Before You Leave: A Romance Novel (3 page)

“Julia, let’s take it a day at a time. I have an idea.” I look up at Abigail through the dark lens. I know she is unable to see if I am looking directly but it doesn’t bother me.

“For now, shall we just pretend Ryan is on a business trip away? He always wanted you to stay with Sarah when he was. And then you can go back to your life after this, however you want to live it, but while we are here, we want to have a good time, this is our holiday too. Can you at least try for Sarah?”

But he isn’t on a business trip and he won’t be there when I go home. I want to shout at them both. Our home has him still in there though and that is what I am missing. His presence is like a ghost throughout, filtering through every room. Every morning I dab his aftershave onto my neck, in the places he used to kiss before we parted for the day. That is what I want to go back too. Being surrounded by him.

I lie like I have been doing lately to give what people want to hear, and nod to let them know that I can do this for the next few days. I will try my best to act like Ryan is on a business trip and we have headed to the sun to top up our tans. Both girls have a look of relief as I plaster on a fake smile.

“Well come on then, let’s get ready for the pool. Don’t know about you two but I am sweating buckets from this heat.”

Sarah scrambles towards the back of the apartment and Abigail turns left into what I can guess is another room. As the last one in, I’m not too sure if there is even another room for me. When Sarah and I went away before, we would take turns in the one bedroom with the other on the sofa bed. I am guessing that is where I am to be. I pull my suitcase closer to me as I sit down on the edge of the dark blue three-seater sofa. I lay it down on the floor in from of my shoed feet and lean over it. My fingers start to tremble as I catch the zip. In my mind I know what is inside is not what was packed nearly a year ago, but my heart that is pumping through my chest, doesn’t believe me. If I am to play the game, I have to go and sit by the pool with the other two.

Holding onto the zip I rub it between my sweaty fingers. I count to three before swiping the teeth open with a force and throw back the lid, the entire time keeping my eyes firmly shut and my breath held. I don’t want to look what is inside and the odour from where it has been stuck in my wardrobe in the dark, reaches my nostrils. My stomach starts to tell me that it doesn’t like what it can smell. Musty, mixed with the scent of home, of Ryan. A distant very faint Ryan, but him never the less. Gradually I start to open my eyes before the Sarah comes and catches me breaking rule number one or all of them set out for me this week. Thankfully neither of them seem to be quick dressers and probably have packed more than one swimsuit to choose from giving me the space I need.

The case is full with clothes that I haven’t needed to wear for a long time and probably ones I wouldn’t have packed myself if I were able, preferring to keep my body covered. Cautiously I use my finger to push them around and search for the item I know Sarah would have packed in first. Under a flowery flimsy dress is the pale blue bikini I wore the last time we both ventured away. As I pull it from underneath the other stuffed in clothes, some a complete waste of suitcase space, it now looks like it is mocking me. Daring me to put it on and go and have fun.

As my eyes start to well up, I hear the handle of one of the doors being opened. With the back of my hand I wipe away the moisture that is now trying to leak from the corner of my eye and start striping out of my oversized top and skirt that Sarah had handed to me earlier. Kicking off my white pumps I manage to pull on the bikini bottoms as Abigail enters the room.

“Well what do you think? My diet seems to have gone askew but feck it. I love my curves too much and look at these babies.” Pushing together her well amble breasts and jingling them up and down, Abigail pouts her lips.

“You look gorgeous. I love the ruby colour of your two-piece. Is it new?” I ask as I tie the back of my stringed top together, hooking the halter neck over my head.

“No I wore it last time I…..” Abigail stops midsentence and we both pause as we look at each other.

“It’s ok Abigail if you went on holiday last year. I only wished I did too.”

“No, no I didn’t go away last year. Just something I picked up in the sales. Shall we head to the pool before Sarah arrives with the full set up on, she could be ages yet?”

Holding the side of the bikini bottoms to stop them for gapping I can hear the gasp from Abigail and I know why but don’t look her way.

“Julia, I’ll just grab a safety pin out of my bag. I always keep some in there for emergencies.”

When she returns she holds the side of the fabric and pinches it together to tighten the waistband. Threading the sharp edge through one end to the other and fastening it. Once she has finished, I let go and thankfully the pin has worked. Abigail grabs a bottle of sun cream from a bag on the counter and as she leads; we head out of the sliding door.

Even with the midday sun already passed, the air is still hot and as we reach the pool where others have already taken their places on the sun loungers. By look of them, have been there for some time. I can’t recall seeing them when we arrived but from the way they are lounging they must have been here a while. I just didn’t notice.

Abigail walks over to the pile of unused loungers and takes one, placing it around the blue clear water. I follow suit and place mine at arm’s length from hers to her left. Each seat already has a cushion on, stopping the burn of the plastic touching our pale bodies. I straddle mine and reach over to Abigail for the sun cream. Giving it a good shake before squeezing a blob onto the palm of my hand and start rubbing it in.

Abigail lies down and places the sunglasses that she had perched on her head, over her eyes.

“You know you should have put that on 20 minutes before heading into the sun?”

That voice sounded a little familiar but looking at the other people laid out here, I can’t see who spoke. I turn to the way we came but no one is there. Maybe it’s my mind playing tricks on me. The heat and lack of food can do that. Squeezing another blob, this time in my left palm, I continue covering my body with the white creamy substance.

“Seriously, didn’t your mother teach you anything about applying sun cream?”

This time I crank my head to the place the voice seems to be coming from at first. Up above the apartments, leaning over a balcony I can just about see a figure. The sun blocking out any decent view.

“Sorry, are you talking to me?” I attempt to answer, although my speech not being very strong.

“I am. Hold on I’ll come down.”

“No. no don’t its fine and all the chairs are taken.” I lie but I really didn’t want to be making conversation with anyone right now.

“Who you talking too, Julia?” Abigail asks from behind her glasses.

“Just some random do-gooder. No one interesting.” I answer with the hope she doesn’t join in and invite the intruder down.

“Oh right. In that case, I’m going for a snooze, it’s been a crazy morning. Wake me so I can turn.”

“Abigail, what about creaming yourself?”

“It’s grand, I did that this morning with one of those all day protection creams.”

“Oh ok, I’ll give you a shout soon.”

I replace the cap on the bottle and put it under my chair to try and keep it cool. Throwing my legs up on the recliner I adjust the shades I borrowed from Sarah comfortably over my eyes. Not giving the
words of wisdom
intruder another thought I start to drift off from a mix of exhaustion and the travelling. 

It was the sound of footsteps on the tiled floor that startled me. I couldn’t understand where they were coming from. That feeling of thinking you are at home is whipped away from me in a second and replaced with a dread. When Sarah starts to moan about having to get her own lounger, I remember where I am.

“Come and help me Jules. I really don’t want to break a nail on my first day.”

Sighing, I get up from my lounger to help Sarah, plonking it down next to mine.

“Sarah, why are you wearing heels by the pool?” I ask still a little out of sorts.

“My darling, I am in a very expensive bikini, therefore I should not wear flip flops.”

“They aren’t very holiday friendly, and what’s wrong with a bikini from Dunnes. They fit just as well.”

“Look at my breasts though, this gives me cleavage I’ve never had that before without gels, padding or tissues.” Sarah gloats, pointing to her chest as she speaks.

“They do look rather perky.” I tell her hoping to satisfy her reason for spending big. Without any need for prompting, Sarah explains, “I only went to Brown Thomas and the wonderful women picked this one out for me. Just don’t tell Justin. I had to cut out the labels and put it in an old Debenhams bag so he didn’t know.”

“Tell her Sarah how much that ridicules priced swimwear cost?” Abigail calls out from her lounger.

“Who woke you up?” Sarah asks looking pass me to where Abigail is laying.

“Your whining voice. I would have told her to get her own sun lounger Julia. Break a nail! You only need glue to stick it back on.”

“Feck off you. Jules and I are having a conversation without you butting in.” Sarah jests to her.

“Haha, But you know I am right.”

“I do, now shut up.”

“Yes Boss.”

I know their banter is just for fun, the two of them have been friends since they met at University and I was in another town.

“Anyway, where was I?” Sarah asks, turning her attention back to me.

“You were at the point on telling me the price.” I answer, not really wanting to know and would much prefer to sleep away the day on the lounger, blocking out everything around me.

“Oh god, Justin will so have a hissy fit if he knew. Never again will I pay for something with a month’s wages.”

“Are you serious? Just for a bikini?” I gasp, not quite believing anyone would pay that much for a piece of material.

“I know, but I did get these shoes and the sunnies I leant you too.”

“Sarah, you work hard, you deserve a treat every now and then.” I tell her and it’s true. She does work hard since she set up her own business in the catering trade.

“Why thank you. I am glad you agree. Like I say lately, you only live once.”

It took all of five seconds for Sarah to realise what she had just said and throws her hands over her mouth.

“Oh god, Julia, I didn’t mean it.” She mumbles barely audio between her fingers.

“I think we need to make a new rule,” I say, getting tired of the conversation by the minute, “not to apologise to me while we are here. Like you said, Ryan is on a business trip and we are having a man free girlie break.” Even as I am saying it, I don’t believe it but I know it is what they want to hear.

Nodding her head, Sarah sits down on her lounger and starts to unbuckle her unpractical open toed sandals, carefully placing them under her chair before taking the same position as Abigail. They both look content and relaxed on their loungers, and I feel a pang of jealously towards them both.

“I can’t believe I have strap marks already, look at them.” Abigail shows Sarah and me the white line from her shoulder straps for the past ten minutes since we retreated back into the apartment once the sound of my stomach rumbling started to get louder. I don’t know why it was making such a noise, it is used to no food filling it and I can only presume it’s due to the whiskey I had earlier rattling around looking for soakage with the tablets.

Sarah stands in the small kitchen and cuts the fresh loaf and butters the side. When we arrived I didn’t notice the welcoming pack on the counter and items in the fridge to kick start our week. My stomach grumbles again as she reaches into the small fridge and retrieves the pre-packed cheese slices and tomatoes. With a sharp knife she slices the deep red plum tomatoes and lays the slices on the bread. I stand and watch from the other side of the kitchen, leaning on the counter divider between the rooms. Abigail faces the mirror on the wall and continues with her gloating about her new tan although I don’t see much difference from where I am. A slice of white cheddar is then placed on top of the tomatoes and my mouth starts to water before the taste has even reached me. It has been a long time since I have wanted to eat and right now I could eat all three that she is making.

“Would you like a glass of water or wine to go with your sandwich Jules?” Sarah asks as she hands over the plated sandwich with its thick crusty fresh bread.

“Water would be just fine, but I’ll get it. You carry on there.”

I enter the kitchen and go behind Sarah to take a glass from the overhead cupboard. From the fridge I fill it full with the cold bottled water. Taking my sandwich I head outside to watch the fading sun, thanking Sarah as I leave. The patio table is surrounded with four chairs, the standard plastic robust kind and thankfully the umbrella has shielded the chair I sit on from the heat. Leaving my plate on the glass table I take a long swig of the water. The cold lining my throat and quenching the thirst and it tastes delightful. My tall glass is half empty when I place it back down. Resting my back on the chair I can just about view one side of the pool where we were laying earlier. The calm water is disturbed as it sloshes up the sides from a ripple of motion. Someone must be in it, taking the pleasure of being left to use it for themselves. The complex is only a small one and voices can be heard in the overhead apartments, but none too loud to be disturbing, more like an echo from the stillness. This place is so different to where Sarah and I used to stay only a few years ago. By now we would be napping before getting all dressed up for a night out on the town, having a good laugh and crawling back to our beds at some crazy time in the morning. Here there isn’t even a pool bar on to the premises and everyone around the pool earlier looked like they were from an older generation enjoying a quieter place, more sensible. And I am glad for that, I would only have to keep saying no to the night-time excursions anyway.

I start pulling away at the corner of the sandwich. The tomato slides out and lands on the plate. It looks so fresh, so delicious and juicy that I pick it up and pop it straight into my mouth, savouring the taste as I chew. 

“I can smell the sea from here, hope it’s not far. Can you?” Sarah pulls out the chair opposite and placing her plate on the table while doing so. Stretching her arms above her head, her kaftan that she is wearing, fans out showing her expensive bikini. “Ooh who’s that in the pool?” She asks while leaning back in her chair to see.

“No idea, I can’t get a good view from here.” Getting up from my chair and pushing it back, the legs scrap along the tiles making an awful noise that jitters my teeth.

“God woman, don’t scare whoever it is off, I am trying to look without them knowing.”

“Sorry,” I apologise as I crank my neck up over the wooden panelling between apartments that try to shield privacy. But I see nothing. The water looks still and shimmering as the last of the sun hits its reflection. “I guess I did scare the person off.”

“I’m not surprised, probably thought it was thunder with that noise echoing in the quiet. How’s your sandwich, did I make it perfect or what?” She asks, changing the subject.

We both sit down and I lift the chair this time to pull myself closer to the table, reaching for another piece of tomato.

“You know a sandwich is meant to be eaten between two slices of bread. At least eat the cheese too.”

“I will eat it all Sarah. I am just savouring the sweet taste of the juicy tomato. Honestly.” I add quickly seeing how Sarah’s lips start pursing together before she comments.

“Ok, but remember while you are here it is my job to feed you and your job to eat, right?”

“It’s not that I don’t want to eat; I just got out of the habit of cooking so I didn’t bother.” I tell her but leaving out that I much preferred to spend most my day under the blankets.

Sarah watches me from under her yet again fallen fringe as I pick up the bread between my fingers and bite down into the cheese. My taste buds think they are under attack while I chew and as I swallow my stomach seems to rejoice. I take another bite pleasing Sarah as I do so.

“So tell me,” Sarah mumbles while she takes another mouthful of her sandwich, “what do you want to do tomorrow? Shall we go and find how close we are to the sea?”

“Sounds like a good idea, I’ll just tag along with your plans. I really don’t mind. I am the guest after all.”

“You are much more than a guest, Julia. Even though I didn’t tell you that we booked it in advance, I was determined to bring you. So what do you think of the place so far, did Abi pick well?”

“It’s quiet, I appreciate that.”

“Thought you might like it and Abi said she needed a quiet place too. I guess she needs the break just as much. It was time to kick off our dancing shoes and have a relaxing holiday anyway.”

“Listen, Sarah. I really am grateful that I am here with you both. Just give me a couple of days to adjust, that’s all.” I lie. What I really want is to close my eyes right now and click my heels together, taking me away from here. But I have to remember it is their holiday too. “Where is Abigail anyway? Is she coming out to join us?” I ask surprised she hasn’t followed Sarah out.

“No she said she was tired and went to bed, something about the heat and laying by the pool that exhausted her. I’m sure by the morning she will be grand.”

“Oh ok, I think I will head that way too soon. Am I on the couch tonight?”

“Yeah, hope you don’t mind, unless you want to share my room but I know you hate snorers. It’s a pull out sofa bed so should be comfy.”

“It will be perfect, thank you again Sarah.”

“No worries, and Jules.”

“Yeah?” Leaning across the table, Sarah takes my hand into hers.

“You will come through this, you know that don’t you?”

I hold my breath before exhaling it slowly, trying to think of an answer that will sound genuine. “I know Sarah, it will take time and I will get there. I am coping with it better now.”

“Are you? It’s been seven months and you’ve been fading away. It’s like you’re waiting to die too and I don’t like it.”

She squeezes my hand a little tighter, a small comforting gesture similar to the man at the airport, not wanting to let it go. She is right but I can’t tell her that. He was, IS my everything. He made me smile just by being in my thoughts. I can’t just forget him. I want him.

“I’m here if you want to talk and so is Abi. And while you’re here I want you, no I demand that you get some colour on that skin and some meat on your bones. We aren’t best friends for nothing.” Sarah lets go of my hand before continuing, “Right eat up so we can be old and boring and go to bed early,” leaving out a reassuring laugh that only Sarah can do and I love her for it. 

We both sit in silence with just our chewing for company and the drifting chatter from other apartments. In another world this would be a lovely place, romantic even. But not right now. Now it feels like a cage around me, trapping me away from Ryan, away from the comfort of him and our life. Placing my hand over my mouth I yawn, tiredness is gaining fast on me and the urge to just sleep is overwhelming.

“I think I’ll make my bed. It’s been a long and strange day.”

“Leave your plate in the sink, I’ll wash up in the morning. Do you want help with getting your bed ready?”

“No you’re fine. I’m sure it’s just a case of pull the leaver.”

“Ok, if you’re sure. I might head to my room and read for a while. I picked up a really good book at the airport and I’m dying to start it.”

Gathering our empty plates we make our way back inside through the sliding door and leave the items in the sink. Sarah turns and pulls me into a hug before heading to her room. “Goodnight Jules, try and sleep well.”

“I will, night Sarah.”

*****

Once the cushions are thrown off the sofa and piled up beside the wall, it’s easy to pull the handle for the mechanism to work and flatten out the double bed. Inside a cupboard that has the flat screen TV sitting on, I find a set of sheets, a light blanket and a squashed pillow. It only takes me two minutes to have it dressed and another ten before I can move from the standing position. This is the first time I have slept in another bed since the accident. Already I can feel the panic rising and then it hits me. My shirt, his shirt. Was it packed? I can’t remember Sarah taking it from where I left it to put in the case and I didn’t see it earlier when I got out the bikini. Retrieving my case I lay it on top of the bed, opening it again, this time with assurance that none of what’s in here is what he packed for me.

Frantically I throw out the clothes onto the bed as I search for it. His shirt. The one I have worn since the day he never returned home. I can’t find it. It wasn’t packed. Oh god, I can’t stay here unless I have it. I have to have something that belonged to him touching my skin. It must be here, Sarah wouldn’t have left without it. Would she know that I have to have it? How would she have known how much it meant to me? I haven’t seen her for a while until today? I just can’t believe it. Shit I have to go home. I have to book a flight right now and leave. I never should have come. They don’t really know me. Ryan would have known not to bring me to a place in the sun where I am going to have to face the fucking sun every fucking day. They call themselves fucking friends. No fucking way.

I search looking for my phone in the front of the case, hoping that is where Sarah would have had the sense to put it. I can book a new ticket out of here on the airline app I reason with myself. Reaching my hand in the small space I can feel something soft, something familiar.

Delicately I pull out the material and can already see the pale blue rising out of the faded light. My heart beats at a tremendous speed as I continue tugging. Out across the case and now on to the bed is Ryan’s t-shirt.  Holding it up to my face I inhale deeply. He is still faintly there; his aftershave I sprayed on lingers with an unwashed odour that is now a comfort to me. Taking off my bikini and pulling on Ryan is pure bliss. Instantly I calm now he is with me and taking the toothbrush that was caught in it, I head to bathroom to brush my teeth.

*****

The early hours shouldn’t be any different to me than the day really. I miss him terribly twenty-four hours, seven days a week. In this strange place, without my comforts surrounding me, it feels very surreal, I’m unable to feel his presence. The hot sweat pouring down my back startles me and I sit up right from my broken sleep. Pulling up my knees I cradle my legs and hold on tight as the wash of dread over takes my body. I need air; I just can’t be in here anymore. The suffocation of not being home is so over powering. I should never have let them drag me here. Oh god why didn’t I just keep the damn door locked, Sarah would have gone away eventually. The tears dampen my knees and I know I have to leave. Detangling myself from the sheet, I nearly fall as I leap from the bed to the patio door. Keeping quiet I turn the key and smoothly open the door letting in a slight breeze. In my bare feet I walk on the cooled tiles to make my escape. Closing the door behind me.

The small complex is lit with wall lights placed around the building giving me enough light to manoeuvre without walking into any furniture left out from the day. The air conditioning hums through the different units as I pass the closed doors. The guests that are in them are probably content and resting after a busy day or night, ready to start the next day of their holiday. It isn’t until I tiptoe nearer the pool that I can see the moon reflecting off the surface and it just looks so inviting, tranquil. I am transfixed by the stillness of the water and sit down on the edge. My bare thighs absorb the cold from the tiles as I dangle my feet in the pool. The chilly water makes my body shiver as I sit with Ryan’s t-shirt on. I watch the ripples form as I move my feet, the water swirls, splashing lightly up the side but not enough to flow out. I don’t know how long I’m here for but I am memorised at the waves the water is making. Is this what Sarah and I thought we saw earlier when we were eating, someone just enjoying the water like me? How many people have swam in here I wonder, and how many of them dropped their tears in it like me? Did any of them feel dead inside as much as I do right now? No longer can I feel my toes and the backs of my thighs on the tiles have gone numb from the cool surface.