Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (62 page)

“I think on some
level Jax needed to see her. I don’t think he would have been able
to get help from anyone else. He saw the change in you. He kept
telling Logan and me that you were going to be okay. He believed that
you were coming back to us before Logan or I saw it. If he’s going
to get help, it has to be from Olivia.”

“Why didn’t he tell
me?”

Connor just raises an
eyebrow. “Is that your question?”

I shake my head and
force away all thoughts of Jax. I don’t care if he’s seeing Liv.
I can’t care, not anymore. Not after him refusing to reveal my own
memories to me. Connor point to the only remaining shot glass on the
table. Hastily, I bring it to my lips. It doesn’t taste any better
going down a second time.

“What really happened
six years ago between Jax and me?” I ask before I set the glass
down.

“I don’t know what
you’re talking about.”

“Cut the crap. You
said a shot for a question. I took the shot, now answer me! I deserve
to know what happened, what I can’t remember!” My voices raises,
my earlier frustration gushing back with a vengeance.

When he meets my eyes,
regret fills his brown ones. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

I slam down my hands.
“Why?”

“Ask me anything else
and I’ll tell you.”

Everyone in my life is
lying to me. I thought I could always count on my guys, but I was
wrong. Without a word, I get up.

“Addie, wait,”
Connor says as he reaches for me.

I step to the side so
he doesn’t touch me. “Jax refuses to tell me what happened. Now
you, too. What is so bad that I don’t deserve to know?”

He runs a shaky hand
through his long blonde hair. “It isn’t my secret to share.”

“Whose is it?”

“Yours and Jax’s.”

I need to hit
something. “I don’t remember and Jax isn’t telling me anything!
If it’s my secret then tell me, I want to know!”

He sighs. “I can’t,
I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

“Because we were told
that we needed to wait until you remembered to talk about it. If we
brought it up before you were ready, you would . . .” His voice
trails off.

“I would what,
Connor?”

He gulps loudly. “You
might attempt suicide again if you found out before you’re truly
ready to remember.”

He makes no sense.
“What are you talking about?”

“Why did you try to
kill yourself five years ago, Addie?”

I hate that I have to
answer him. “Because I felt guilty about the car accident and them
dying.”

“Who?”

Is he stupid? Does he
really need me to spell it out for him? He raises his eyebrow.
Apparently so.

“My parents and
Hadley. I felt guilty that I survived. I didn’t think I could live
without them, so five years ago I swallowed enough pills to kill me.
If it wasn’t for Jax finding me, I would have succeeded.”

“No.”

“What do you mean,
no? That’s why I tried to kill myself.”

“That wasn’t the
only reason.”

I will seriously hurt
him if he doesn’t stop speaking in riddles. “Then what was?”

He stays silent. I want
to bang my head against the table. I’m no closer to assembling the
pieces then I was this morning.

“You’re not going
to tell me?”

“I’m sorry, but I
can’t. You need to be the one to remember.”

I glare at him, hating
that another person I thought I could trust is keeping something from
me. “Have a safe flight.”

He reaches for me but I
yank my arm away.

“No, Connor! If
you’re not going to tell me, fine. I’ll find out eventually. From
this point forward, we’re no longer friends. Friends don’t keep
things from each other.”

“Adalynn!” he
shouts as I flee.

I rush back to my
apartment building, to the only man in my life that isn’t lying to
me. When the elevator doors close, I press Kohen’s floor instead of
mine, figuring I should just get this over with before I lose my
nerve. I need to talk to him and tell him things need to change if he
wants to be in my life.

I lift my hand twice to
knock, but each time I pull away at the last second. I don’t know
why I’m so nervous. I have nothing to fear from him. On my fourth
try, I’m finally able to knock.

Hesitantly, I knock
again. The first time could barely be considered a knock since you
couldn’t hear it. I should just call him. I grab my phone to do
just that, but when I hit the home button, nothing happens. I forgot
to charge it . . . again.
I
really need to start remembering to charge this sucker.
Sighing,
I rest my forehead on his door, I wanted to talk to him tonight
before I chicken out. Suddenly the door gives away and I’m falling.

“Ouch,” I say when
I face-plant into Kohen’s hard chest.

Once I’m able to
recover and stand on my own, Kohen asks, “Are you okay? Did
something happen?”

I bite my lip, my
nervousness flooding back again. I have no idea what I want to tell
him now that I’m in front of him. Okay, that’s a lie, I know what
I want to say, I just don’t know where to start.

Nodding, I give him a
weak smile that doesn’t reach my eyes. This may be it for us. He
might leave me, too. Panic comes so quickly that my step falters.
I’m
going to be alone.
Kohen mistakes my panic for something
else. He takes several steps back with his hands in the air.
Surrendering.

“I won’t hurt you.
God, Adalynn, I could never hurt you. You mean too much to me. Please
don’t be scared of me . . . don’t leave me.” His voice cracks
and his eyes glisten with unshed tears. He thinks I’m leaving him
and it terrifies him.

“I’m not . . . I’m
not leaving.” He still doesn’t put his hands down or make a move
to come closer. “I’m not afraid of you . . . I’m here to talk.”
Deciding that I’ll have to be the one to make all the moves
tonight, I slowly approach him. “Let’s go sit down so we can
talk.”

Silently Kohen leads me
over to his couch. He motions for me to sit so I do. Surprising me,
he walks over to the wall across from me and leans against it. We
stare at each other, neither of us speaking. My mind races. He needs
to stop trying to dictate what I wear and lashing out in jealous
rampages.

“I’m so—” he
starts at the same time I say, “This needs—”

“You go,” we both
say at the same time.

“I’m so sorry, Ad—”

“No, Kohen. I don’t
want to hear how ‘sorry’ you are. This needs to stop.”

His face pales. The
thought of me leaving him makes him sick. He’s so different from
Jax. It would be refreshing if it wasn’t so painful.

“You can’t! You
can’t leave me. I love you!” Kohen pushes off the wall and runs
the few steps over to the couch to haul me into his arms. “I can’t
lose you. I won’t!”

This might be harder
than I originally thought. I didn’t realize he cared about me so
much. Sure, he’s said he loves me, but I’ve always brushed that
off. Even though he doesn’t know everything about me, he loves me.
He wants me.

I pull out of his
embrace. “I can’t be with you if you don’t change. I won’t.”

“I’ll do whatever
you want, just promise you won’t leave me. We belong together.”
He says this so seriously that I have no doubt that he truly believes
this.

Maybe we do. I don’t
know. I’ve never really given him a chance because of Jax. Maybe
the right guy has been in front of me this entire time, I just chose
to be blind. I’m not ignoring it anymore. I’m moving on.

I glance around his
apartment. I feel like I’m really seeing it for the first time even
though I’ve been here before. It’s so neat, almost OCD neat.
There’s a picture of me on the end table that I’ve never noticed.
It must be new. I don’t even remember taking it. I’m laughing in
the picture, the wind blows my hair so that it’s wrapping around my
face. He must have taken it when I wasn’t paying attention.

Immediately I feel
guilty. He’s been nothing but here for me and all I’ve done is
push him away. Out of sight, out of mind. All because I was hung up
on Jax, on something that was never going to happen. I’ve been so
wrong. I’ve been chasing after the wrong guy while I have the
perfect guy right in front of me . . . well, almost perfect. But I
think he can change; I hope that he will change for me. I hope
someone will change for me.

“You need help,” I
say at last.

“I know, I—”

I put up my hand to
stop him, cutting him off again. I need to get this out before I lose
my nerve.

“You’ve hurt me.”
Kohen face falls, full of shame. “You keep saying you didn’t know
what you were doing, but on some level you had to know. You’ve left
bruises, you’ve called me names, you’re jealous of Connor for no
reason, and Jax.” Guilt washes over me again because he had every
right to be jealous. “You don’t trust me and you take it out on
me. If you want me to give you another chance, then you need to get
help.”

“I—”

“No, let me finish.
You have to get help. I’ve seen you take your anger out on
co-workers, too. It’s not healthy. One day you’re going to
seriously hurt someone. I know you don’t mean to, that you don’t
want to. I’m willing to give us a shot and see where this goes if
you get help. I won’t let you hurt me again. Verbally or
physically. If you ever talk to me like you did the other night or
lay a hand on me again, I will walk out and you’ll never see me
again.” I’m surprised at the sternness in my voice.

Kohen gently grasps my
hand. “You are so precious to me, Adalynn. I will do anything you
want as long as you’re mine. I won’t lose you.” Slowly, he
lifts my hand to his warm lips and lightly kisses the back of it.

“You’ll go get
help?” I whisper.

His dimples are
prominent as he speaks. “I already am.”

“What?” I ask, even
though I heard him clearly.

“The next morning
after . . . the . . .”

“Jealous rampage?”
I offer.

“Yeah, that works . .
. I went and got help. I’m seeing a therapist once a week and I’m
taking a class two times a week with other people like me. I want a
chance with you. I knew that you wouldn’t give me another chance
unless I proved to you that I’m going to change. I’m not that man
anymore. I’m going to be better, I’m going be better for you.”

I don’t know what to
say. I can’t believe that he’s trying to change, to change for
me. Somewhere in the back of my mind I know that he hasn’t had time
to make progress yet, but I drown out that thought.

“Okay,” I say at
last.

“Okay?”

I interlock our
fingers. “Let’s take this slow. I want to try with you.”
I
haven’t tried with you because I’m in love with someone else,
I
finish in my head.
Loved
.

“I can go as slow as
you want,” Kohen says with a twinkle in his eyes.

That annoying voice in
my head is telling me to take this slow, that I just ended things
with Jax this morning. I think that’s why I smash my lips against
his. He hesitates at first, but once I slip my tongue into his mouth,
he kisses me back, fiercely. I lace my fingers through his blonde
hair, but I imagine his hair is darker.

Kohen presses wet
kisses down my jawline. I tilt my head so that he can reach my neck.
I picture Jax’s tongue licking down my neck. I moan which drives
Kohen mad. He bites down on my neck. I whisper Jax’s name . . . Out
loud.

It’s like someone
just dumped an ice bucket on me. My entire body stills. Kohen, too
distracted, didn’t hear me. He keeps licking and biting my neck,
oblivious.
Thank God!
That would not have gone over well. When Kohen finally realizes that
I’m not into it anymore, he pauses, his eyes dark, confusion etched
on his face.

“Did I do something
wrong?”

Wow. I’m the worst
human being on the planet. I have this gorgeous man in front of me,
wanting to worship my body, and I’m thinking of someone else. I
moaned out someone else’s name. Kohen deserves better than me.

“No. I’m sorry . .
. I can’t do this.” I get a whole half a step away from him
before he’s clutching me, forcibly so that I can’t move, but
gentle enough where he doesn’t hurt me.

“No. I’m sorry.
We’ll go slow. I’m sorry. Don’t leave. You can’t leave me,
Adalynn. I won’t let you.” He tugs me into him, my back to his
chest.

I will my body to relax
into his. It’s a lot harder than usual. My body refuses to melt
into him because he’s not the person I yearn for. I force my
unwilling body to mold into him anyways.

He kisses me right
below my ear. “Stay,” he whispers. “Don’t leave.”

I nod and he squeezes
me tighter.

Spinning me around so
that I’m facing him, he cups both hands on my face. “Stay the
night with me?”

I open my mouth to tell
him that I can’t, but I stop when I picture Jax and the troll, him
lying to me before leaving me. Connor lied. Logan is lying to me. I
only have Kohen.

“Please, Adalynn. I
need you. Nothing will happen, I know you’re not ready for that
yet. I just need to hold you in my arms. I thought I was going to
lose you.”

I don’t feel like
smiling, but I make myself anyways. Those are the words I want to
hear, just from the wrong guy. “Okay,” I say because I need to
move on. I need Kohen to help me move on from Jax.

Kohen briefly brushes
his lips over mine and clasps my hand. Silently, he leads me to his
bedroom. I stop when I see the door to the spare room cracked open.
I’ve never been inside this room before as it’s always closed. I
don’t know why, but I’m curious.

“What’s in here?”
I ask, pushing the door open a little further.

He reaches around me
and slams the door. “Nothing. Just junk,” Kohen says with a tight
smile which only piques my interest.