Before Hadley (18 page)

I turned to the door and scanned my keycard. It was an old sensor, so you needed to move it around until it eventually unlocked the door.

“What kind of guy doesn’t walk his girl inside?” a deep voice asked.

Every part of my body froze. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end.

Holy. Shit.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Hadley

A shiver tore through my body at the sound of that voice. I didn’t dare move for fear of losing my balance. And my freaking mind.

“If you ask me,” he continued. “The guy doesn’t know how to kiss you the way

you deserve to be kissed.”

My heart pounded like a drum line solo as my eyes snapped shut. Was I hearing things? Had it been a twisted figment of my imagination? If it was him, where was his accent? I spun around, squinting into the darkness.

Caynan stepped out from behind one of the cherry trees lining the street with his hands buried deep in the pockets of his jeans.

My stomach plummeted as I stood speechless, my arms falling to my sides. My chest heaved at the sight of him as my breath pushed in and out through my nose like I’d just finished a marathon. The last time I’d seen him he was being led from my house in handcuffs. Now he stood in front of me with a light-colored shirt stretched across his broad chest. The thick stubble covering his chin made him look older. And the tightness around his eyes indicated a seriousness I’d rarely seen on his face.

My eyes shot around, fear suddenly grabbing hold of my body. Had he come alone? Had he tracked me down to hurt me?

He made an attempt to step closer.

“Stop right there.” My voice came out deep and self-assured, though the rest of my body was nowhere near. Who knew what he planned to do to me—the person who turned him in. The person who made sure he was arrested and sentenced to time in prison. The person who hated him more than anything in this world. 

His eyes flared. “Jesus, Hadley. I’m not going to hurt you. I’d never hurt you.”

Tears pricked my eyes. That’s
exactly
what he’d said in my parents’ study and
exactly
what he’d done to me.

The pain in his features indicated he’d read my thoughts. We’d always been good at reading each other. Or at least I thought we’d been. In the end I guess he’d been the only one doing the reading. Reading me so he could play me. Find a way into my life. Into my home. Into my parents’ safe.

He took another small step, perhaps wanting to console me. But he was the last person in the world I wanted to do that. Especially since he was the reason I needed consoling.

“I’m serious.” I cleared my throat, determined not to sound as tortured as I felt. “Not another step.” I grabbed my phone from my back pocket.

“Hadley wait…I just want to…I just need to talk to you.”

My face scrunched. Where the hell was his freaking accent?

“I just got released.”

“Today?”

He nodded.

“And you came to see
me
?”

“Yeah. Of course.” He sounded as though it had been arranged. As if we’d spoken over the past three years and decided we’d meet up when he was released.

I needed to be smart. Play this right or there was no way I was getting safely into my building. “I’m happy for you, Cayn—”

“Conner.”

My head recoiled. “What?”

“My name. It’s Conner.” He said it like I should’ve already known. “And I’m not British.”

A huge breath whooshed through my lips, compressing my chest as if an invisible weight pressed against it. I grabbed the banister at my side as a shrill sound rang in my ears. Was I about to hyperventilate? Pass out? It was the second time in three years that I’d felt that off-kilter. My world was spiraling and I was at the core. Again. “Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what?” His eyes riveted wildly between mine. Could he sense something was wrong?

My body trembled. It was as if all the anger, resentment, and humiliation I’d held inside for three long years had bubbled to the surface. “Making me feel more stupid than I already do.” I couldn’t hold back any longer. “Wasn’t it enough you wormed your way into my life and turned it upside down? What could you possibly want from me now?”

His eyes cast down, his head following. “You didn’t read my letters.” It wasn’t a question, more like the truth registering. “I mean, I know you never responded. But none of them were returned. I figured you had to have read them.” He glanced up, his dark eyes narrowed. “I can’t believe you didn’t.”

I said nothing, just stared back at him. At this guy I’d never known. Everything I thought I’d known about him, everything he’d told me, had been one big lie. He’d been right about one thing. I hadn’t read his letters. Not one. There was nothing he could’ve said that would’ve made up for the hurt he’d caused me.

“But I know you.” His voice was pained. “You’re so curious. I banked on you reading at least one.”

I shook my head.

He took two steps closer. “Then let me tell you what they said.”

I fought the urge to cover my ears like a spoiled child. “There’s nothing you can say that will make this better.”

He dragged his hands over his shaved head. “I know that! Don’t you think I fucking know that?”

My body jerked back.
Wait a freaking minute.
He did
not
have the right to get angry at
me
. If anyone had the right to be angry, it was me. I planted my feet and crossed my arms, like his rage unfazed me. He didn’t need to know I needed my arms to somehow protect me from him. “You need to leave.”

“Scared your boyfriend might come back?”

A growl erupted from deep within me. “Fuck you.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere.”

My eyes flared and my arm shot out, my index finger pointing fiercely at him. “
You
. You did this. Not me.”

“And I regretted it every second!”

I scoffed. “It didn’t stop you.”

His eyes splayed. “Didn’t stop me? Didn’t
stop
me? I could’ve run, Hadley. I could’ve kept running. But I stayed. I stayed for you.”

“Bullshit. Everything you did—everything you’ve done—you’ve done for
you
.” My last word echoed through the silent night as I stared across the space between us. His chest heaved just as harshly as mine. His eyes were just as wild. “Go away, Cay—” I winced at my mistake. “Whatever your name is. We’re done here.”

I turned on shaky legs and scanned my key card. Thankfully, it unlocked the door on the first try. I shoved open the door and stepped inside my building. Having said what I needed to say for the past three years, I slammed the door on my past once and for all.

Conner

I took off down the sidewalk toward the bus stop where I’d been dropped off, still reeling from seeing Hadley again after three long years. I didn’t expect for so many emotions to rush me at once. So many unresolved feelings. I also didn’t expect her to still hate me so much. But even with the venom she spewed at me, I could still see I affected her. If I didn’t, she wouldn’t have been so heated over my presence.

I couldn’t believe she hadn’t read my letters. I sent one every damn week since I’d been arrested. How could she not have read even one? But the cold glare in her eyes and her surprise at my name and missing accent confirmed she hadn’t. It sucked knowing all that time spent spilling my guts to her was for naught. She’d never received my apologies. She'd never heard the reasons for my betrayal. She'd never forgiven me.

She’d spent the last three years hating me.

I crossed the quiet street to the covered bus stop and dropped down onto the metal bench. I needed to find a place to crash until I had my own place secured. Luckily, my father had always been a step ahead, emptying most of our cash into off-shore accounts. I just needed to bide my time before I started sniffing around those accounts. I couldn’t end up back in prison—where my father was still rotting away in maximum security. I just couldn’t.

Three years had given me plenty of time to come to terms with a lot of things. His manipulation was not one of them. What Hadley had done...that was a different story. I’d accepted her decision to turn me in. I understood what that night meant for me. What it meant for
us
. She had to do it. Had she not, there was no telling where I would’ve been. I liked to believe that night would’ve been the end of that life for me. But in reality, maybe I would’ve been too scared to leave. Maybe I would’ve been unable to make it on my own. Maybe Hadley wouldn’t have followed me.

I wasn’t stupid. I knew what she and I shared was rare. We may have been young, but what we had was real. She was the first person I ever felt connected to. She was the first person I wanted to be around all day and night. She was the first person I wanted to confide in—to tell my darkest secrets to. I knew, even back then, I needed her in my life.

And now, I just needed her forgiveness.

There really wasn’t any other way I’d survive.

Hadley

Ohmigod. Ohmigod. Ohmigod.

My phone shook in my hand as I leaned against my door and slid down to the floor. My heart walloped in my chest as I pressed Cass’s name and lifted the phone shakily to my ear.

“Hey.”

“He showed up.” My voice came out a mere whisper.

“Who showed up?” I could hear her confusion.

“Caynan.”

She gasped. “What? Where? I thought he was in jail?”

I squeezed the bridge of my nose, trying to stop the incessant throbbing. “Yeah. Me, too.”

“Did he hurt you?”

I shook my head, though she obviously couldn’t see me. “No.”

“Did you call your dad?”

My dad
. God. He would’ve freaked if he knew he’d shown up. “Should I?”

“If you want him thrown back in prison, yes.”

He’d been in prison for three years. Sure I hated him for what he’d done to me, but did I want to be the reason he was sent back? And for what? Coming near me? It wasn’t like I had a restraining order. But was I sure he didn’t plan to hurt me?
And
could I keep something that big from my dad? Did I even want to?

“What’d he say?” Cass interrupted my inner struggle.

“He brought up the letters.”

“I told you to read them. I told you
I’d
read them.”

“I know. But apparently, he was under the impression I’d know he was coming. And that I’d forgiven him.”

“Well then he’s more bat-shit crazy than we ever thought.”

I scoffed, still unable to wrap my head around the fact that he’d reappeared in my life. After three long years. And for what? To apologize? Could I even believe that?

“How’d he look?” Cass asked.

I couldn’t shake the image of him standing in the darkness outside my door. It was practically engraved. Like a vivid dream. Or better yet, a nightmare. “Older…”

“Hardened?”

I shrugged to the empty room. “More serious. Tired. Sad maybe.”

“Je. Sus.”

I blew out a much-needed breath. “And his name’s Conner. He’s as American as you and me.”

“No shit?”

I had no response. I was still trying to process it all.

“I bet your dad knew. I bet if you’d let him breathe that name around you, you probably would’ve known everything. Including the fact that he was released.”

She was right. After that night, I wouldn’t let anyone talk about him in front of me. Not my parents, not Cass, not anyone from school. Not that they dared bring him up. Sure, there were whispers every time I entered a room, but no one said anything directly to me. I thought I’d handled it pretty well, but the whole thing sucked more than I let on. I’d fallen hard for him. I’d given him all of me. And to turn around and use me like I was nothing to him, how could I ever forgive him?

“Is he coming back?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

There was a long pause on her end. “Hadley?” I hated when she used that concerned tone on me. Like she was my mother and not my best friend.

“I’m here.”

“Do you think maybe you’d be able to move on if you had some closure? There has to be a reason why you haven’t been in love with anyone since him.”

“I’ve—”

“Let me finish. I know you blame him for your trust issues, and you have every reason to. But I think you not really moving on has more to do with the lack of closure between the two of you. There’s no denying he was your first love. That leaves a mark on someone, no matter how it ends.”

After hanging up with Cass, I sat for a long time considering what she’d said. Had he been my first love? Had I not moved on? I felt like I had. I dated guys. I’d been with Jake for six months. That had to mean something. But maybe Cass had been right. Maybe I did need closure. Maybe Cay—Conner’s deception had rendered me incapable of fully trusting anyone again. Maybe I did need to hear whatever it was he needed to say. Maybe that’s exactly what I’d needed for the last three years.