Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (60 page)

“I was with you all
night,” he says with hands on my thighs.

All I see is honesty in
his eyes. Which doesn’t make sense.

“Lexi said you had
sex with her.”

“Lexi said a lot of
things.”

Yeah, that’s the
understatement of the year. I used to think she was so “cool”
because she was a junior and wanted to hang out with me all the time.
That was before I realized she was only hanging out with me to get
closer to Jax. Our friendship ended pretty much the next morning when
she confirmed that she slept with him.

“I didn’t sleep
with her.”

I roll my eyes at him.
He grips my chin so I can’t turn away.

“Not that night. Not
any night. I’ve never slept with her.”

“But she said—”

“She said a lot of
things, Ads. You know better than anyone that she would lie to anyone
willing to listen.”

I nod, knowing the
truth. “But she was hanging all over you that night.”

“Yeah, for about five
seconds.”

“No.”

“Yes. For a whole
five seconds, I decided to see if I could get a reaction from you.
Then I stopped because I realized it was pointless.”

He’s lost me. “What?”

“I was a kid. Even
back then, I was in love with you. I was trying to make you jealous.
I didn’t know . . . I mean, I thought you liked me, but I wasn’t
sure at the time. Those two weeks of silence confirmed my suspicion,
though.”

I rub my temples. “I’m
confused.”

Running his hand
through his unruly hair again, Jax sighs loudly. “I thought if I
could make you jealous then I would know if you cared about me the
way I cared about you . . . I never slept with Lexi or anyone in high
school.”

I hate that I don’t
want to hear the answer, but I ask anyways. “And college?”

He reaches for my hand,
but I jerk away. If he touches me I’ll crumble.

“If you’re asking
if I was a virgin when we slept together, the answer is yes.” He
caresses my face with his hands. “I didn’t lie to you.”

I suck in a ragged
breath. All this time I thought he was lying to me. I never regretted
losing my virginity to him even though I thought he was experienced.
I’m glad that I was wrong. It doesn’t escape my notice that he
uses past tense. I want to ask what he’s lied to me about since
then, but I don’t think I’ll want to hear the answer to that,
either.

“Do you know who
slept with her?” I ask, getting us back on track. I don’t want us
to focus on losing our virginity to each other.

“No idea,” he says
with a snicker.

“What’s funny?” I
ask.

“You refused to talk
to me for two weeks. Two long weeks. All because Lexi got laid that
night and I took care of you.” He has a smirk on his face that I
ignore while digging into my yogurt.

We eat in a comfortable
silence. By comfortable, I mean Jax holds my hand while my mind races
over and over again. I have no idea when he’s planning on leaving,
and as much as I want to keep him here forever—I would even settle
for handcuffing him to my bed—I just want him to leave already. Its
beyond
confusing. The
more he stays here with me, touching me, being so sweet, the more I
want to convince him to give us a chance. Which of course is beyond
idiotic. We’ve been down that road way too many times. At this
point, I’ve lost count. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m
free.

I’m free of my past.

I’m free of Jax.

If only my heart could
get on the same page, I would be golden. Barely managing to finish my
yogurt, I push my full plate away from me and stands up.
Surprisingly, Jax doesn’t comment. He probably can sense my nerves,
making it impossible to eat.

“So . . .” I cringe
at how awkward I’m making this.

“So . . .” Jax
repeats, all traces of happiness gone.

Unable to face him, I
step on the pedal of the trashcan to lift the lid. I clear my plate
while I talk. “I should start getting ready . . . I’m supposed to
hang out with Logan and Connor before their flight tonight.”

Jax moves behind me to
clear his plate, but I sidestep out of his way so we don’t
accidentally touch. Lovey-dovey time is over. Reality has come too
soon, but now that it’s here, I can’t ignore it. Jax knows how I
feel and I know how he feels. Nothing is going to change. Something
that I need to remind myself repeatedly so that I don’t throw
myself at Jax and beg him to never leave me.

I shouldn’t have to
beg someone to be with me. He either wants me, or he doesn’t. He’s
made it clear that he doesn’t.
Time
to move on
. A stupid tear slides down my cheek; hastily I
wipe it away. After a few deep breaths, I get myself under control.

“Right.”

“Are you gonna be
there?” I ask, hoping that he can’t tell how desperately I want
him to say yes at the same time I want him to say no.

Jax shakes his head.
“We celebrated the other night. No need to be girls about it,
they’re only going to be gone for two weeks.”

“Right.” I shuffle
my feet, feeling awkward standing in the kitchen in my raggedy pjs
with Jax in his shirt from last night and black briefs. It should be
illegal to look that good after waking up. I didn’t even get a
chance a check my hair in the mirror earlier. I can feel the
bird-nests.

“Well . . . I’m
just gonna go get changed . . .” Yup, not awkward at all. Points to
me.

“Yeah, me too,” Jax
says as he follows me out of my kitchen. I have to force myself not
to run and lock myself in my bathroom.

As awkwardly as humanly
possible, I linger in the doorway and watch Jax dress. It’s a sight
that I can never tire of. His abs flex while he bends to retrieve his
clothes from the floor. As he slips his legs into his pants, I bite
my lip. This would be so much easier if he wasn’t the most
beautiful man in the history of the world, inside and out.

“I need you to stop,”
Jax says in that deep bedroom voice I love.

“Huh?” I ask,
puzzled.

He zips his pants,
“It’s taking everything in me to stay over here . . . I’m not
strong enough to do nothing when you keep looking at me like that . .
. I’m only human.”

Face reddening, I
simply manage to squeak out, “Oh.”

All that’s left is
his shoes and then he will be gone.
He’s
leaving.
I know eventually we will be friends again, but
it won’t be the same. It can never be the same. I was naive to
think that we could ever be friends like before. Everything changed
the first time he kissed me on my birthday all those years ago.
Everything changed forever when he told me he loves me.

It hits me like
crashing into a brick wall. I can’t have him leave. I want a
forever with him. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t
know how. There’s no substitute for him. He will forever be my
first choice, the only choice I want.

“Stay,” I whisper
so quietly, I doubt that he can hear me. He freezes. He heard me.

“Ads—”

“I know. I know for
whatever reason, you think you’re not good enough. You think that
you’ll pull me down with you. You’re wrong. God, you’re so
wrong. I love you.”

I close the distance
between us and stand in front of the man I love, trying for the last
time to make him see what I see.

“You brighten my
world. You’re the air I need to breathe. I need you. I love you! I
just want you. Please, Jax. I know you love me. We can make this
work. Jump with me. All you have to do is love me, Jaxon.”

Tears stream heavily
down my face with the truth of my words. His eyes shine.

Gently, as if I’m
made of glass, he caresses my face. “I can’t, Ads. I’m sorry.
You have no idea how sorry I am. I would have given anything in the
world to hear you tell me you love me once upon a time, but it
doesn’t matter anymore, too much has happened. I can’t. I’m
sorry, but I can’t do this.”

“What do you mean?
What’s happened? All that matters is that we love each other.”

“I can’t tell you,
not yet. When you’re ready, you’ll see I’m doing us a favor.”

My voice raises. “Tell
me! I want to know why you’re giving up on us!”

He remains silent,
refusing to tell me the truth once and for all. I push him away from
me. Something that I can’t focus on flashes through my eyes. For
some reason that tiny flash of black and white brings tears to my
eyes. Jax is keeping something important from me. Whatever it is,
it’s the reason why he’s ruining us. It’s not just his
dysfunctional past and his fear of commitment. There’s something
else, something worse.

“You’re keeping
something from me! Tell me, I deserve to know what’s driving us
apart.”

He remains silent.

“Please,” I beg.

“I can’t force you
to remember. One day, you’ll be ready to hear the truth. When that
day happens, I’ll be here if you need me, but you won’t. When
that day comes, you’ll hate me forever.”

My stomach clenches.
Something tears at my mind, but no matter how much I concentrate, I
can’t reach it. I rub my temples and will the memory to come forth.
It doesn’t. I watch as he leaves my room. It takes a second for me
to follow him to my front door. When he opens it, I slam it closed.

“Tell me!”

Without facing me, he
asks in a strangled voice, “What were we fighting about six years
ago, the day of the accident?”

I want to scream in
frustration. He isn’t making sense. He turns to face me, his cheek
wet with tears. Whatever I’m repressing is bad.

“What do you remember
from that day?” he asks.

“We weren’t
fighting. My parents flew you three out for my birthday. You guys met
us at my swim meet, surprising me. We had dinner together after.”
And then the accident happened.

He shakes his head.

“Tell me what I’m
missing.”

“Do you remember what
was happening between us before that day?”

My silence is answer
enough. For some reason it’s fuzzy and it shouldn’t be. I thought
I was only blocking out the accident and the memories of my family.
Until now, I had no clue that I was forgetting something major
between us. I study him, begging him silently to explain. If he
doesn’t, if he chooses to let me live in the void, I will never be
able to forgive him.

“We weren’t
talking, Ads. We didn’t talk for the three months leading up to the
accident. You refused to take my calls.”

I put my hands in my
face and weep. “I can’t remember!”

“And I can’t help
you.”

My hands fall to their
sides. “Why?”

He wipes his face with
the back of his hand. “Because you’re not ready.” He reaches
behind him and opens the door again. “When you are, you’ll
remember.”

“If you leave without
telling me the truth, I’ll never speak to you again. You and I will
be done.” I step closer so he can see how serious I am. “I will
erase you from my memory. Every laugh, every kiss, every touch, will
be gone. I will forget everything about us, Jaxon. You’ll be just
my brother’s friend. If you leave without telling me why I stopped
talking to you, you will be dead to me.”

The tears flow down
both our faces. He caresses my cheek. I don’t pull away, I allow
myself one last touch from him. His hand falls back to his side.

“You’ll hate me
when you remember. Either way I lose you, Ads.”

“If you tell me the
truth right now, I promise I won’t hate you,” I vow, desperate
for answers.

“You can’t promise
that. Just know that no matter how much you despise me when you find
out, I’ve hated myself for these last six years, and I’ll never
forgive myself for what happened.”

“I’ll remember.”

“I know,” he says
before walking out the door.

I sob as I watch him
leave. I hate that my mind has betrayed me. I hate that he’s hiding
something important from me. My legs give out as I bawl for something
that I lost, but can’t remember. I rub my face as I replay every
encounter I’ve ever had with him. I promise myself I’ll do this
only once; after that I’ll throw away everything of his, anything
that reminds me of him. The memories blur. I can’t remember a
single thing about Jax in the few months before my seventeenth
birthday. It’s as if during that time, Jax didn’t exist, which is
a lie. I know it, I can feel it.

What am I forgetting? I
couldn’t block out the accident, the images of that night have been
burned into my soul, forever haunting me, but I’ve successfully
erased an entire chapter out of my life.

What was so
traumatizing that I forced myself to forget?

My mind is elsewhere
while I hang out with Connor and Logan. The questions are on an
endless cycle in my mind. I can’t stop thinking which memories are
fake, and which are real. Several times I’ve attempted to ask
Logan, but the words wouldn’t come. I have a nagging feeling he
wouldn’t tell me anyways if I asked. I feel like they’re all in
this together.

“Why so glum? You
don’t need to worry.” Connor sits down next to me on Logan’s
sofa.

“Huh?”

Without missing a beat,
Connor says with a smirk, “I’ll send you a picture of this sexy
face every day.” He even goes as far as to point to said face. “So
you can cheer up. You won’t go a day without seeing me.”

He’s attempting to
lift my mood, but for the first time, it’s not working. I know he’s
in on it, too. All these years, they have kept something vital from
me. I just wish I knew what. I don’t even know if I have the right
to be upset with them.
They
might have a good reason.
No, I push that thought away. I
deserve the truth.

When Logan comes up
behind us with bags of Thai food, I open my mouth to ask him the
question that’s been on my mind since I got here, but nothing comes
out. I’ve been here since twelve. It’s now eight. I lost count of
how many times I’ve attempted to voice my thoughts.