Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (38 page)

“We’ve never dated.
It wasn’t like that for us. And no, before you ask, Logan doesn’t
know anything about it.”

“Okay, A, for effort.
Really good try on not telling me the complete truth.” She claps
her hands. “Bravo, it really was a nice try.” She applauds me
again.

Why am I friends with
this chick again?

“Seriously, though,
what’s the real story?”

I know that I have to
tell her. She won’t let it go. Plus it might feel good getting this
secret off my chest. I play with my napkin. I need to be doing
something while we have this conversation. Things are about to get
heavy. Heavier than she’s expecting. I decide to just lay it all on
the table, no pretense.

“Jax had a terrible
childhood. Since I was nine, I would sneak him into my room at night.
Over the years, our friendship turned into something more. He was my
first kiss, my first love. The night before my sixteenth birthday, he
flew back to California from NYU and surprised me. I lost my
virginity under the stars to the man I loved that night.”

I shiver as I remember
him showering me with kisses to wake me up at midnight. It was the
best gift he ever gave me.

“Our entire
relationship was a secret. I couldn’t tell anyone that I’d spent
almost every night with Jax since we were children. He wouldn’t let
me share his secret. We hid everything from my family. During the day
he was just my best friend, but at night, in my room we were always
more.”

I grip my stomach as a
painful memory ripples through me. I can’t grasp it, I don’t want
to. Something in the back of mind warns me I’m not ready to
remember, not yet. I shake the memories away and share the rest of
our story to Harper.

“Something happened
to me six years ago, and no, I don’t want to talk about it. I lost
myself and Jax along the way. For the last six years, I’ve shut
down on everyone and everything.”

Wow, not dark at all.
It’s the truth, though, and I’m tired of hiding. It’s
exhausting pretending to be somebody you’re not, always painting a
smile on my face when all I want to do is scream.

“I did the basics.
Enough to get me through the day. I lived day-by-day. If you can
count what I’ve been doing living. I shut myself out from the world
and Jax for too long. I’ve always thought that I would end up with
him, but he doesn’t want to be in the picture. Now I’m trying to
find the person I used to be.” I shrug. “That’s my story.”

“That’s just a
chapter in your story, Addie. Your story isn’t finished yet.”

We clink glasses in a
toast. “To writing our stories.”

Harper links her arm
through mine as we leave the restaurant. I’m assaulted by the night
chill as soon as she pushes through the door. Luckily Harper was
smart enough to bring a jacket, me, not so much. I rub my hands up
and down my arms for warmth and watch as she summons a cab. As I step
closer to her for body warmth, I step in gum. Yuck. There’s a
trashcan not two feet away. She supports my arm as I attempt to wipe
the gum onto the grass.

“I can’t stop
thinking about what you said earlier,” she says while holding the
cab door open.

Please
don’t ask. Please don’t ask. I’m not ready. Soon . . . Just not
yet.

“I understand feeling
trapped, for wanting to find yourself. More than you know. I want you
to understand that whatever happened to you six years ago changed
you. You will never be the same person you once were. Remember that
while you find yourself, Addie. Don’t focus on trying to be the
girl you were, but be the woman you are now.”

She wraps me into a
tight hug. “I think that the woman you are now is inspiring. I
think you’ve already found yourself. You just need to see what
everyone else does.”

My throat tightens from
the sincerity of her words. All I can do is watch as she climbs into
the cab in front of mine. The entire trip back to my apartment, I
think about what she said to me.

At the end of the week
I meet Kohen for a movie night. We settle in our seats and he offers
me his bag of popcorn. My disgusted face must be answer enough
because he sets it in his lap again.

“I’m a kettle corn
person through and through,” I whisper, earning a chuckle from him.

I feel my phone vibrate
in my pocket, but I choose to ignore it. I’ve come to realize that
Kohen hates when I answer my phone on dates. I should have turned it
off like I usually do, but I forgot. My mind is still elsewhere.

I snatch my phone from my pocket to
do just that. The opening credits are rolling in, and I don’t want
to be the girl whose phone goes off during the movie. That girl
sucks. I have every intention of turning it off without looking at my
missed text but my thumb has other plans. Before I realize what I’m
doing, I’m staring at the unanswered text from Jax. I gulp down my
Pepsi as I read it.

Jax:
I miss you. Let me fix us, Ads. Come over.

My heart stops working
as I re-read the text. I’m so entrapped in it that I don’t even
feel Kohen’s breath on my neck as he reads over my shoulder. Before
what’s happening clicks into place, he rips my phone from my hands.
All I can do is gape wide-eyed at Kohen as he slides my phone into
his pocket. My mouth moves but no words emerge.

He stands and holds his
hand out for me.

“What about the
movie?” I ask stupidly.

After a quick scan of
the theater, he forcibly yanks me up by my hand. I glare at him as I
sit back down. I make a point to appear comfortable even though my
body hums in anger. How embarrassing! I can’t believe he’s acting
like this over a text. Granted the text wasn’t the best, but it’s
not like Jax confessed his undying love.

“Get up, Adalynn.”
Kohen commands quietly, but I don’t miss the threat in his tone.

I raise an eyebrow.
“You took me to the movies, so you can either sit down and enjoy it
with me, or you can leave without me.” I shrug. “Your choice.”

“Adalynn don—”

“Kohen it’s simple,
sit down and let’s enjoy the rest of our night. You’re making a
bigger deal out of this than there needs to be.” I tug on his
jeans. “Please don’t ruin our night because my
friend,
who I haven’t seen in a few months, said he misses me.
It’s not what you think.”

I’m surprised nobody
has yelled at him for blocking the screen. As if reading my mind,
Kohen glances around the darken theater again. He huffs loudly and
settles in a chair two seats away from me. Mature.

The movie starts before
I can demand my phone back. Wanting to change the night around, I
lean over to caress his hand with the tips of my fingers. He turns
his head to me and shoots me a glare before facing the screen. I roll
my eyes as I adjust myself in the chair.

If someone were to ask
me what the movie was about, I couldn’t tell them a single thing.
It could have been in a foreign language and I wouldn’t have known
any better. Because instead of enjoying the new comedy, I focused on
the fact that Kohen made no move to sit next to me. He acted as if I
wasn’t even there. He’s punishing me for something I have no
control over. It’s not like I can tell Jax, someone who’s been in
my life for sixteen years, that he can’t text me.

Silence fills the ride
home. He keeps me tucked under his arm in the backseat. Every time I
ask if wants to talk about it, he ignores me. When the cab pulls up
to our apartment building Kohen tosses cash onto the seat and jerks
me out of the taxi. Actually fucking tugs me out of it. This has to
be about more than Jax just texting me. Looks like I won’t have to
wait too long to get to the bottom of it. After dragging me through
the lobby and into the elevator, Kohen pushes me against the nearest
wall.

“Are you going to
tell me why you lied to me?”

“I didn’t . . .”
I trail off at the pressure of his fingers digging into my skin.

“DO. NOT. LIE. TO.
ME.”

With each word, he
squeezes me harder. I nod but don’t say anything. I don’t know
what to say.

“What’s really
going on with you and Jax?”

“Nothing!” I say,
glad that I can tell the truth.

He squeezes me tighter.
I force myself not to react. I’m used to pain. I’ve inflicted
pain on myself. This is nothing. I can handle this. I can handle
Kohen when he’s irrationally upset over nothing. Well, not nothing
since I’m the reason why he’s jealous in the first place.

“I’ve been hanging
out with you more and Jax has been busy with work. We keep missing
each other when I go to dinner with Logan and Connor. We’ve been
friends for sixteen years, he’s my brother’s best friend. He’s
always going to be in my life. The sooner you realize this, the
better for us. I will not put up with you acting like this.”

His dark blue stormy
eyes soften and I know he believes my lies. He blinks as if finally
realizing he has me pinned against the wall of the elevator. He
releases me and steps back.

“Adalynn, I’m so
sorry, baby. I . . . I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please believe me.”

He lightly runs his
fingers over my fresh bruises, then covers my cheeks with his hands.
“I could never hurt you, Adalynn. I love you.” He trails kisses
down my nose to my lips. “I love you so much, Adalynn. I’m so so
sorry, baby.”

The pain in his voice
hurts me more than the bruises. I know all about doing something you
wish you could take back, but you can’t. I know all about hurting
the people you love the most. I know all about wanting to change the
impossible. I feel his pain as if it’s my own.

I stroke my hands up
and down his strong chest. His muscles tense underneath my hands. I
stare up at his handsome face so he believes what I have to say.

“I know, I know you
didn’t mean it. You didn’t hurt me. You could never really hurt
me Kohen.”

I lean up on my
tiptoes, pull his head down with my hands and bring his lips to mine.
In this one kiss I convey that we are all right, that I don’t blame
him, and I’m not mad at him. We separate from each other when the
elevator opens on my floor.

“You have nothing to
be sorry for.”

He attention fixes on
my bruises. I need to make him feel better. If he leaves like this he
will only focus on the bruises, on hurting me. I don’t want that. I
want to invite him in, to stay the night, but I think it would be
best if we slept at our own places tonight. Not because I think I’m
afraid of him, but because I think he needs time to himself. Another
reason I don’t invite him in is because as much as I try to hide
it, whenever he’s in my apartment I feel like I’m betraying Jax.

I’m ridiculous, I
know.

I give him a long hug.
I know he needs this reassurance before he goes back to his place. I
force myself to relax into his embrace, something that’s harder to
do than normal.

He kisses the top of my
head. “I better go.”

I nod against his
chest. After another minute of being in each other’s arms, he
gently scoots away. Instead of kissing me in a way that will make my
toes curl, he barely brushes his lips against mine.

“I love you, Adalynn.
Never forget that.”

I remain silent. I
don’t feel the same. He retreats into the elevator without another
word.

A few minutes later, I
do my nightly routine. I avoid the mirror. I do not want to see the
bruises taking residence on my forearms. I can feel them. I don’t
want to make a big deal out of nothing. Before I crawl into bed, I
delete Jax’s text thread. I’m moving on with Kohen, I don’t
need my past with Jax interfering with my present. Suddenly feeling
as if all my energy has been stolen away, I’m pulled into a
dreamless sleep.

The next morning as I’m
dressing, I stand transfixed, staring at the bluish bruise of Kohen’s
fingerprints on my forearms. I lightly touch the bruise. It’s
tender, but not as bad as it looks. My relief is short-lived when I
realize that I’ll have to wear something to cover it up.

With heavy footsteps, I
sort through every blouse I have, which is a lot. After five minutes
of eyeing the dress I really want to wear today, I select my creme
pencil skirt and my Diane Von Furstenberg deep green long sleeve
blouse.

“This will have to
do.” I say a silent goodbye to the dress.

Spreading everything
out, I change into a La Perla matching bra and panty set that are
white with a gold lace trim. I’m feeling better about my outfit
choice already as I slid the bra into place. This see-through number
is one of my favorites.

At work, I’m busy
typing an email when I feel someone staring at me. Glancing up, I
spot Kohen walking towards my office with a exquisite bouquet of red
tulips. I ignore the curious glances coming our way, and meet him at
my glass door.

“What are these for?”
I breathe them in. “They’re lovely!”