Before Hadley (19 page)

The doorknob behind my back rattled and the door pushed slightly, my weight stopping it. “Hadley? Is that you?” Lorelei asked.

I pushed myself to my feet, moving away from the door so my roommate could step inside. “Sorry.”

She eyed me curiously from under her thick black bangs. “You okay?”

I shrugged.

She dropped her handbag onto her desk in the opposite corner of the room. “Did the hockey star break your heart?”

I shook my head. “No. But my past showed up shocking the hell out of me.”

“An ex?”

I shrugged, not in the mood to share the sordid details. “Kind of.”

She pulled open her drawers and grabbed her pajamas. “Well if you need me, I’m here. If not, I’m gonna go take a shower.”

I shook my head, appreciating her offer. “I’ll be fine.”

She smiled before taking off for the shower we shared with the suite next door. Lorelei had been a great roommate since we were paired up freshman year. The good thing was we had our own friends. We weren’t constantly together which made living together easier. We also didn’t confide in each other the way girlfriends did. That’s why our conversation about Cay—Conner had been so vague. I’d never unloaded that drama on her.  

I grabbed my own pajamas from my dresser and threw them on, nestling into my warm bed. Once darkness and silence surrounded me, I was left with nothing but my thoughts—the events of the night were front and center. Tears glazed my eyes. There was nothing stopping me at that point. Not my pride. Not my resolve to remain strong. Not my surprise or anger. I let it all go. Tears slipped down my cheeks and onto my pillow as I cried myself to sleep.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Hadley

I woke the next morning to unrelenting birds chirping outside my window like their lives were so fan-freaking-tastic. Mine currently sucked. I’d barely slept after my unexpected visitor, and Lorelei hadn’t stopped snoring all night. The sunlight shot daggers at my eyes as I struggled to open them. Twenty-four hours remained before my philosophy test, so I needed to get my head screwed back on straight and recapture my focus.

Being Sunday, I knew the café down the block would be empty, so I threw on some sweats and a worn band T-shirt. I grabbed my phone and debit card and dashed into the hallway, needing to grab a latte before hitting the books. I’d barely stepped outside when I lost my footing, nearly tripping over the person unexpectedly seated on the front steps. I squealed as my hands shot out, trying to stop myself from taking the steps face-first.

Two strong hands gripped my arms, stopping me from going down. My head whipped up. As if electrocuted, I jumped back, freeing myself from Conner’s grasp. “What the hell are you doing here?”

He stood there, brushing pebbles off the back of his basketball shorts. On even ground, he was taller than he’d been. I needed to look up even more to see his eyes. He also looked like someone who lifted weights. I guess that’s what criminals did with all their time.

“I’m serious. Have you been out here all night?”

He shook his head.

“Then what are you doing here now?” I glanced at my phone. It wasn’t even seven.

“I wanted to see you.”

My eyes jumped around. If he did in fact attempt to hurt me, there was no one around. “You need to stop showing up. This isn’t normal behavior.”

“Says who?”

“Says the person you’re scaring.”

The shock in his eyes stretched them wide. “Scaring?” He stepped back. “Why would you be scared of me?
Me
, Hadley. It’s just
me
.”

My hands balled into fists at my side, my nails digging into my palms. “And who are you?” I couldn’t stop my voice from rising with my anger. “Because I have no idea. I
never
knew.”

“Of course you knew me. You still know me.”

My head dropped back as I closed my eyes, searching for the strength I desperately needed to get through this conversation. When my eyes popped open, I decided if nothing else, I could fake it. “Tell me. What do I know? Because from where I’m standing, I
knew
a guy named Caynan from England who played baseball and wanted to go pro. Not a thief named Conner with a fake accent from somewhere in the United States.”

He stared at me with those same dark eyes, though they lacked the playful youthfulness they once had. Prison had hardened him. It had changed him. At least who I thought him to be. I could sense him acknowledging the fact that my argument held weight. That he was never who he claimed to be. That he had in fact deceived me to an unforgivable extent. That I never knew him. “I don’t really know,” Conner said.

I cocked my head. “You don’t know?” 

“I’ve played a part for so long. I honestly don’t know who I am anymore.” His somber tone turned hopeful. “But I want
you
to help me figure it out.”

I sucked in a sharp breath. Part of me wanted to feel sorry for him. For the lost look in his eyes. But the other part wanted to strangle him for having the nerve to ask me for
anything
after what he’d done to me. I shook my head. “That’s not something you can ask me to do. That’s something you’ve gotta figure out for yourself.”

“Being with you was the only time I ever felt the most like me,” he said. “At least the me I wanted to be.”

“I can’t be some safety net for you because I’m familiar. That doesn’t work for me. I need to be someone’s everything.”

I watched my words strike a chord behind his eyes.

Three years of solitude had apparently made him reflective. He didn’t immediately spout out a comeback. He thought through what he wanted to say. “Nebraska.”

My eyes narrowed. “What?”

“You said somewhere in the United States. I’m from Nebraska. At least that’s what my dad told me.”

A shaky breath parted my lips. Why did the revelation of more lies crush me even more?

“Say it, Hadley. Say whatever you need to say. I can take it.”

“It was all a lie. Every last detail was fabricated and I fell for it.” My arms spread wide. “Congratulations. You got me.”

“It wasn’t all a lie. I swear to you.”

“Hadley?” a voice called from behind me.

I whirled around.

Lorelei’s head poked out the front door, her hair a bed-headed mess. “Are you okay? I heard yelling.”

I shook my head. “I haven’t been okay in a long time.” Without turning back to him, I made my way toward the steps.

“Hadley, wait?” he implored. “Talk to me.”

I ignored his pleas and jogged up the front steps, hurrying through the door Lorelei held open for me. I didn’t get my latte. But then again, I’d lost my craving right along with my sanity.

Lorelei closed the front door, following me down the first floor hallway and into our room. “Want to tell me what that was about?”

“That was my past barreling right back into my life the same way he entered it.”

“I wish my past looked like that.”

I dropped down onto my bed and fell back, draping my arm over my eyes. “Don’t let the good looks fool you. I made that mistake once. It left me with nothing but a broken heart.”

Conner

I spent the hours following Hadley’s brush-off walking around campus, trying to get my thoughts in check. Maybe I’d been too rash to approach her the way I had. Maybe I’d said too much too soon. Maybe she was right. Maybe I needed to figure things out on my own. Maybe
she wasn’t my safety net. But I knew damn well she was my compass.

I approached the campus quad. Old cobblestone buildings surrounded it. Students sat on the freshly-cut lawn talking and eating. Some played Frisbee, some played football. It seemed like a great place to be—surrounded by people with the same interests and goals. All destined for a promising future. Not the criminals I’d spent the last three years of my life stuck with. Not the frauds all convinced they’d done nothing wrong.

That was the difference between us. I knew I’d done the crime. Maybe I hadn’t wanted to, but I’d done it nonetheless.

And I’d be a liar just like them if I said Hadley’s words didn’t sting. Not because they’d been said to hurt me, but because they’d been the truth. All she knew of me was a lie. I just wished she knew everything I said to her—everything we shared—was the truth. The God’s honest truth. But seeing her now, all grown up and strong, it was clear getting
this
Hadley to accept me, after the pain I caused her, wouldn’t be easy.

I spent too many days in prison wondering what my life would’ve been like had my father played catch with me instead of teaching me to case houses and crack safes. I think I always realized my life wasn’t normal. My father fucked up my childhood. But I was a man now. I couldn’t blame him forever. I’d taken responsibility for my actions, now I needed to make something of myself. That’s why I got my GED. It’s why I took college classes. I considered enrolling part-time at Hadley’s school, taking classes during the day and working at night. But I had no cash. I needed a job before I could enroll.

I glanced to the small garbage truck that pulled up to a trash can concealed by a decorative cover at the corner of the quad. Maybe I could get a job on campus. Maybe if I stuck close to Hadley, I’d keep my sanity. If that meant taking any job I could get, then I’d take any job I could get. I mean, come on. Collecting trash was better than folding other guys’ stained underwear liked I’d been doing.

I jogged over to the kid dumping trash into his truck. “Hey.”

He looked up from the can in his hands.

“Question for you.” I stopped a few feet away. “What do I need to do to get a job on campus?”

His eyes narrowed like he thought I was busting his chops.

“I’m serious. I’m in need of cash sooner rather than later.”

He searched my face, probably determining if my words were sincere or not. “What are you looking for?”

I shrugged. “Anything, man. I just need to make some cash.”

“Check out the student union.” He pointed to a modern building just past the quad. “They’ve got postings for on-campus and off-campus jobs. A lot of students are on work study, so they snag all the good ones first. As you can see, none of them wanted my gig.”

“Yeah. Kind of sucks to be you, huh?”

He laughed, pointing me in the right direction.

I headed for the student union, finding the board filled with job opportunities. I spent a good ten minutes scanning the postings ranging from dining servers and office help to security guards and construction workers for a new science facility. But what were the chances any of them would hire someone like me? Someone with a criminal record?

“Looking for something in particular?”

I turned to find a petite girl with blond pixie hair and a bright pink hair bow standing behind me. I towered over her but she met my eyes. “Not really.”

She smiled. “Yeah. Me neither. I’m just sick of being a tour guide for potential students and their families. If I hear another joke about the freshman fifteen, I’m gonna poke my eyes out with a fork.”

“Ouch. That bad?”

“You have no idea.” She stuck out her hand. “Vik.”

I shook her tiny hand, needing the contact more than I realized. It had been a long fucking time since someone touched me. I was hoping Hadley would be the first, but that was definitely a work in progress. “Conner.” It felt weird actually using my real name. The prison guards called us by our last names, so I still wasn’t used to it.

“Well, Conner. What do you say you and I scour this board until we’ve found ourselves the perfect jobs, and then we go grab some lunch?”

I patted my pockets, knowing I needed to be more careful with the insignificant amount of cash I’d earned on the inside.

“No worries. It’s on me,” Vik assured me, pulling out a dining card and waving it around. “My parents put more money on this thing than I could eat in a lifetime.”

“Thanks, but I—”

“
Tush
. It’s not every day I can take a hot guy to lunch.”

I liked her honesty. But that was the problem with chicks. They saw the outside and automatically thought they knew me. If they knew the truth about me—knew the truth about what I’d done—what would they see then? “Well, I’m not exactly enrolled here yet.”

“I kind of figured. I would’ve seen you around by now if you were.”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Hadley

“What’s wrong?” Jake stared at me as I mindlessly stirred my cold latte.

“Huh?” I said.

He lifted his chin at my filled cup. “I picked you up to give you a break from studying. But all you’ve done is stare at that coffee. You haven’t even taken a sip.”

I shook my head, trying to snap out of the daze I’d been in all day. Jake was right. I needed a break from studying, if, in fact, I’d been studying all day. Don’t get me wrong. The books were out. My mind was just elsewhere. It had been, since Cay—Conner showed up. “Sorry. I’ve just been a little distracted.”

“Ya think?” He said it with a smile, but I could see the frustration in his eyes.

“Why do you want to date me?”

His eyes flashed around the quiet café. “What?”

I don’t know where the question came from, but in that moment, when my head felt so screwed up, I just needed to know the answer. “Why me?”

He laughed. “Why
not
you?”

“Come on. I’m distracted. I’m always studying. I’m not like the girls who fall all over themselves to get near you.”

“If I wanted those girls, I’d be with those girls. I want you, Hadley. Whether you’re studying for weeks at a time or just being you’re cute self, I want you.”

Most girls would’ve loved hearing those words from such a great guy, but I needed more.

“But I feel like you barely know the real me.”

He reached across the table and took my hands in his. “I know everything I need to know.”

“What do I like to do in my free time?”

He stared back at me like I was crazy. Maybe I was.

“I’m serious.”

“Then that’s easy.” He grinned. “Watch your boyfriend play hockey.”

I shook my head.

He looked a little insulted, but tried again. “Watch chick flicks.”

I wrinkled my nose.

“Hang out with Cass.”

I exhaled. “I draw.”

His brows arched. “You do?”

“I used to.”

“Come on, Hadley, just because I don’t know something small like that, doesn’t mean anything.”

I averted my gaze, staring out the window. Darkness had descended. “Yeah, but you never ask about my past.”

“Why would I? I don’t care about your past. Besides, you get uncomfortable anytime I even come close to bringing it up. So I don’t.”

I nodded, knowing my life would’ve been so much easier if I’d never met Cay—Conner.
God dammit!
I wished he’d never come into my life. Never destroyed my concept of trust. Never messed up my head. Because as I sat across the table from a guy who didn’t care about my past, who only wanted to be part of my future, the only thing I could think about
was
my past.

* * *

“I think I’m having a mental breakdown.”

“You’re not having a breakdown,” Cass assured me, her face filling my laptop screen. “But does that mean you haven’t taken my advice?”

I scrubbed my hands over my face. “I don’t want to see him again. I’ve seen him twice and both times it’s made me…made me feel like this.”

“Maybe it’s just gonna take time.”

I lowered my hands and stared into the screen. “How much time? Because I already feel like I’m losing my mind.”

She shook her head. “That I can’t say. But in the meantime, just do what you always do.”

“What’s that?”

She held up her fists, fainting right then left like a boxer. “Roll with the punches.”

I scoffed. “Punching someone sounds like a great idea.”

“I thought the daughter of a cop knew better.
You
don’t do it. You have someone else do it for you.”

I grunted. “If it were only that easy.”

“But punching him in that pretty face would be so much more gratifying, wouldn’t it?”

I nodded, picturing said face and wondering where he was and what he’d been doing since I’d sent him away. Did he even have a home to return to?

“Have you told your parents yet?”

I shook my head. “My dad actually called today. He wanted to let me know Conner had been released.”

Cass laughed. “That was the perfect time to work it in the conversation.”

“Yeah, but I just don’t want him worrying. Besides, as soon as he finds out, I’ll have campus police parked outside my building twenty-four-seven.”

“Yeah, the rest of your building would love you for that.”

I scoffed. “Yeah.”

Conner

“I can’t crash here.”

“Why not?” Vik asked, sitting cross-legged on her bed in her dorm room.

I crossed my arms, leaning my ass against her desk. “Well, I’m not even a student here.”

“So?”

“You’re a chick,” I pointed out.

“Who’s into girls,” she countered.

I shook my head, her feistiness reminding me of the beautiful blonde who currently hated me.

“I’ve got this huge single and an air mattress in my closet,” she added.

“What do you get out of having me here?”

Her drawn-out blinks were deliberate. “Seriously? Have you looked in a mirror? I’m banking on you taking lots of showers and coming back in nothing but a towel. I may like girls, but it doesn’t mean I won’t enjoy ogling you.” 

I laughed to myself. “I appreciate it. I really do. But I told you where I’ve been the past three years. I’m not what you would call a good gamble.”

“Dude. I’ve got nothing of any value hanging around here. If you choose to pocket my panties, have at it.”

I smiled, appreciating how she could make a joke out of my past. I needed someone like Vik in my life. If the time I’d spent with her all day applying for jobs had been any indication, she was a great person to have in my corner. And I desperately needed that.

Hadley

I hurried into the student union before class the next day, searching for a quick breakfast. In an hour, my test would be a distant memory. And if I got to class early, I’d be able to get a little more studying in. Before I could reach for the blueberry muffin with the perfectly crusted top, my body froze, my eyes locking in place.

What the hell was he doing there? And who was the tiny blonde seated across from him?

I had difficulty pulling my eyes away from Conner. Even across the busy cafeteria, and with a shaved head I assumed prison required, his good looks were still very much present. Yet I could see how prison changed him. In the way his shoulders pulled back, broader, stronger, ready to turn on anyone who approached him. His stare was more intense, staying focused on the girl across from him, as if gauging her words carefully.

Then, as if sensing me watching him, his head lifted, his eyes zeroing in on mine. Even with the distance between us, I could still see the darkness of his irises piercing through me. I could still feel the pull. The static in the air that happened whenever we were in close proximity. But this time, for me, it was yanking me toward the door—away from him.

The tiny blonde twisted around, spotting me. Her lips asked, “Who’s that?”

Had he not told her the reason he was on campus?
Was
I even the reason he was on campus anymore? Or did he just plan to make his way through all the female coeds now that he realized the supply was plenty?

He jumped to his feet. Just as quickly, I turned and hurried out. I had a test I needed to focus on. A test I needed to pass in order to graduate at the end of the year. And I didn’t plan on letting anyone—especially someone who’d turned my life upside down—stand in the way of me achieving my goal.

My empty stomach growled, but I wasn’t going to stick around to hear more of Conner’s excuses. I made it across campus in record time and hurried down the third floor hallway to my classroom. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out finding a text.
Please stop running. I’m not.

What was I supposed to do with that? He couldn’t just reappear after everything he’d put me through. After every bit of pain he’d caused me. After everything he’d done. Yes, he knew where I lived. Yes, he clearly still had my phone number. But, no. He couldn’t have me. 

* * *

Jake’s lips moved from my neck to my ear, soft groans coming from him as he ravaged my skin. “God, Hadley. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you.” He’d stripped me down to my black bra and matching boy-shorts underwear, so his hands had free range, traveling up my bare sides as I squirmed beneath him on my bed.

I curved my neck, giving him better access. There was something sexy about being almost naked with him fully dressed, his clothes rubbing over my sensitized skin. I loved the way he made me feel when we were all alone. The special attention he paid to me. The special attention he paid to my body. I’d made him wait the past week, and he’d been patient. Tonight, though, he was being anything but patient. And for once, I got lost in the sensations. Lost in the idea of being so thoroughly wanted. Being so thoroughly worshipped.

Buzzing came from my nightstand. I shifted my gaze. My phone lit up with a text. Jake ignored it, pressing his erection into me, making sure there was nowhere else I’d rather be. No one else I’d rather be with. And in that moment there wasn’t. Jake knew what he wanted, and he was making damn sure he took it.

There was something satisfying about letting him have his way. Letting him distract me.

But to say I wasn’t curious who’d texted would’ve been a lie. Conner hadn’t texted since earlier. And of course I hadn’t replied. Why provoke him? Why give him reason to believe I’d forgiven him?

My phone buzzed again. Jake’s hands dug into my hips, his lips still moving over my skin. “Ignore it,” he murmured.

I nodded, grasping the back of his head and pulling his lips to mine. I lost myself in the feel of his lips, the motion of his tongue, and his very large erection fighting to break loose from his jeans. I reached down, stroking it over the denim. He groaned into my mouth. I loved that. Loved knowing the slightest brush of my hand could make him feel so good.

“I want you out of these,” he whispered against my lips.

A bout of déjà vu swept over me. Caynan and me by the night train.
Gahhhh
. I shook it off, wanting to be in the present. And presently I planned to have sex with a hockey god. And I was gonna enjoy it if it was the last thing I did.

My phone buzzed again. This time, Jake reached over and grabbed it, checking the screen. “I want to see you.” His brows raised as he read the text. “Please stop pushing me away.”

I grabbed for the phone which he held away from me. Since he had me pinned beneath him, there wasn’t anything I could do but plead my case. “It’s nothing.”

He continued reading. “I can’t stop thinking about you.” His eyes shifted to mine. “Anything you want to tell me?”

My head fell back on the pillow. “He’s making my life miserable.”

He tossed the phone back down, his eyes gentle as he lay down beside me, his hand brushing my cheek. “Who is? Talk to me.”

I shook my head. “It’s a long story.”

“Try me.”

I looked into his eyes. He was serious. He wanted to know. Whether for selfish reasons or because he truly cared about me, he really wanted to know. But I didn’t want to tell him. Scratch that. I didn’t want to revisit it. Didn’t want to feel the pain. The humiliation. The betrayal. “Can we not do this now?”

“Oh, I think it’s the only thing we’re doing now. I can’t believe I’m gonna admit this, but I kind of lost momentum when I saw some other guy texting my girl.”

“It’s not what you think.”

“Well that’s good, because what I’m thinking right now is I need to go find this asshole and show him whose territory he’s infringing on.”

I rested my palm on his chest. I could feel his heart slamming against it. “Relax. He’s an old mistake. He just showed back up and is having a difficult time understanding why I don’t want to see him.”

“Does he know about me?”

I nodded. “It isn’t stopping him. We left things very…unresolved. And he just needs closure.”

“Do you?”

“What?”

“Do
you
need closure?”

I thought about Cass’ words. I thought about my own reaction to seeing him again. Seeing him in my new reality. Why had he gone through the trouble of seeking me out? Why was it so important to have my forgiveness after all this time? Why couldn’t I get him off my mind? “I think I might.”

He dropped his head and nodded, like I hadn’t given him the response he’d hoped for.

“But not the kind you’re thinking,” I assured him, cupping his cheek with my palm. “I just think I need to let it all out. Everything I’ve been feeling these past three years. And then maybe, just maybe, I’ll be okay.”