this is,” she waved her hand between them and then toward the stairs indicating she meant the girls too, “I’m so thankful for it. I’m thankful you’re putting up with me.”

“You’ve gotta know by now, I’ll always be here.”

Leaning her head over to rest it on his shoulder, she whispered, “I know by now.”

April 19th was the last day Chelsea fell apart. Since then, she found herself becoming stronger and stronger with each passing day. Tuck was no longer needed to come and prepare breakfast for the girls, but he did anyway. The first morning he didn’t, Sara Beth called him crying, asking why he didn’t come. She was so upset and crying so hard that she could hardly catch her breath. It wasn’t long before Tuck showed up and agreed to make her pancakes even though those were normally reserved for Saturday morning. From that day forward, he was there every morning except Sundays. He didn’t come on Sundays because they all met at the donut shop just down from the church. It was the highlight of both girls’ week.