Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (58 page)

I
refuse to smile, not until I’m sure that he knows I’m not going
to bend on this anymore. My hands shake as I prepare myself to ask
something from him that I know I shouldn’t. It’s risky, any night
his father could suddenly care enough to check if Jax is home, and if
he does, he’ll be at my house. I shudder as I think of Wyatt
finding out. I don’t care about my parents, I’ll be relieved if
that happens.

“
Every
night Jax. I don’t care, if you’re not here, I’ll tell my
parents. I won’t risk your life. I’d rather you run away.”

He
squeezes my hand. “I promise.”

I
kiss his shoulder blade, before getting to work. After pulling out
the fifth piece of glass I murmur, “Why did you wait until now to
have me take these out?”

“
I
think asking to go to your room so you can pull out glass might have
raised some questions from everyone. Don’t you think?”

“
Okay,
but you could have just snuck in here,” I point out.

“
Everybody
was already up. Besides I thought I could patch myself up for once.”
He grins. I don’t return it. “Once the adrenaline left, I knew
that I needed your help, but it was too late to ask.”

“
When
did you calm down?” I ask quietly, too afraid if I speak too loudly
he’ll stop talking.

“
When
I opened your fridge.”

“
How—”

“
I
saw you only had one more yogurt and I pictured your face watching me
eat the last one. So I grabbed it and waited for you to come down the
stairs.” He winks at me. “Ow!”

“
Whoops.”
I repeat him from this morning when he took the first bite of my last
yogurt.

“
I’m
in pain here.”

“
So
was my stomach all morning,” I complain, but pluck the last piece
of glass more gently.

“
You’ll
forgive me soon enough,” Jax says with a laugh then winces
immediately.

There
isn’t anything to forgive, but I’m not gonna tell him that.
Grabbing my phone, I look at the time. Connor will be here any second
and I told my brother that I was jumping into the shower. I know I’m
being paranoid, but I can’t help it. Logan finding out that Jax
stays the night is the least helpful thing that can happen. He won’t
be pleased.

Feeling
me tense behind him, Jax turns around. “What’s wrong?”

“
I
need to take a shower,” I say.

“
And?”

I
ignore him and inspect the cuts in his back. Luckily none of them
need stitches. I hate when Jax makes me stitch him up. I shudder,
remembering the first time two years ago. We had to be as sterile as
possible so he didn’t get an infection. When Jax passed out from
the pain, I snuck into his house and stole supplies from Wyatt’s
medical bag. I was so nervous that I kept shaking so it took longer
and hurt worse. Now I think I’m almost as good as the doctors and
that’s pretty good in my opinion since I’m only fifteen.

After
re-cleaning the wounds on his back and applying antibiotic ointment,
I put one small Band-Aid on the only cut that needs it. They’re not
as bad as I first imagined when I saw the tiny shards of glass
sticking out of his back. I can’t help but tremble thinking about
Jax going through the motions of high school with pieces of glass in
his back. This kid is something else.

“
I
don’t know,” I finally say.

Always
able to read my mind, Jax turns around and hugs me.

“
I’m
okay,” he says into my hair. “It’s just a few scratches.”

“
I
hate him!”

“
I
know.”

I
hate that Jax can forgive his father. He should despise him for
everything that Wyatt puts him through. This is why Jax is better
than anyone I know, he isn’t capable of hating anyone. I, on the
other hand, hate Wyatt Chandler with a burning passion. If he was on
fire, I would roast a marshmallow on the flames coming off his body.

“
Hurry
up with the shower so we can get to bed,” Jax says as he releases
me.

I
take the quickest shower known to man and that’s saying something
since I’m a swimmer. Speed racer status, I jump into my pjs and run
a comb through my tangled hair. Once I’m decent, I return to my
room to see Jax sitting on my bed doing his homework. Following his
lead, I grab the one page of geometry I have left. I finished most of
it before practice.

“
I
had more!” I say when I see him eyeing my homework.

“
Before
or after practice?”

Sometime
he knows me too well. It should be annoying, but it’s not.
“Before.” I’m about to say something more, but my stomach
growls loudly, making both of us laugh.

“
Go
down and eat.” Jax holds my homework hostage. “This will be here
when you get back.”

“
Fine.”

I
race down the stairs. The front door opens at the same time that I
reach the last step.

“
Come
on in,” I say jokingly to Connor.

“
Ah
. . . Ah . . . Ah,” Connor wiggles a finger in front of my face.
“Be nice or I won’t share any of my pizza and I even got your
favorite.”

“
Have
I told you how much I love you lately?” I steal the small box of
pizza that I know is mine and lead him to our massive kitchen.

“
She’s
gonna be trouble when she’s older,” Connor informs Logan.

“
Don’t
remind me,” Logan says as he pulls down three glasses.

“
Three?
Aren’t you missing a glass?” Connor says, making my heart beat
rapidly. He can’t possibly know that Jax is here.

“
Hads
is at her friends for the night.” Logan pours soda in all three
glasses.

Opening
the fridge, I ignore the rest of their conversation as I stare at the
yogurt filling the middle shelf. It’s practically overflowing with
Greek yogurt.

“
Did
Mom go shopping?” I ask even though I know she didn’t.

“
I
don’t think so, why?”

“
Just
wondering,” I say with a smile as I snag a Powerade and close the
fridge.

Connor
takes their box of pizza and follows Logan to the living room. I wait
a few seconds until I hear the T.V. before I open the fridge again
and steal two yogurts and a bottle of water. After loading the
yogurts, spoon, water, and Powerade in a bag, I grab a Cliffbar out
of the pantry. I don’t know when’s the last time Jax ate, but I’m
betting he’s starving like usual.

My
steps are slow as I balance everything while climbing the stairs. Jax
locks my door and accepts the orange soda from my hands. He takes a
sip before setting it on the nightstand. I spread all the food on the
floor, sit down and wait for Jax to join me. Once he’s settled, I
reach into the bag and hand him a Powerade and grab a slice of pizza
for me. Jax helps himself to pizza with a smile on his face.

“
Thanks,”
I say, pointing my pizza at the yogurt on the floor.

Lightly
bumping his shoulder with mine he asks, “Am I forgiven?”

I
nod and lean against him while I finish eating. After three slices, I
yawn loudly, exhausted, ready for bed. I wasn’t kidding when I told
Logan my coach worked us hard today. I shove the homework that I will
have to rush to finish tomorrow into my backpack before crawling into
bed.

Jax
throws all the trash into a pile next to my door and then comes back
over to my bed. I scoot over and raise the blanket for him. Without
waiting, Jax lays next to me and touches his lips softly against
mine. I smile as his fingers find mine. I fall asleep listening to
him breathing while he clasps my hand.

“He blames me.” Jax
says, pulling me out of the past. “So he took it out on me whenever
he could.”

“What?” I ask
calmly. Jax isn’t making sense.

“My mom. She left him
and he never got over that. I think he blames me. That’s why I
always tried to be the perfect kid. That’s why I was able to skip a
grade when I was younger. I pushed myself to be the best. I thought
if I was good enough, she would come home and we would be this happy
family again.

“I never gave up hope
that she would come home. I just needed to be better. And whenever I
made him mad at me, I thought he was punishing me to teach me a
lesson. If I learned my lessons and I wasn’t bad anymore, she would
come home.” He snuggles closer to me and breathes me in. “She
never came home. She didn’t want us, didn’t want me.”

I feel Jax’s pain as
if it’s my own. I can’t even imagine being a child and thinking
that. He was so young when his mom left. I don’t need to ask if the
beatings started when she left. Everything in me screams “yes.” I
see Jax as a bruised child and I have the sudden urge to vomit. I
swallow it down and take deep calming breaths. I will stay strong.
Jax doesn’t need to be taking care of me.

“I still don’t
understand,” I say quietly into the dark.

“He loved her. He
loved her more than anything, more than me. I know he never wanted a
child. He despises children, but he gave her one because he wanted to
make her happy, but I didn’t make her happy, I made matters worse.
He would have given her the world. I know what it’s like to love
someone and not be able to have them. It breaks you.” His voice
trails off.

I turn my head, looking
at his face even though I can’t see anything because we’re
surrounded in darkness. I know he’s doing the same.

“He was stuck with a
kid that he didn’t want. I remind him of her. I look just like her.
I will never forgive him and what he did isn’t right, but on some
level I understand.”

A lone tear trails down
my face onto his chest. For some godawful reason, I see where Jax is
coming from. I understand what Jax is getting at, but that’s as far
as it will ever go. I will never comprehend why Wyatt did what he
did, and I won’t pretend to understand. Some things in life are
never meant to be solved. I learned that the hard way.

“You’re. Not. Him,”
I say loud and clear.

When Jax stays silent,
I try another approach.

“You don’t have to
be broken, Jax. You’re not him. You will never be him. You don’t
have it in you. You can’t even hate him!”

I feel like if I can
get it through his head that he’s not his father, we can be
together. I know this is our make-it-or-break-it point. If Jax
doesn’t believe me and believe in himself, he will shatter us. We
will never have a chance if he thinks that he’s his father. He will
never be with me if he thinks he will hurt me.

“I am him! Don’t
you see, Ads? I might not beat little kids, but I’m still fucked up
in the head. Look at what I do to you!”

“What?” I ask,
wishing that I didn’t once the word leaves my mouth.

“I play with you.
Over and over again, I lead you on. I let you get close, just to pull
away. I can’t love you the way you want me to. I can’t be loved
by you. I’m dark. I can’t bring you down in the darkness with me.
I won’t.”

“Jax, I want to be
there with you. Where do you think I’ve been since high school?
Taking a vacation? I’ve been where you are. Shutting the world out.
Thinking I don’t deserve happiness. I know what that feels like.
Heck, I’m there most days! If you’re surrounded by darkness, than
that’s where I want to be. Let me be your light. We’ll fight it
together. We’re better together. Don’t you see that?”

“I am not surrounded
by darkness, I
am
the
darkness, Adalynn.” I shiver at his tone. When he speaks again,
he’s calmer. “It can’t be like that. You deserve more. You
deserve someone better. You deserve him.”

“Kohen?”

“Yes, Kohen. The
doctor. You don’t see it, but I do. He’s a new beginning, I’m
the one who reminds you of your past. He won’t remind you of what
you lost like I do. He makes you smile. He’s given you a reason to
live again.”

“You’re wrong!” I
whisper.

Neither of us yells.
We’re barely talking above a whisper, but I can hear each word as
if it was announced through a loudspeaker.

“I’m not. You just
don’t see the change in yourself that I do.”

“I gave myself a
reason to live again. Not you. Not Kohen. Me! The only people in this
world that can take credit for helping me live again are gone! They
were taken from me. And you’re just going to walk away from me.”

“I’m here. I’ll
always be here for you, Ads. As a friend. That’s all we can be. We
can’t be more.” Jax says it so sadly that it breaks my heart even
more if that’s possible.

We remain silent. I
don’t pull away from Jax, if anything I mold my body closer to his.
Wishing that I can melt into him so that I never have to be apart
from him. He holds me as tight as he can without hurting me, as if
wishing for the same thing.