Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (55 page)

“Because . . . she
keeps saying your name too,” Harper says quietly as if she doesn’t
want to admit this.

Her voice drowns out
again as I relive the last words I ever said to my dad in my head.

I was hurt that he
didn’t trust my judgment. He kept asking questions I couldn’t
answer. I promised . . . someone . . . it would be our secret . . .
nobody would know that it was . . . I groan as that thought floats
away, leaving me with more questions I don’t have the answers to.

I was mad that my Dad
was pushing me. Mad that my parents ambushed my last swim meet by
inviting Jax. I wanted to hurt my Dad. I wanted him to feel how I
felt. I said the most untruthful words I’ve ever spoken out loud.
Words that I can never take back. Those will forever be the last
words he’s ever heard from me. At least with my mom, I was able to
say sorry and tell her how much I loved her. I will never get that
chance with my dad.

Startling Harper, I
jump off the lounge chair and fall to the floor in front of the iron
railing. I rock back and forth. I would expect anyone to start
freaking out right about now, but nope, not my best friend. She sits
right down besides me, throws an arm around my shoulder and hugs me
while she helps sway me back and forth. She doesn’t say anything,
neither do I.

Harper’s arm drops
from my shoulder and she’s gone. I want to cry out to her. To tell
her I won’t always be this broken, that I need her, that I can’t
be alone right now. I even manage to open my mouth to beg her to
stay, but nothing comes out. I just continue to rock into the
railing.

“
Please
. . . Please . . . Help . . . Sister . . . Hurt,” I choke out to
the paramedic who is trying to put something over my mouth.

“
Shh.
I need you to stay calm for me. Okay? Let us do our job. We got her
now.” He says it reassuringly, I’m sure to help me relax.

I
don’t feel relaxed. I need to see her. Where is she? Why aren’t
they working on her? I’m fine. Just a few broken bones. I attempt
to tell him again that I’m fine, but nothing comes out. Panic
breaks through the surface and I struggle against them, desperate to
see Hadley. Where is she? The morning sun blinds me, making it
impossible to see without squinting.

Gathering
all the strength that I have left, I push the paramedic out of my
face, force myself to sit up and scream as loudly as I can, “Hads!
Help, Hadley!”

The
paramedic gently but firmly pushes me back down onto the gurney. I
don’t struggle against him anymore. I’m dying. My breaths are
coming slower; this time I don’t fight it. I couldn’t even if I
wanted to.

“
We’re
losing her!” someone shouts in the distance.

I’m
surprised he sounds so far away. The guy is hovering over me. Why
does he sound so far away? Everything starts to float away. I feel
lighter.

Before
my eyes close for the final time, I see her. They have my sister. She
has a mask over her face. A woman runs out of the ambulance with the
defibrillator. The man doing compressions doesn’t pause while the
pads are placed on her chest. Everything clicks into place. I gather
enough strength to keep my eyes open just a little longer. With
everything inside of me, which isn’t a lot, I stay awake. This may
be the last time I ever see her alive again. I won’t think of what
it’s going to be like to not have her in my life.

Time
stops.

One
. . . Two . . . Three . . . Four . . . Five . . .

Breathe.

I
need you!

“
We
have a pulse!” the woman announces.

As
the blackness takes over, I only have one thought.

She’s
alive.

The ground disappears
beneath me. I breathe in the scent that reminds me of home. It’s so
strong that it lures me out of my self-inflicted torture. Wrapping my
arms around his neck, I cuddle into his chest fully aware that I
should resist him but I can’t. Not tonight. Tonight I want to be in
his arms. Tomorrow I’ll be strong. Tonight I’ll be weak in Jax’s
strong arms. Jax’s lays me in my bed and starts to pull away.

“Stay,” I manage to
squeak out.

“I’m not going
anywhere, Ads. I’m just going to talk to Harper then get you in
some pjs. Then we will cuddle like old times. Okay?”

He kisses my nose and
waits for me to nod against his lips before walking away. At the door
he gives me a warm smile then disappears to talk to Harper. I wait
for a minute or two but when I don’t hear the front door opening
and closing, I get restless. My mind has finally cleared enough that
I am fully aware of what’s going on again. I don’t want to hide
away in my room. I need to face Harper so that she knows I’m not
mental.

I tiptoe around in the
hallway and pause as they speak in the living room. I’m spying. I
mold my body close to the wall so I can’t be seen while I listen.

“I knew something was
wrong immediately. She sounded like she was crying,” Harper informs
Jax.

“She doesn’t cry.”

“I know! That’s why
I came here without another word. I was prepared to see her bawling
her eyes out or something . . .” Her voice trails off.

“But that’s not
what you found?”

“She was here, but
wasn’t. She was just gone. She was outside when I came in. From a
distance I thought she was asleep, but when I got close I heard her
mumbling and saw that the light had left her eyes.”

Nobody says anything
for a while. I can hear Jax pacing back and forth. Even after
everything that has happened between us, I know he wants to be here
for me. He can’t help it even if he knows he shouldn’t. Just like
I should force him to leave, be strong enough without him, but I
can’t. Not tonight. Tonight I need Jaxon Chandler as much as I need
to breathe.

I also know that when
the sun breaks through my plum curtains, that it will be over. We
will go back to our separate lives, my heart broken all over again,
and this time I’m willingly allowing it to happen.

“Hadley’s her
sister right?” Harper asks quietly, as if she’s afraid to ask.

“Hadley was her
little sister.”

“I won’t ask
anymore questions. If Addie is ever ready to tell me, I’m here for
her. I’m not very forthcoming with information, either, so I
understand.”

My entire body relaxes.
I thought she would have pushed for answers and I’m glad that I was
wrong. She isn’t pissed at me for keeping something like this from
her. Which of course makes me wonder what she’s hiding. I know
she’s hiding something, but I won’t press. When she’s ready to
open up, I’ll be here for her. Just like she is for me.

“Thanks,” Jax says,
breaking the silence.

“For what?”

“Calling me.”

“Don’t make me
regret it. I already had Logan’s name on my screen, ready to press
the call.”

“What stopped you?”
Jax asks for both of us.

“You. She called out
your name. I was here for almost an hour before I called you. She was
either silent or saying Hadley. Then she said your name. After that,
I knew I had to call you.”

I would give anything
to see his face. I want to see if he’s freaking out or not. I move
away from the wall to go in there, but Harper’s voice stops me.

“I’m gonna go.
Something tells me that you can do more for her than I can.”

Not wanting to be
found, I slip back inside my room. Right before I shut my door, I
hear Harper threaten Jax.

“I don’t care that
you’ve been in her life forever, I will murder you,” Harper says
darkly. “If you make her worse than she is now, you will regret
ever breathing. I promise you.”

Whoa. She’s a badass.
If I was on the receiving end of that, I’m pretty sure I would have
pissed my pants. I’ve never heard her talk like that before. Each
word was laced with such promise that I have no doubt that she will
follow through.

Footsteps come down the
hallway so I’m forced to run across my room and jump on my bed. I
should pretend to be asleep. I don’t. I just wait. Straining to
listen, I hear the door shut and then heavy footsteps. I perch on the
end of my bed and hold my breath. I count to twelve in my head before
I hear Jax sigh loudly.
Don’t
leave. Please don’t leave me again.

Jax opens my door. He
doesn’t say anything and neither do I. Silently, I watch him walk
over to my dresser and pull out pjs.

“I’m gonna help you
into this.”

It’s the only one of
his shirts I kept. I couldn’t part with it, it’s the very first
shirt I stole from him. It’s faded, has a large hole on the hem,
but otherwise in decent condition.

“If you don’t want
me to, I’ll turn around, but I’m not leaving.”

All I hear is he isn’t
leaving. He’s going to stay. I try to give him a small smile to let
him know that I’m okay, but I fail.

“Hands up.”

Raising my hands, I
study his face. He doesn’t take his gaze off mine while he removes
my shirt. He slides his old shirt over my head, but before sliding it
all the way off, he reaches behind me and unclasps my bra. He slips
each strap off my shoulders and tugs my bra out of the sleeve, all
without taking his eyes off mine.

“Up.”

I stand and rest my
head on his hard chest, exhausted. He unbuttons my pants and slides
them past my butt.

“Sit,” he orders
quietly when he’s pushed them down as far as he can.

Jax finishes pulling
off my pants with practiced ease. Even though the pain from seeing
him is so painful that I have to rub my chest, I’m happy he’s
here. It’s as if I’m losing him all over again. Which is stupid.
He wasn’t even mine. Can’t lose something I’ve never had.

“. . . everything or
just the end?” Jax asks

“What?”

Jax regards me with a
small grin. He knows why I wasn’t paying attention. I love that he
isn’t treating me differently, like I’m made of glass. I love
that he’s still being the Jax that I know and love. Love. No. I
don’t
love him love him
.
I love him like a dear friend. Yeah, I can’t even swallow that down
without an eye roll. Hopefully if I say it enough times, I will start
to believe it. If only it was that simple.

“I asked if you heard
everything or just the end.”

I shrug in answer. I
have no idea how he knows that I was listening to him and Harper, but
then again it’s Jax.

“Thought so,” he
says as he gets up.

I can’t help the
panic that overtakes me. When he strides past my door and to the
bathroom, I’m finally able to breathe normally.
He’s
not leaving
.

Jax holds up my hair
brush like it’s a gold medal. His face falls when he sees my panic.
In a few long strides, Jax is bending down so that we’re on the
same level.

“I’m. Not.
Leaving,” he says slowly.

Resting my head against
his forehead I give him my first real smile tonight. It’s small but
it’s real. Just being in his presence comforts me. It reminds me of
our childhood, simpler times. After another minute or two that goes
by too quickly, I finally pull away from him. I have to remind myself
that he’s only here for the night. He isn’t staying. I only have
this one night with him before reality returns.

If I only have tonight
with Jax, I’m going to make the best of it. I’m going to say
good-bye to him for good. After tonight, I will move on. It will
hurt, most days will be worse than the day before, but I’ll
survive. The worst has already happened to me. I can handle losing
the man I love. I don’t want to, but I’ll move on to someone
else. It might be Kohen. It might not. I know whoever I fall in love
with, I will never be able to feel the same way I do about Jax. Jax
is my great love. My soul yearns for him.

“I don’t remember
hair brushes being part of our sleepover requirements when we were
younger,” I say over my shoulder when he starts to brush my hair.